I Guess I Just Need to Vent... (About My Husband)

Um... you knew all of this when you married him, right? Sorry, but people don't change unless they have to. You "assumed" that the roles would change when you purchased a home and starting brining-in an income, but did you actually discuss this?

To him, you agreed to be the "homemaker" and take care of all things "house-and-home" while he worked outside of the home. This was fine with you until the circumstances changed, I think. So now that the circumstances are different, it's time to chat about "who-does-what".

You aren't going to get him to change light fixtures if he's not interested, but if he's "nerdy"- let him take over the finances. Encourage him to develop a spreadsheet and some kind of online bill payment system.

Don't whine to him b/c I promise you he will stop listening. Find a quiet time and simply state that you feel that working nights and babysitting is a worthwhile source of income for your family, but that you cannot continue those activities unless he agrees to take-on some household chores. Ask him specifically to take over 2 or 3 tasks... take out the garbage, clear the table and load the dishwasher, manage finances.

Help him "learn" how to do these things with reminders and encouragement, but not "nagging". My husband used to make me crazy during the summers b/c he felt that having summers "off" meant that I could take on ALL of the household chores (including all errands) while taking care of our new baby. Oh... and sex at night. Um... no. We had a long conversation about what I could realistically handle. He made a comment about "Do you think I expect too much from you" and I responded with a simple, but direct, "yes".

Talk to him about it. People can't read minds and men don't pick-up on hints. If you want something to change, change the way you approach him. I have a friend who made a "chore chart" for her husband. Each time he did something around the house, he got a sticker... he got to choose his reward (use your imagination). It worked like a charm!

Why don't' you two sit down together and talk about this. Let him know that you are overwhelmed and need his help. We always raked leaves together when my husband was home from work- it was actually fun. I love working by my husband- no matter what it is. Now we only have 2 tiny trees- no leaves to rake. But, if he is mowing the lawn, the kids and I pick up the yard. He will help me with the dishes if I ask(usually I have my kids do the dishes). I also learned a lot of "how to" from my dad- he didn't and for a long time he was too intimidated to even try- leaving me to figure it out. But, after fixing some stuff together, he has figured out it's not that hard and he can do it. Last month our water heater went out- we did not have the $300 to replace it, so he got on line and figured out how to fix it! It works better now then it did before it went out! But when he starts fixing stuff, don't' get mad if it takes longer and doesn't' turn out exactly right- he's new at this stuff. I think once your hubby figures out he can do stuff around the house, he will really enjoy it. Just ask him to help you figure out how to fix the drain next time, instead of doing it by yourself.
I have also found that just saying to my hubby "I need help around the house" doesn't' cut it. He needs to be told exactly what I expect- and not told like you are the mom and he is the child. Just try a " Hey honey, could you take out the trash for me this morning before the trash man comes?" instead of "you forgot to take out the trash again- are you ever going to do it?" Sometimes just a change in wording works wonders.
I am not saying you don't have anything to complain about- you do. Your husband does need to step up and start helping out- but sometimes if you change your tactic, you will get better results! It worked for me!
Good luck!
~C.

You could nicely say that you feel overwhelmed, there's so much to do. Does he feel like that too? And then say "maybe we should list all the things we each do and see if we can manage it better." Then make your list - even if he doesn't - and seeing all you do in writing may wake him up some. My husband and I share finances in a sense but I actually pay for way more monthly than he does. It doesn't really matter but when he complains about paying the property taxes like he bears so much of the load, it bugs me. So I listed once what we each pay for and that shut him up a bit. Now, if it comes up again I ask him if he wants me to get the list out again... I do think it's hard to change basic nature though. My mom never stops working around the house while my dad can sit and sit. It's driven her crazy for almost 50 years. My husband is super handy so I love that but he can also be lazy. What helps me some is to take ownership for what I do in the sense that no one makes me keep our house so neat. That's my choice so if I have to do most of it, it's my decision. It's his right to not care. Obviously some things have to be done so maybe you could say you're hiring someone to do the lawn, fix electrical stuff etc. If you can afford it, then do it and take a load off yourself. If you can't, maybe that'll motivate him.

I started to write a response about how my husband is the same way, but realized it was becoming a vent that I needed, so I will post it later today when it is finished. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone!

i would set him down and go over what you expect of him and what he expects of you...my husband stays home due to economy (not by choice) and will only make me help if i WANT to besides picking up after myself

aparently you two are on two different pages..probably need to set down and sort that out together...

It is unfortunate that you have different expectations than your husband but as you said, you knew you didn't marry your dad. Maybe if he got a "little lovin" he would be more willing to help out. This could bring you two closer together on all levels. Intimacy shouldn't be used as a tool.

Lots of men don't get it(pun intended:-)).

I admire how you know how to do things. I would love to be feel confident about wiring and plumbing. I am impressed with your skills. Plus, you save yourselves so much money.