I Just Need an Ear

I totally understand how you feel, I had a similar situation and still struggle with it a little from time to time. The best advice I can offer is to get some personal counseling, it really helps to have someone that you can talk to who has no personal bias and is primarily concerned with you and what you need.

It might also help to find qualities in your husband that remind you of this guy and realize that although you don't have a relationship with him the way you dreamed that you learned a lot from him and took those good qualities and found them in a good man that loves you and is the father of your children. That's what helps me the most when I'm thinking about the old friend anyway.

I sure hope this helps, and that you know you're not alone. We all wish that our husband was the man of our dreams but sometimes our dreams need to change a little too and then they are. That's what happened for me anyway, I wouldn't trade my husband now for anyone.

Good luck, and take care.

I think you are thinking and dreaming of him because you are still holding on the the fantasy of what could have been if you would have said something way back when. If you put your focus on your husband you will think of this other guy less. When you wake up in the morning, do something sweet for your husband. When you start thinking of the other guy, immediately switch your brain to thinking of your husband playing with your kids. When you look at your kids, think about what a wonderful life you have, and the great man who helped make those beautiful kids. Put all of your energy into your husband and kids and the dreams will eventually go away. It really isn't fair to your husband to put any of your thoughts, feelings, energy, etc. into thinking about another man. Imagine if he were thinking of another woman and felt he couldn't fully give his heart to you. I'm not saying you are a bad person, this really is normal. You just have to focus on what you have, appreciate the man you have, the children you have, and remind yourself how lucky you are to have a man that loves you and your kids, and works very hard to take care of you. Oh, and just before you go to sleep at night, imagine your husband's smile. Good luck!

To me it sounds like he was a great man. The great thing is that it seems as though even though he was not in the position to be the right one he showed you great characteristics that you looked for in the man that you wanted to marry. I would say that anytime that you think about him simply say a prayer of thanks that you met such a man that helped you to find the wonderful husband you have. I once had a friend say that we meet the wrong men so that we can meet the right one. Simply saying that you learn the characteristics that you want and don't want from them.

Your feelings for this other man helped shape who you are. You'll always care for him--he was important to your life. You've stopped "feeding" that relationship. You feed the relationship w/ your hubby - growing in love w/ him. Your love for your hubby will grow and grow til this other man seems terribly insignificant in your life.

It helps to realize that you're a different person than you were. Your love for this other man won't fade...it'll just be overshadowed by the love you feel for your hubby. It'll cease to matter.

>dreams
Your dreams are literally your brain organizing all the stresses of your day. The emotions of the dream are more important than the faces in them.

When I have a good dream about an old flame, I tell my hubby about the dream INSERTING MY HUBBY WHERE THE OLD FLAME WAS in the dream. I figure my brain just picked a face...and I put in the face I want it to be. Then you don't stress so much because you know you're dreaming about your hubby even if the face is wrong for a while. Then, since you're not stressing about it, the old-flame dreams don't happen so often.

It really is so easy to think about past loves and the "what if"s that are out there, but I agree with the other posts--you need to think about what is real in your life, rather than living in your past. There is no way to know how a relationship with the other man would have turned out; in your mind, it would have been wonderful, but that is because in fantasies, there are no fights, no financial troubles, no family pressures, no stresses. I think we all have someone from our past that we wonder about--I know I do--but it isn't healthy for you to live in the past. You need to be in the present, for your family, and the man you chose to marry. I know it can be hard to do that, especially when you have a dream about someone else...but dreams fade after a few days, and your husband will still be here for you.

I just read a great article about why we fantasize about or old boyfriends, it is because you liked your life at that time, it is an escape back to a place you were happy. That doesn't mean though that after all this time that things will go back to that way...most likely not.
People change, time passes and you have a loving husband, a good life so I would really just enjoy thinking of your old love but have the reality that he is not that same person either from high school.
I often think about my old h.s. boyfriend, I talked to him like seven years ago, looked him on on Classmates.com, just for fun. He was arrogant, power hungry and so materialistic, he had a wife and two kids but seemed so distant about them. He was all about how successful he was..it was sad as it wasn't that same fun loving, kind guy I dated way back when.
Just don't confuse your wanting to escape back to another time to true feelings.

Another side too, my ex and I had a lot of problems. His high school love found him on Classmates about the time the marriage was really going downhill. She had just left her hubby and then my ex moved back to his hometown to rekindle that love. He told me he always loved her and married me for the wrong reasons. Well, fast forward three years, he left two great kids, gave up his family only to have that relationship fall apart within six months. She realized he was still a jerk, missed her husband and went back to him. My ex is still 1,000 miles away and now on his millionth relationship since leaving his family! So it rarely turns out the way you dream it up in your head.
Don't sacrifice the life you have now for dreams....

I agree with what the other women have said. I'll just echo their message with an analogy my dad always uses. He says that everyone has "warts" - meaning flaws. Everyone hides their warts from the world. When we're in a long-term relationship with someone, we eventually see their warts. Sometimes we focus more on their warts than on their good qualities. During these times, it's easy to notice other men & they don't seem to have warts. Or we think back to old relationships & we either never saw their warts or we've forgotten they're there. But if you leave your current relationship & get into another, you will eventually see this new person's warts & be very disillusioned. You may even prefer the first person's warts to the new person's warts. All this means is that there is not a relationship out there without problems. The thoughts of the old boyfriend are natural (I've had the same issues) and totally understandable. Just make sure you keep them in the right context. What you miss is the possibility of him - not the reality. I agree with the others here that knowing where my old boyfriend is now makes me incredibly happy that I chose the life & marriage I have now. I would be incredibly unhappy now if I had married him. The things that were important to me in college are not the same as the things that are important to me now. I was too insecure & lost to know what would make me happy long-term. What I had with that boyfriend would have only brought short-term happiness and long-term misery. Just try to keep perspective. Focus on the things you love about your husband & you will be amazed at how much you grow to respect him & inspire good things in your relationship. I wish you the best!

My oldest daughter has a friend with benifits type of friend. They tried to be more than friends but it has never worked and they both came to the realization that as much as they care for eachother they are better as friends.

My youngest daughter really liked this guy alot and dated for a time and she thought he was the greatest but discovered that he could never be the true person she wanted him to be.

I guess what I am saying is that you might believe he is something he isn't and don't wreck your marriage over a dream that is not going to come true. I have dreamed of other men but My family is so very important. I really think about this guy I liked in college that never went anywhere, and always wonder what could have been. I have such a wonderful husband and family that my dreams have taken on different forms.

I don't know if this helped or was I just rambleing? I guess what I am saying IS COUNT ON THE SURE THING but it is fun to wonder what could have been.
C. B

I really feel you on this one. Have one of those ghosts too. This is what I go on to keep me happy when my thoughts stray to the past.

I have a successful and loving relationship with a wonderful husband and he's the best Dad! He provides quite well for our family. My life is secure, my children are happy.

I think about this then I look at my sister's lives. They are much older than me. One married her high school sweetheart, the other her college sweetheart. They have both been married for over 30 years and both of their marriages are currently ending in miserable divorces.

I know that divorce can happen at any age and at any time, but I know that my relationship with my husband is more secure than theirs for one simple fact. I didn't settle from the git-go. I explored life, loved and lost a few times. I travelled. Explored many career paths. I've already lived a pretty full life at 34 and have so much more to go. My sisters on the other hand have none of that. They don't know what to do with themselves. They've been lost since their kids started leaving home and now without their husbands they are not quite sure who they are and very insecure about amking it on their own

I could have settled for my ghost of the past. No one ever has brought the creativity and excitement out of me like he did. But I'm fortunate enough to have the insight of what happened with his life, wife and kids. My life would have never compared to what I have now. Who knows what your life would be like on a different path, we always dream it would be better, but for so many it is not.

Dreams are best left on our pillows. The waking hours should be enjoyed where we are and who we are with to the fullest!

Dear H R,
I am just trying to find the right words. I understand your feelings. I think you would be surprised to know that there are probably many of us who have gone through what you are experiencing. What has helped me has been realizing what is real and what isn't.

While we may imagine ourselves in a different relationship, what we have now is real and what we imagine is not. Sounds simple I know, but in reality every relationship goes through rough times and fluctuations of love. You could have easily ruined a marriage and found yourself in that other relationship, thinking of someone else and also feeling all kinds of terrible guilt. Thank goodness you chose the path you did, though also difficult at times.

We can find ourselves thinking about someone and placing ourselves with them, but it isn't what is real. Building your life with your husband and family is what will carry you through. But build you must, it isn't a free ride.

I found that prayer has helped me a lot. I mean meaningful prayer when I was dogged with thoughts that would just not leave me alone. I wanted to focus on my family and I finally was able to. You can do it. Now, after looking back, I have the best of relationships and I am so grateful that the reality we share is something to hold onto.

Your feelings for someone else is like a storybook fantasy that will always haunt you, unless you decide to close the book and write your own story, here, now with real characters, real events.

I have raised 2 daughters that are married and continue to raise 3 more beautiful daughters. My daughters have all been home schooled and I have observed that while they were interested in boys, they have never been "boy crazy". I just don't think it a natural behavior. Our society on the other hand has created a craze in our young and sometimes, very young girls to be "crazy" over the opposite sex. Has that drive fostered in magazines, on TV, not sometimes continued with us into our adulthood? I think we as women fantasize what could be or should have been if we do not keep a reality check on ourselves and consider where those messages are coming from.

Real marriages are built on friendship, trust, love and companionship. My daughters have received the truth about marriage and have not been influenced greatly by society's whims. I wish I would have had that advantage in my youth. It wouldn't have taken me so long to "settle into" my marriage.

I hope these words are helpful.
With much compassion,
H. B.