I Go Thru His Phone...

they have a child together.
i'd just be glad they're civil, and that i wasn't having to cope with viciousness, meltdowns and arguments.
if there's no worry about romantic feelings on his part, why stress over this? i mean, it was a plate of food. not her tits.
khairete
S.

Personally I think that if he has a child with his ex then he should be friends with his ex. I wouldn't want to be with a man who couldn't put forth the effort to have a friendly relationship with the mother of his child.

She's out of line, but if he isn't reciprcating, thenyou have nothing to worry about other than being annoyed. He can't stop her from calling, he can't stop her from texting. He CAN let her calls go to voice mail, and not respond to texts unless they directly involve their child.

I'm sorry, but I'm going to answer this honestly.
This sounds petty aand trivial and jealous to me.
I never "go thru" my husbands phone. He doesn't go thru mine.
But you found what you were looking for, right? Something to ruin your day.
Free Tip: Don't look thru his phone anymore.

His daughters mother is going to be around for a LONG time.
Stop looking for trouble, or you'll create some.

I can't remember if I suggested therapy the last time I answered one of your insecure questions but if I didn't, might I suggest therapy. You are giving her power that you don't need to. More than that your insecurity is going to ruin your marriage.
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I want to add my ex calls and texts about stupid stuff. The guy is lonely and as sad as this is, I am one of the few people that will answer my phone when he calls, so he calls. My husband knows I have no feelings, beyond annoyance, towards the man. I am using the term man loosely.

Looking through your past questions this is your 2 or 3 marriage/relationship in as many years(there is a chance I read it wrong). You have some issues, the guys you meet have issues. You like drama, they give you drama.
Do you look through his phone because you want to, need to or have to??? Answer that and you may figure some stuff out.
Keep in mind, if you dig enough…. you'll find something. Best of luck

If you trust your husband I would just stop looking at his phone. Let him deal with her. If you don't see her messages and photos then they won't bother you.
The fact that she's calling/texting him at all hours is only a problem if he is taking and responding to all of these calls and texts during that time. If he lets the calls go to voice mail and doesn't respond right away unless it's an emergency she'll eventually get the hint.
Sounds like she's having a hard time getting over him, did he leave her for you? She may not respect you if she sees you as a home wrecker (I'm not saying you are I'm just asking!)

Please seek therapy. This is your problem alone. You knew it was to be a blended family. You need to grow up here. His ex isn't doing anything wrong. She should have a friendship with the father of their child. If you cannot handle her existence, you can either get a divorce or go to therapy.

But to answer your second to the last question, it is her concern because they share a child! She is asking about her daughter's sister. Read that again: her daughter's sister. She has a relation here, and a legitimate concern. This is what a blended family looks like.

Does he know you snoop on him and go through his phone?

If you are not careful you may be the next ex wife due to your insecurities.

Just because he is divorced from her dies not mean all ties are cut because....... they have a child together and they are bound together due to this child.

Wouldn't you appreciate that they are on terms where they can chat and discuss their child vs 2 people fighting like cats and dogs around and about their child?

Look at this from another perspective. You come across as someone very insecure and jealous. Stop snooping on him. Why did you marry him? Don't you trust him?

I've been married almost 25 yrs and if I found out my hubby was snooping on me there would be some major trouble in our relationship.

COMMUNICATE

I'm the stepmom in a blended family and I think what she's doing is weird, but nothing to get upset over.

I find it strange, so I see your point. My husband and his ex are on VERY good terms. So much so that we all do things together for his daughter, his ex, her boyfriend and their kids and me, my husband and her daughter. They even come to family celebrations. They are very cordial and are always working things out.

However, they don't speak unless they are discussing their daughter. I talk to his ex more than he does! We chat about lots of things. He'll be nice and she'll be nice and they ask how things are going, etc. Once in a while when they are talking about their daughter something else might come up and they'll chat.

She does text us pictures, but not of food or stuff like that. They're pictures of his daughter that he might be interested in.

So, I can see your point on it being weird. It is. But at least she's not sexting or anything.

Most likely your husband doesn't want to "rock the boat" because that does become difficult for all parties involved.

My advice is to ignore the pictures as I'm sure your husband is doing. Saying something about them will just stir up dirt so it's best to ignore. You don't want things to become difficult.

Your husband needs to draw the line. Calling at inappropriate times--he should just not answer the phone. There are easy ways to draw the line without stirring up trouble. Your husband needs to do that.

Unfortunately there isn't anything YOU can do. Just be tolerant and know that your husband loves YOU, his ex is an ex for a reason, and he probably doesn't know what to do about it all so in typical husband fashion he's just ignoring it or playing along. Ack. MEN!

I have an ex and my husband has an ex and we both have kids with them. So I am speaking from a blended family also. My point is WHY would your husband WANT to talk to her about anything other than their kid? And even then, just the basics. Like I don't care what my kids dresser looks like at their dads house. He doesn't need to text me a pic of it, or our dog in a tu-tu. That was my OLD life and I don't need to be reminded of any of it, nor do I care.

My ex and I are on "friendly" terms. So is his wife and I. However, we don't chat about things that do not directly have to do with our kids. I don't care about anything else and don't want to waste my time or brain cells on it.

So technically, I get what YOU are saying and WHY it would bother you. I also get what others are saying, if you give it attention and they know its an issue, it will continue because of the reaction you are giving it. I don't think it has to be a jealousy issue, I see it as personally I want as LITTLE communication with my ex as possible, even tho we have a decent relationship.

Unless it's a pic of food saying "I want to lick this off you..." then I would let it all go. If you truly don't like drama, then pick your battles, a yummy food pic isn't something to freak out about. And Jim is right, you snoop and you may eventually find something you REALLY don't want to find. Good luck.

He will always be involved in her life because they have a child together. The better they can get along the better it is for the child. Unless she is sending nude pictures I would back off. If he has an issue with her he will deal with it, it really is not your place.

Maybe the conversation about the food was that perhaps her daughter might like it. I don't see anything wrong with it.

I am close friends with my ex and his wife. I have stayed at their house when I was visiting their town.

Either your husband loves you or he doesn't. BUT nothing is more unattractive than a jealous woman who has no grounds what so ever to be that way.

Perhaps talking to someone could help you to work through your insecurity issues before it gets out of hand and he starts getting tired of the insecurity.

Can you explain why you go thru his phone?

I don't go through my husband's phone. He doesn't "go through" mine. He might use it on the rare occasion that it is more handy than his, or I have the picture on mine that he wants to send. But, other than that sort of thing... I don't mess with his phone. I may plug it in to charge for him, but I don't go through it, I just plug it in.

So... why do you do that? If you have a justifiable reason to do so, then THAT (the reason you are justified in doing it) is what you should be focused on, not the ex wife's text messages. And if you don't, then maybe you should just stop. What purpose is it serving, other than to get your dander up?

My husband's ex likes to stay involved, too, under the guise of "for our son". She's full of it. I don't try to control her. I make sure that he and I are on the same page, and I let her know that when she talks to him, she talks to me, meaning that there is no privacy between them. I'm not ugly to her, just present. I also give them space to co-parent, meaning that I do not plop by butt down in the middle of whatever decisions they are making. I'm aware and present, but it's not about me. As much as I do not get joy from her presence, I still respect her role and their relationship. It might take time for you to get there, though, because each of you is being territorial. It can take time for you to figure out your roles and rhythms and settle into them. Its easy to think that all they have to do is love us "enough" for it all to just fall into place.

I don't know how long you guys have been married. If it hasn't been too long (and/or if you don't have a child together), then it will likely die down with time and consistency on your husband's part. Or when you do have a child. Sometimes the ex likes to challenge the new wife by overstating her role in his life. (In my case, she let me know that I was only a girlfriend...then, not the original "Mrs. LastName". Once we had our son, she made sure to note and clarify that hers came first.) As long as you and your husband are good, don't worry about her. In fact, laugh at her. If she gets really bad and your husband doesn't see it (because, let's face it, men don't pick up on the stuff that we do to each other), then you should feel free to talk to her yourself. Don't come from a place of insecurity.

Communicate with your husband. Be open with him, so he knows how this makes you feel, and listen to him when he expresses himself in this. It's certainly not a comfortable position for him. He knows that he can only control himself, and his boundaries for her are gonna be a little closer than yours because he knows her and has a big history with her. He's familiar with her. He feels that addressing your complaints with her would be nitpicking and maybe even picking a fight. His solution is to ignore her. Sometimes it's okay to defer to him. You don't always have to stand defiantly at the flag that you've already planted, especially if you are the only one in the fight. (It might be nice if, when he does reply to her, he says something like, "Wife and I think that's great.") I'm seeing this from two different places--a new second wife and a somewhat seasoned second wife. A counselor might be able to walk you through the process of adjusting. It feels like intimacy is being maintained between them before you've fully carved out your place in his heart, keeping you at a disadvantage. I get it. Hopefully, your focuse on your marriage will phase her out.

Yeah, I think you have issues.

This is not the first time you've asked a question exactly like this. You need counseling.
You are wrong going through his phone. If you don't trust him you need to figure out why. Has he ever physically done anything beyond being a friend with this women since being with you to actually warrant this or are you just this insecure?
I don't see anything inappropriate going on with what you have posted.
I am friends with some of my ex's. My husband knows I am and is even friends with them as well. I've been married for 18 years, together for 21. This is a non-issue. I am with the one I love and want to be with. The others are friends. It can happen. It is innocent.
Find a way to work through your trust issues.

You have to trust in your husband and his love for you. It does sound like a bit much, but I wouldn't worry about it. I really think it's good for their child for them to get along as friends. Keeps the implications of being a child of divorce to a minimum.

As for her texting/calling at all hours, cell phones can be turned off or simply not answered. If your hubby chooses to answer, you need to talk to HIM about that, not her. It's a free country and as long as there are no restraining orders, she can call/text any time she wants.

Huh? Who says you can't stay friends w/ exes? Gee, I don't have one but I'd much rather that scenario than a War of the Roses one. I think you are going to have to let this one go. The only thing that I would not like is the late-night stuff. But I wouldn't care for that coming from a male or a female. Night time is family time. At any rate, like some of the other moms have said below, you could have it much, much worse. And so could your husband!

T.:

Would you rather him send him texts that tell him he sucks as a dad. she's going to call the police and report him for lewd behavior?

They have a child together. Sorry - but in my book - I'd MUCH rather them be FRIENDLY with each other and not hating each other.

Okay - so the picture of food is ODD. But it's not boobs or her nether regions...so what? So did he say "I'll be right over"? No. He didn't.

You are freaking out. And it might end up biting you in the rear end if you don't calm down.

You've had a talk with her about boundaries. You need to talk with her again about boundaries. However, you need to have your husband ON THE SAME PAGE with you!! Sorry - but no calls UNLESS IT'S AN EMERGENCY - after 9PM and before 0900. I would be pissed about texts after 9PM.

Even for your step-daughter, you should have a CORDIAL (not best buddy) but CORDIAL relationship, NOT hostile. You do NOT want the daughter to have to pick and choose, right?

Why is she doing research for him? Did he ask her to? That would bug me and necessitate a talk with my husband and then with her WITH my husband present so there isn't a "she said - he said"...

I guess the better question is - were you the other W.? Did you meet and have an affair with him while he was married to her? Did he divorce her to marry you? The way I understand it - you are his THIRD wife?

Bottom line - I would prefer my husband to be FRIENDLY with his ex - not fighting. However, I would EXPECT boundaries to be respected and my husband to be on the same page as me and tell his ex-wife to chill with the research and texts...

I would absolutely feel like you do. I'd have a problem with it if my husband's ex-wife were sending him "conversational" texts. They aren't supposed to be "friends." They can be polite, but no, not friends. You don't stay friends with exes. You're exes for a reason and that reason usually isn't something that makes you stay friends...or you'd still be together.

-There might not be "romantic feelings" on his side, but who knows what she feels from her side.

-It's best to place boundaries and a hedge of protection to ensure that there is no opportunity for any romantic feelings to seep in. It's not about THEIR relationship...it's about protecting your marriage. Your husband needs to understand that and respect that. Your marriage is more important than some pseudo-friendship with his ex. Period. Your husband needs to put his foot down. You shouldn't have to.

-Calling and texting at anytime of the day or night, when it's not an emergency, is reserved for WIVES and the closest family/friends. Not exes. It is disrespectful of the marriage. SHE is disrespecting your marriage. This must stop.

-YOU are the researcher and favor-doer for your husband. 1. She shouldn't even know about the things he's researching/doing, 2. You are the go-to as his wife, not her. Get angry and be jealous. That's your place and your husband needs to know it.

-She has no business knowing anything about his life that isn't in the custody agreement. His oldest daughter isn't her concern.

You need to have a serious talk with your husband and lay down your expectations. As the wife, you shouldn't have to be jealous or upset about his interactions with another woman, and he shouldn't be encouraging them. He honestly sounds like he's afraid to piss her off and wants to please everyone.

Honestly, none of this really crosses a line.

What I can see being bothered by is not so much the content of any of the texts (which honestly sounds harmless), but the sheer number of texts.

However, some people are just sharers/communicators. They post their breakfast on FB. They send out 50 tweets a day about their workday, their workout, the dream their uncle's dog had last Thursday -- whatever. If your husband's ex is this type of person, that has nothing to do with him, and definitely nothing to do with you, it's her.

The most mature, constructive course of action would probably be to sit down with your husband and say, "Maybe it's just me, maybe it's not, but I can't help it: all these texts bother me." Then, decide WITH him -- not FOR him, WITH him -- what is and isn't reasonable. He's going to need to be involved in setting some boundaries, so he needs to be involved in the decision-making process.

IMHO the more of a fuss you make over it the bigger a deal it becomes.

My ex was re-married and his wife had moments that were inexplicable to me as to when I was crossing some boundary line (that I went out of my way not to cross). The bottom line is my ex and I had been married and had a child together. Thus we had history. She married him knowing that. I always thought it was strange and reflected poorly on their relationship (which has since ended).

I agree with you that she should not be texting late at night, photos of food, etc. But by saying or doing anything about it you will give her power and she might keep right on doing it for that reason alone.

Unless you have reason not to, have faith in your husband and deal from a position of strength. Don't show her any chinks in your armor.

JMO.

Even after the update in the SWH, I still don't understand the problem. This woman is not The Other Woman or some interloper. She has every right to be involved in your husband's life. They were friends before, and their friendship hasn't changed. If you don't see her as a threat and he's not involving her in your marriage I don't really understand what the problem is. She's a permanent fixture in his life WHETHER OR NOT they have a child... and I think maybe that's the real issue for you. You don't get to tell your husband who he can be friends with.

Would you behave like this if she were a man? Or his sister?

Again, if it's a matter of it just an intrusion on your time together then it's up to your husband to establish some boundaries. That makes it a husband issue and not a baby-mamma issue.

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I don't understand what your problem with your husband's baby-mamma is. So what if he's friends and friendly with his baby-mamma that he was apparently not romantically involved with and simply made a baby with? That's supposed to be a good thing as long as they're not romantically involved. She doesn't sound at all as if she's overstepping ANY boundaries.

The way he behaves with his current former wife is how he'll behave towards you after the two of you divorce and share custody. He sounds like a great father and treats women very well. You're lucky to have him. Please be more grateful.

If the calling/texting bothers you, then your husband could certainly turn the phone off or not answer every single time she calls but if he ignores it too often and it turns out to be about one of the children and is important or serious do you really want him to blame you? Do you want him to resent you for causing a bad relationship with the other mother of his children?

The only person you can control is you. This man has choosen you and continues to choose you. If he doesn't see the need to put the "EX" in her place neither should you. It's just bad form and you come out looking like the crazy one.

While it may irritate and irk you that she isn't listenting to your wishes yyour relationship isn't with her but with him. It is his role to squash it or not. It is you job to deal with it or not. hard as that may be to hear and even harder to do.

If you don't want to feel upset about her please stop invading his privacy and going through his phone. Keep looking for trouble and you will get it.

Please get yourself some counciling and//or a hobby. Your mind is too focused with something you can't control which is his "EX". So how are you going to move forward with your relationship with you husband who won't let his "EX" know what bothers you so she won't do what bothers you.

Long story short make nice for the sake of the kids. Make peace for the sake of your own mind. And let this go, if you trust him let this go because going down this path will only lead to divorce for you. Men essentially don't like the drama and go down the path of least resistance and the softest place to land. You need to be his soft place. Your relationship is with him NOT HER. Please let it go. if you trust him.

I would not be okay with it. My husband's first ex-wife was sending him Good Morning texts and occassionally a head shot. I told him to tell her to stop, he said they were just friends, so I told her. She apologized and has not contacted him since. I trust that. They do not have kids together (but lost two babies at 24 and 26 weeks).

Me digging into his phone caused problems in our marriage, not because he was doing anything wrong, but because I was looking for it and when looking, I could turn something completely innocent into the worst thing in the world.

So while I agree it is inappropriate, and the fact you have asked him to tell her to stop and he hasn't would absolutely piss me off, you're going to find something by looking. You'll turn that "yummy" food picture into something it isn't. It's a picture of food she liked. Not her saying "I want to eat this off of your hot body."

Talk to him again, tell him your feelings, and explain why it bothers you - I feel that works best when talking to my husband and getting him to understand why something obviously innocent is not okay in my book and how it makes me feel. He normally gets my point then and things change.

This woman is going to always be in your lives since she is the mother of his daughter. It will not change unless the 2 of them want this to change.

It is good that they can speak with each other. It is also good they get along. This is a gift to their daughter. They will always love her and she will always love them.

You say -
"Ex thinks this kind of communication is okay; My husband knows I don't like it, but he doesn't stop her- which make me feel like he is allowing her to be disrespectful to me by having contact regarding things other than their daughter... "

YOU are the one not comfortable.

So you have told him this, but he continues. This says he hears you, but he either does not think it is a big deal or he does not think this falls into what you are talking about. Or he knows it is all innocent and you really have nothing to worry about.

Men do not understand hints, pouts or suggestions. It has to be direct and simple.

Example - "I do not want you to have any conversations or communications with your ex about anything except your daughter. EVER."

"I do not want it on the phone, through the mail or in person unless it is about the daughter and her care, her school, or her safety."

" I want to present or in the room when the two of you speak about anything. "

So, IF you really want to make him do as you say instead of what you feel like you need. You will need to be very specific. Maybe throw a big fit and threaten a reaction. Like leaving him, not speaking to him.. whatever.. Then you need to come to peace with this,

Or you can find peace in yourself, or you can search for help with a professional. Marriage counseling would work magic with the two of you.

Men like women that are secure. That are not needy and that are easy to communicate with.. They run from clingy, insecure needy women..

So figure out what exactly you need and want and just tell him in a confident way, Do it with the guidance of a counselor so you can make sure he really understands.

"-His Ex and I have talked before about her crossing boundaries, and I let her know I really didn't appreciate or think it was appropriate to communicate beyond things concerning their daughter...she agreed she wouldn't - that was last year. " you showed/told her what your Achilles heel is-play along-she'll be totally unglued! Start calling, texting, swapping recipes, etc-she'll lose it.