I Need a Judges Ruling

Will you be giving a small speech and welcoming everyone? If so, then would be a sweet time to mention how they got married on her bday and celebrated. The only way I'd say to forgo it would be if she'd get really upset. If she'd like the sentiment, then yes, it would be appropriate.

Ask her! There's no reason not to. What makes her comfortable is all that matters. You don't have to guess here...

I'd probably keep the birthday celebration focused on her birthday only and send flowers and a card on the 28th.

In my family, we would definitely mention it. It might bring a tear to people's eyes but so what? A little sincere emotion never ruined a party. I think given the significance of the day and that she always celebrated her birthday and anniversary together, it would be odd to not acknowledge that in some way. I think a toast to your parents' marriage and your dad's memory would be touching and appropriate.

I went to a Bar Mitzvah a couple of years ago for a boy whose mom had passed away a few years prior. His mom had written a letter to her son to be read to him during the ceremony. Dad read the letter and there wasn't a dry eye in the house. It was an emotional moment, but of course everyone there was already thinking how heartbreaking it was that his mom wasn't there for this so the letter managed to appropriately broach the subject and then everyone was free to share that moment and move on with celebrating the joyous day. I think a toast to your dad and their marriage would do the same thing.

I think a toast is a very appropriate, lovely and touching idea, but it matters most what your mom thinks. Once you're at the venue, and it's no longer a surprise, ask your mom how she feels about a toast to your dad. She may love the idea.

After losing a spouse, many family and friends shy away from talking about the deceased because they don't want to upset the widow/widower. I can tell you from personal experience that this is very sad. When this happens, it feels as if our loved one never existed. On the contrary, it is so wonderful to hear someone else say our loved one's name out loud.

You can't hurt a widow/widower by bringing it up. They live with the absence every day. Six years has passed, and your mom is probably past the very raw grief part. She has likely incorporated your father's absence into her daily life, but that does not mean she doesn't miss him like crazy, doesn't wish for all the world that he were there to celebrate with her. A small toast won't "steal any thunder." She and your dad shared nearly an entire lifetime together. I think a toast is a lovely gesture to acknowledge that lifetime.

As for "depressing" the celebration? Everyone already knows your father is deceased. They are treasured family and friends. I would give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they have the emotional strength to handle a toast that will probably last less than a minute.

Whatever your mom and you decide, I hope she has a wonderful celebration and that she truly feels all the love that you've put into this special day for her.

I can share my personal experience. My dad passed when I was young. At my wedding, no one wanted to mention my dad, yet I was very aware that someone was missing. My aunt (a very loving and sensitive person) came over to me at a quiet moment and told me how proud my father would have been. I did tear up, but happy tears - not sad. I was very touched.

I think it was appropriate at my wedding to have mentioned my dad, but many didn't. It upset my mother for example. But it was the right thing to do - and I'm glad someone did.

You know your mom best - you could ask her if you feel you uncertain. Or you could do as you say, remember her anniversary in a quiet moment.

What has your Mom done to celebrate her birthday and her marriage in previous years? If she's not celebrated both on same day, I'd.have the party be just for her birthday. With my mother, I'd just ask her what she wanted. I would definitely not surprise her at the party.

I think you should ask your mom this question, she may love the idea or it may make her sad, there's no way for us to know.

Some people would love it - others wouldn't.
It really depends on what your Mom wants.
Ask her and follow her lead on this.

I think it totally depends on your mother and how she normally observes this with others. If she will cry and not be able to compose herself, then no. If keeping quiet will upset her, make her think people don't know about the coinciding events, and make this "the elephant in the room," then do something. It's close family and her dear friend, so it's not like it's an auditorium full of casual acquaintances. I think everyone will remember that he's gone due to the fact that she's sitting there without him, so avoiding mention of him isn't going to fool anyone in attendance. In general, happy moments are often mixed with comments about who's not there - as JB mentioned below, it's commonplace at bar/bat mitzvahs and even weddings in many cases. And, by the same token, funerals often include funny stories and anecdotes.

I think you could bring the subject up with her ahead of time, or just wait until earlier in the day before the dinner and say that you're all sad that Dad can't be there, then see how she handles it.

In many cases, people in their 80s are pretty used to seeing their friends without spouses, and they are a bit resigned to being a widow or widower. Talking about it is usually far better than ignoring it.

What's this have to do with a judges ruling? lol I thought this was a custody question.

Why don't you just ask your mom? I think you are too worried about what everyone will think and not focusing on the purpose of the event. If your mom thinks it's ok then do it, if not, then don't. It's her bday and her party so I would leave it up to her. I definitely would not "surprise" her by doing it without asking her first. Good luck.

A "judges ruling"? Why don't you just ask your mom what she thinks?

Ask your mom. My son passed away and although I greatly appreciate it if someone mentions him on Christmas Day for example, it will make me cry. Just like on his birthday or anniversary I am okay until someone asks me how I am...then I cry and I actually don't want to cry I just want to get through the day. Cards and FB messages are very much appreciated too though. I prefer to cry in private.

Ask your mom, but I would vote yes. It's no use to pretend she's not thinking of him that day. I'm sure she will be, so why not acknowledge it.

I'm sorry for your loss. I know the sting of losing a parent too soon.

If you want me to be a "judge" on this one? I would keep her birthday separate from their anniversary.

You are celebrating HER birthday. NOT their anniversary.

I don't think it's inappropriate at all to recognize her anniversary as well as her birthday. I think it's lovely. I would tell her in advance, though, and ask how she would prefer to recognize the occasion. Would she prefer a toast with raising a glass, or have someone simply say something, or read a little poem? Or if she would prefer not to bring up your dad's passing or her anniversary, then respect that.

And I'd make sure that whomever was in charge of giving the toast or speaking a few words of remembrance is able to keep that part of the celebration from becoming too sad, or going off topic, or becoming dramatic. It would be important to keep that part of the birthday celebration from turning into a memorial. A balance, I guess, is what I'm trying to say: remembering her anniversary, while keeping the party all about her birthday and the friends and family who are surrounding her at that moment and celebrating her life.

And please wish your mom a happy birthday from the virtual world here, and I'm sorry that your dad isn't with you to help celebrate. Best wishes to you and your mom!

i suggest you ask your mom what she'd like.
khairete
S.

It's totally appropriate to toast them at this event, especially since the 2 events have always been celebrated together. Not to be disrespectful to the guest, but how they would feel doesn't matter. What needs to be considered is how your mother would feel. I would talk to her about it.

i would send the flowers and not do anything but birthday stuff at the party. if you do a toast or anything you risk her crying because she mises her husband, and you don't want to spoil a happy birthday party with that.

I don't know their/your relationship, but I think it would be wonderful to toast your dad.

Send her flowers on the day. Keep the birthday party a party.

I would celebrate my mom's birthday.

What does SHE want?

You should ask her.

If it were me, I would want to celebrate both, since it's how they did it in life. But that's ME. You can see a lot of mom's are different from me on here. So you have to do what your mom wants.

If she mentions it do it. If she doesn't mention it don't bring it up.