Husband with Chronic Pain

My advice is...do what you can with what you have to do it with. That's been my motto for years, and it seems to be applicable in daily life and in various situations. If anything has to be done, I do it. When my husband was having to have surgeries every year and needed injections, I did it. Does the housework get done, not so much! Do I go out to meet friends and pursue personal interests? You betcha! One of his surgeons suggested a pain management clinic a few years ago, so I drove him 1 hr there, stayed for the various sessions, then an hour back, three times a week for 8 weeks. Not so helpful, but we tried. A., you need to let his pain belong to him and take care of yourself in order to be strong for the family. When he can't participate in family things, let it go and go on ahead without him. He feels bad enough without feeling guilty for having spoiled your (including the kids') fun. Be sure to include him in whatever is going on so he doesn't feel more isolated than he already does. The children need their father so don't keep them from him, thinking to "protect" him--he needs them as well and needs to be needed!

May God bless you!

Hi A.
My name is Evie and I can relate some to what you are going through. My husband has been to Iraq twice and has PTSD and has recently been diagnosed with BiPolar. It is a struggle everyday and it affects our marriage and our family life. I have open ears if you need to talk and I have been going through this almost two years now and would love to be able to share how we have gotten through it.. I have Yahoo if you would like to email me. Its ____@____.com. I have looked on here for along time for someone to talk and was never able too.... Hope to hear from ya soon..

What kind of advice are you looking for? It can be stressful - my husband has had so many surgeries that I now am supposed to do things like the lawn, shoveling, garbage, etc. On top of my other "duties" lol. I may be able to offer some assistance...

I may not qualify. I'm the one with disabilities. But even when they started manifesting, I didn't feel I had anyone to talk to either. And I've come to my own conclusions.
A., is his disability the reason for a marriage or family breakdown? In that I mean is he wallowing in self pity, angry at how he's been dealt a mean blow? Because if he can't get past his own personal demons, there's nothing you can do. If you're being shut out, is it breaking things down more? You need to set him down, find out these answers, and then you'll have a clue what to do. Does he value the marriage to want to cut out the stuff and have a brighter perspective? Or does he want to shut everyone out and be mad at the world? Get some answers. Then you'll have a little better picture. I'm the one who wants out, at my house, just because I don't want to eventually die with regrets or continuing with the same load of dumb stuff I have for years. And easing one's guilt is no reason to continue. And just because of my difficulties, hubby feels he should always be there. Long story. But in any case I'm doing therapy to reverse my disabiity. And my mind will be just as certain then as it is now. Sometimes it just doesn't work and why be unhappy year after year.
I wish you the best. It isn't easy I know. But offering an ultimatum might loosen his tongue and get him answerng some vital questions.

My husband is bi-polar and can have both good and bad days even when on medication. The bad days he sits on the couch and barely functions. He does what needs to be done to take care of the kids when he's home with them alone, and his basic needs - but that's about it. We've gone through stretches (days or weeks) where not only am I responsible to go to work, but all the household chores as well.

My only advice - talk, keep the lines of communication open between you and your husband. You also need to be understanding. Is it possible for him to take medication for the chronic pain that makes it easier to cope with at least? Feel free to contact me if you want to vent or advice on another situation.

You did not tell much as to what exactly is wrong with your husband, and does it interfere greatly with family uties. Pain is very individual. My husband had a severe bout with a rare cancer and a serious heart issue. Fortunately our children were older and very helpful. He had a positive outlook and I supported him the best I could. He is in remission now, thank the lord. We never gave up even when a couple of doctors did. Keep being as positive as possible and believe in the power of prayer. Get a prayer chain started. No church is too small to start one.

Hi A., I'd be willing to listen. In our marriage, I'm the one with the chronic pain. Maybe I can give a different perspective. Let me know. I'm a Christian, married 18 years with 6 kids of varying ages. L.

I grew up in a home where my dad had 2 major back surgeries and lots of pain, so much that he could quit work (as a physician) and get on full time disability. I won't deny his pain, but he never tried to do anything with his life at that point, and when he was forced a few years later to start working at least part time, he never tried to make his office work because he didn't want to be successful and loose his disability check. This happened eventually as well, but the laziness he learned from being disabled really was a drawback in his life. He has still not recovered financially and works full time as an ER doctor making GREAT money. It had a very negative impact on our family - especially for my brother who feels entitled to things he has not worked for.

Now obviously many people truly do need disability, but it can certainly be h*** o* not only their families but on themselves. My mom works as a Licensed Clinical Counselor, and one of her jobs was in a crisis stabilization facility. Many of her clients were in crisis due to needing disability and the process of getting it taking too long and then others who had it, but felt trapped since they wanted to work and do SOMETHING useful, but couldn't quite support themselves without disability. Its hard because most of us really want to be useful and work hard, and when we can't do that it is mentally upsetting.

I'll be sure to keep you and your husband in my prayers. I know it is tough. I'm not sure what the specific issues are, but I'd be glad to talk to you and offer what support and encouragement I can! God bless!

Hi A.,

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's pain and your having to live with it. As you may or may not know, pain is a function of the brain. When something hurts, it sends a signal to the brain, then the brain says "ouch". Pain med's don't get rid of the pain, they block the signal to the brain (that's why they make you feel loopy). The problem is, pain med's, by nature, keep requiring more & more to stop the signal so eventually, they don't work and you are addidicted. We've been researching Neurofeedback. It's a process to retrain the brain. We aren't looking at it for relief of pain, we are looking at it for severe depression and Reactive Attachment Disorder for our adopted daughter. But, as I've read about it, I've read a lot about how it is very helpful for easing chronic pain. There is a place in Ann Arbor that does it. Their website is www.eegspectrum.com. It might be worth looking in to so you all can get your quality of life back.

Good luck!

L.

PS: It's all natural-no drugs, no shots. Our first appointment is 4/16 so if you want more information on it, drop me a line after that at ____@____.com

A.,

I can offer you several support places to try. The fact that you are trying to do something to improve your marriage is a good start. What city or township do you live in? What type of church do you go to?

You can e-mail me at ____@____.com

M. M.

P.S. I am also a stay at home mom of three miracle children who are 14, 9, and 8. Our 20th wedding anniversary is coming up in August. I am also a christian.

Hi A.,
I'm not sure what kind of pain/disabilities you are refering to. Is it mental or physical or both? I have been there in both situations and like you have not had anyone to talk to, but I'm here to listen and maybe if I can give some advice or at least some comfort in knowing that there are others who do share in the struggle you are going through. If you would like to contact me privately maybe we can share stories and be great support to eachother. I know it is difficult, but hang in there. My e-mail address is ____@____.com

Dear ,
I might be able to help your husband with his pain.
If interested e-mail me back
Thanks,
C.

Dear A.,
I am so sorry to hear about your Husband's chronic pain... I have heard that people who live have spouses with terminall illnesses or chronic pain get much help from counseling. (Christian counseling)-probably to help deal with the guilt feelings they have for feeling good...or wanting/needing to take time. God Bless you. What a gift you are to your husband and 2 kids..you have a hard lot and a difficult trial you are going through and seeking Godly advice. I'm praying right now that you will find a support group/prayer support that will help keep your arms up! Try journaling so one day you will be able to help others, too. God Bless!

Oh A. was I transported back in time when I read your request. My husband has three disks missing in his back (we didn't know it at the time)3 or 4 times a year his back would seize up and one shoulder was in very bad shape. One, yes one time we went roller skating with our son. My husband fell and injured his shoulder again. I had been taking his refusal to play very personally and now I get to feel guilty about insisting so that he was injured again. YIKES

I did take his quiet irritation very personally. I never knew until we were married for about 15 years that every day of his life he was in pain that most people would be on serious drugs for.

So, I would be very willing to listen. Please feel free to call. 3-6 or 8:30 evenings are best for me. What works for you?

I know exactly how you are feeling. I have been with my BF for 5 years now, and getting married soon. He is in pain everyday with some days being worse then others. His was passed down from genetics and it is a back problem that can not be fixed with surgery, so he has to live with it for the rest of his life. Over the past five years I have noticed it has got worse since I met him. His because in his family tree a few generation back there was inbreeding and the birth defects were carried on after the cycle of inbreeding was broken. All of his sisters and brother have the same thing, and one of his three daughter's has it also his cousin has it. His sister and cousin all take pain pills to deal with it, but he does not like putting substances in his system and only take something when he really needs it. I don't know what kind of problem you man has, but I can tell you this cause me and mine communicate very well and he is honest with me about how he is feeling. He tells that dealing with this on a regular basis can bring a person down and some days just be so sick of dealing with the pain. I can imagine cause I now just how I feel with migraines. My man hurts from doing to much activity and too little. When it is from doing too little he had to move in order to feel better and when he is doing too much and hurting he has to sit in his comfy chair and relax. I know how stressful it can be on me as well as for him, so I know how you are feeling. I get frustrated when it effects our spending intimate time together, and so does he. He does sometimes deal with to have that quality time together when the pain lasts for days. He also does do the laundry, fixes things in the house, remodels the house, and mows and cleans the yard, so it does not bother me to say on those days that he is in more pain then normal to just kick it back and relax. I would rather deal with the chronic pain then deal with a cheating husband. My ex cheated and lied in which just created arguments. My new man's pain is nothing to me cause I couldn't find a better caring and loving man. My advice to you it if this pain can be corrected them take that route, but if not try working with him on this cause it is not just not easy for you to deal but him as well. Work something out like if he if having a good day with less pain have him help out then and when he is in a lot of pain do stuff to help him out. I found that compromising works wonders in this type of situation. If you ever need anyone to talk to just send me a message.