Grandmother Too Busy

I am sorry she is not responding the way you would like. Both my parents came to my house almost never. So I get how you feel. I did come to the conclusion that they were not going to change. I also told myself I will still invite but not expect them to come. If they came good, if they did not , that was good to. I noticed once I came to terms with it, I was fine. They missed out on a lot of great times at my home but it was their loss. I love my parents very much and I believe they love me too. I hope this helpls.

I don't have any idea how to "stop feeling so rejected"...have you told her how you feel? How this absentee business is making you feel? If so, and she's not made an effort then I say no more invites.

That's what I would do.

I would eventually stop issuing invitations. If she actually does care, eventually she will bring it up to you. In that event, you can tell her how you feel and that you stopped asking because she so rarely made any attempt to come to things....

I hear you. Learn from me. I am now in my 50's

Some people will NEVER change. They either can't or do not want to change, but we have to learn to just go on either with them, or by ignoring them..

I have known my husband since we were 13. His mother, my MIL, has treated my wonderful husband, her son as though he is the 3rd person in line for her heart. .

Can you imagine? We tried as you are doing.. Giving a heads up, including her in the plans, phone calls, notes, emails, offering to pick her up.. Nothing. It is hit and miss. mostly miss.. And yet she cannot bend backwards far enough for her daughter, my husbands sister.

The difference? My sister in law married into money..

My husband even went to therapy with his mother. This is were she stated, "Mothers are always closer to their daughters".. The Therapist told her, "no that is actually not true, and besides it is your choice to have a favorite, most moms never admit they have a favorite". This not only infuriated me, but broke my heart. And yet we continued to try to include her for years.

What finally broke the camels back is when our daughter was about to graduate from High School. In all of the school years my MIL NEVER attended 1 event our daughter was a part of. We all live within 20 minutes of each other. And yet she went to every event, that her grandsons participated in.

I decided, this had gone too far. I no longer keep her updated, informed, or invite her to anything. I no longer remind my husband about her birthday, anniversaries. I do not purchase gifts..

These last 5 years have been bliss. I do not worry, fret, or concern myself.. She has learned, without me.. Her son and her grand daughter is hit or miss. Sometimes they remember to include her or informe her.. but usually not.

I now give my attention, my love and my time to those in my life that are kind, interested and want me to be a part of their lives.

Being related by blood, does not make you family.. Sometimes it is good friends that are your real family.

Find a way to come to peace with this. If you need to speak with a professional, do it. You are worth it. You deserve to be loved.

Boy, do I hear you. I have a father with mental illness. Different situation, but here's what I had to work on... Based on past behavior (x), I can expect (y). I might get (z), but that is the exception, not the rule. I had to change my thinking. And, I had to change my judgment of my own feelings. 'Why can't I get over this. This always happens. What's wrong with me that I'm still upset?'

You are having a normal response!!! You know you need to mourn, but who the heck wants to. The only reason to do so is because its going to help you change how you perceive the situation. So the only thing you can change are your thoughts. 'I invite, she will most likely decline. I already know this.'

BTW, I think it shows what kind of person you are that you still attempt to include her. She is missing out on so much and while friends are fantastic, family holds your hand when you're dying. You are showing your kids about real love by leaving a space open for the relationship, not slamming the door. It takes a lot of strength to continue to be open.

Has anyone suggested a replacement Grandma?

Or if it more your need for a mother a replacement Mom.

It's weird but i'm started to notice that there are more and more people who feel like family and who are helping me to raise my kids. like the neighbors are replacement grandmas, and the lady at work feels like a mom to me, and people at church do all sorts of grandparenly things. oh and there is one mom on here that just makes me feel great except when i need a tlking to and she gives it, total mamapedia mom to me.

So be open to finding people to fill that void for you, and then it's up to you what role your bio mom has.

I am sorry for your loss, and that's exactly how you need to treat it. Mourn for the loss of what you feel you should have (and yes, you SHOULD have it), and then, like any loss, you have to pick up and move on. Don't dwell on what you're missing, or anything related to your mother. Move on, as hard as it might be, and focus on your relationship with your own children.

You will always have her in your heart and in the back of your mind, but it won't always have to hurt like it does right now. I do understand. It's honestly just like when someone dies...you want them back, but you CANNOT make it happen. I think you have to look at it like that, so you are ABLE to mourn and then move on.

Again, so sorry.

The only suggestion I would have for you is acceptance.

I know it hurts, however, only accepting the situation for what it is will keep you from getting hurt in the future. You say that this rift occurred a long time ago, and you have continued to reach out. Understand that no matter how hard you try, she's going to do/prioritize her own interests first. She is not interested in spending time with you or your family if 'something better' is happening (which admittedly sucks, and hurts your feelings). Please believe me, I've had to do this with a couple of people in my family. It hurt to admit that they didn't care enough to make an effort, but once I accepted this and *greatly* lowered my expectations of them, things did feel better. I stopped being hopeful they would respond positively, and wasn't disappointed. I stopped putting importance on their presence in my life and found both other people to act as 'family' to our son, but also found other things which fulfilled me in lieu of that relationship. So, maybe I don't extend myself much in their direction now, but I am not continually inviting a rejecting message.

I'd also just let some time go by and let her ask to meet up with you and the kids instead of you making the effort. If she doesn't, then don't worry-- remember, you don't have to be the grandparent she is modeling for you right now. YOU will know better when your own kids call and say "Hey, Mom, we're going out for dinner on Saturday night..." :)

I like Laurie A's response.

Some Moms, are not Moms and cannot be Moms.
And there is no point in trying to analyze why.

Amazingly, you have grown up with a cold Mom like that.
You have your own family and children.
Just focus on that.

Don't "expect" anything or anything more from your Mom.
Don't pine away.
Just recognize, that your Mom is simply, not a Hallmark card and never was and never... will, be.
Then go ON with your life.
Make yourself, happy.
Don't dwell on the past.
Dwell on the now. Your life and your kids/Husband.

And if you need to, seek some "grief" counseling.
Because, this is a form of grieving. Of not having, what you wanted or thought you should have, in a Mom.
And stop, trying to "please" her.

As a side note: my sibling... ALWAYS her whole life, was at odds with my Mom. Because, she never thought, our Mom was the way a Mom was "supposed" to be. She even would tell my Mom "Why can't you be like so and so's Mom... " and she'd just want my Mom to be like other people's Moms. Sure my Mom is not perfect and she and my sibling never really bonded, like in a warm and fuzzy movie. But oh well. But so my sibling spent most of her life, trying to over compensate or overly please my Mom. To no avail. It was her own "movie" in her head, that made my sibling, react as such. And it was not, reality. It was her ideals of what a Mom was supposed to be. Not what was. So anyway, even if she is a full grown adult now in her 50's, she still has a hard time with it. My Mom loves her. But they are not close. I have a different relationship with my Mom, and she is fine to me. Certainly as my Mom got older, she also, grew as a person. I see that. But she is still a flawed human, like most people.
But at a certain point, you and my sibling... need to just get on with your own sense of self. I don't mean that in a negative way, to you. But your Mom seems... much colder than my Mom ever was.
So with that in mind, Laurie A. gives good advice.

Don't stop extending the invitations. Just know that when Grandma says "no" it is not about you or who you are. It is about her and who she is. She probably has no consciousness of hurting you. She probably loves you and your kids but on terms that make sense to her, not you. She is who she is and she can't be what you want. Let it be enough.

You have to separate yourself from her decisions. They aren't about you. I know you "know" that, but it still hurts because you WANT it to be about you. That is the whole point. That's why it hurts and you feel rejected.

My husband's mother is pretty flaky, too. She never has any concrete answers either... "What have you been up to lately?" her: Not much. "Kiddo's birthday is coming up in a few weeks, do you think you will come down for it?" her: I don't knowww.... (two weeks later) "So should we make up the guest room for you?" her: Nooooooo I'm not going to be able to make it. "oh...?" her: I have an appointment.

It's always some vague "appointment". She is a widow. Who is retired. And lives alone. All her children are grown with kids of their own. She does not call and ask about them. She did not even call her own son and wish him happy birthday last week. She never mentions her dead husband. Ever. She's just a flake. It has nothing to do with anything my husband has ever done or not done or said or not said. She is just a freak. Our kids are starting to pick up on it... we have never made excuses for it. It is what it is.

I'd suggest that part of why you are upset so much, is that you are unhappy with the position you are in having to explain her absences to your kids. You don't want to paint her in a negative light... you want her to have a good relationship with them. But, you really don't have the obligation to make her look good to your kids. Her behavior is what it is, and has nothing to do with them either. Just be matter of fact. "She said ____". When they question further, just tell them the truth: you don't know.
The first few times I did that with our kids I felt badly for them. But it wasn't ME. It was her. They love her, but they understand she isn't quite normal. In the end, it will make it easier for them to accept when she doesn't behave like a normal person. It won't feel like a reflection on them, because it isn't a reflection on them. It is just... her.

I don't know if I've helped you at all. I hope so. It is tough. My husband has done a good job moving past a lot of stuff with his mom over the years... He probably could've used some counseling a few times in his life over her and the things she has done/not done. But he is now at the point where she doesn't affect him by her actions. Her PAST actions, have a sneaky way of affecting current things from time to time....but nothing she does now.
Good luck.
I'm sorry. It sucks.

Think about this in reverse. If your mother had called you to invite you to one of her events but you already had something planned and you had committed to it would you cancel your own event to go to hers?

Have you tried making her part of the planning process? Call her before you set up a date and let her know what you have in mind. If she refuses to commit, then she's just flaky.

In any case, you do have a right to be disappointed but you'll be less disappointed if you lower your expectations of her. You're expecting different behavior from her even though she's shown you over and over and over what you should expect from her... what she's capable of giving. Do you have a "right" to have DIFFERENT expectations of her? Eh, I would say no. It would be nice if she were motherly and grandmotherly, but that's not who she is. So you have to work with what you have, and that means lowering your expectations. That way when she does something nice it will be an unexpected treat.

I look at the example you gave and if I already had plans, and one of my kids planned an event for the same time, I would say no as well. The flip side of your example is you are expecting her to cancel her plans because you picked that point in time to have a party.

So perhaps stop looking at it as she is picking a business dinner over you when you planned something when she already had plans.

We plan our parties more than a month out and check with key people to see if they have something on their schedule. Then we go with the date that most people can make. Perhaps if you tried something like that she would be able to make more events.
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Sorry I know you want sunshine and daisies but I don't understand the stop inviting answers. No where do I see you saying she said yes and then said never mind, something better came up. All I am seeing is you are asking after she has committed to other plans. So instead of imagining you are second fiddle start including her in the planning and do so well in advance.

I am a mother of adult children and your attitude of this all being your mom doesn't sit well with me. If one of my children had wrote this I would be calling them entitled, like they expected me to drop everything and do their bidding. Thankfully my kids don't, they usually say well let me see if I can find a different date.

Sorry but I cannot support this is all on your mom, own your part.

That must be really hard and I do feel for you. Rejection from your own mother and rejection of her grandkids must be very painful. I don't have any advice, per se, but I know that in my life, a trigger goes off when I've had enough emotionally and once that trigger is pulled, I'm DONE feeling or caring. I can't explain it, but I'm grateful that I have this self-preservation threshold. And I have used it with my own family. I've come to not care so deeply and not take things personally like I used to. I keep things very light and pleasant. We don't have a deep relationship like I'd like (it's not for a lack of me trying), but that's ok now. I'm not going to cut them out of my life, I just keep it very superficial (not fake, superficial). Anyway, that is how I handle it personally. Look within yourself and see if you, too, can find the handle. And pull that lever for your own emotional preservation. Good luck.

My husband has a father who is much like your Mom. It does hurt his feelings. His father is not a bad person, simply an emotionally disengaged one, and expecting him to be anything else is unrealistic.

It seems to help when I remind my husband that his father is probably giving all he has to give. My husband does invite his Dad to events, but he has learned to see it as inviting his Dad because he chooses to do so, not because he wishes his Dad would come. And yes, he still wishes his Dad would come, but he is slowing changing his outlook from expectation and hope to "I am doing this because I want to invite him."

And though it would be different from our situation, I also wonder how old your Mom is and how old she was when she had you. If she was young when she had you, she may be spending time doing things she felt she missed, and hanging out with children (again) may be secondary to that desire. While I personnally do not get this, I was pretty old when I started my family, and I'll be grateful to be half in my right mind, let alone get to go to parties, when grandkids come along.

Good luck to you,
e

Please just keep reminding yourself that she's the one losing out. She will never really know her wonderful grandchildren and that is truly her loss.

If I were you, I would keep inviting, but just expect that she's not coming and you'll be pleasantly surprised on the rare occasion that she shows up.

Also, there are ways to develop wonderful relationships with mother-figures. If you go to church or volunteer for a charity and make an effort to talk to women from other generations, you can get to know them and it is really rewarding. My family has a few of these women in our lives (we live a distance from our biological families). They come to the birthday parties and support us in our other life events, it's wonderful. You should think about it. It may help heal the hole in your heart.

She treats you like a casual aquantence. Return the favor. Think of her as your flaky friend. Nice to have around but not necessary for your self esteem. She raised you. She went through the diapers and school and the flaky, finicky teen years. Then she kind of flaked out herself.

You are in charge of how much that hurts you. If you say harsh words or get involved with revenge then it will hurt for a long time.
If you take the position that she is a flaky friend then you can let things go. You can decide if you want to keep her informed. Or you can take the other position of letting her be the one to wonder why you haven't called or what you are doing for this or that special day. Then when she wants to reach out, she will. You can be happy on the day she comes. Your flaky friend showed up! How great!

Hi A.,

I will admit I didn't read every response so I hope I am not duplicating here. My mother is very similar and it is like a knife in the heart every time she slights my son. Even when I was pregnant with him (he's 11.5) she said point blank to me, "don't expect me to be one of THOSE types of grandmothers." One thing I can say is knowing how neglectful of, and unkind to, me she was during my childhood, I wouldn't feel safe having him spend any significant time with her, especially in a care giving situation. I have confronted her to no avail. My conclusion has come to this: she is the one missing out on being part of the life of, whom I believe to be, the most unbelievably fantastic, brilliant, gorgeous, sweet, kind, best boy ever to walk this planet. It is her loss and she can suffer the consequences of her decisions. I know I must sound bitter and I will admit I still feel anger at times but when I do I remind myself of the conclusion stated above and keep things moving. I hope you can find some peace and a resolution. Best of all to you and yours. S.

I'm sorry that you're feeling badly about it. Sometimes people's expectations just don't mesh. I believe there are a lot of grandparents out there who would like to be more involved, but that's not how their daughters/sons see things, and unfortunately, things tend to go the way of the person who wants less involvement.
I don't know you and I don't know your mom, of course. Perhaps she feels like she sacrificed a lot when she was raising her own family and now it's time for her to let loose and enjoy herself. Perhaps when you married, she felt that your first commitment would now be to somebody else, and if the rest of your life would be putting your husband and kids first, that she didn't need to put you first anymore either. It might help to ask her how often she'd like to see you and your family, and what events she would want to be invited to. For instance, if the birthday was a whole family celebration, I could see wanting to be invited - but if you were asking her to hang out at the batting cages while a dozen 3rd graders were hitting balls, I could understand that this just wasn't what she was interested in. But some grandparents would go to ANY event involving their grandkid. So it might help if you could talk with her about her wants and expectations, and let her know if there are certain things that really mean a lot to your kids for her to attend - "Mom, Dylan doesn't really care if you watch him and his friends at the batting cages, but his school concerts are a really big deal and he REALLY wants you to be there, would you please come?" Also, if you are inviting her to events when she already has plans, I can understand not wanting to back out of a commitment, so if she needs more advanced notice than you are giving, maybe you can try to give her that - but it might be good to ask first, "If we had invited you to the birthday before you committed to the business event, would you have come?" This is really what will tell you what her priorities are.

I hope that this does not come across as judgemental or critical of you in any way. That's not what I intended.

I can see how you would expect your mom to be more interested in you and your family's activities, but she's not so much for whatever reason. And it does hurt. You have tried, really you have. I think it is only polite to extend the invite, but without the level of expectation that you have. She can't give you what she doesn't have. She might in fact have other plans. Not all grandmothers sit at home waiting to be invited or included in the grand kids' activities. These days they are out leading very busy social lives. You say she's always been a disengaged parent. She hasn't changed, but you have to change your reaction to what she does. She's not going to change, but don't make yourself sick over her behavior. Have you ever called her out on this behavior? Maybe that might make you feel better. Although, it will not likely change her.

Just remember it's her, not you. My MIL is much the same. She spends the holidays with her boyfriends family rather than us and going out dancing on Saturday night takes precedent over anything to do with her grandchildren. It's not that she doesn't love them, it's just that she puts her own stuff first. Once we accepted this is how she is, we lowered our expectations of her, and we aren't bothered by it. We keep inviting her, and when she does come the kids enjoy having her. She is the only grandparent my kids have, so we make the best of it. Sure, I wish my kids had the hands on kind of grandma who babysits on a regular basis, but that's not what we have. Luckily we have wonderful neighbours who act like grandparents to our kids.

When dealing with a Grandparent of convience you have to grow a thick skin and put the kids into the spot that holds your attention. Your Mom is missing out (your kids are but probably don't realize to much of what they are missing) It is hard to be in that spot but put the invite out there as we are doing x at Y time love to see you and leave it alone. Don't expect anything and be glad for what you get.

"How do I stop feeling so rejected and sad every time she declines?" Consider the source-someone who doesn't have, for whatever reason/reasons , the capacity for motherhood and the God given sense to be a Gran. Keep trying by offering invites-then you can always say that you tried. Moving forward is the difficult part- wanting something unobtainable is common and the nature of man-everyone wants a mom, validation for the person that they are, and to be properly and fully loved. Take care-I will pray for you and your mom.

I would only extend her invites where you can accept that she comes or doesn't come. When you do invite her, know that it is not about you or your children that she doesn't come. I would also not tell the kids she is coming til you actually see her, so it's a pleasant surprise vs a letdown (something we started doing with my sks when they were little because otherwise poor SD in particular would scan the crowd in vain...). If you think she would listen, talk to her about it. Maybe point out how much it would mean for her to be there or ask her to consider a compromise like taking your son out another day vs attending the party.

If your children are sad, remind them that everyone has faults and prioritizing them is one of your mother's faults. It is not about THEM, it is about HER.

I would also cultivate relationships that build you up. Is there a friend or neighbor who would love to take your kids out, attend the play, be at their birthday party? I have a dear friend who is friend and mentor to me and adores my DD. Absolutely is she included - in part because her new DIL doesn't seem to want the grands around very much and she misses out on a lot with the grandchildren she does have. Sometimes it goes the other way, too.

I'm sorry she cannot be the mom you want. It's hard, even when you are all grown up.

ETA: I would steer clear of ultimatums unless you are willing to actually cut all ties. It sounds like she does come some of the time and you aren't ready to cut her off. Don't threaten something you will regret doing.

Sorry, you;re going through this. I understand, in a way. My in-laws are wonderful people. I have a closer relationship with my MIL then my own mother. However, they have really failed (in our eyes) on the grandparent front. I have simply stopped asking. If they want to see him, they make the effort. It's a rare effort, but at least I'm not being constantly frustrated. I don't know about the rejection part, I guess I never felt that. I feel like I want the people in my child's life to WANT to be there. To be eager to see him grow. I really don't want people in his life, who don't care to be there. It actually saves him pain.

There is a verse in the bible about leaving and cleaving when you marry. Perhaps your mom feels that is what you did when you married and became your own family.

What you are wanting is that same bond as when you were a child. But you both have grown. Perhaps your mom is who she was when you were a child but kept it in the background rasing you to be independent and now she can continue her life as she wants.

We all want to have the "happily ever after" regardless but it does not work out that way. Love her from afar and be the mom to your kids she never was to you. Also be that grandmom when you become a grandma.
Know that she has done her best and go forward as painful as it may be. She has shown you she can give you no more and you must accept that. Extend an invite and know that you sent it and it is up to her to respond or not. Remember family is not always blood related.

May you find peace.

the other S.

PS I have several "other children" who are in my life that are not adopted or born into my family that I love dearly.

I think that maybe it might help if you go to counseling and talk about it. Maybe just being able to talk will help. That may be how you learn to stop feeling rejected. I do think that if you feel that this 25% of the time is better than NOTHING, that you should just keep inviting and take what you get. If you stop inviting, then you may never see her. Is that a chance you want to take?

If she were mean to you, cruel , awful to your children, that's certainly a reason to break ties. Minus that, with her being flaky, uninvolved, absent most of the time, perhaps that's not bad enough to banish her from your life.

Good luck,
Dawn

I would say write her a letter and tell her that you realized that she has moved on years and years ago but you have not until now. Tell her how it has made you feel that everything else on the planet is more important to her than her own daughter and her grandchildren. Tell her that you will not be inviting her to anything or any future events and that since she wants to live her life without you then you are letting her do just that. I bet after she reads it then she will slowly start coming around and will probably want to come to family events. If not, then at least you can have some kind of closure over this.

I can relate. I have family that is like this as well. I suggest that since you already know how she normally responds, you stop holding her to that higher standard. You know she is flaky and unable to commit. Stop investing your emotions and letting her get the best of you. I would stop inviting her to anything for awhile. See if she calls and asks what happened or why you haven't called. Make her miss you. Or another option would be to confront her head on and give her an extreme wake-up call. Ask her straight if she wants to be in your life, does she want to spend time with you and family, why is everything else more important.....It sounds like the problem doesn't lie with you, its her. She must have some internal issues going on where she doesn't commit or doesn't know how. I know you feel incredibly bad and I am so sorry this is happening to you. The above suggestions helped me with my family member and today we have a much better relationship. It took time apart and an ultimatum to change to have things work out. I hope that things get better. It is NOT your fault. Keep telling yourself that.....

The only thing you can do is let go and stop having any expectations or hopes. Stop inviting, stop making an effort to include her. She has to be nothing more than an incidental character in your life. Good luck!

When I repeatledly turn down family invitations its because I don't like:
1. the other guests
2. a certain family member
3. the materialisticness of my family
4. the fact that my outfit will be scrutinized
5. everyone else is much more fashionable than I
6. My family invites too many friends and I feel lost as a family member who lives LD away
etc.

Ask her what the reasons are and be ready to remedy them if you really want her to be there.