Husband Wont Let Me Go Back to Work!

S.,
I'm sorry for the situation that you are going through and for all of these very harsh responses you have gotten.
I hope that you will sit down and have a talk with your husband and tell him yours and your families needs before your finances go down the gutter. I did see the part that said you needed the money!
As far as the harsh responses, more and more this web site is turning in to a judgemental, stone throwing, full of people that only see things their way or in black and white.
We are all mothers here and if we can't support each other then who do we have?
What might be right and feel right for one person may not be right for the next. There are many different ways of raising children and just because one family doesn't do it the same as you doesn't mean they should not be parents. This world has many different colors and it would be really boring if every child was raised the exact same way, and ate the exact same food, and read the exact same books etc. I celebrate difference!
So the next time you read a question or come across someone that needs help instead of beating them down because they are not doing it your way, why don't you try to see it from their point of view, walk a mile in thier shoe's.
There is enough hate and violence in this world that we don't need to be against each other. We are also suppose to be setting examples to our children. Is this a good example?

Steph

3 moms found this helpful

I am a stay at home mom of 3 beautiful kids. Whether you stay at home or go back to work your marriage needs to be your number one priority. You and your husband need to sit down and talk all sides through honestly. When your marriage is GREAT your kids will feel more secure and happy. When your marriage is strained or hurting your kids will feel it and be hurt by it too (they will act out). At this point if you stay home you will be angry and resentful towards him, affecting your marriage and in turn your kids. If you go back to work your husband will be angry and resentful towards you and so on and so on. You need to work out something with your husband that is a good thing for your whole family. Sometimes we make sacrifices and do things we don't want for the good of the ones we love. I am not saying you should stay at home or go back to work. I really believe staying home is better for the kids but you have to decide that for yourself. My advice again is to get this right with your husband first!

3 moms found this helpful

What do you mean, your husband won't let you go back to work. You can go back to work at the price of disrupting your relationship with your husband. You can stay home as he requests but that will also disrupt your relationship with your husband. This is an issue that the two of you need to resolve together. If the two of you can't talk it out and come to a mutual decision then I advise some help from a third person to do that. Anytime one person in a relationship feels that the other person has all the power the relationship suffers. You are no longer partners. You probably feel anger and helplessness among other feelings. And he also probably feels anger that you don't agree with him. This is a struggle that will negatively affect your marriage.

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ok, first i just have to that Abra, the last mom that posted a response was extremely rude and out of line. NO ONE has the right to EVER tell you that your wrong for the decisions you make as a mother. i think if you want to go back to work, more power to you. i've done the stay at home thing and now i work. i stayed home til my son was 4 months. and after my daughter, i was back looking for work when she was six weeks old, and i've had extended periods of unemployment in between. i've always used the same daycare, and i would recommend them to anyone. my children are very social and brite, and i believe daycare played a big part in that. It hasn't at all affected my relationship with my children, they know who i am, and they clearly prefer me above others. honestly though, i prefer to work. i like to get up and have a routine and go out and do something productive. I like to have my own money, and something more to talk about then just my home life. as wonderful as my children are, there's only so much you can tell your friends before they want to strangle you. good luck with whatever you chose, and i think if your really serious about it, then you should put your foot down with your husband. in my opinion, married or not, he cannot make your decisions for you. the happier you are with your day to day life, the better you'll be with your children.

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WHOA!!!!
Before you read all of these responses, just know that I am in your corner! A marriage is all about supporting each other, NOT controlling each other. I think some of these moms who responded are thinking of their own situations, and ignoring the fact that your husband has actually told you that you can't go back to work, without giving you a good reason.
Sound familiar? Like maybe a grumpy, controlling parent? If you had parents like that, and even if you didn't, I think you should try a new approach. Include your husband in the decision making, let him know you aren't trying to say he's inadequate, and then tell him that you NEED to know his reasoning. He is not communicating with you, and that's unfair.
Does he dislike your friend, or the idea that you are not trusting him to provide for you?
Whether you like the reason or not, there is one! Find out, and if he refuses to talk, insist on counseling. You can insist! There are exactly two functioning people in this marriage...you and him.
Good luck.
A.

2 moms found this helpful

Sounds like you guys need to talk (and believe me, I know how impossible it is to talk to a stubborn husband). Perhaps you could suggest that he take some paternity leave and stay with the baby for a month or two so that you could resume your job. Many jobs today give men paternity leave, if not, suggest he take some vacation time to stay home with the baby. If nothing else it will get a discussion started and he will hopefully be honest and tell you why he thinks you need to stay home.

I have two toddlers and I went back to work after 6 wks maternity leave each time. We needed the money and I have a full time job as a biologist and to be honest, I was going stir crazy at home. I think stay at home moms are great, but it isn't for everyone and I am pretty sure I couldn't pull it off and remain sane.

So, each mom makes the choice that fits her best, and if you really want to go back to work, it should be your right and your decision.

I have to say that women who DO stay at home with their kids and feel like that is the only RIGHT decision offend me. I have an amazing daycare (we went through 4 before we found a perfect situation), I spend quality time with my kids every moment that we are together and we have a great relationship. My kids are smart, happy, healthy and well socialized. I don't think that they are suffering in any way from me working, and I think they are benefiting because we are financially more "comfortable" and this combined with the fact that I am happy at work makes a happier home life than if we were dirt poor and I was miserable being stuck at home while my career suffered.

Good luck

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Hi S.,

When reading your post the things that jumped out at me were:

(and please this is not meant as a rebuke in any way but from my perspective as someone who has been there and done/and is still doing that) Also assuming you wouldn't have chosen to marry a complete overbearing selfish idiot.

1. She has found and married a man who is willing to be the sole financial support for his family WOW! These men are increasingly scarce as so many have been conditioned to "expect" their wives to also contribute financially. Make no mistake this is a huge responsibility, probably a little scary to shoulder this himself, but he wants to do it - what a blessing to your family!

2. She has found and married a man who loves his wife and respects her competence and skill to raise their children and VALUES the fact that no one can raise or love his child better than her mother - another huge blessing to your family!

3. She has found and married a man who values family as a unit and their connections to each other more than how much his wife can bring in in order to offset his burden to support his family or keep up with the Jones's - a rare blessing indeed.

4. She has no idea how valuable she is. Why would she consider her friend or a "great daycare" a viable substitute to mother her child when she doesn't HAVE to???

I say this as a stay at home mom to my own kids and as a childcare provider for the past 10yrs (my own career choice when my kids were all in school full days.) It is all about choices and whichever you choose, by definition you can't have the other. Women may be able to have it all - but not all at once, no one gets that.
You didn't mention if you were considering going back fulltime. If so something to consider: anyone who has your children 8 -10hrs per day IS "mothering" them and has them more waking hours during the week than they are with you. Kids are not on a shelf while at daycare awaiting your return, the learning and nurturing that they NEED is happening(or not)in your absence. This is soooo much to give away to someone else if it is not absolutely necessary! and if I do say so myself a do have a "Great Daycare" and enjoy it immensely but I am not their Mother only a substitute.
I encourage you to value the role you have in your childs life and take the challenge up of staying home with them, make memories together, especially since you have the support of your husband in this. It will not always be easy or fun or even appreciated often but you will never do anything more worthwile and you will never miss out on anything more important if you don't. It is not oppressive it is the most liberating and satisfying thing I have ever done. Appreciate your husbands willingness to sacrifice for you and his faith in you.
Good Lord I sound like my mother!! :)
Thanks mom!!

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Hi S.,

I see that you have got a barrage of mostly unsupportive replies.. I have noticed that there are many right leaning and fairly intolerant folks here.. that is why I do not often post. I feel strongly however to at least offer you a little encouragement. You will face challanges as your children grow up - you can only do the best that you can do. As a mom sometimes you feel it is good enough and sometimes you wonder if it really isnt. Your children will not be damaged if you go back to work. They will adjust. Yes, in a perfect world it is best if mother's can stay home with their children .. wouldnt we all love to if at least just for a little while?? But - sometimes that just isnt workable.. and sometimes as whole people, we need more in our lives than just our roles as moms. That doesnt make you or I or Sally down the street who works because she loves her job a bad mom. It makes us people who are in touch enough with ourselves to know that being strictly a SAHM is not doable for us - for whatever reason. My husband didnt want me to work when we first got together - mainly because he felt that my wanting to work meant that he wasnt a sufficient provider. He didnt refuse when I said I absolutely meant to work at least part time. I am good at what I do and I love my job. I am also good at being a mom and love that too - I am lucky enough to have found a balance and have a sense of fulfillment and purpose in both of my roles. The point is - Trust your gut. You know what's best for your family and you know how to be a good parent. Do not fault yourself for making hard choices - congratulate yourself for doing the best you can.

2 moms found this helpful

A few people here seem to be under the impression that your question about how to talk to your husband was *actually* about whether or not you should go back to work.

So I apologize for not answering your question, either! (Mainly because I don't know your husband.) In rebuttal to those who are telling you that you ought to stay home regardless of what you actually want to do, I will say that I have a FANTASTIC, extremely close relationship with my mother (with both my parents, actually) and I was very blessed to have a wonderful babysitter until I went to school. My mother is a phenomenal, brilliant person who loves her work, and she would have gone out of her mind staying home with little kids. (On the other hand, her own mother was an equally phenomenal, brilliant person who loved being a stay-at-home mom. It's not a question of intelligence but of personality.) I honestly think that a mother who stays at home out of guilt and not out of a desire to do so could actually do more damage than good. (And please, that old chestnut "if you didn't want to be with your children you shouldn't have had them" is completely specious. Who among us wouldn't go out of her mind if she had to be with her husband, however dearly beloved he may be, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for years on end.)

I thank God my mother had the courage to be one of the first of her generation to ignore the criticism of others and work outside the home. We would definitely have driven each other around the bend, and I even think we might not be as close today if we'd had a history of boredom and frustration during my childhood. (Let's not pretend that raising children doesn't involve a huge amount of those things.) (I'll also add that the woman who babysat me was one of the loveliest people I've ever known, and we stayed close until her death 20 years later. Since the daycare you have lined up sounds similarly good, I hope your daughters have the same feeling about your friend years from now.)

I'm sure your husband has the best of intentions; maybe if you were willing to stay home later on once the income situation improves, he might agree to support you in your decision now.

Congratulations, and I hope your situation works itself out.

1 mom found this helpful

I'll be blunt - You're VERY LUCKY.

Some of us aren't. My own son is four, and everytime I walk out that door to go to work, he says "Stay with me, don't go!". And every time, it breaks my heart. I'd do anything to be able to stay home with him. They are little for such a short time. In a few years they'll be consumed with friends and other interests. If I were you I'd take every opportunity to enjoy it.

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I just want to say that I am a big advicate for stay-at-home moms. My husband was raised in childcare and resents it to this day. He was not abused physically but was constantly verbally abused and riduculed. He has a hard time with close relationships because he didnt have one as a child. His MOTHER is resentful to her exhusband who would not allow her to stay home with her baby. My sister thought she wanted to go back to work and as soon as she did her husband quite to find himself and now she hates working, misses her baby and cant quit. I believe it is the husbands responsibility whenever possible to provide for his family, and if that means shopping at thrift stores and winco what a small sacrifice for your children to have your attention and love all day! It is impossible to be the mom you want to be when you are only home a few hours a day and basically you are giving someone else the job of raising your child so that you can get a different job. If your husband cant up his hours or get a partime job to supliment I would look into finding jobs you can do at home or when your husband can watch your babies. ENJOY this short time of infant/childhood. It goes by so fast and you can not get it back, but you CAN go back to work when they are in school and when they move out. I hope I did not offend I just wish more moms would BE MOMS (I do understand that some moms have no choice) Jen

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His feelings in the matter are probably a reflection on what he envisioned as a family.

If it's not what you had in mind (which I think is the case), it's really important that the two of you come to an agreement.

Maybe you could work part-time for awhile, and make sure he sees that it's working OK before going full-time. (Though it is hard to find good part-time work.)

If he's adamant about having a stay-at-home parent, try suggesting that HE stay at home.

Good luck talking with your DH!

1 mom found this helpful

Wow I can't believe you want to leave your tiny baby to return to work. I was crushed every time I had to leave my baby in day care and I had family and friends watching them. We were faced with the possibility of having to place our children in day care again and we have thought of several options which leave the kids at home with one of us or only out of the house for a very short time.

Maybe your husband realizes the importance of having a parent stay at home. Maybe he didn't feel the same way with your daughter but now that he has his own flesh and blood he wants the best for her and her sister, YOU. Maybe you could discuss the possibility of working part time against his schedule or working from home. That way you don't have to pay for day care which we all know is so expensive. We women always worry about finances and how much money there is but maybe you can cut costs somewhere to help make up for you not working.

Best Of Luck with your decision.

1 mom found this helpful

I work full time and have two boys (5 years & 10 months). It's hard and it's not the way that I want my life but we are not at a point, financially, where I can be home full time right now but it's a goal of ours. My life is crazy trying to keep up with everything and my husband is wonderful at helping out. It's just plain hard.

I personally feel that going back to work when your little one is 7 weeks old is a bit too early. With both of mine I waited until they were 4 months old to go back to work and I think that's a fair amount of time for you and for baby. But that's my personal opinion. What's right for you right now? Be realistic.

I think you and hubby need to have a serious talk. A good marriage is about compromise and sharing. It's not about control unless it's something that you both want in your marriage. Have a talk when the kids are asleep and see what comes of it. Why not compromise on WHEN you go back to work so that you both walk away getting what you want. Just a suggestion.

That's my two cents worth on this. Good Luck!
T.

1 mom found this helpful

instead of going back to work, why don't you think about watching a child or two at home. then you'd be home but you'd be making extra money. i'm sure he just feels like he should be providing for you, especially with two young ones.

1 mom found this helpful

UHHHMMM I would tell the husband Tough Luck. Your not my daddy you dont get to tell me what to do. If you want to discuss it like a normal human being then maybe we can compramise, but as long as your trying to control me forget it. Some men need to understand that just because you put the ring on my finger doesnt give you owners rights to me and my mind and body, some forget this. Just tell him that when he is ready to discuss it like adults you will be waiting, but until then I will be going back to work and Im sorry if you dont like it.

1 mom found this helpful

S. - Husbands get weird over stuff like this and mine voiced his opinion from everything to breast feeding, color of the nursery, to childcare. As my little one has gotten older he has really calmed down and loosened up. But I must say he doesn't make the decisions for me and I would NOT allow that. Going back to work is a personal decision of yours (in my opinion). They say... a happy mother equals a happy baby...and I believe this... You should do what makes you happy and exert some independence here.

Hi S.!

You have definitely received a lot of advise. What I want to know is what are the reasons for you wanting to go back to work? Is it financial, are you lonely, are you looking to achieve something outside the home? Whatever it is I would really identify your reasons. Once you have identified your reasons, I would try to come up with a compromise with your husband to see what you can do to fulfill these reasons. The compromises could be part-time, full-time evenings, or a home based business. For me I wanted to feel like I accomplished something and to bond with other women in addition to raising to wonderful sons. So having my own home based business with Arbonne really fulfills that need. Plus Arbonne has allowed me to grow so much personally, that this has been an additional blessing in disguise to my family. You need to nurture yourself so that you can nurture your daughters as well. I do have to admit that finding a balance can be tricky. Good luck and let me know if you need help or want to know more about Arbonne. ____@____.com

I really like Jeanette's response...

Unfortunately, everyone isn't cut out to be a stay at home mom. For me when I had both of my children I felt like I needed to get back to work. I didn't have the opportunity to chill w/them and watch them grow. But fortunately I had relatives in childcare w/preschool programs and I knew that they were being taken care of and learning and enjoying being around the other children.

With my second child, I had a little more time to regroup and be with the baby but I started to miss the adult interaction and the day to day hustle and bustle.

So I said all that to say I understand your need financially and socially to go back to work. Especially if you feel you need the money. Like you've said.

Sometimes men need ego boosting. If his hours are being cut and your money is funny, than it makes sense to go back. Do you know if this is a forever decision that he's made for you? Or is this a "it's too soon" decision?

However it goes, be open w/him.

If you feel you're going to go stir crazy in the house maybe find some groups that you and the baby can attend. That way you can still have some adult interaction and still have some functionality in your life.

Or if you wonder how you're going to make it on his income alone, tell him that too. Child Care is not cheap. Friend or no Friend. So going back to work, is that really beneficial???

I agree with your husband 100000000% A great daycare doesn't compare to a mother.
I could say more, but what's the point, you've already decided it's not your job to raise your children.

Wow S. I know this is presenting a challenging dilemma for you. I'm sorry you've gotten some less than supportive posts. My first career was as a live-in nanny. I adored the children in my care and they became like my own. In fact, the parents of one set of my charges are named the legal guardians for my own children should something (G*d forbid) happen to hubby & I.

It is possible to get excellent childcare from non-family members and crappy care from family members.

The critical issue here is not so much whether or not you
a: go back to work
b: stay home
c: work from home
d: provide childcare from home
the issue is the lack of communication and open dialogue on why he feels this way. I doubt he's usually this way or you would be used to it. It sounds as if he has some traumatic experience affecting his feelings on the issue, it also sounds as if the experience is too painful for him to even talk about.

One compromise may be alternating shifts with him (if you both have jobs that are conducive to that), or one of the other options mentioned above.

My hubby and I discussed it because we both have traditional beliefs. We were both clear that when the kids came I would stay home. I did work 9 months after DD came but that was because I could take her to work with me. I stayed home doing nothing for awhile, but wanted something to get adult interaction. Now I work from home. I tried a few party plan MLM businesses and found they were NOT for me. I then found a home business that makes sense, was/is risk free, and has zero overhead, zero parties, zero inventory but it does have great success and great ratings with the BBB. It may or may not be a good fit for you, if you have any interest you're welcome to check out my website: http://www.BeHappierAtHome.com

Best of luck in coming to a good compromise with your hubby and do what's right for you and your family. Don't worry about what other people think. Life is too short to live your life for someone else.
C.

Have you considered working from home? I just started with this company about 2 weeks ago and I love it! I'm my own boss, I set my own hours and I get out of it what I put in it basically. It was the answer to my prayers because I can stay at home with my kids, my husband was happy, and I'm brining in some GREAT income! If you're interested I have a website you can check out www.momsdreamcometrue.org I would love to chat with you and give you some more information, I PROMISE I won't waist your time

Hi S.,
I just wanted to say that communication is key to any relationship, which of course you know or your marriage wouldn't have lasted 3 months let alone 3 years. You need to find out WHY your husband doesn't want you to return to work, I am assuming that your 6yo has been in some sort of childcare setting at some point, why the aniexty (if that's what it is) now? You need to get him talking and get to the root of the problem. If your family is in need financially than you may have to return to work without his blessing, if you can hold off awhile until you understand his reasoning then....
Just know that you have many options avaliable to you and you know you, your family and your situation better than anyone on here ever could!!

Good Luck

Your husband is right. Stay home and raise your baby. You have so much more to offer your baby than a daycare provider ever could. You husband will figure it out. Abandoning a child is not worth money. He wants a happy, healthy marriage and have your child taken care of. He's right.

I am a single, work from home mom. I've done everything in my power to raise my son. I'm not rich, but we have a nice place to live and plenty of food. I wouldn't change a moment of it. If you're not cut out to be a mom, you shouldn't have had kids. I know that sounds harsh, but how could you let someone else raise your child?

I babysit a little girl (2.5) 10 days a month. She calls me mommy. She thinks she has 2 mommy's. Do you want your child calling someone else mommy?

TO FOLLOW UP WHAT I SAID: People should not ask for advice in this forum if all they're looking for is affirmation of what they want. This woman is very lucky, she has a husband that wants to take care of her. Women that work often neglect their husbands because they're just too tired. You think he's selfish because he wants a warm home to come home too? He wants his wife to have enough energy for him and his kids. He wants his children being raised by their mother?

I'm an anti-femist. I think women should stay home and raise their own children. You're going to get all kinds of responses here. Mine are often blunt and in the best interest of children and husbands.

On a side note, as some of you have mentioned. If this man is extremely controlling or abusive she should leave. I'm not advocating being controlled or abused. I'm advocating having a happy marriage, happy children and a wonderful life. I'm assuming this man is decent and simply wants his children raised by their mother.