Issues with My Mother

My mother is like that too. She totally has favorites although she would never admit that, but now with the grandchildren, it has become so much more obvious. I just leave it alone. I have no interest in forcing anyone to spend time with my sweet, sweet little miracle.

Hi J.-
I'm sorry you are going through this- it's been said that "hurting" people tend to hurt people. Perhaps your mom is hurting over some things and for some reason, it's being transferred to you.
We have two wonderful sets of parents, but mine are too elderly and too far to be involved with my children, and the others are close by, but seem to be way too busy all the time. I had to make the decision to live our lives "without" them, then if they want to be involved, that's just a bonus.
It's hard right now because your mom is hurting you, but she is your mom, and you don't want to lose that relationship over this incident. Maybe later there will be a time when you can express your feelings... perhaps with time she will come around. Now probably isn't the time because she oblivious, and you're hurting.
It's great that you reached out for some advice and help. I hope we've give you some insight.
I've been much happier since I made that decision about our kids... believe me, it came with alot of hurt feelings, and frustrations, etc.... but in the end, I'm happy I did it. That way the kids can love their grandparents (when they are there) and I'm not bitter against them.
Take care.

Hi J.,

Sometimes when peope are living close by the relationship is way different than if you were living far away like your sister. She might be getting tired of watching your son and doesn't know or want to tell you. I would find someone else to watch him and that might relieve some of the stress in your relationship with her. Even if it makes your money tight it might be the best thing to do. If she won't talk about it with you then just carry on with your life and let her come around when she starts to miss you guys. Can you talk about it with your sister? Hang in there and take some time for yourself if you get a chance. It will clear your head and give you some extra patience. :)

K.

I absolutly understand you!!! I'm on the other front though. My son is the only grandson on both sides of the family...My MIL and Mom were both there at the birth and hasn't left his side since (3 1/2). My SIL says that my MIL never did half the stuff that she does for my son. Even my nieces(17, 14) were jealous of the attention that my son received from MIL becuase they never had that attention from Grandma/MIL...I'm always telling my husband that i cannot stand the way she treats our son better than the rest of her grandchildren and how controling she can be over him....i even told her that she other grandchildren and she needs to visit them or at least call them. MIL other grandchildren live closer to her than we do, but she always makes extra effort to come see our son..I HATE IT..It bothers me...The worst thing about it, is that we have a 9 month old daughter and i have to watch MIL with her to make sure she gives her the same amount of attention/gifts that she gave our son. My husband always reassures me that she will, but sometimes i have to force her to take my daughter instead of my son, becuase she'll watch my son 3 times in a row and then watch my daughter. I tell her she can't do that, she has to watch one then the other or both, not one of them all the time.

I already had the talk with my mom and she totally understands and takes turns with my children.. So to ver, but I know what you mean, because it makes me feel bad, becuase my son is getting all the attention and it's not right and my MIL will tell her other grandchildren that he comes before all the others.... This hasn't been totally rectified yet, but will be soon..

As for your situation, I would just find another sitter. If it's too much "trouble" for her to build a relationship with your children why waste your time making her. When your children get older she'll know what she missed. You can't make people want to spend time with your children. You can only control yourself and what you do. As for your children would be better off without becuase what will happen is they will sense that grandma doesn't "want" to be with them. That is the last thing you want your children to feel, or even if they feel it's thier fault or something. It's easier said than done, but just let it go and do whats best for your family now. i really hope this helps.

N.

I would cancel with your mother. Is there anyway you can get a different sitter. What time do you work? Is there a reliable teenager you can trust for a few hours that want to make some money. I dont know if you are a church goer but I find my most reliable and moral babysitters from church!

Maybe your mom just doesn't want to babysit. I would think about it too much. I agree with your feelings, but how can you change how she feels? If she is in denial bringing it up won't help.

Hey J.,

I think the whole "favoritism" thing happens in more families than you know, so you're definitely not alone. The best advice I could give you, because I've been there, is to decide on either becoming a f/t stay-at-home mommy or if that's out of the question try finding a reliable and trusting childcare provider in your neighborhood. It's a tough decision, but you're in the driver's seat on this one. If you feel you're being shafted by your mother, perhaps you are, but then she may have a totally different perspective on it. Mothers are set in their ways and don't realize how easily they can hurt our feelings. Sometimes us daughters tend to be ultra sensitive w/issues concerning our children. I have a 5 1/2 year old girl and a 3 1/2 year old boy...left my career to be home with them since my first one was born. My daughter attended a preschool twice a week for a year and will now begin Kindergarten this Fall. I have my son registered at a preschool this fall for two days a week, four hours each. This is my gradual approach to eventually returning to the workforce when the time is right. My mother is obviously partial to my 10 year old niece who she's babysat since birth and now watches her after school. It's absolutely okay w/me because we keep our kids fairly busy with extra curricular activities/sports that they don't have time to notice it. I've completely put my emotions aside and have accepted it for what it is. My husband and I had a totally different plan with the whole childcare thing. We wanted to have an educational approach in a loving and secure environment for our children. What better place than home. We haven't regretted it since...we now have these incredibly intelligent, confident, and loving children who are being raised by their parents not grandparent(s)...the way it should be. The grandparent instinct should come naturally and so embracing those few or many moments is all we can do rather than keep score. Our kids have their moments and, by no means perfect, but our approach is working more wonders that ever expected. Do what's good for you and your family without getting emotionally distracted with things you have no control over. Best of luck to you!

My heart goes out to you! I would back off from your mom a little bit. I would give her space and find someone else to watch your kids. I wouldn't like to be treated that way. She may need some space since she lives with you and maybe a little break is just what she needs to appreciate your family. Good luck!

J.,

Even though money is tight, I would find someone else to watch your children. It sounds like your mother has issues watching your children right now so the best situation for all is to find someone you trust to watch them for you. Maybe one day you can work out what is bothering her.

Also, if she is watching the clock when she comes over then something is bother her and maybe you should talk about it and appreciation maybe the answer.

D.

J.,

You can't control someone else - only yourself. I recommended giving your mom lots of space - find another siter - maybe someone you carpool with and offer to watch thier child on an opposite day, that way it doesn't effect your budget negatively. Your mom is who she is and chances are she isn't going to change. You'll have to decide how much time you want your children to have with her. I would definately let her know how you feel about this and even state that you are concerned about her relying on her at all to watch your kids because she backs out last minute and that it does hurt you.

Best to you!

i think you are expecting too much form your mom knowing how she is. leave your expectations at the door. she does not owe you anything especially if you can tell she doesnt enjoy watching your kids. it must be a chore to her. you need to decide whether working for a bit of money is worth all this trouble or if you are better off staying with your kids. you should not expect her to plan her life acocording to what you have planned. either hire a baby sitter that will like watching yoru kids or if you cant afford one, then stay home . that way you will avoid last minute dramas. not trying to be cold here but i am a grandma and i enjoy my grandkids extremely. I jsut made it very clear that if it is an emergency, i will watch the babies but otherwise i just want to be a grandma. i schedule special days with each of the grandchildren and check with the kids to see if they are ok with those days. if i have to go somwhere ofr even if i want to go somewhere, i can. and you see your mom and she sees the kids all the time being that you live in the same town. maybe she wants to get to know the other grandkids and it is slefish of you to wnat her to stay and plan her life around yours. i jsut think it would be better for the kids is they had a grandma that was happy to see them. granted, she should have given you more notice but maybe she is trying to tell you something, that she doenst want to be yoru babysitter. I dont agree that the way she did it is ok. you just need to tell her (fire her), that you have made other arrangements that are more reliable and that she is welcome to come visit the grandkids whenever she is not busy.

I can understand your frustration completely. It is difficult to rely on someone or have expectations of being able to rely on someone when they are unable to live up to those expectations. It sounds like your turmoil may be revolving around two issues: expectation and comparison. You have expectations for your mother to do certain things or be a certain way and you are frustrated and maybe even jealous when you compare the time and attention your sister receives from your mother to the time and attention you receive from her.

First, regarding comparison, there are only two things that can come from comparison: pride and inferiority; both of which are unconstructive and self-directed. Both of those mindsets are hurtful to self and others, and both can lead to many other negative behaviors and emotions if not brought into check.

I am not saying that what you are feeling is anything but understandable. It makes perfect sense why you are hurt and disappointed. The problem is that it is eating you up inside! That part has to stop, and the only way you can do that is to release her from that expectation and stop comparing your relationship with your mother to your sister's relationship with her. It is the only way you can return to peace for yourself and your family and be the type of mother you want to be. If you keep being so preoccupied with this situation, ironically, your relationship with your own children could eventually begin to suffer in the same way that your relationship with your mother is.

The bottom line is that the only thing you can ever control is yourself. That includes what you allow to upset you. Again, I am not suggesting that it is illogical or irrational to feel hurt by how you feel your mother favors your sister, but what is fair? What are we really entitled to from other people? The more we expect, the more we open ourselves to disappointment. When we have no expectations of the other person, we diminish the control we give them to hurt and disappoint us.

Many people enter relationships with a 50/50 attitude. I am certainly not suggesting that there are not rules and boundaries and two-way/give-take standards for a relationship. What I am suggesting, though, is that if you keep your attitude (which is, again, the only thing you can control) as one who gives 100% and expects 0%, then you open opportunities for the other person to do the same and release them from reciprocating so that, when they do, it is more of a gift rather than a repayment to you. If you are constantly keeping track of what you do for them and how they return the favor, you will always only ever be tallying what you think she owes you, and she may not even know what those things are, especially if you have never discussed it.

I am not saying this to let her off the hook or put everything on you, but what I am saying is that, as counterintuitive as this seems, it is only way to restore peace to yourself by letting yourself off the hook, so to speak, of the hurt you feel when she does not meet the unspoken expectations you have for her. You need that peace, because I highly doubt that your mother is losing sleep over this as you are.

I know how it hurts to not be the favored child or to feel like a burden and an obligation to your parent, but the bottom line is that (and this will sound harsh and unfair, understandably) it really is not her responsibility to watch your children, she does not have to spend time with you or like it when she does, and, even if she were to lavish time and attention only your sister for the rest of her life, there is nothing that requires her to do the same for you. There just isn’t. You have to let her go. You have to so that she can choose on her own if she wants to be a part of your life on her terms. Then, if she chooses to be a part of it in any degree, and you choose to allow her to do so, it is all a gift because you didn’t expect anything, anyway, and you were looking at having nothing from her for the rest of her life. Something is better than nothing.

Release her from all obligation you feel she owes you. Figure out your childcare situation on your own, no matter what that may be, and remember that it is not her problem or responsibility to do so or contribute. Stand on your own and take what she does offer, whatever that may be, and you will be much more at peace and free to operate without the emotional upset that has been limiting you. I wish you the best, and please let me know if you are interested in any resources I can offer to you. Two great books for you to read are “Boundaries” by Cloud/Townsend, and “The Mom Factor” by the same author. They will help you gain the needed strength and insight to navigate this satiation with direction and purpose instead of reacting to what your other may or may not do. I really hope this helps you. I really am sorry that your relationship with your mother has been so hurtful to you, but perhaps you can establish a new relationship one day as a result of learning how to put your relationship in the proper context.

I think it is best for both of you if you find someone else to watch the kids once a week. Let your mom enjoy being a grandma and not babysitter. I understand it will be a financial sacrifice, but it will be a mental relief. When you are paying someone for a job, you can some into the situation with mutual expectations. However, when your mom is watching the kids for free (or some pay, sometimes), it is difficult (unfair) for you to place demands on her. She obviously loves you and your children or she wouldn't be watching them at all. Tell her thank you and that you understand the sacrifices that she makes on your behalf and if at all possible find someone else for baby-sitting and leave grandma for "grandma-ing".

It's amazing how often I hear similar things. I have one friend whose mother is always canceling babysitting plans on her at the last minute to run over to do something for my friend's brother and his new baby. The brother isn't even married to the baby's mother, and the two of them sponge off his mom for money constantly, while my friend would never dream of asking her mom for money.

My own mother has always been a HUGE support to my brother and his four children, while she sees my kids once every year or so, if that.

I'm wondering if maybe you were the "good" and "responsible" child and your sister was the "bad girl"? That's the case with me and my brother, and with the friend I mentioned and her brother. In both cases, the moms were bending over backward to help the child who had always been a problem, and pretty much blowing off the child who had always been able to take care of herself. If this describes your family, then maybe your mom is just so used to HAVING to be there for your sister that it's reflex by now, and she knows you'll manage because you always do.

Hi J.,

It sounds all too familiar! I am 1 of 4 children and I am definetly not the favorite one. We as parents are not supposed to have favorites, but lets face it we do! Some of us are just better at not showing favortism. My mother did the same kind of things to me. The worst thing she ever did that hurt my feelings though was that she told me about two weeks before my due date with my second child (I was single at this time) that if my sister who was due at the same time (but had the support of a wonderful and loving husband) went into labor at the same time that she would not be there for me. Needless to say I was devastated, who would I find at the last minute to go with me if not my mother. As it turned out we had our children 10 days apart, but it made me so angry that when I had my next two children with my husband she was not invited to the birth. I knew she was hurt but I did not care, she unfortunatly does not have the same bond with my second two that she does with my first two. I confronted my mother once in a fit of tears why she treated me so differently, her response baffled me. She said that I was her strongest child and she knew that I could handle more than the others could. I told my mother that I sure did not feel strong and that if I was strong it was because I was made to be strong and that her actions hurt me deeply. Things have definetly been less obvious since then. She still shows favortism but it is just not as blatent. What I have learned over the years is that you just have to love the person and accept them for who and what they are. If you hold on to the resentment while they are with you, you will be sorry when they are gone. My mom is on dialysis, as she has polycystic kidneys, it is genetic, my grandmother died because of this condition 16 years ago. I know my mother has limited time left and so I made up my mind to enjoy as much of it as I can with her. She may have another 10 years or she may only have 2 only God knows, so I have learned to put everything else aside and just enjoy my mother while I have her. I hope this helps, good luck and God bless.

D.

I would honestly find someeone else to watch your kids. At least until she snaps out of this!

Sometimes I think it's just so hard to be family. I find it is always so important to step back and try to evaluate from the outside looking in. I am usually in that place where I could feel like I am second fiddle. I have come to realize that I am not. I am just the person that my parents feel most confident in. Your mother has more trust in your relationship because you are close at hand, and yes she probably needs a break from being reduced to "the help" Your mother has been taking care of you your whole life. She did not raise you to provide her with a daycare position. I am now the sibling that lives farthest away and it can still be a challenging balance, because we see so little of each other. It's time for you to bring some balance back. Your mom should only hang with your kids when she wants to not because she has to. If it is only once a week, plan play dates with friends and then offer to watch the children of your friends so that they can go out to dinner or a movie. Work out equitable switches that way. I think it's really important to focus on you being a great mom to your kids and not worry so much about your mom's decisions. I am sure she really misses your sister with her being so far away, and it must be a hard decision for her to choose one of you over the other to live close to.

Wouldn't it be great if all relatives were easy to communicate with?
It sounds like it may be better that your mom has indicated she's not available for the summer now...rather than later catching you off guard. (In the middle of summer let's say) Maybe sacrificing the income and staying home with your kids is an option? Hope it is...it would turn this negative situation into a positive one.
Why your mom is bailing on you for your sister?...well...maybe she has a thing for little babies?? Just a guess. Your kids may be picking up on her lack of enthusiasm for them too...I might find someone else to watch them, just for that reason.

Wow, how I can relate to you girl! I have been going around and around with these same issues for 9 years now (my oldest daughter is 9). My mom and I have a very strained relationship, but it is thankfully getting better year by year. She has been helping me with my kids for 9 years now...we've paid her some of the time, not paid her some of the time, I've quit jobs because of issues with her, she's watched them everyday of the week some years and then one day of the week some years. We've been through it all! The one main thing that I have learned is that she NEEDS to feel appreciated! If I put extra effort into thanking her, with flowers or presents or cards or just words every once in a while it really goes a long way. You need to remember that she has a life too and watching your child, although he is the center of YOUR life, he is not the center of hers. The issue with your sister could stem from the fact that she lives out of state and your mom probably feels guilty that she has so much time with your child and she needs to give extra attention now to her child. While it is frustrating for a working mom to all of a sudden not have child care with out notice, you need to remember that you do not pay her and the time away from each other could really help you both. Make sure you have back-up child care so when your mom cancels, you don't make a big deal about it and anger her. She probably feels taken advantage of. Good luck, I know how you feel and it will get better with some effort! Suck it up and try to be extra nice!

I would have to say that you may need to find another solution for your childcare situation. When your mom comes back and voices that she would like to watch the children again, I would talk to her and let her know your feelings. Situations do not fix themselves...they need a little assistance from the people involved. It may be best for your children to be around others their age anyway and let grandma be there to spend time with them while not committing to caring for them. She is an adult with her children out of the home and she is probably enjoying her 'freedom' to a degree. The time your children and mother spend together will then be quality time vs. parenting time.

are you "using" your mother as a free babysitter???
you're mother has a life too, pay her.......
just because she's your mom doesn't mean she should be free.

don't take advantage of her generousity.
you shouldn't be so jealous

Dear J.,
Does it hurt because you feel like she "favors" your sister or her kids? I am the 5th of 6 kids and 4 of my 5 siblings feel this way about one of our siblings. My parents would make plans to watch our kids in an event and then "be too tired" b/c they went to see his kids do something at the last minute. I have spoken to them about it--as have some of my other siblings. They are in total denial. (I don't expect it to end anytime soon seeing that he is 47 years old!) So, I have really had to pray about not being bitter--and just enjoying the time they DO come and visit. (Moving 2000 miles away DEFINITELY helped!!) I hope there is a good friend you can discuss these feelings with so you don't become bitter and angry toward your mom. Some people are incapable of loving us the way we need to be loved. It DOES hurt--and I am sorry for that. But there is no sense in breaking off the relationship with her. I would just tell her it's okay and that you are making other arrangements. End of story. Maybe working ISN'T worth it. Hang in there!
K.

Hi J.,
Wow! Mother, daughter relationships are the toughest! It took me along time to resolve my feelings towards my Mother and my daughter, who is now 34 with 2 boys, and I have also worked very h*** o* our relationship.

I did Landmark Education courses. I worked h*** o* myself. What I learned is Mom is not going to change. Wishing her to be different (no matter how right I am) wishing her to be differnt -- to be the mother I always wanted -- just left me frustrated and angry AND Mom knew it and she felt inadequate and defensive. Needless to say, the tension was heavy, holidays were filled with tension -- UGH!

I learned to choose her as my MOM just the way she is and just the way she isn't! And now I call her frequently and we have a great relationship. They are getting old and I DO NOT want my MOM or my DAD going to their grave feeling any hurt, remorse, regrets over me and my life.

The most important thing a parent wants is to know you are happy. They did a good job!

Parents, sometimes spend their time and money with the child they feel needs it the most. Perhaps your mom is secure and confidant in how capable you are and is worried about another child and it doesn't seem fair to you. Who knows.

Your Mom is not going to change. The only person you have any control over is you!
If you want more info on Landmark Education, let me know. they have done me a world of good! And my daughter too!
S. Fritz
Get Fit and Fab with S.
866-508-2910

Well, since she told you she is booked thru June, try booking her for July and let the kids mail her postcards (drawings). It is important that the kids are close to grandma and them not seeing your hurt feelings. Her wanting to spend time in MN might be just to be close (or closer than the other grandparents). She already feels close to you otherwise she wouldn't talk that way to you. She might not realize how sensitive you are.
Luckily your kids are old enough by the fall [kindergarten and preschool](if the little one is pottytrained) to be in a fun and learning environment with kids their own age and you could work your schedule around those hours.
best of luck

J.,
My parents also live 40 minutes away. We quickly realized that traffic was such a stress, that the driving made the entire experience miserable for them. If your mom is driving 1.5 hrs to watch your children for a few hours, it may defeat the purpose of saving money on a sitter. My husband and I decided that we would make my parents " Plan D" and only rely on them to watch our kids if we REALLY needed them, and if so, we drive the children to their house. We revisted our finances, and decided to sell our new cars and purchase cars we could pay for outright. The amount of money we save each month covers consistent childcare, and we were even able to get some help around the house. The difference in the stress levels for us has been amazing. Let your mom know that your kids love to spend time with her, but you understand that the current situation isn't good. No amount of money is worth staying up at night stressing.

Your mother may be feeling unappreciated if she is watching your child without any pay. You might offer to pay her, letting her know that you appreciate her time she gives to you, and how valuable it is. That way she may feel more appreciated and you wouldn't have to pay the full price of daycare. Also, you could ask her to give you a little more notice when she's going to be out of town to give you a chance to find someone else to watch your child. I could be completely wrong, but I thougth I'd put it out there.

I am a Grandma who works from my home. No one understands that even though I am home I do still work. I was asked for a little while to watch my Grandson for a few hours a day for a few weeks and it was h*** o* me. While they waited for daycare. The first time I had a meeting for work and could not watch my grandson, I was made to feel bad. I don't know if it was intentional. But I did.
I love the baby dearly, but when I have him, feel I can't gat anything done. He's a great kid and all but I want to take care of him.
And maybe that is what your mom is feeling. Not that I don't want to help. Hopefully this will help.

it's worth it to pay someone not related to you to care for your kids if you enjoy your work, even if you break even. it's not right that she left without telling you ahead of time, but you knew your sister was having a baby so you should have discussed visits and arrangements with your mom ahead of time. you're mixing family feelings/jealousy and convenient childcare together and it's just not working. if my daycare bailed on me, i'd find a new provider ASAP, no questions asked. you say your feelings are hurt, but have you thought that your sister in MN might be also be hurt that her mom lives closest to you and gets to see you and your kids much more often?

Hey J.,
I can tell you this much coming from a big family. All my brothers and sisters has used my parents as free babysitters. The only time they watched my kids is when they offered. I never asked for them to watch unless they offered. Then I started to see them get over whelemed and told them no it's okay. That's when I changed my work hours I do the night shift my husband does the days. Now there is no other way for us because we moved here to arizona. We miss each other but our kids are more important. We have atleast 2 to 3 nights out of the week that I am home to sleep. We do it because we don't know or trust anyone here. So this way our kids will always have 1 of us with them. It takes getting use to working overnights, but you just have to know when to take your naps during the day, since I have my 4 yr. old at home with me till he starts school next year. I also get time to sleep longer when my husband gets home. You just have to be careful how you spend your time during the day so your not so tired at work. Anyways don't be so mad at your mother she probably wants to enjoy being grandma not forced to be a sitter. Either change your work hours or hire someone that's the only 2 options I know of. Good luck. C.