I Know I Didn't Do the Right Thing, But...

DO NOT APOLOGIZE! You did nothing wrong. You gave him a few verbal warnings - he didn't listen to them so you stepped up the punishment when he almost broke your laptop. HE ALMOST BROKE YOUR LAPTOP. Most times when a laptop falls to the floor, it's expensive to fix. He needs to know his behavior was unacceptable and that when he doesn't listen to your verbal directions, a real punishment will follow.

Hopefully your younger son will start modeling your eldest - which seems to be a great, understanding and smart child.

12 moms found this helpful

Hi M.,
I don't think you need to apologize. I think spankings are ok when a child is doing something destructive or something that can hurt them or themselves. You're not beating them half to death you just gave a couple of whacks on the bottom. I do think that should be the end of it though. The spanking did what it was supposed to do by letting him know that what he did was no ok. He is remorseful so he should be able to go to the park. You are his mother and you have to look out for his best interest. He will think before destroying something else. Don't beat yourself up. He will be ok.

7 moms found this helpful

Absolutely apologize to him. Not only will it make you both feel better, it will model good behavior for him. If you are able to apologize, it will make him more able to apologize to others. That is a great skill that many people never learn. Everybody makes mistakes, but the people who apologize for their mistakes are the ones who are truly successful in their relationships.

I think it shows a great amount of respect to your kids. Not just the one who got spanked, but all of them. Again, you are modelling good behavior.

Don't make a huge deal out of it, but tell him your are sorry that you lost your temper and you'll try to do better next time. Then, give him a big hug and do something fun together.

http://keystosimpleliving.com/relationships_children.php

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You are a good Mom..Don't beat yourself up over it. Kids at that age can be very drama..He didn't listen and you used discipline to handle it. If you spanked on the bottom that would be appropriate to punish.. I know I go for the action and consequences first before I resort to spanking. You also apologized because you were angry and yes spanking should not be done out of anger but we all make mistakes..It is how we end up handling it. A five year old should know better and follow the rules. He didn't so there were consequences.

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if your philosophy is 'no spanking' and you did it from anger, then yes, an apology is in order. if your kids know that this type of disobedience will result in a spanking, you let him know he was headed there, and did so calmly, then no, you have nothing to apologize for.
but i'm wondering why he got spanked AND is losing privileges.
you need to pick your consequences for naughty behavior, make sure your kids know what they are, and stick with them. if they don't have firm boundaries and family rules, then they can't be expected to stick to them. so when they misbehave it's unfair to then throw ALL the punishments at 'em.
khairete
S.

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I think you will get a lot of responses to this, since it is in regards to spanking and there are alot of people for it and alot against it.

I would not apologize though. The punishment was given and I would follow thru with the rest of it with no park and no story time today. This evening I would talk again to him reminding him of "why" he had a punishment and that his behavior was unacceptable. Let him know that you do not enjoy giving punishments but you also do not enjoy the behavior he had given.

When my kids are coming out of time out or whatever punishment they had received I always ask them if they know what they were in trouble for. If they have no idea why they were in time out I feel like they are not learning from it. So, I always review why they were punished and have them tell me what the correct behavior should have been.

Good luck

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I would definitely apologize b/c of how you feel...you think you did something wrong. We are quick to make our children apologize for hitting or acting out, but it's a little tougher when we do something wrong to say those two little words. You'll feel better and so will he, plus it will show him we all have to apologize when we make mistakes...even mommy.

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It is possible that he could tell that you felt bad and was trying to play up on that.
It is also possible that he was angry for getting in trouble and trying to hurt you as much as you hurt him. 5 year olds are not stupid.
Now if you did in fact hit him in anger and did it too hard, then yes, I would say, "Mommy is sorry and I should have never spanked you like that. But you have to start listening to me when I tell you to do something."
But if you swatted his bottom one time because he disobeyed and knocked your computer on the floor, no, I do not think you need to apologize.
He has been punished, it clearly got to him, he will never do it again.

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I would have apologized as soon as I calmed down. I grew up in a house with a Dad that was physically abusive - not just spankings - and with a Mom that just stood back and let it happen. I swore I would never be like that with my own kids. However - we are human. Sometimes it's just too much - especially when repeated efforts to change behavior fail. I've spanked a few times - screamed and yelled a lot more - and always felt terrible. I apologize for being out of control - for hitting in anger - for yelling and being over the top. I NEVER apologize for the actual punishment (if that makes sense) but more the delivery of it. Good luck - and don't beat yourself up - sometimes these things happen - at least you realized it isn't how you want to parent and are moving in the right direction to show your children that adults AREN"T perfect and sometimes do things they regret. Think about it - if he had hit a friend or playmate you would have made him apologize - why is this any different?

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I think it all depends on how you spanked him. If you spanked him out of anger, you need to apologize. If you were level headed, explained to him why he was getting spanked, and meted out a set punishment, that's different. Spanking out of anger is no different than a beating and the child can tell that's what happening. I'm not saying that's what you did, just laying out what I think the line is.

3 moms found this helpful

Since this was a first time for you it does feel strange spanking. You did tell your son not to pull on the computer and he continued wanting his way for more cartoons/movie and not getting ready for bed. All was going orderly until the laptop fell on the floor which triggered your reaction.

Do not feel guilty and do not apologize. He has to learn that he does not get his way with what he wants when he wants. Let him know that you do love him dearly and that you did what you did out of love. As I always told mine that if I didn't love them I wouldn't care if they ran out in the street in front of a bus but since I do I will correct you.

You may want to think about other consequences so that you don't have to do it again but never take it out of the complete discipline package use it in extreme circumstances after time outs and things don't work.

Life is a learning experience for every phase of life. Motherhood is very challenging as there is no manual in how to bring up a child it is all on the job training with adjustments along the way.

You will be fine.

The other S.

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If you are not a "spanker", then you need to apologize for losing your temper and hitting him. You do not need to apologize for the punishment b/c he disobeyed you, but you should not have lost your temper that way.

For what it's worth, you also "triple punished" him which is a little over-the-top considering his age... spanking, no story and no park? Next time he is doing something that you know is going to result in something broken or someone hurt, STOP him from doing it. Tell him once, then take it away immediately if he doesn't stop. "Warning" a 5 yr old of "what might happen if..." is somewhat a lost effort. You may have more success with "Put the laptop down now, or no park tomorrow"- that's more "tangible" for him and has an impact!

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You hit him in anger and should apologize. When he hits his brother-do you make HIM apologize.

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Talk to him, just like you would talk to your hubby after a fight. Problem solving is more important skill and any problem or fight is only worth it if we can talk and learn from it.
"I" would tell him: I felt upset for what happen yesterday, I wish it didn't happen that way. Do you feel upset too? Do you understand why I react the way I did? I got really mad because you didn't listen and you could have broken the computer. What you think we should do so this doesn't happen again?.
Its a good time to talk about the feeling "frustation" because both of you felt that. Talk about what are better ways to react.
What is done is done and we can't bring the time back, we can only use it to make us better, and being a parent and a toddler is hard (yes, for both). Today is a new day, hug your son, hug your self and try to take the most out of what happen yesterday.
I would also give my older son a HUGE hug and tell him how proud I am of him, because I just can imagine how harder would have being last night if your older would haven't take it the situation as he did and that needs to be prize with words and hugs (and a extra long night story if possible).
You can add this to your "I thought I would never do that" list. If I showed you mine you would laugh!
Hope your kids and you have a better, easy, fun day today.

EDIT: I was thinking, only you and your kids know how things exactly happen, how hard did you hit him, how much of a tantrum he made, etc.
So if your guts are telling you that you should apologize then do it. Learning to accept our mistakes is another skill that we learn, I know some teens that have problems accepting any mistakes. Who would be great kids to their parents but would not accept any kid of mistake to others, as they take it as a sign of weakness. If this situations is something you think you can use to teach your kids about the fact that is of smart people to accept their mistakes then go, but of course only do it if you really feel you did something wrong that need to be an apology.
We all can take any experience, good or bad to learn.
So follow your guts.

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Apologizing is fine but make sure it's not an apology like " I am so sorry, I will never do that again, please forgive me". I personally think it should be more along the lines of "I didn't like spanking you and I hope I don't have to do that again".

It sounds like you both have learned something with this incident; he got his feelings hurt & didn't like your new course of action; and you found that you have a defiant son that needs another method of discipline. Hopefully this will be the last time BUT do not tell him it will never happen again otherwise that's like taking 2 steps backwards & you are 'ahead' right now.

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He was disobedient and that disobedience caused the laptop to get broken, I think you are fine. He followed you around because he could sense that you were feeling bad and unsure about if what just happened was Ok. Now if you feel you disciplined in anger, sure you can totally apologize for being overly angry. I have done that and then my little boy always says, "that's Ok mommy, I forgive you!" It's really cute :D I have no issues with spanking, so I don't think that was problem, but if you feel you reacted in anger, then yeah, apologize. But if you spanked him to show him the seriousness of disobeying you, then just be confident that the lesson was learned and definitely let go of any mommy guilt! It is good that they know there are boundaries they may not cross and that we are not their equals. Gives them a sense that all is well bc they line is clear, they can rest bc we are in control. If he does say anything else about it, you can say simply "Mommy spanked you bc you did not listen and were disobedient, but mommy loves you very much and I understand you are learning. Everything is Ok." Give a big hug and kiss and move on :) Good luck mama!!

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If spanking is out of the norm for you, then I would apologize for having let my anger get the better if me and spanking him. I would also reiterate that he still can't o to the park because he threw a tantrum an ddisobeyed me when I told him to go take a bath and again when I told him to stop pulling on the mouse.

There have been times when I punished my daughter for things I later found out she didn't do. I admitted to her that I had been wrong, and apologized for having punished her when she wasn't guilty.
There have also been times when, in the heat of anger, I imposed consequences that were excessive. When my head cleared, I told her that I felt that I had over-reacted, apologized for my reaction, and altered the consequences to something I felt was more suitable.
My ex saw this as a sign of weakness on my part - he felt that a parent should never apologize to a child, even if the parent was undeniably wrong. I felt that admitting to her when I had been wrong and making amends was modelng the way a person should behave when they've made a mistake in dealing with other people.

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I think you did the right thing. Spanking a child is something more parents should do.

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Yes, you should apologize to him. I assume you have taught him hands are not for hitting and how to say 'sorry' himself. Kids learn what we model. When you apologize AND tell him you will not hit him again he learns 1. that everyone makes mistakes (good lesson) 2. That hands are not for hitting (good lesson) and 3. That everyone says sorry when they are wrong (good lesson) instead of the other lesson kids learn from spanking - it's ok for big people to hit little people. And yes he would be focused on being hit not on the laptop being broken - the person he loves and trusted most just hurt him v. mommy's toy is on the floor.

Things I would try next time.
1. Giving him a 5 minute warning before the video is over so he is prepared for the bedtime transition (better still no videos before bed - there is some good evidence it impairs sleep)

2. Move the laptop and mouse out of his reach (and sight) so he cannot break them.

3. I would not take away the park. I do not see any relationship between breaking a computer and going to a park on a different day.

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Your are not a bad Mom because you spanked your child. Of course he would tell you it hurt------guilt factor.

Actually the apology and the chat was nice way to finish the evening.

Yet please know that you are not a bad mom because you spanked your child, many moms do so but hate to admit it to others.

M.,

You did not do anything wrong.

1st thing is to not punish your 6 year old. If your 5 year old cannot go to the park or play with the computer the following day, find someone to keep him at home or find someone to take your 6 year old to the park. Let the 6 year old play on the computer and make the 5 year old do something else in his room. Do not give them the same punishment if they were not both a part of it.

2nd thing is it is okay to apologize for getting upset/mad and doing something you regret. I have spanked in the past and I tell my daughter I am sorry if it hurt, but I did it for X reason (she ran into the street, she wouldn't stop doing something, wouldn't stay in time out, etc). I do not think it's okay to punish for hitting another kid or parent with spanking because that enforces hitting with hitting but I do believe there are times it's warranted. I understand he's hurt and upset, but I bet you he won't pull on that cord anymore.

Stand tall and proud and don't give in even if he apologizes more. If/when he does, then I would talk with him about what he's NOT going to do the next time you say it's time for bed or tv time is over. One additional thing (you may be doing this) is to give them a warning. One cartoon and then bed, or something like "this is your 10 minute warning." Then if they ask more more tv, more playtime, etc you can tell them no and that you already warned them.

When I do something I regret and recognize I shouldn't have done, I will usually sit my daughter down and say, Ok. Mommy lost her temper, and she is sorry about that (it's usually about shouting when I feel that my daughter is just pushing and pushing and pushing, and then I explode). I also explain that we all make mistakes - but we should try to help each other out. I explain to her why I was feeling so frustrated. We usually get to a place where we both apologize for our contribution to the situation. I think it's fine to tell your child that you're sorry and not to eat yourself up with guilt. Moms are human too!