60 answers

Boyfriend Doesn't Want to Be Called "Daddy"

I have been in a relationship for 9 months now and dearly love this great guy. He is very good with my 5 yo daughter, although his patience is sometimes short. He has 2 children of his own, ages 13 & 15, so he's out of practice with younger ones. The problem is that my daughter has never known her biological father and she thinks that her mommy is going to get married one day and then she'll have a daddy. I have spoken to me boyfriend about this and he does not want her to call him daddy b/c he's not. He says that he did not give her life & therefore, cannot be her father. I tried to explain that he would be the only father figure she would ever know and that all she cares about is that she has a daddy, blood or not. She is too young to know what biological means. He thinks that she will feel lied to when she's older. She knows he's not her "real daddy", she thinks that one comes with being married. I need some advise on how I'm handling this. Is it wrong to want her to call a step-father her daddy. Is it too much to ask of another man to take on that role. Any feedback would be welcome.
PS
Just to clarify, she does not call him daddy now & I would not expect that until after we were married and living as a family.

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

New developments: Thank you to all for your words of advise and encouragement. As it turns out, it wasnn't about being called "Daddy". Although he does feel that way. It was the fact that I have been involved in interacial relationships. My daughter is biracial and because of his bigotry, I know that he would never have accepted her as his own. He was having too much of an issue with me having "been with" any African-America man. It really does hurt because he should have let his feelings be known before I fell in love and then I could have ended the relationship. Now my daughter wants to know where Mr. ? has been and I want to cry every time I think that it's because I did not know he was a racist. I know I sound emotional, I have never been rejected because of that and I can't believe there weren't signs that I missed along the way. Lesson learned. I hope the next time I write in it will be for better things. Thanks again.

Featured Answers

A.,

Put it to him that he will be just like the parents that can't have children and have to adopt. He will still be her father whether he helped create her or not. A Daddy isn't one who just gives life, but one who loves with their whole heart and gives of themselves to a child who needs love and comfort of a father. That is what he will be. As she grows up the truth does not have to be kept from her, just wait until she is old enough to understand. She will always remember when he came into her life. Being as young as 5 doesn't mean she will lose her memory of the time he came into her life. The important thing is that he is now there, he loves her and is willing to give of himself to her. She will be so happy and love him unconditionally. Tell him that.

Good luck.

E.

1 mom found this helpful

If you do get married, maybe you could include her in the ceremony as if he were marrying her too almost. You could tell her he is her adopted Daddy. Maybe then he would feel more comfortable with the Daddy name. You could also have her call hhim Daddy John (or whatever his name is)

I know this is short and sweet, but I had a friend that had bumper sticker that she kept pinned on the visor of her car and it read: Anyone can be a father, but it takes someones special to be a daddy" Her children had a stepfather.

~H.

More Answers

Have you talked about marriage and is it in the future?? if yes then, I personally think that as long as she knows he is not her biological father and as she gets older and understands more you explain the situation to her that she should call him Daddy if that is what she wants and he is okay with it. If he is totally against it you may be fighting a losing battle and you may want to reconsider if he is the guy for you and yor daughter. Try to make him comfortable with it by explaining to him that she wants to call him Daddy because he has been that special man for both her and you and that he had fullfilled that roll in her life. Also let him know that she will always know where she came from, and that he will never be her father, but her Daddy.....there is a big difference.

My husband calls his step-father Dad. He knows he is not his real father and he is in contact with his biological father, but his step-father was the man he grew up with who was his Dad and that is who gets that title and all the love and relationship that goes with it.

NO!! I don't think you are asking for to much!

I hope all works out for you and your family.

1 mom found this helpful

It is absolutely not too much to ask. I am getting married tomorrow and my fiance will be adopting my son who is 6. My son has never known his father and is very excited about getting a daddy. He is also very aware of the situation and refuses to call my fiance daddy until tomorrow. It is really kind of cute. I just think that maybe you should really sit down and talk about it to see if the problem is deeper than what he is saying out loud. I can't imagine anyone who loves you enough to marry you not wanting to give your little girl a whole family.

1 mom found this helpful

It is sad that he can not step out of himself to do that. I know there are a lot of people who call their step dad, dad or daddy because they have been good to them or that is the only father they have known. I know the men, even some may not be perfect and far from it, has taken this as a great compliment and a great responsibility. They've administered the spankings and the love.

I know that you may love him dearly, but this is something that you have to look within yourself to ask, "Is this enough for us?" You have been with this child longer than you have been with this man. Kids need and yearn for stability. Is that something that he is not willing to provide, even after you are married? I also know some men who marry the mom, not the child. I hope your daughter will never have to feel that way.

My girlfriend married into a blended family situation and they went for counseling before they got married to make sure that it would be the best situation for all parties involved. I thought that was the most selfless thing that they could have done, be willing to walk away from each other for the kids. They were also willing to sacrifice to make sure their (the entire family) relationship was strong. I was able to give her some insight on the matter and let her know that she needs to have a special title for them so that they know that they belong to her & her household (stability). If she was uncomfortable with calling them her daughters, she can call them her girls. Not refer to them as "Hi I would like you to meet my husband's daughters..." but as "Hi I would like you to meet my girls (not even stepdaughters"

Maybe you can find a healthy alternative. One thing is for sure, you both need counseling. If it bother's you enough to write in and ask for our advise, it is a problem for you and it must be addressed. To be totally ready to deal with this maturely, you have to ask yourself, "Am I ready to leave, if this does not happen?" If your answer is "no" than I suggest you make an appointment to see a counselor (for yourself) tomorrow because there is something deeper there that you need to explore.

Good Luck and God Bless,

1 mom found this helpful

There are a couple of problems, "red flags", that are here. The first being that he is a little short with your daughter because he is out of practice. I think it is like riding a bike- you may be a little wobbly at first but then it comes back to you. What kind of relationship does he have with his children?

Second: your BF is right- he is not her father. But if the 2 of you get married, he will assume the role of dad/daddy. It is a complete package. He should want to makea difference in her life and give her something she doesnt have. As to being "lied to", I think thats crazy. Though she may not understand completely now, you can tell her that he is her dad and not her father and reinterate that as she gets older. A father is basically a donor. A dad is the man who is there to hold your hand while walking across the road, holding back your hair when you're sick and tucking you in at night. It is more of an honor to be a dad. Sounds like maybe he doesn't want that title. It does take a special man to be a daddy.
Have you discussed marriage as yet? How does he see himself in regards to discipline and every day living with her?
Perhaps they need to spend some time together with out you. You can get a better feel for their feelings and the relationship they will have in the future. If he is against it then he's probably not the one.
Its not wrong to want a man to be called daddy- as long as both are comfortable with it. And its not too much to ask a man to take on that role- if thats what he wants. You need to really look at this relationship and see if he's just not comfortable with the name (then think of an alternative that would make them both happy- pops, duda, dadski), or if he's just not comfortable with her because she's not his, and he's not interested in raising another child (and if thats the case then you need to decide if this relationship is worth it).

1 mom found this helpful

A.,

Put it to him that he will be just like the parents that can't have children and have to adopt. He will still be her father whether he helped create her or not. A Daddy isn't one who just gives life, but one who loves with their whole heart and gives of themselves to a child who needs love and comfort of a father. That is what he will be. As she grows up the truth does not have to be kept from her, just wait until she is old enough to understand. She will always remember when he came into her life. Being as young as 5 doesn't mean she will lose her memory of the time he came into her life. The important thing is that he is now there, he loves her and is willing to give of himself to her. She will be so happy and love him unconditionally. Tell him that.

Good luck.

E.

1 mom found this helpful

Sounds like he has no intentions of being committed to her in any way, now or when she is older. He'll be glad when his kids are grown and he no longer as to pay child support. To him she's just the baggage that comes with you and he'll always consider her the third wheel- she'll be a kid on the outside looking in whether he is sharing time with you or sharing time with his kids. He's obviously not interested in being a father again, so don't plan on marrying and having other children with him. My 2 sons were young when we married and they called him dad from the first day. He was the one who came to me and asked to adopt them so they'd be taken care of by social security, etc., if anything every happened to him while they were young. - dump him, there's better out there.

1 mom found this helpful

You need to soul search this relationship. If a boyfriend has issues with your five year old daughter maybe he is not right for you and her. Could he has older children and doesn't want to start over or does he just not want to be involved with your daughter. This is a harsh truth; but if he is going to marry you it should not matter what the daughter calls him especially with her circumstances of not ever having a father. It should be and honor to him for her to want to call him Daddy. Be careful as you pursue this relationship.

1 mom found this helpful

My mother remarried when I was 12 years old. I never called my step-father daddy, but he would have done anything for me and my brother. He wrote a note to my father that he would never try to take his place but would care for us as if we were his own. I still have the note. It meant a great deal to me.

I would definitely have a talk with your boyfriend and see, if you were to get married would he then accept the role. It is so vital that kids have a "father figure" in their lives. Obviously, she is wanting or needing to call someone "Daddy". If he is not willing, then he is probably not the right person. Good luck. I hope everything works out the way you want it to.

1 / 3
Required Fields

Our records show that we already have a Mamapedia or Mamasource account created for you under the email address you entered.

Please enter your Mamapedia or Mamasource password to continue signing in.

Required Fields

, you’re almost done...

Since this is the first time you are logging in to Mamapedia with Facebook Connect, please provide the following information so you can participate in the Mamapedia community.

As a member, you’ll receive optional email newsletters and community updates sent to you from Mamapedia, and your email address will never be shared with third parties.

By clicking "Continue to Mamapedia", I agree to the Mamapedia Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy.