I Know I'm Being Silly But... How Do You Deal with Your Guy Being Gone?

It doesn't happen often. Once last year my husband had a training weekend away at the same time my son had an overnight at taekwondo.
I think it was the first time in 10 years I'd had a whole night to myself alone at home.
I took a nice long bath (I even lit the candles), did a conditioning hair mask, face mask, and watched a few of my favorite movies that no one else likes to watch (and I didn't have to share the popcorn).
Just plan a little special 'me' time for yourself and enjoy it.
If you have trouble sleeping while he's gone for a few days, hug his pillow. It'll smell just like him.

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Addition: R., sweetie, NO ONE is trying to make you feel bad. We're trying to help you. Please try to look at it that way. My hubby is my best friend too. We've been married 28 years and were high school sweethearts. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be close to your main squeeze at nightime. It's just that when you are "a mess, sad, pathetic, upset" (all your words, not mine) that it is worrisome to us all writing in here.

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R., many husbands travel on their jobs. Many wives do too. It's part of life. You aren't even married and you're having difficulty.

I hope this doesn't sound cold, but I really think you should get some counseling for this. There is something going on that makes you feel abandoned when he leaves. I really think you would feel better if you got some help with this.

All my best to you,
D.

5 moms found this helpful

Well I understand how you feel and not to offend you but I also sometimes have a hard time hearing woman talk like this when their hubbies are gone for only at short time. I have 2 kids, 5 months pregnant with our 3rd and my hubby just got deployed to Iraq for a year! So sometimes when my sister calls and says she had such a hard day cause her hubby was gone until 9:30 that night I want to say "shut up! You are talking to the wrong person if you want some sympathy lol." But I do know it's hard anytime our hubby's are gone whether they are in harms way or just away on a work trip. It is hard but there are things you can do to help it.....a little. For one I never count down the days. That just makes time go by slower for me. I try to stay really busy and I have to fall asleep with the t.v. on our else I can't fall asleep at all. And I still have trouble some nights. My hubby has only been gone for 2 months but I still have sleepless nights. I think it's just human nature to want to be close to someone and have that physical connection. So don't think there is anything wrong with you for hating it when your hubby is gone but just try to think positively. Do fun things you can't do while he is around like watch chick flick, have a girls night out to dinner. go shopping etc.

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It was hard for me at first but now I am used to his occasional trips, I plan ahead- get some "chick flicks" that he wouldn't like and I enjoy having the tv all to my self after the kids go to bed. maybe a snack that would be unhealthy for him and make it my treat night(s)

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You are depending too much on your boyfriend to make you happy. Women commonly do that and then when their man is gone, they fall apart. You need to have other things or people that you lean on. Your girlfriends, your extended family, your hobbies, your job or whatever.

My husband is deployed. I miss him a lot but he is not my rock. I use God as my rock because he is always there for me.

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LOL! You're the exact opposite of me! I LOVE LOVE LOVE my husband to death, but when he goes out of town on business, I get super happy. It doesn't happen TOO often and when he's here he works from home 90% of the time and asking him "honey, when's a good time to run the vacuum cleaner so it won't be too loud for your conference call" gets real old real fast. When he's away, I don't hear "but I want DADDY to put me to bed" or other stalling tactics, I don't have to worry that DADDY sneaks them some ice-cream for breakfast (can you imagine?!), the house runs like clockwork and surprisingly stays WAAY cleaner than when he's around. I do love my hubs, he is my soulmate and best friend and we have a great marriage. But, man, do I appreciate the away time! I can watch whatever I want on TV, I can make a salad for myself for dinner (kids have eaten earlier, of course), I can go to bed as early as I want, I love a quiet house and my hubs comes from a loud family and is quite loud himself, so that's a nice perk, there are so many good things to look forward to when he's away. The best thing, though, is welcoming him back and seeing him again and getting that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling we get when we see the love of our life after an absence. It's all good!

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LOL! You're the exact opposite of me! I LOVE LOVE LOVE my husband to death, but when he goes out of town on business, I get super happy. It doesn't happen TOO often and when he's here he works from home 90% of the time and asking him "honey, when's a good time to run the vacuum cleaner so it won't be too loud for your conference call" gets real old real fast. When he's away, I don't hear "but I want DADDY to put me to bed" or other stalling tactics, I don't have to worry that DADDY sneaks them some ice-cream for breakfast (can you imagine?!), the house runs like clockwork and surprisingly stays WAAY cleaner than when he's around. I do love my hubs, he is my soulmate and best friend and we have a great marriage. But, man, do I appreciate the away time! I can watch whatever I want on TV, I can make a salad for myself for dinner (kids have eaten earlier, of course), I can go to bed as early as I want, I love a quiet house and my hubs comes from a loud family and is quite loud himself, so that's a nice perk, there are so many good things to look forward to when he's away. The best thing, though, is welcoming him back and seeing him again and getting that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling we get when we see the love of our life after an absence. It's all good!

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My hubby is on the road 1-3 nights a week and has been during the 25 yrs we've been together.

I actually like it. It gives me some "me" time for myself to read, organize, spend time with daughter, actually sleep well, clean house, etc.

Since you are not accustomed to this, I can see a small amount of anxiety in the beginning but really.... you need to address this within yourself. Your children will pick up on this fear and then they will have this insecurity as well.

Maybe you need a weekend trip to get away from it all now and then.

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I guess i'm the opposite here I love it the house to myself me with the kids the bed all to myself NO SNORING...What is a few days without the man we can all manage..
Ya there is a lil sadness but come on here he is on vacation really your crying over this he will be back when its time to come back.
I could see if he was on leave for months or yrs, an over the road trucker,on a buisness trip half way around the world..
Maybe there is something wrong with me then because I don't shed a tear just because he had to be gone a night or two for work..Not that I don't miss him it's just another part of being a wife/mom.

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Hi R.,
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you other than he WILL be back before you know it.
My hubby travels all the time for work, and he takes several golf trips through the year, and while it was weird at first, I have to say actually look forward to the "mini-vacations" I get when hes away--hahaha.
He's the picky eater in the house so my son & I can have whatever we want for dinner and the best part--a few night of NO SNORING!
Hang in there, kiddo--you'll be fine. And you'll have a happy reunion when he gets back! =-)

3 moms found this helpful

I get where you are coming from. My hubs was gone for five months in New Mexico traning and it took me a long time to be okay with nights. Partly because after the my son went to bed everything got so quiet and partly because I hate being home alone at night!! But it does get eaiser, now when he works nights which is from 9pm to 9am (I know its not the same as him being out of state) but I am alone during the night for a month it doesnt bother me as much. Maybe have him wear his cologne to bed and his scent will be all over his pillow, you can snuggle with it when he is gone. Lol, a little girlie but it might help.

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I have to agree with Dawn that you should consider getting some counseling. Not just for this, but it seems like you have a lot of uncertainty in your life and are seeking guidance about just about everything, based on your almost daily postings. Following your questions is like watching a soap opera of your life. I thought you broke up with this guy, but it looks like you are still together. I hope you are able to get some support from the feedback of the other mamas, but you may need more one-on-one help.

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My husband works a f/t job at the sheriff's office an a p/t job at our local police dept - he works a 20 hr day often so there are a lot of overnites that we spend on the phone. Most of the calls made by me to him at 3 in the morning! It is hard (especially w/an almost 7 & 13 yr old girls driving me crazy when he's working his 12 hr shifts) but I've learned to kind of suck it up & deal w/it. Do I like it, no! I can't stand the schedule changing 3 weeks every month but it's a paycheck! He has never had a 9-5 job b/c since having children he has wanted me to be home with them, or he just doesn't want to be home to hear the fighting! Either way, it does get lonely and I'll admit there are many tears, like when he has to work on Thanksgiving, Christmas or whatever holiday, but they all pull thru to be sure they all get home to spend some time with their families. All the best to you and if you want I'm usually on the computer in the middle of the night! Drop me a line!

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I can so relate. Every time my husband deploys it is days before I can sleep. I stay up till all hours of the night until I just can not keep my eyes open to avoid laying in that empty bed. We have been married 12 years, and when he is gone the family is just not complete. This is normal, it does not mean you are too dependent on him or anything, it just means you love and miss him.

Blessed Be

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Just to play devil's advocate... Is it possible that there is a deeper issue that you have not yet willingly addressed or probed deeper into? Do you think you may have some underlying jealousy in his absence, or are you "worried" that he might do something while away? Being confident in yourself, especially in his absence, should help you to be strong while he is away. It is wonderful that you miss and love him so much, but is it for the right reason, or is it because you are afraid of something deeper?

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i feel the same way but for different reason: I am scared to be alone. always have been. actually even if i hated marriage, i would have gotten married ONLY so that i am not alone at night
i don't deal with it well at all. so i feel your pain.

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WEll, I think it's sweet.

I think my guy (who travels for a living) would be very pleased if I felt the way you do when he goes away! I DO miss him, but I'm a very independent person so I REALLY enjoy the time to myself.

Sounds to me not like you're clingy and have no self confidence, just like you really love the guy and prefer being near him, which is a lovely sentiment.

I hope he appreciates it! I'll bet he'll be getting a VERY 'warm welcome' when he gets home! Good for you. :)

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it's hard for me to relate because i so crave and cherish 'alone' time, and get so little of it (more now than when i had littles, though.) on the ridiculously rare occasions i'm alone here i whoop it up! hurry to get the mares fed and chores done early, then fix something yummy to nosh on, light candles everywhere, take a long bubbly bath, then have a star trek evening (or johnny depp evening or lord of the rings evening) with a bottle of wine.
now, it would probably fall a little flatter on the second evening, and by the third evening i might be with you.
i'll let you know if it ever happens.
;) khairete
S.

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my husband is gone a lot for work, he works on oil rigs, i keep busy, we text a lot and i let my kids sleep with me while hes gone, they totally fill the void.

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My husband rarely travels but I never sleep the first night when he is gone unless I take Benadryl. I just miss him in the bed, even his noises and motions of the mattress when her turns around. We have been married for 22 years so it is not like we are newlywed, and it is not sexual at all, just companionship. I know exactly how you feel. We text a lot during the day, just the little stuff I would tell him about if he was close. Maybe that would help you too, it is an easy way to send messages but it does not require an instant answer if he is busy with customers. Plus, the clients won't know that his wife is texting so they just think he is in demand and needed. Hang in there, I find it gets better the second night and if he is gone for a week I get into a routine without him. It is just those first few days that are tough. Cheers!

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Wow! Sounds like you really adore your guy! That's great! I am one of the wives who's husband has just deployed for a year and I'm at home with 2 young kids. It's been a week and a half since he left and things are just now settling into place. The first week of him leaving for any reason is tough but then it gets easier. Maybe I'm numb to it because he is gone so often...I guess I've put up a wall where I don't "feel" the emotions anymore...just go thru the motions, if that makes any sense. When I think about him missing a year of the kids' lives though, I turn into a blubbering idiot! I guess what I'm saying is it just depends on your expectations, what you're used to, and whether or not you've built up your defenses.
I'm learning to try to focus on the pluses...I sure have a LOT less laundry and cleaning and cooking to do when he's away =-P

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First, stop calling yourself silly.
You miss him. That's not silly.
I liked how you were able to make a list of all the things you do well.
Great.
Consider making two lists, one list of your strengths,
and another of your weaknesses.
Is one list longer than the other?

This is going to sound silly but consider getting a big stuffed animal
to hold onto in bed. It won't be nearly good enough
but might make some difference. Also, put on some quiet music
when you go to bed, to soothe you into sleep.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi! My husband has been constantly here&there for the past few years as he has to travel all around for the army. It's hard to get used to at first, or right when he leaves on a trip, but I can tell you it usually gets better.

In terms of just missing him sleeping next to you at night..... try a body pillow? Sometimes when my bed feels empty it helps to sleep with that up against my back..... almost like he is there.

Otherwise, I try to get caught up on the stuff that I can't as easily do when he is around, like all of my reading, or creative hobbies like painting, scrapbooking, etc.

Maybe you could plan ahead of time to have friends over for lunch or have a game night at your place while he's gone so that you don't feel like the place is too quiet or you have people to cook for.

(((hugs)))

I'm the same way. My husband recently got a 2nd job and he works the night shift sometimes. I'm such a baby when I have to go to bed alone! I've even had panic attacks a few times before he goes and he's had to call off. It's horrible - I used to be so independent! Before I met my husband I was engaged to a guy in the Navy for 6 years and I handled him being gone so much better. I wish I had some advice for you - but know you're not alone!

Apparently he doesn't snore! It will get better-and it's only two more nights! Maybe you should tell him how you feel? Not right away, though.

When I was living in an apartment, I went to walgreens and bought a motion detector alarm and window alarms that beep loudly if someone opens the window(or a kid hits it hard enough). Then I get my only child and we have a sleepover in my room. I lock the door. I also have a door brace we use in hotel rooms. Now, add the fact my husband is in a wheelchair and could not really defend us. Still, when he is here, I only turn on the alarm and dont' give safety a second thought. I feel better when he is here. It is the same 11 years later. I don't feel bad or weird.
My daughter decided we should just all go together to visit people or go on vacation. That way no one is home alone and no one has to worry about anyone else. I thought that was very perceptive for an 8 year old.

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When I was living in an apartment, I went to walgreens and bought a motion detector alarm and window alarms that beep loudly if someone opens the window(or a kid hits it hard enough). Then I get my only child and we have a sleepover in my room. I lock the door. I also have a door brace we use in hotel rooms. Now, add the fact my husband is in a wheelchair and could not really defend us. Still, when he is here, I only turn on the alarm and dont' give safety a second thought. I feel better when he is here. It is the same 11 years later. I don't feel bad or weird.
My daughter decided we should just all go together to visit people or go on vacation. That way no one is home alone and no one has to worry about anyone else. I thought that was very perceptive for an 8 year old.

I understand how you feel, R.. My BF travels a few times a year for work for 1-2 weeks at a time. I particularly miss him a tremendous amount when all the busy-ness of the day finally settles down and I'm laying in bed without him. I feel so ridiculous (and pathetic) when I fall asleep crying that he's not right there next to me in bed.

The night before the last trip he took, I took a picture with my phone of him laying in bed reading a book. I took it from the angle of me laying in the bed next to him. He had a really good laugh about it when he found out what I was doing, but it actually helped a lot the last time he was gone. Each night I would get in bed and look at the picture of him laying there reading. It always made me smile (though, sometimes still through tears).

R.,

Here is a hug coming your way cause honestly even the strongest of women are allowed to get soft. I tend to let my friends know when hubby is going out of town for a longer than normal trip. Friends can come over for dinner with their kids and that helps especially over some cocktails. I also love letting the kids sleep with me in our Big bed and that may help you not miss being alone in the bed. There is always skype.

I get it - I would miss my man if he travelled a lot too. (In fact, if I were one of these ladies whose husbands had to leave for a year at a time I might go nuts!!!) As long as it's not anxiety (such as unconscious abandonment issues) then it will pass on it's own, and you'll eventually get accustomed to it. (if something in you is fearing abandonment then you can get over that too with a counseling- I've been there myself so I know it's possible to overcome!)

If it's just that you miss him and his cuddles at night, you can always remember back to the times you slept fine before you met him. If you did it before, you can do it again. Plus, you could ask him to bring you a BIG HUGE SOFT SNUGGLEY teddy bear to sleep with while he's away. It might be a physical thing - maybe you just feel more comfortable being cuddled at night! If a teddy bear is too embarrassing you could get one of those king size pillows. They work too!

I'd be honest with him as long as you feel the relationship is strong (which it sounds like it is)- I'd say something like, "Travel when you must, but otherwise, let's be together!" Tell him how much you miss him while he's away.

Also try SKYPE - it's great to feel connected to your bestie when they're away. Or maybe good long nighttime phone calls. Those can be great in terms of easing loneliness and building intimacy.

On the bright side, I'm sure the reunions are super fun, right? ;)

hope that helps! xoxo