Overbearing Mother in Law

Reading your story was like reading my own. I have lived in your shoes, but I lived next door to my mother-in-law. The interference was something I could ignore until we had kids. Then it was exactly as you described and only got worse. She began to question every decision I made and even told me I was a bad mother (for them not wearing heavy enough coats, eating enough veggies, etc...) I am now divorced, due in large part to my husband's refusal to move us out of her eyesight. For the sake of your marriage, I would strangly advise you to put your child in daycare!!

A.

I think this definetly is the age-old in law problem, unfortunatley your child is involved. I honestly believe child raring is a decision for BOTH parents.

I think if your husband could remove his feelings for his mother from this situation and view it differently it would better for you both. What I mean is, if you were having these issues with a daycare provider rather than his mother, he probably wouldnt hesitate to remove the child and place him somewhere else. The problem for you is that it is his mother and he probably feels like your picking on her. Maybe try presenting the information in this light.

Ultimatley, your child is your responsibility and it should not be left to the judgement of just one of his parents to make decisions for him. Sorry, but I think if your husband refuses to compromise and find a soultion acceptable for you both, then he is acting like a toddler himeself!

I have an 18 month old and I love the fact that he is in daycare. He interacts well with the other children and they teach them the colors and potty training. It's awesome. I have other friends who don't have kids in daycare and you can really tell the difference in the way they interact with other kids. I really feel like it makes a difference. That can be your argument is that he needs to be around other children. It's good for their development that your mother-in-law can't give him.

Good Luck I understand

My husband would scream if he knew I was doing this!
I belive you need to do what is right for you and your child.
Also every man believes his mother is the best. after all they turned out ok right?
I am so over hearing that. or that they managed to keep their son alive ans they will keep our son alive too.
Wow I could really go on and on.

I know if I was you this would be real hard!
Point out to your husband that your son can play with other children that you may even meet a few moms that you and your son can do play dates with as well. there is alot to him going to day care. I know there is alot to his mother keeping your son as well.

I had my mother-in-law keep my son last monday and i was very upset when my husband got home and she refused to fill out our schedule of our son (which we do here at home)
there was a few other things (not as small as the schedule either) that i just told my husband )after crying) that for me to maintain a relationship with her she did not need to babysit again untill he was much older and could tell me what was going on.

Also your mother-in-law may feel that she isn't as excepted as you are. and why should she be!!!
Maybe she thinks if she tells you something went wrong while you were at work her fear of you taking him away will come true.
If you can't get through to your husband go to the source and talk to her.
always do what is best for you and your son.
one day your husband may see your side of things just don't hold your breath.

i know i sorta went on to long.
i hope you work things out. good luck
T.

S.,
I have to agree with you on the overbearing part and you shouldn't feel bad about wanting to be respected in the raising of your child department, after all he is your child.
If your husband is concerned about the care he will recieve at a daycare maybe you could find someone that comes to your home? I have a neighbor that did that and the whole family was much happier,the kids were able to stay in a familier environment and it gave the parents a piece of mind that the kids were in their home! Good luck

I just posted something similar to your story i have soon to be overbearing mother in law as well. But you should do whats in your heart or at least talk to her and make her understand if she wants to keep the child she has to respect how you want the child raised

S.
My mil is a little overbearing also. She is not able to keep my 3 month old thank goodness. She is always telling me to feed him stuff like soup or whatever i am eating she says he isn't getting enough to eat. I tell her like it is.. I say the Dr. tells me he is fine. He is 13 pounds. Anyway tell your husband again the way you feel. Tell him you feel that if she keeps on babysitting that it will just cause more problems with u and him. And tell him you don't want that. To smooth it over with her just tell her you want him to be with other kids to learn how to play and share and all of the things that kids learn. She will get mad at first and pout but in the long run it will be ok. I understand how it is to have to work and not be able to stay at home with your kids. So nip it in the bud before you and your hubby start having problems. It is worth it to upset her a little bit than to have marriage problems. Men are funny bout there mommas. Good luck

Hi S.!

I have a mother-in-law that used to do the same along with checking for dust in my home, and demanding that I be home when she is coming over or else. Well, I have been taking her bull for sometime now and I had it about 2 months ago. She kept my 6 month old for about 6 hours and when I came back, there was not one single diaper gone out of the diaper bag. That told me there that she did not change him, but when I confronted her she told my husband that she did and I was being rude about it. Well, I let that go and days went by and I called her granny to my son, well she told me that she was not granny, grandma, or anything else and that she would be called nanny. When she first said it to me it caught me off guard and I did not know what to say, however I thought about it all day and all night that night, until I could not hold it in any longer. I called her up and said, "look, you have a son and you have raised him how you wanted too, and now I have a son or better yet your son and I have a son, and my son will call you and anyone else what I tell him, and he is going to listen and mind me or he will get punished. You are granny to my son and the next time you watch him you will call me if something is wrong or happens, you will change him when he needs and you will give me the same respect as you give my husband. This is my son now we are talking about and we all are going to raise my son like I say." Well, it actually got her to stop some things. Thank god! At first when I told, she called my husband crying and bad mouthing me like she has done nothing wrong. Well of course my husband believed her and it caused a little argument, but was settled the next day because he knows that I do not put people in there place unless they cross the line with me. So after he thought about it, everything was fine, and now when she comes over, she does not check for dust, does not demand me to do anything anymore, and next of all, she does not tell me how to raise my son, and if she needs someone while keeping him, she calls me now. I know it sounds horrible to do tell her how you feel, but it has got to stop or it's going to get worse. I've been dealing with this women over 3 three years and enough was enough because with everyday, it would get worse. I also want to give you a little advise, don't tell her what the peds say when u take him to the doc, and try to keep as much info away as possible. I have and it has become a relationship between us. The less she knows the better. Good Luck, and if you do tell her your feeling let me know how it turned out. Take care

HI S. -
I don't know for sure if this would help, but if you decide to let her continue keeping your son, you may want to invite her to lunch at your home, put your son down for his nap, and then you, your husband, and his mom have a heart to heart discussion. Prior to this luncheon, you sit down with your husband and decide what you are willing to agree on and what the ground rules will be (for example, agree that MIL will call YOU first, that any "problems" big or small will be noted in a little journal,etc.). Then at lunch, YOUR HUSBAND presents these "rules" to his mom. He has to be willing to follow through; that means, if his mom calls him the next day, the first thing he says is, "Did you call S. already?" The other thing to think about is, how long could you deal with having her continue to take care of him? Obviously if you think he is in danger, you need to end it now, but if this is more of an emotional thing for you, decide how much longer you could stand it, and go ahead and "give notice." Let her know how much you appreciate it that she keeps him, and that someday you can't wait to tell your son how his grandma kept him for his first 12 months, before he started "school," for example.
Good luck!
Nancy

Hi S.,
As a mother I know where you are coming from as a mother. I would feel the same way. I am the director of a brand new child learning center here in Bloomingdale and our Center will be different from the others in the area. If you choose daycare route, I invite you to call me and discuss our center. We offer a cirriculum for all ages and much more. ###-###-####. When my MIL does something I dont like, I try to over look it. But if it continued everyday I would have a big problem with it also. I feel your MIL should not try to take the "first" away from you, in our center we will not be telling our mothers "Your child walked today for the first time" We will tell them of there daily activitys, as far as sleeping, eating and crafts, but the first are so important, parents need to see the "first" them selves. And so many people do need to rely on "Daycares" to care for there children. I hope you come to a resolution that is a happy one for all. If you choose a center, maybe the in laws could keep your child every now and then. Good Luck,
Beck

S.!

You're the momma now...not her! She needs to know her place and if your husband isn't willing to stand up for you and your requests than I think you need to put your foot down with her and tell her things have to change and it must happen immediatly.

You and your husband will be pleasantly surprised when you start looking around at daycare facilities. Your baby will soon be needing interaction with other children anyway, you might want to get him started while he's still young that way he gets used to it easier!

If your husband fears he will loose his relationship with his mother if he takes your child from her care, you can always tell him and your mother in law that you would still like to let her keep your baby on couple/date night. She will still want to visit with him and you and your husband still want to be a couple. This way she only has a couple hours once a week or so that she will be the caregiver opposed to 8-9 hours a day 5 days a week.

Nip this in the bud soon before she continues to believe she's the one in control of YOUR family's life! 10 months old turns to 10 years old really soon...and that's a long time to be living under those stressful conditions!!

Good luck S.!

L.

Hi S.,
Sorry you are having to go through this - it is tuff. I have been there. I have a now 14 month old little boy and just as you my mother-in law kept him up til he was 10 months. Many things that you are talking about happened with us as well, finally I had had enough and put him into daycare. It has done him great wonders. He has learned so much by being with other kids and other people. I just had to let my husband know that it was time for Charlie to be with other kids so he could start learning new things and not be afraid to be around other people. He (my husband) resited at first but now sees that we made a great choice for Charlie. My mother-in law has finally backed off and things are much much better with all of us. Good luck.

You seem to have your hands full with just the mother in law there dear. I truly feel for you. I went through the same thing with my own mother but then I knew the cause of why she did this. Not to upset me, but as you can all ready tell with your mother in law, she probably didn't do a bang up job with her own child. If she has all ready accidentally allowed your child to swallow things that he should not swallow, then this is truly a health risk for your child and you should just put your son in day care, if your husband has a problem with that tell him you will quit work and be a stay at home mom. Usually that gets them to change their minds.
I hope this is helpful.

It's my feeling that you worries are warranted. You need to be able to trust the person who is watching your child. I can tell you from experience this is only the beginning of the interference by your mother in law. I can total relate to that. I have live by my mother in law for 5 years. Let me start off by saying she has been a great help and I will aways be very much appreciative. But she can be too involved in our lives. My children are 5 and 11. I have gone back to work for 9 months now. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your blight. I'm here for a with ears wide open

Hi
First thing first that child is yours and your husbands. Not your mother-in-laws!!! I can understand that your husband does not want to put him in daycare I have gone through the same thing in my home. Your husband needs to get a clue you are the mother. As for you not liking his mother what a baby. Sounds like he needs a come to Jesus meeting with you. I happen to like (Highly Respect) my mother-in-law. She is not my childs mother. Just make it clear what you want if she can't handle it then daycare it is. If your husband can't handle that then I quess you can stay home until he gose to school. One way or the other you take back control of your child. I wish you the best of luck. I have come out of my strife with few bruises. And a better marrige and we all respect each other in the end. Lots of prayers your way. J.

have you considered staying home with him & not working? Is that a possibility? that would eliminate the M-I-L problem & the daycare problem and any m-i-l issues with your husband....

Good Morning...Sounds like you might need that :)

Well, I have a 2 year old and the best thing that I ever did for her was put her in daycare. She is very social, interactive with other children, she loves to read books, she was feeding herself at 10 months old, walking at 10 1/2 months & not afraid to be around other people and I think that it has a lot to do with the daycare setting. In my personal opinion you always have to show the positve side of things if you want your suggestion to get through. Example would be, that he would have a multitude of social interaction with plenty of other children his age, most of the children that he would go to daycare with he might end up in the same elementary school with him. Most daycare facilities are very focused on helping and learning. They are mostly based on helping little minds work and grow into something spectacular. Also, the routine of him going to daycare, I think will make it a lot easier once they start elementary school. And as all mothers know a routine is great. I have had my daughter in daycare since she was eight weeks old, the daycare of course changed when we moved but the aspect of daycare stays the same. I would also look in to an educational based daycare, one without TV's in the room and one with a lot of happy clean babies. But, trust me things will happen at a daycare but, by law they have to tell you or at least call you when something goes wrong. And about the mother in law, good luck, I think that all grandparents are like that :) Hope some of this helps :)

Hello,

FIRST ALLOW ME TO SAY, MY GOD WAS IT GREAT TO KNOW THAT I AM NOT ALONE IN AN OVERBEARING MOTHER IN LAW. THIS IS MY SECOND MARRIAGE AND MY CHILDREN ARE 18 & 20...
I wish you the very best. My sister in law is handling the same situation. I know you love your husband. You are trying to do the right thing for you, your son and your marriage.
TAKE MY ADVICE, GET A DAY CARE.... Your mother in law will not change..
I bet your husband loves you but has learend to "tune" his mother out or ignore her ways. He may never come to realize the damage she is doing. My brother in law has not and never will. It is sad. I am very direct but my sister in law is a wonderful sweet person and our mother in law uses this to her advantage.
My grandmother advised me with this... You married him not his mother. Sometimes you have to come to realize you may never have a relationship with his mom but does that really matter?
If you and your husband have a wonderful life. Also as my grandmother said life's problems have solutions it is us as people who complicate them.
It hurt me that I would never have a relationship with my mother in law and I further thought I was making my husband choose. In the end I had to realize that my husband was my life and I made the choice not to attend his mother's home but I encourage him to visit and call. Believe it or not, with me out of the equation my husband came to see her ways...
I wish you so much luck.... Once you obtain a daycare you will see changes... It will not be an easy road but sometimes as women we must put our foot down.
You will be surprise at the results.. Please keep us informed.
I would love to talk to you more about the mother in law.
It is wonderful to know i am not alone in stories for days..

You are right when you say that she won't regard the way you want your child raised, but neither will anyone else, especially day care providers. They have a lot more than just one on one care. A lot of families think that the mom has to work to make ends meet, when actually the wife's paycheck covers day care, eating out (too tired to cook tonight honey), and the nice clothes, hair and nails needed to keep a good job and no extra money for anything. Even bills. If you can, do some research on how much money you can save if you stay at home and raise your own child, then show your husband and tell him your heart. This will solve most of those problems you are having. Not to mention, your son and hubby will love having you at home and you'll be happier too.

First of all, DON'T PUT YOUR SON IN DAYCARE! I know that sounds harsh, and forward of me, but if you have standards about how your son is to be raised, and it sounds like you do, you can guarantee that they won't be closely followed at any daycare either. Now, the mother-in-law. First of all, review "da rules" that seem to be getting broken. are they things that, for some reason, she can't help, is she maybe not aware of them, or is she doing it for out and out spite? Next, talk to hubby. Tell him that it hurts you to be treated that way by someone that you care for (meaning ma). Your wishes as his mother should be respected. There isn't a grand mother in this worldthat should have the right to change reasonable rules of the parents. exlain to him that it will only cause problems at home later if your rules are broken by grandma.have hubby tell her to call you with problems. she may listen to him. as for the jealousy, he's your boy. he's naturally going to do some things with you that he won't do with anyone else. iif all else fails, maybe you could consider working from home? this is just what i'd do. hope this helps!

I dont know that this is good advice or not, but lie, well kind of. Socializing with other children is very important and maybe you could use that logic with your husband. A daycare potentially has a lot to offer in the development of your child that your MIL cannot provide. Another option is doing both part-time. Good luck.

Your in a tight possition, we all know. You might want to bite the bullet, and let you monster-in-law continue to care for your son a while longer. Daycare is rough on little ones. You have a luxury...if you take that luxury and trade it in she may become even harder to deal with. Your husband may even get more upset than he is now. Kill her with kindness, at this point there is no real influence that she can take away or give. If you don't want her to give him a paci, or too much formula, you should just provide exactly what you want him to have. Get notes from you PED to back-up and medicinal disagreemnets you may have (she can't argue with a Dr.) Confide in your husband, and make him think any of your ideas are his ideas...that is always a sure way to get him on board. Start telling you rhubby whenever he does something you really agree with, you know, then throw a little of your own opinion on top...then give him the credit for the idea, and then ask him to remind the Monster that it should be done His way...she is going to him for advice anyway...
In the end, you should take this before GOd. Ask Him to guide you and tell you whatyou need to say and how you need ot act to get the results that are best for your child. Believe in miracles!!! I DO! Good luck, and keep your chin up

Hello S.,
Tell your mil that he is your son and that she should notifiy you about everything that happens with him. If she doesn't than explain to her that if she doesn't that you will have to take him somewhere else. If you live in the savannah area and are looking for cheap daycare i am avaliable.I have a 2 year old and a 5 month old.I stay at home allday.please message me if you are interested.

I know it sucks and you should put your foot down and make her respect you and your wishes but lemme give you something to think about. My mother will only act like a gma to my kids if 1 someone's looking(like her friends) or 2 you threaten to put a gun to her head(not really i've never done that but you get the idea). My grandmother is alot like your mother in law but I'm working on that. Now I got lucky b/c MY mother in law is the sweetest woman in the world and I feel like my kids are luck to have her in their lives. The only problem is she lives 4 hours away!! I would give anything to have her closer so she could see my kids more often. So I know you're frustrated right now but just think it could be worse you could have in laws or family that couldn't care less.

I know what your going through. (Are our husbands brothers?? LOL) Whenever my MIL started acting like that I had to explain to her that he was MY son and she had to do things my way. If she is watching YOUR child, then she should view herself as a childcare provider and not a grandmother during those times (in the sense that you are her boss when she's watching your child) Don't not say things to her about it because she's your husband's mother. I did that for a long time and it didn't end well. Tell her there's certian things she rather not do with your child, that those things (like him snuggleing on your shoulder) are special between you and your son. If she has and heart, she will understand, and follow your wishes. If not, maybe you could explain to your husband how you feel about it and tell him you are not over-reacting and maybe he could talk to her for you. I've had to do that a few times too. If nothing else works, maybe you could look into a chruch daycare. They are often cheaper and have fewer kids. i wish you the best of luck!

sorry to hear about this, but to tell you the truth if it was me i'd have my child in daycare, for one thing it is better for the child cause it gives them other child interaction and will help build thier immune system from being around other kids. there is no reason not to put a child in a good daycare!! i say go for it!!!

First of all, your husband HAS to realize that this child is his AND your responsibility and he should not be taking his mothers side against you. If you let that go now, your mother in law will always have her way with this child and any further children you may have. You need to put your foot down with your husband, calmly. Give him examples of the way things are. The things she let 'slip' that you didn't know about. You are the childs mother, therefore you have the right to know what is going on with your child. Now what I have to say may cause a further rift but you have to put your foot down to your mother in law. That won't be easy. Tell her calmly and distinctly that you are his mother and have the right to know. I had a great mother in law but an overbearing mother. Beleive me, it is not any easier to put your foot down to your mother any more than it is to your mother in law. As far as daycare goes, he should be in daycare now. He needs to interact with other children,(make sure he is on some good vitamins!!!) I wasn't able to afford day care and now my daughter is paying for it. Sometimes she can interact well other times not so well. She seems to gravitate toward one instead of a group which day care would teach. Point out to your husband that it is time for him to learn how to be another childs friend. 10 months old is not to early to start. If you don't do this now, you may never be able to have control of your own children. I am just hoping you can eventually get your husband to agree to this, keep in mind he may never go against his mother. Good luck, be strong.

I can understand where you're coming from. Try to talk to your husband first and make sure that you're both a united front on everything. Once you two see eye to eye, then you can deal with his mother. A lot of mothers-in-law get like this, just not always to this degree, in my opinion. I think they lose sight of the fact that this is not their CHILD to raise how they see fit, it is their GRANDCHILD. The only thing that i can think of is for you and your husband to sit down with her and explain that this is the way you want things done. Explain the way you feel and let her know that your husband backs you up on this. I'm sure that's part of the problem as to why she won't listen to you. Make sure that both your husband and your mother-in-law know that these things are very important to you. And let your mother-in-law know that if these thigns don't stop you will be putting your son in babysitting/daycare. Try and work it out first because ultimately, not matter how much you hate it, having your mother-in-law watch him is probably the best place for your baby. i hope everything works itself out!

My MIL starting keeping my daughter when she was about the same age- 10 months. We initially had the same problems and my daughter started to become VERY attached to her and even called her "mama" at times!! It eventually blew up and ended up with both of us screaming at each other. It was horrible. Now I am not advising that at all...and I am actually going to go against most of the advice that you have received.
Besides you and your husband- no one is going to love and care for your son like his grandmother. I would talk rationally to your husband and let him know he needs to be on your side. Then the three of you need to sit down and let MIL know that you are going to put your son in daycare unless she start respecting your wishes. It worked for me.

I will say this... the jealousy does not end with that. But it does get better. I had to learn to pick my battles with her.

F.

My mother-in-law is the same way!!!! Our relationship has always been stained. She calls herself the mother of my child! Your husband should take up for you! Do you have any other relatives or friends that could watch him while at work? I also live in Mt. Juliet and my daughter goes to a wonderful daycare! Let me know if you're interested.

oh hon, I feel your pain...

might I play the devils advocate here, and suggest that maybe the reason she talks with your hubby is because she doesnt want you to feel like shes complaining about you? Maybe its easier for her to talk to your hubby since shes known him longer?

Also, I know that seperation anxiety happens to Moms too. Maybe some of the 'issues' you are having may be because you are feeling like you are missing out on something with your son?

let me commend you for making sure you do everything to care for your son...I know how hard it is to leave babies to work!

I have found in my own personal case that having grandparents as grandparents and others as sitters has worked wonderfully...it just seemed to me with my folks the lines were hazy, and they started to step on toes...no matter how well meaning, I just didnt want that, you know?

please keep us updated as to how you are doing.

S.- I FEEL FOR YOU!

My son has stayed at home with my mother-in-law since he was 5 weeeks old (when I went back to work), he's 2 now. At first, it was little things that she wouldn't listen to me about. Then, it started to be big issues, such as what I wanted him to eat (she's a vegetarian and I'm not). It escalated to a point where I started taking it out on my husband. Eventually, I decided that her and I needed to talk mom to GRANDMA! I basically told her that I love her and I love that she is helping us out with our son, HOWEVER, he is MY son. She has raised her children in the manner she saw fit. Now it's our turn to raise our children the way WE saw fit. I told her that what she was doing (undermining me) was disrespecting me as a mother and a wife. I told her that if this continued to be a problem, we would put our son into daycare. I walked away at that point before she could respond. Basically, she still watches my son (at age 2) and we haven't had a problem since.

Stand up to her and remind her that YOU are the parent here and the one responsible for the life of your child. Even if you do decide to go the daycare route, you'll feel much better about yourself for standing up to her. Good luck!

Oh goodness, i unfortunately know exactly where you are coming from with the mil but i had to move 500 miles away from her for my hubby to see what she was up to and she just recently tried pulling the discipling card on us...and he had to sit her down and tell her that this is my family and my wife and child come first and if you want to continue to see us you are going to have to do what we say and what we want when it comes to our child....she didnt like that at first but she realized it, you just need to get him to see it because most guys wont believe it till they see it, like mine did, he thought that i didnt like his mom and that is why i was complaining, but she has been on me since we got engaged.....and i would insist that you put your child in daycare, at least a few days a week so that he can gain some child interaction and not be around grown ups so much...it will enhance his learning and how to get along with other kids and children need that interaction and friends, it also gives you friends that if they keep there child home once in a while it gives you someone else besides his mom to look after him, even though that might upset him, just tell him that it hurts you when she constantly tries to get you to fight about that topic and that you and your son are his number one priority and that your not asking him to cut all ties with his parents just that you want him to stick up for you and your family.........good luck

I think we all ought to get together and make a public stand against these mothers-in-law!

I know exactly how you feel and I would highly recommend that you look for a daycare. There are so many good day cares here. And eventhough you are probably going to pay a lot more than you are probably paying now I think it would be worth it. Not only is your child going learn more at a day care; he is also going to socialize with other kids, teachers. I would defenetly go for a private day care though. Like a christian or catholic day care. They are more expensive but it is defenetly worth it. Try Amazing Child day care it's in bluffton. It's christian and the teachers are so nice and the place looks very clean. But when a mother doesn't have a good feeling about something it's because something is defenetly wrong and you don't know what it is yet, but you will find out eventually. A day care helps our kids grow. They teach them things and have a little bit more patience with them. Please go for it.... You will feel much better when you do.