I Am in Need Dire Help of Suggestions.

Set reasonable, directly related consequences and stick with them.
They don't take their laundry to the laundry room, they have no clean clothes for school.
They don't do their homework, they fail.
They don't use manners, dinner is over.
Ask her once, don't nag - the other day I asked my daughter to pick up her papers, she didn't so I threw them away. She was angry and upset but learned that if se wants to keep things they need to go in her room.

Above all else, don't argue with her! She's getting attention, which is what she wants, and in the end she doesn't have to do what you're telling her to do - it's a win-win for her. Of course she's going to tell you she doesn't behave that way for attention, she still wants the attention! Don't yell, just state the consequence and enforce it.

Two books I can recommend are 'Love & Logic' and 'How to Make Kids Mind Without Losing Yours'. We use reasonable consequences in our house and (when we stick with it and enforce them) they work very well.

Good Luck!

This seems to be the story of my life with teens or pre teens. My granddaughter I am raising is spoiled. She will be nasty then quickly recover and be nice. I think harmones are acting up. MY burn has always been to have a clean house. Seems it is never the way I want it. Their rooms are always messy but my older children kept their rooms nice because I made an appoint not working, to clear out the junk every week. This granddaughter can have it nice one a day, later you can not walk in there. I have taken away things and she is very sneaky like hiding ice cream containers lids in books. The more I took things away the more they felt helpless and did not care. I could never get them back on track.

I know I was jealous of my younger sister, afraid my parents would love her more because she was younger. She was better at things. I was prettier and my dad liked the tomboy. But she is telling you her wake up call. Less time with the partner and more time with just her. Take her out shopping alone. These are big issues. My son got left in the wings as I just could not understand a boy. I thought I had a chance at making a nice young man but he is a menus to society. Steals and uses drugs got two teen girls pg and just is a loser. He always had a sister that was sweet and got good grades and any sports she got into she was great. He could not get the grades or even try. I think he felt he was not good at anything. But smart. It had a lot to do with his dad up and leaving us. It also has a lot to do with the new partner. We moved them to a different state and as much as dad really was not consistent with visitations they always had him on a pedestal. If I had it to do again not sure. The boyfriends were my need. I could not have handled the teen years alone and by then married. I was close to my own break down. I finally was not working and had all the time in the world to enjoy them and they acted up every time not wanting to coroporate. My life was miserable while they were teens, his DD acted out getting pg every couple of years not married and thank God did not live with us, but I hurt and cried a million tears about her. The other three all about a year apart stirring up trouble seeing bad kids and dating with sex. I also was going through menopause. Bummer. Three of the kids have matured gone their way and making their own lives. My son however is not. He gave up and I do not know if I will ever see him again. He is living on very cold streets of Seattle. Snow, floods, rain and cold. But I can not help someone on drugs who does not want help. So it is not fair any more to blame myself. I DID THE BEST I KNEW TO DO AT THE TIME JUST AS YOU DO. There is a lot of great moms out there that may have better ideas. Some were rebellious too so hang in there and Keeping in contact with teachers and also letting her know she has to be accountable for failing. Like one mom said if she fails maybe those girls that are not desirable will move on if she does. We learn also from bad girls that are not true friends. We have to experiment and try on different faces to learn who we are. We also pick bad men and compare them to good men in our lives and realize some of our choices were not the best but we got through it. We survive and so will you. Be close to God is all I can tell you. Tough Love says do different then what is not working. If you scream catch her off guard by not and if you are calm do the unpredictable. My kids used to come home and just pick on each other driving me nuts. So I would go pull weeds and get away from them. Do whatever it takes to be healthy yourself and find a calm. Friends get tired of it too. So do husbands. So find a good book to absorb in. God Bless G. W

T.,

I am sorry your 9 year old is giving you such a hard time. I think a therapist would be a big help for your daughter. She can see the therapist by herself, or you can join them. I just started seeing a therapist and they have a sliding scale - it is based on your income. Very reasonable pricing. Email me if you want the phone #. They are located on the border of F.M. and Lewisville. Good luck!

Try and sit down together for family dinner every night and breakfast if you can. Turn off the tv and just talk over dinner. Have them help you plan the menu/cook/set the table and clean up afterwards.

Tell jokes, laugh, paint each other's toe nails, brush her hair while watching a movie together, say a prayer together every night and every morning. Take her out on a mommy daughter date, just you and the 9 year old one week, and the just you and the 4 year old the other week. Have a family night once a week, even if it is only a 10 minute activity like a game and a small lesson.

Show her respect. You will find that kids will respect you when you speak to them calmly and respect what they have to say. Telling yourself you won't yell is great, but unless you have a plan to calm down and what you will say in place of yelling, it won't work.

Let her know that you love her, and that you are sorry that things have turned out this way and you don't want it to continue. Tell her that you want to change the yelling, but you need her help too. Come up with a sign together, like saying "uncle"- but it can be your own word. If you say "uncle" then you both need to respect the sign and start over in a calm manner. If she calls "uncle", then you need to stop too and restart the conversation.

Excellent family ideas here, even if you are not religious, you can still utilize a lot of these ideas:

http://www.lds.org/hf/display/0,16783,4231-1,00.html

http://www.lds.org/hf/fhe/welcome/0,16785,4210-1,00.html

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=024644f8f206c...

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db...

T.,

It's not easy being a single mom. Everything seems to fall in your lap, and you feel alone. It sounds like your guilt is driving your decisions and actions right now. Please don't make the mistake of trying to be your daughters' friend. That is not your job right now. Your job is to set boundaries and expectations, and to hold the girls accountable if they don't meet the expectations. You are teaching them how to be successful contributing adults.

Arguments are two-sided. When your daughter starts to argue, stop talking and walk away. If she follows, tell her that you are not speaking to her until she controls her voice. And stick to it! (It's hard at first. I know.) Once she settles down, speak to her again. If she begins arguing or yelling again, walk away. It sounds like she wants attention, so she will settle down if that's her only way to speak with you.

Set a schedule for chores, and set a schedule for bedtime. Set consequences for them. I was a working mom, and didn't have time to clean house, cook meals, do laundry, check homework, and love on the children. Therefore, we had a chore schedule. My kids knew that if they wanted to have family time in the evenings, their chores and homework had to be done when I came home.

I taught my children to do their own laundry when they were old enough to see over the top of the washing machine. I took a Sharpie marker and put arrows on "Warm" water and "Start". I did the same for the dryer. They began by washing their sheets. By the time they were in about third grade, they were responsible for keeping their own clothes washed. (I did their whites until they were much older, since I didn't want them to misuse the bleach!)

We had rooms assigned to each child. Each of your daughters can be responsible for keeping a room clean. (Based of course on their age and ability.) Their jobs can be as easy as making sure all toys are picked up before bedtime. Maybe on the weekends, you can have cleaning time when you vacuum, dust, and do the big cleaning together.

If you continue to feel frustrated or concerned, by all means seek family counseling. Sometimes, your daughters will not listen to you, but will heed the same words when spoken by someone else. I know that in Grand Prairie, we have a wonderful organization called Children First, which offers counseling on a sliding fee scale if needed.

Good luck.

Spend 10 minutes alone with each girl, every night, just talking or reading or listening to music.

Good luck!