I Think He Expected Me to Just Stay Home.

There ARE a lot of military families where the woman stays home - because childcare is really, really expensive. There are military families on food stamps, too. Yes, a lot of those moms really do want to stay home, and even enjoy it, but for at least some, it's a financial consideration.

I tried to go back to work, part time, after the kids were born. I had the option of working a 7 pm to 1 am shift, which theoretically should have worked, since my husband got off work at 6. But he also left for work at 7. We were both exhausted, and therefore not very good parents, I'm afraid. I could have worked full time, but even if I had gotten the promotion that was being talked about, after paying for daycare I would almost have had enough left over to pay for my gas to get to work. I still miss my job. But - for us, anyway - it just wasn't worth it anymore. Though we probably could have lived on just my full-time salary, with DH as a stay-at-home, the first time something came up - a car repair for example - we would have been in real trouble, and we wouldn't have been nearly as comfortable as we are.

So, I guess my point is, are you just looking at this emotionally - because, yes, it is very hard to give up a job that you love and are good at - I know, I was there - or are you also looking at this practically? Interview daycares, find out what they charge, get some numbers. Where you are now - what kind of salary will you be bringing in? Sit him down with the numbers. He might be much more receptive to compromise, if you can try to separate the emotion from the issue.

i think a husband who wants his wife to stay home after the baby is born is pretty rational. If it can be done financially sound then i dont see a reason not to be home at least until preschool starts.

It not like there is a more important job out of the house that must get tended to.

*edited, since i was the first to post on this i just wanted to say that i am NOT attacking you dear. You have a right to live the way you want,thats the beauty of america. I was merely saying i totally understand where your hubbs is coming from

I guess my first question is why this wasn't discussed before the baby? I'm not trying to be sarcastic, but this seems like a pretty basic conversation.

It sounds like you get a lot of identity and satisfaction from your career, but I'm baffled... did you expect that he would stay home? What were the plans for taking care of the baby?

My husband did not expect me to give up my career when I had our first child, but honestly when I became a Mom, being a Mom became my job. By my choice. Being a stay at home Mom isn't for everyone, and some people need a career to be a better parent. Talk to your husband about your needs and expectations. Hopefully there's a compromise in there for everyone, and one that will give the baby the best of what he/she needs.

This wasnt a discussion BEFORE you decided to have a baby? I've noticed quite a few posts in the last few hours....what EXACTLY are you mad at?....your boyfriend? Perhaps couseling would help.
I think you are more venting than anything...come on B., what gives?

M:)

Many of us woman, highly educated woman, with careers, decide to stay home because raising our children is more important than some career, and are thankful our husbands can allow for us to do so. You would not be giving up your life, you would be rededicating it to the baby you brought into this world. Not that that is your only choice, but it is not a bad one. And you really shouldn't put down the woman working at the PX or anywhere else, you do not know their story, and it is just rude. You are in no way better than them. Especially when (per your previous post) you are not even working, and are on public assistance and food stamps. Don't you think the PX would be a step up from living off the taxpayers?

And per the statement made by adansmama that anyone who advocates being a stay at home has never had a career, that is just wrong. I was a domestic violence councilor before I had my oldest. I loved my job, but decided that raising my child myself was way more important. My career can easily wait 5 or 6 years, my children can not. And there is no shame in having a job vs a career. Last winter things got tight, but not willing to leave my children full time to the care of others as going back to my career would require, I took a part time job at Walmart until we got caught up, and in no way felt it was beneath me or that I was better than the other woman their because of my education or past.

All that said, there is nothing wrong with being a working mother, but I think the reason you got some of the post you did is because you sound like you are bashing those who choose to sacrifice for our children. I in no way gave up my life to stay at home, my children make my life better everyday than any career or job could do.

OK, you loved your work, you aren't married, you didn't discuss the child/work thing before having a baby and you had a baby before you got married. And NOW your upset??? Sigh.

When you chose to have a child, you do "give up your life" for a time. The child doesn't get conceived, born, and raised on it's own. I didn't read the adoption comment, but unless your birth control failed, you CHOSE to have the baby, so you HAVE to make some sacrifices.

How old is your child? I don't know if you have the capability to freelance from your home - perhaps you can with some childcare help.

adoption?

and to answer the update... I don't know, but you've been upset and fault finding and majorly venting all over the place over teeny tiny little things, and then the ptsd issue with the boyfriend on top of it... this answer isn't in response to the work or stay home, b/c families can make either work, but it's in response to the 5+ questions you've asked in the last hour....
and it seems you are not prepared to have a child right now, nor to be in a relationship, and obviously not handling the situation with your boyfriend at all. Harsh, maybe, reality, maybe.... overreacting maybe. If you are prepared to woman up and do what you can, by all means do it... if not, then give your child to someone who can provide a stable and loving home if you cannot offer that. I guess I've seen plenty of overwhelmed and under prepared single mothers do this and it seems like a logical, though difficult suggestion. No disrespect to you, I would advise my own sister to do this if her situation was like yours. Perhaps you should start by having a mature (meaning non-bickering and realistic) relationship with the father of the child, create a game plan and seek some counseling.

Wow!
You sound like you really didn't want a child in the first place.
Why are you in such a big hurry to drop your little one off at daycare?

It sounds to me that all you think about is
ME, ME, ME.
Now you need to think about your family and what is best for everyone.

I dont even want to get into your original question....just wanted to jump in to express my surprise as to why anyone posts on this board who only wants "support"?????? This is a diverse mulit-generational, multi-national, multi-cultural forum....you are going to have to expect that not everyone will agree with you and will tell you so. Would the board be worth it otherwise? And if you are a sensitive person who cannot handle criticism-well you just shouldn't be posting here.

If you want to continue working, I say go for it. If you give it up, til your kids are old enough or all in school, you may lose experience in your field of work. I've known a few people this has happened to and while a few has said it was the best choice they ever made, a couple others said it was one of their biggest regrets. If I were in your field with your exp, I wouldn't give it up either. A fun career that you love is rewarding and it's nice to know you have something that you'll always have if you stick with it.

No one really mentioned this, and I think it needs to be said:
This man is NOT your husband. He wants the convenience of those 'other military families' without taking into account that most of those 'other military men' are MARRIED to the women that stay home with their children. He has not given you the security that comes with that, which means you should be looking at the long-term possibility that it will never happen, especially considering some of the other issues you have had with this man. I'm not saying that marriage is fool-proof, but it's a lot better than whatever you have right now. You can't have both your freedom of commitment and the security that comes with marriage.
I am a stay-at-home mother with a teaching degree that gave up my career to stay home with my children, and would advocate that any mother do the same. You will never get these years back with your children and they are precious BUT, again, you have no guarantees with this man right now. He is emotionally unstable and obviously unwilling or unable to fully commit to you right now. His offer of "IF we get married you could...." is really sad. You cannot stake your financial future on an "IF."
So, long story short, even though I think your daughter would be better off with her mother, he is offering no stability to you right now. You need to be financially independant of him for the possibility that marriage with him is not in your future. You would have been better deciding the answer to this question BEFORE deciding to have children, but there's not much you can do about that now.
I think you need to make some hard decisions about where you want this to go, especially before he deploys (let's face it, if he's killed in action, as only his girlfriend you get NOTHING). Do you WANT to be with this man, have children, a life, a home with this man? You daughter needs the stability of both of you making some adult decisions and coming to a conclusion about where you both stand.

BTW, don't be so snobbish about your previous career. A job is a job, and many of us went from lofty things to changing diapers and cleaning up messes everyday. It's called sacrifice.

B., you have been given TONS of advice on the several questions you have asked in the last day. We are here to support and offer advice when asked, you will not likely agree with it all and that should be expected. You seriously need to grow up and take control of your life. Is this the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with? If so, you need to get married before he gets posted again. It sounds like this really isn't the man for you, you are not cut out for military life, cut him some slack for not being there when your baby was born and help him adjust.He is giving up his life for his country, you are also expected to give up some of your life when you decided to have a child. If you aren't willing to do that, perhaps adoption is an answer to your many problems.

Wow, some of these moms were just plain nasty. You have to do what works for you and your daughter. We can't judge that, even though some moms here think they can be judge AND jury!

It doesn't matter if you discussed this before the baby came. The baby is here now and you have a decision to make. You both have very different expectations, but that doesn't mean that you have to yield to what HE wants.

Again, we can't and shouldn't judge your situation. As far as adoption........ ridiculous. How can putting your baby up for adoption be better than daycare? Unreal.

He should not marry you. Right now he's probably thinking that he's better off deployed. At least he's got training for that war zone. You should leave and never come back so he can find peace. Take your baby with you.

Wow, I'm shocked at some of the other comments. I mean, really? You think she is a bad mom because she wants to work? Not all women were meant to stay at home changing diapers, cleaning house and cooking dinner. Some women dream of being a SAHM, others dream of having a successful career. You should never have to choose between having a career and being a parent, in this day of age you can be and do both.

My advice, if you want to go back to work and you can afford to pay for child care.... then go for it! You said you are not married, if you can provide for yourself and your child then do it! Now if you were married, I would say that is a decision you and your husband really need to decide together, but you are not so it is yours to decide.

I think that if you want to go back to work and that will make you a better person/mother then you should absolutely do it. Some people need to be working while others find total fulfillment at home. That said, you aren't married. If it were me, I'd go back to work in that situation. I would want to be sure that regardless of the situation at home, I could provide for my child.
My cousin worked full time while her son was little. She felt that she needed to be working and that she was a better mother because of it. I firmly believe she was.
I will tell you that the older the children get, the more they need you. It sounds counter-intuitive, but that's the way it works. I have teenagers - they both need me now more than ever.

Do what is best for you and yours.
LBC

I'm not married and have 3 kids! (GASP!)... So a big fat 'shut up' to everyone being judgemental. Be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

What's done is done and baby is here, YES, you should have discussed this first, but now that the issue has risen, I would sit down with him and go over the pros and cons of you working vs staying home. Working free lance can be time consuming only if you have something to work towards... don't you still have plenty of time to stay home with your little one in the downtime? Take that downtime and find a good, reliable sitter, who is willing to babysit only when you have work. If it doesn't work into the budget, then sweetie, this might be a chapter in your life that may have to be put on hold until your baby is older (school age) and you have more free time. It wouldn't be the first time a new mother had to give something up for her kids, and it won't be the last. This is a lesson best learned early on. I'm not saying you have to give up your dreams, no way!... but if it doesn't work out right now, start planning NOW for when you WILL have time to make it work. Never stop dreaming :) Right now, your #1 job is taking care of your little one, and enjoy it now! I know lots of moms who would do anything to be able to stay home and enjoy their babies all day :)

Best wishes :)

Ok, I just have to respond to the person who said ask the daycare providers how many babies call them "mommy". My kids have been in daycare since a young age and they have NEVER called anyone but me momma - they now their mommy loves them and takes great care of them, but they also have a great time at school with their friends and their teachers. My kids have thrived in daycare and so have many others, so please do not think that you can not go back to work and find a good daycare were your baby will be well cared-for and taken care of! I have never and will never consider it a day orphanage and I've never heard of that in my life!

I just wanted to say that this comment:

"I can tell by the tone of your post that you formula feed - - so your child would have even more risks getting sick in a daycare environment."
Posted by Pamela and Raven M. was really rude and uncalled for

Although I do not agree with all you are saying and yes you do trade your old life for a new one when you have kids, I think you can compromise to meet the needs of your family. Good luck to you!

OH BOY!!! I would not give up my job if I did not want to. I had a great job also when I married my husband. I kept it a long long time. I gave it up when it was time for me and I wanted to.
Wow I just read some of the responses ....... some are so of base. I think your bf should be proud of you wanting to work. Seems like you have a fun , creative job. If your not the stay at home type. Then don't stay at home, its really up to you and what you truly want out of life. Daycare does cost money , so does everything! I would say try to get bf to understand that this is who you are and not working is really not an option with you. I would tell him you support him in every way and you expect the same. I mean he met you and you were a working girl , why should that have to change?
I wish you luck in what ever you decide.

holy cow there are sure a lot of sahm's on soapboxes. hon there is NOTHING wrong with being fulfilled in your career and being upset that someone would expect you to give that up. and yes, there is a big difference between a "career" and a job. that's not being a snob, that's taking pride in yourself and all the hard work you put in to get there. only someone who has never had that would judge you for it. the thing is you two aren't even married. if this means that much to you (and wouldn't your job pay for childcare, plus some? not working some part time job maybe) decide if it's worth standing your ground on.

Can you find a happy medium? This is something that the two of you are going to have to talk through. Neither hubby or I wanted to put our daughter in day care, but that was our choice, every family is different. At 3 years old we started our daughter in preschool 2-3 days a week in the morning, which gave me a little more time to work. Soon enough she will be in kindergarten and then 1st grade, and I can work more if I want. I really cherish the time I get now with my daughter because I know that soon I will not get as much time with her.

I completely understand not wanting to stay home all the time. After 4 1/2 months I went back to my very part time job as a concert hall event manager. I really thought I was going to be a full time stay at home mom (which I kind of am, since we have never done day care, I did my best to work around that) but I really love to work. Hubby worked full time, I worked in the evening about twice a week while hubby stays home with our daughter. I will be picking up something else once my daughter starts 1st grade.

So that is who we worked it out. I love getting out to work because I crave that adult connection and love working. I just do not want to give up all the time with my daughter unless I have to, some families both parents have to work or want to work so they have to do what is best for them. So really have to talk this out with the child's father. Can you find a part time job so that you get to stay in your field and work a little? That way daughter dose not need to be in daycare every day or all day, something for hubby to think about. I would look at cost, because if you can not make enough to cover the cost of daycare then you are spending more then you make.

Staying home if possible for at least the first two years is what most Mom's would give their eye teeth for. The earlier the infant/toddler is in daycare the sooner they start getting really sick often. I can tell by the tone of your post that you formula feed - - so your child would have even more risks getting sick in a daycare environment.

BUT... if you feel your social-career life is more important, then of course daycare is an option. Daycare is EXPENSIVE and most Moms realize that they are pretty much working to just afford daycare and not to have any extra money to show for all their hard work.

Why don't you look into freelancing again, in a part time setting - where you leave for a job once your baby's Father comes home and can watch the baby?

Wow, the tone of many of the responses has me floored. WOW.

If you aren't married, that's all the more reason you shouldn't give up your career. He isn't committed to you, so taking yourself out of the workforce will make it much harder for you to support yourself and a child. I don't think it's selfish at all to want to keep your career (who ever tells men they are selfish for wanting to keep their careers post-kids?). I work part-time and my career keeps me intellectually challenged while helping to provide for our family. My career supported us when my husband was laid off years ago. Being a SAHM isn't always the ideal and isn't always appropriate in every family situation.

Daycare isn't evil and in fact can be a great thing. There are some fantastic providers out there who will love and care for your child.

I think the big question is the status of your relationship. Do you really feel he's Mr. Right? If he doesn't respect you and your career, that can be a red flag. You really need to be on the same page with both of your careers. Hopefully it's just a misunderstanding, but at the very least you need to talk it through with him.

In the meantime, don't give up your career.

Ah nothing gets the responses flowing like the work or stay at home questions. I firmly believe that the best parents are the ones who are happy and fulfilled with their lives.

For a lot of moms, trading in an exciting career for staying home full-time leaves them feeling unfulfilled, bored, anxious or just a bit depressed. There is nothing wrong with loving your career and your children.

It sounds like you were in a field that made good money so paying for childcare shouldn't be an issue. Maybe your boyfriend doesn't like the idea of a daycare with lots of kids. Instead why not try to find a small in home day care or maybe even a nanny.

Or what about having a nanny a couple of days a week so you can keep your career going and you stay home the rest of the time.

Regardless, you and the BF need to get on the same page soon.

Not all men think you need to give up your life when you have a baby. My guy doesn't, we talked about me staying home for a little while but that was a personal choice. Now that our daughter will be turning 2, it's time for me to return to work, and possibly school.
When you have a baby, and you are with that baby's father you need to sit down and figure out what you both want and figure out how to make that happen. It's the same when you are married. To me, it sounds like you know what you want, and don't care what he thinks, and he knows what he wants and doesn't care what you think.
Have you guys actually sat down and talked about your dreams? Have you talked about what it is you really want to do? If you want to go back to whatever it is you did, then figure it out how to afford daycare (with both your earnings) and have time for your career and your family.
Even though we aren't doing what we dream of right now, I know what my guy wants out of life, and he knows what I want out of life, we are on the road to getting their with sacrifices and compromises along the way, we'll get there as a family. Good Luck to you.

Military life is not fgor everyone. It should have been discussed before you had a child together. It's a hard life. I have 4 kids and stay at home. My husband is being deployed in 2011 for over 1 yr. Miltary spouses are there for each other and you can find a lot of help and support from them because they all can relate since they've gone through the same thing. Remember, it's not all about you anymore. You need to do what's best for your child.

Wow the comment about the formula feed. How rude and uncalled for. Formula fed or breastfed nay baby can be seseptible to getting sick. I've known breast fed babies who were sick ALL the time and visa versa. Anyway whole different issue.

To stay at home or not that is the question. It takes a special person who can stay at home and not pull their hair out. I've tried it bc my husband felt I should stay home but I've worked hard just about all my life so sitting still and being cooped up in a house wasn't for me. I've been trying to work on a business that I could do from home and then would put my youngest in a mom's day out program so that I could still work while he was there then be the SAH mom when he's there. Your life does change even if you do continue to work. You'll find that certain jobs just don't mix if you want to have a big part in your child's life. My cousin was a nanny for a family who had high profile jobs that they didn't want to alter and she spent 90% of the child's day with them. She even put them to bed at night bc parents were usually at a party or charity event of some sort. She mentioned one time that she felt bad for the kids bc they got whatever time was left over. Not to say that's what you would do but you have to look at not only job but also family life and make compromises. Whether you do your part on weekends or the evening when BF is home or you schedule it just during the work week so you are home at night etc. I'm not military but my brother is and there very rarely is a "regular work week" so you also need to take that into consideration. It's not bad to continue to work and daycare isn't the devil. Make a list of pros and cons of each and if it means altering your work so you are home on a regular basis but your still working then that's what you do. Ask yourself "How can I still do my work but fit it into X time slots/schedule?" Remember to breath.

I would say to do what makes YOU happy. If you are not happy as a stay at home mom, everything in your life will suffer!

If you marry someone in the military, it should be with the understanding that you will admire and respect his choice to lay down his life for his family. You can never complain about his absences, but be there to support him 100%. If you cannot do that then you must not look for a future with him. He deserves to have that support back home when he is under unimaginable stress when deployed.

Knowing that he is that kind of guy, it should come as no surprise to you that he would want the kind of mother for his child that would lay down her life for her child. He obviously doesn't put himself first and expects you to be the same. It's too bad that you didn't discuss this before having a child.

If you ask someone who works in daycare, they can tell you that nobody will care for your baby in that complete selfless way. As much as they might love children, it is a job, especially if they are responsible for more than just one child. Do you take care of your clients the way you take care of your baby?

Also ask that daycare worker how many of their babies call them "Mommy." Do you want your baby to feel more bonded to a daycare worker than they are to you? There's a sad name for daycares out there - they're called day orphanages. Chilling, isn't it?

If taking care of clients and celebrities brings you more joy (and feels like more of a life) than taking care of your baby, then I would seriously consider not having any more children. Some people are just not meant to have children and there is nothing wrong with that. I think that is why the subject of adoption came up.