I Feel like My 12 Month Old Doesn't like Me

Hi, M. --

I bet I am one of the few people who can say that I know exactly where you're coming from with this! My experience with my daughter was so different from anything anyone described to me before I had her that I felt for a LONG time that there was something wrong with me. I felt rejected, demoralized, and inept, not to mention helpless. I'd never met with that kind of social failure, especially in a situation where I was giving 100% of myself, every single day. None of that is good.

My daughter is incredibly independent and has always been. She's a goer and a doer, and until she could walk and communicate, she was extremely frustrated and angry, short-fused and inconsollabe. She didn't want to be comforted and could NOT be comforted by me. She didn't want to cuddle or be held close or have her hands touched or manipulated in any way. She didn't want me to sing to her or to read to her... She was even aggravated by breastfeeding. I could go on and on.

I had MASSIVE bouts of self-doubt and sadness because of this. But, once I'd get it out, I'd rebound from it and go on to have renewed hope that it would one day resolve. I just continued to try to understand the child she is and to give her love and to BE MYSELF. I have good friends and lots of very loving, wonderful relationships, so, deep down, I could always remind myself that "it's not ME!"

Anyway, as my daughter grew older and started to be more aware and intrigued by the stuff of life, she began to incorporate me more into her life and into her needs. I would still say that she's not needy of me -- she's still a firebrand and definitely has an explorer's spirit -- but she definitely loves me and loves to be involved with me. I know that I am now hugely significant to her, and I know she now graps what I have to contribute to her. So, every day, our relationship is better than the day before -- and it's a wonderful, special, NORMAL Mommy-daughter relationship, on steriods ;)! I am 100% fulfilled as a Mom, vs. feeling the 2,000% deficit I used to feel.

My challenge now is to try to clear out all the hard emotions that characterized our first years together so that they don't haunt me. Every day, I remind myself that this is now and it's not just a dream, though it sometimes feels like a beautiful dream, especially compared to how things started for us.

I had never felt so rejected or despairing as I did with her as a baby and toddler. But, when it all comes down to it, she's a little person, and she's not my clone. Some little people have to have time and love and growth to be able to embrace their parents or siblings or other people who love them. That's just the fact, though I have no idea why it is, and it's extremely hard.

Please keep hoping. You have to bear in mind that it's your attitude and your own belief in your self, your worth, and your value of what you will bring to your daughter's life that is not only going to help you get through this but that is going to influence every single interaction you have with her. Do your BEST, but do NOT get sucked into trying to vie for her attention or buy her attention. That will lead you down a terrible road from which you can never return.

She needs to learn about the person you are -- a confident person who has much to offer and feels her own worth. THAT will draw her to you. Love her, but don't let your need for her affirmation bring you down. It is INCREDIBLY HARD to do this -- I KNOW. It's something that takes a huge amount of intention and determination, and I think it's very important to recognize it.

You're absolutely right and entitled to feel as you do! But, look at those parents who are indulgent as a way to "get" their children to love them, and you will see a destructive relationship in the making. I've seen it so many times, and that is what convinced me to NOT let that happen to me, though the pressure to fold was very strong.

You are still you. You are a wonderful person. You be YOU and let her come to you when she's ready. That will make you and your daughter's relationship healthy and strong. Love her, but love yourself, too, and hold on to your identity. You're going to need it, and so will she!

My very best,
H.

Step back from your emotions and look at this situation logically. When your son was a baby, was the majority of his time spent with you? Did you stay home with him? Because if so, then if you think back, you'll remember that you and he had a special bond, just like the one that your daughter currently has with your husband. She's barely a toddler, still a baby in many ways, and your husband is safety to her. He's her primary caregiver right now. It may have only been 5 weeks, but kids that young only know what happens daily, so for now, he's her world. That doesn't mean she doesn't "like" you, it just means that she's "used to" going to daddy right now for her needs. She won't even remember these days when she's older, and she's only 1, so try not to start analyzing her actions. Think about those husbands who work and wives stay at home all throughout their children's childhood, and how they must feel, never being the one their kids want to go to because the kids are used to always going to mommy. I know my husband has always noticed it, but he understands, it's just natural for kids to be closer to the person they're around the most. Don't take it personally. Once she's a little older, like maybe 2-3, she'll probably come screaming to you when you walk in the door out of sheer excitement that "mommy's home". My kids do that to my husband, and he LOVES it!!! It's just her age, and the situation, nothing else.

I understand how you feel. Is your husband there with her all day? My husband and I both work full time. I tend to be with my daughter more than he is. He plays with her alot while I am working. When we are together she wants nothing to do with him and he gets his feelings hurt. What I told him to do is play with her on the floor while I am here and she will want to be with him more. This seems to work pretty well. Also in the morning do you get her out of bed? My daughter will not let him get her from bed in the morning. To sum it up. Spend as much time with her as you can and do not give up. Watch out she will probley turn into a mommies girl before you know it.

Your baby loves you very much. It is a phase that they go through and they may want one person more than the other. For instance my youngest boy is a big daddy's boy. Any time something happens he doesn't want me he wants daddy but then a few weeks later he may not want daddy and want me. Kids are crazy like that. Also, she is getting used to you being gone and daddy being home so when something happens it is daddy that is there to fix the problem so she will go to him first. Don't worry any it has nothing to do with her not loving you.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7 and 4.

You know what's funny? I stay at home with my daughter and I feel the same way! If I leave, she doesn't seem to notice or care that I am gone. I like to think that it's because she knows mommy will always come back. In your case, she probably wants daddy because he's home with her all the time. Have daddy tell her "it's ok baby, go to mommy. she'll take care of you." then have him leave the room. I did that with my daughter and my husband. My husband works outside the home 6 days a week, so I had to help foster that relationship. I'm sure that your daughter loves you very much, she just wants the familiar when she's ill. Keep loving and snuggling her, eventually she'll just want mommy.

I'm sure she loves you! I think you could try reserving some special time for her. My husband works full time and our 12 1/2 month old daughter greatly prefers me because I'm with her every day, but my husband gets up with her in the morning and feeds her breakfast. He also gives her all her baths, which she loves. I also make a big fuss when he comes home, this gets her more excited too. He doesn't take her preferences personally and I know things will even out.

It's just a phase that most kids go through. They go through cycles where for a few weeks all they want is mommy, then for a few weeks all they want is daddy, then a brother/sister or back to mommy or whatever. It's usually the primary caregiver who gets the first attachment like that... in this case that's your husband because he's been home. In a few months your baby will go through a cycle where all she wants is you and you'll be wishing she'd go to daddy for minute! :-)

It can be tough but try to look on the bright side. First, it'll pass. Second, it has nothing to do with her not liking or loving you. Third, you have some extra free time in the evening after work to do something for yourself (like a hobby) while daddy puts the baby to bed! :-)

All my kids did this. Just last night my 9 month old was crying hysterically when I was trying to put her to bed. Daddy walked in and she was all grins - until he left the room. She didn't even want to nurse. She just wanted daddy to hold her, sing to her and put her bed. I didn't really mind... I finished bedtime reading with the other two and then had some free time for myself!

Your daughter loves you, don't doubt it for a minute. She is aware of your desire to cuddle her and hold her, she is getting to you by wanting someone else. Watched my younger brother work this one on my dad's mom for years. The harder she tried, the more she did for him the more he went to others and ignored her.
Try acting like it just doesn't matter. Tell her hello when you get home and then go away from her to do other things.
A lot of little girls "love" daddy best. That really isn't that abnormal, don't let it get you down.
P. R

I think you are experiencing what a lot of dads experience, except it's affecting you more because you are the mother. Both of mine favored me much more than my husband (who works full time) for quite a while, but they are 21 months old now and they run to daddy when he gets home. I think those days will be coming for you soon (although I realize probably not soon enough, huh?). Just keep making the effort to love and play with your baby and she'll show her affection soon.

You are going through what most dads go through :( You aren't being silly and your husband is being a bit insensitive. Try doing something with just her one night a week or on the weekends.

She's only 12 months and realistically your daughter does interact with your husband more so might prefer him just out of habit.
Of course she loves you. She's just little and might be more comfortable with what's familiar. I would simply suggest, if possible, spending time with her without others around to distract her.
I, myself, am very busy and some weeks see my son less than my husband does and at times my son does prefer my husband. So I do understand where you're coming from and know it's hard.
Good luck.

My son and daughter flip flop their attention every couple of months. For the past couple of months my son won't let my husband get him out of the car or even change his diaper (lucky husband!) And yes, sometimes it has to do with who is around more. Give it time, she will come back to you and you won't be able to go to the bathroom without her hanging on your leg. LOL.

C.

Oh I know how you feel. I stay at home with our son and he bounces off the walls when Dad comes home. However he seems to have "Daddy Days" and "Mommy Days" when he wants one over the other and it seems to switch back and forth.

Try not to stress too much, she will come back to you and enjoy the time as best you can. You know it won't last long!

In your situation I would say your baby is becoming close to who ever spends the most time with her. You can show her more effection by spending more time with her. She may not be used to seeing you around the house since you work full time but if you keep up with it she will come around. She is only an infant. Most children that age really do not know what it means to show love. I would not feel bad. I would just make an effort to do all that you can with her. Do you know things that she likes to do? You can spend time with her doing those things. Become real excited about the time that you spend with her if she sees you upset then she will be upset. If she gets upset just smile at her and love her for who she is. It will help her in the long run to bond with you. I would try that. You can also talk to your husband. Does your husband show you affection in front of your daughter? If she sees your husband hugging and kissing you then she will want to hug and kiss you too. We can also pray about the situation.

Jesus I pray Lord for M. that you would give her wisdom to know what to do in this situation. I pray that she will not give up. I pray that M.'s love for her daughter will be shown to her daughter. I pray that her husband will have an understanding heart. I pray that her husband will show her the things that her daughter likes. I pray that her husband will show their daughter that it is important to show mommy love too. IN Jesus name I pray AMen.