Marriage: What's It like for You?

Updated on November 27, 2014
L.K. asks from Lafayette, CA
20 answers

Hi, I'd love to hear from people who have been married for 10+ years.

What are the hardest experiences you've been through during your marriage? Have you been through life changing experiences that have either tested and/or strengthened your relationship?

What are the biggest challenges your marriage has come up against?

How do you find forgiveness in your marriage? I'm specifically referring to letting go of past hurt from a fight or conflict.

Thanks =)

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M.H.

answers from Dallas on

We've been married for 17 years. the biggest challenges for us have been having/raising kids and dealing with his parents (he is an only child and parents were super focused on him versus having their own lives). The biggest struggle for me personally is not being able to accept that the workload within the marriage is not 50/50. It feels more like 90/10. I always read that you shouldn't keep tabs on who's doing the most work but I suspect the people who say that are the ones doing the 10%.

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J.G.

answers from Chicago on

We're working on 14 years. I think the hardest part is not comparing jobs. I tend to get upset when I realize that hubby gets more me time, gets to sleep in, etc. When I remember that we just have different stresses, that we are both doing the best we can, I let go of any resentments and just feel blessed.

We've had rough stops. No grudges, luckily, but I think we both are in this for the log haul, so you can't really hold onto anger and pains. You have to look forward.

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W.W.

answers from Washington DC on

Married 17 years this past October.

Hardest experience? Loss of my husband's job and he was unemployed for 10 months. We went through all of our savings...we focused and worked together but it was hard!!

Challenges? Loss of three babies. Especially the loss at 22 weeks. I was all over the map in feelings and almost forgot that HE experienced the loss too...

Forgiveness? It's hard, because you can say "I'm sorry" but if you do it again, are you really? And then you can't just forget - when you get angry - it pops back up in your brain and it festers again. You then have to say "I am committed" and press on. You can express your hurt or even that "hey, this past issue is rising it's ugly head, we need to talk about it." and get it out in a way that doesn't admonish them again for their past mistake or hurt.

Hope this helps!!

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S.S.

answers from Chicago on

I've been married just about twenty years to my husband. When we met he spoke only Spanish and I spoke only English. Perhaps it would have been easier if it stayed that way!! just joking. Not sure how to go on without writing pages so I'll briefly address your questions.Hardest experiences were most definitely some of the challenges of raising my children together and dealing with my exhusband. A lot of emotions.We also had to deal with deaths, my illness, his father being in a coma for six years and his subsequent death, my father's death, my uterine cancer, my son's bipolar disorder and my oldest son being in the Navy for six years. And between us all of the drama of our relatives, brothers and sisters, cousins, etc. And we both learned eachother's language!
The only difference between people who get divorced and people that don't is that they don't. Everyone has problems. Everyone suffers through loss and grieving and shares happy moments and joy.
We are Christian and feel God forgives us over and over. And that is what people must do in life-especially in marriage. Forgive forgive forgive.
Happy Thanksgiving! Thank you for reminding me of what I am grateful for!

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H.W.

answers from Portland on

My husband and I have been together for 13 years. We were both previously married and we realized early on that we would do well go get started with couple's counseling because even at the onset of our relationship, we were committed to being together.

That said, we had to really work at learning how to be together constructively. I'd say that our biggest challenges were the following:
1. Someone in our social group was sexually inappropriate with me and this was very difficult for both of us to deal with. My husband was the leader of that group and I had been molested before, so we were both at a bit of a loss as to how to deal with our own feelings/responsibilities in that situation.

2. I have anxiety which was untreated for quite a while. We had to learn how to communicate in a way which took into account my need for predictability and his need for autonomy.

3. We suffered a miscarriage, which was horribly devastating. We both learned that we have very different ways of grieving and dealing with loss.

4. Parenting-- being on the same page, not making our child the center of everything. Finding balance and not letting parenting issues become all-consuming.

5. For both of us-- feeling heard and listened to. Finding a way to make sure our actions are following up what we agree to.

I find forgiveness for things that have hurt or that have happened when I see that my husband is sincerely sorry. Not with words, necessarily, but more like when my son apologizes and I ask him "what's the best way to show you are sorry?"-- "Don't do it again/any more." I think a lot of our growth is in doing what we say we are going to do.

I also remember that this is a man who I do love and respect, and who doesn't generally going around doing things to hurt my feelings on purpose. I know he is worthy of the benefit of the doubt, so while I might be angry or frustrated about a situation, I also know that he shows himself to be a pretty straight player and good guy. He's as loyal as the day is long. I trust that he isn't looking for ways to ruin my day or upset me. He wants family harmony and my ease just as much as I want his. So, perhaps it is that deep sense of trust and commitment, backed up by our actions, which keep us going through the hard parts. An understanding that we are both our own people who are going to do things in different ways and that we both love each other deeply but *aren't* each the other, if that makes sense. He doesn't need to be able to read my mind, nor I his, and we can communicate our needs in a respectful and reasonable way.

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S.W.

answers from Amarillo on

It is a journey for life. An analogy would be a wild roller coaster ride where you hang on for dear life on the turns.

Every marriage is different because of the two people involved. The longer you are married the more you have in common and the more you should begin to know each other.

Children change how the man/wife relationship works as there are times when things just don't go as you plan or wish them to be.

Health issues come in many sizes to major for any member of the family. When the major illness happens with flight for life all you can do is to hang on and pray and believe in a higher power. My husband had two major surgeries within days of each other and it took all we had to make it emotionally. The financial was not so bad but maintaining the medical coverage for about three months was a hard deal but we made it and he made it. We were able to get the disability from Social Security due to the types of issues he had the first time around. That was a godsend.

We have had our differences in how things should operate but we did not fight with each other. It was just the way we are.

All the things that have happened to us have strengthened us and we have come out the other side as two young newly weds after 43 years together including 23 years in the military with all of those challenges.

the other S.

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S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

we've been married for 28 years, together for 32. our toughest hurdles were parenting small kids while working like galley slaves and still not having enough to get by, and a bout of depression i lumbered around with for a couple of years. we had a rough row to hoe, and it almost unraveled at one point. we were lucky to find a GREAT marriage counselor who helped give us the tools to turn it around.
we haven't ever done anything heinous enough to each other to cause big gaping wounds that required a ton of forgiveness. but we're humans, and neither of us is perfect, so i assume my husband does something similar to what i do- sigh and remember all the good qualities that far outweigh the occasional wart.
wish i had something big and helpful to offer!
khairete
S.

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L.H.

answers from Abilene on

We've been married 22 years. It's been great and we've had our challenges. Fighting for custody of his daughter was very hard. When she decided to go back to her mom and wreck her life that we had tried so very hard to help her out of - very hard.

We are self employed and have started another business that right now is sucking all the energy out of both of us (as well as financially) is hard. We are growing and learning and have another business that has been providing well for 17 years so having to struggle with this second one is a new strain.

I think it is key not to allow oneself to be held captive of past mistakes. Forgiveness is essential for mental well being. I can tell you from experience holding onto past hurts is detrimental to you. Your not being able to let go might mean you don't have tools in place to help you get past it. Counseling is great for that as well as working on communication. If you don't think you can do that then maybe look at a marriage seminar weekend. Sometimes a person who is doubtful about counseling has such a positive experience at those seminars it opens them up to the possibility of continued counsel.

I find if I'm having a hard time to concentrate on what's good. Also bearing in mind to treat others with the same grace I want to receive when I screw up. Kind of like the old saying Lord, help my words to be sweet as honey for tomorrow I may have to eat them. :) Count my blessings and look in the mirror. Like Suz said. Much more good than the occasional wart.

Blessings to you!
L.

8 moms found this helpful

T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Our marriage was actually pretty easy and good for the first 10 to 12 years or so, when the kids were little and sweet and most of our "troubles" were minor and easily solved.
But having teenagers has put a LOT of stress on our relationship. We have a hard time agreeing on priorities, expectations/consequences, and how to best communicate with the kids, and of course we simply WORRY about them a lot, because we know this is an age of taking risks and not always making the best choices. With two in college money is way tighter and that of course creates more stress.
Even so, we are pretty good at forgiving each other. Neither one of us really holds a grudge, so I guess that's not a problem for us. I think if anything we get into trouble when something bothers us and rather than discussing or confronting it we let it simmer, and then of course one day, BAM. It comes out in a totally angry and inappropriate way. Not good :-(

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M.D.

answers from Washington DC on

I typed up a whole thing and realized it was too much. We have been through a lot of hard things. Unfaithfulness, unemployment, an older child that my husband didn't find out about until she was 12 (we had been together 8 years at that point I think). All of them are hard and trying, but all of them and working through them, have gotten us to today.

We got through all of those with counseling. The last time we focused on communication so we could really talk about our issues and concerns without it being a huge fight. I can say our relationship is much stronger than it ever has been. This is how we found forgiveness, by being able to communicate better, we can at least work through the issues.

My husband is currently unemployed, but he is working hard to find a new job. It's still tough sometimes though!

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S.S.

answers from Atlanta on

25 years of marriage here. Tyler and I will both admit his deployments were the high and lows of our marriage. High because it made us appreciate the other and low because it was hard being apart months at a time and me taking care of the boys by myself.

Forgiveness? It's easy to give. Hard to forget. Tyler and I haven't had cheating issues. We've had financial problems, he didn't like the way I handled money during one of his deployments. While money is not a huge trigger for us, it can be touchy. We are lucky because we made money off the sale of our home in California before we moved here to Georgia and we have his USAF Retirement, so if he lost his job? We would still be okay.

The deployments, like I said, were our biggest tests. Having kids later was good for us too. We really had a chance to be US before we were parents. We have friends who had kids right away and now are dealing with empty nest syndrome and having a hard time since they have focused much of their marriage on their kids.

I know it's hard to let go of hurt. You use it as a wall to protect you from getting hurt again.

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M.M.

answers from Chicago on

DH and I have been married for 10, together for 16.
The biggest thing I can say is that you have to allow the other person to change, and be willing to go along with them.
People change as others come in your lives. Needs change with jobs, kids, friends, etc....
You have to be able to allow the other person to do what they need to feel whole. And sometimes that involves spending more time with other people than they do with you.

And overall, you have to respect one another. And that includes opinions from past arguments. You don't always have to agree, but you do have respect a differing opinion from yours, and you have to compromise without being bitter about it.

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D.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

For me, the key to forgiveness and letting go is to step back, look at the entire situation, and recognize my part in the disagreement. It does indeed take two to tango (not including abusive relationships of course).

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L.U.

answers from Seattle on

I have been married for 12 years and we have 3 kids (ages 12, 9, and almost 4).
We have been through quite a few hard experiences. Before we even got married we were involved in a horrible car accident that almost claimed our oldests son's life. We were in the hospital for 2 months with him on life support and in recovery.
My husband was a raging alcoholic and drug user before we got married. He quite, cold turkey, before we got married. Our first year of marriage was VERY rocky. He was a grump, mean, and spiteful. We had no idea what we were doing with a baby that needed LOTS of extra attention and he was in withdrawal for a year, I swear!
We fought a lot our first 4 years and finally went to group counseling. It was a life saver. We were finally able to communicate and see each other's points of view.
We mosied along for a while, content and happy. Had another child. About a year and a half ago I started feeling really shitty. horrible. For about 6 months I was just holding on. Crying for no reason, angry, yelling at my kids, miserable to my husband. In January we had a big talk, my husband and I, and we were on the brink of divorce. He dreaded coming home to me, my complaining and nagging. I did some serious soul searching and finally went to see my doctor. It turns out that I was suffering from severe depression and anxiety. I went on medication and that was a life saver. I went back to school, I don't hear those hurtful voices in my head, I am happy.
Or relationship is stronger than ever.
See, marriage is work. I stayed by his side as he struggled with addiction and sobriety, he stayed by my side through depression and anxiety. We love each other. There are lots of hurts in the past, mean things that we have probably said to each other....but under all of that there is love. We just remember that we are in this for the long haul. We love each other, we love our kids, we love the life we have created. If that means that we need to do some work to strengthen our relationship then we do it.

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M.B.

answers from Austin on

We've been married for ...... let me see....... got married in 1981, so that makes 33 years, right?

I think the thing that worked for us was realizing that we were in it for the long haul...... we didn't go in thinking that if it didn't work out, we could get a divorce...

However, neither of us (as far as I know) did anything like have an affair, or had problems with drugs or alcohol, or were abusive to each other.

Forgiveness? The forgiveness is for you...... not the partner...... it really hurts YOU to carry all the baggage of past hurts.

Hardest things in the marriage? Not really sure....... we have 4 kids, so there were a lot of stresses..... and hubby was laid off from good income producing jobs twice... (he was an engineer)..... that causes a lot of stress... but we worked through it.

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L.A.

answers from Austin on

I just saw an article that said, "loving the right person is not hard and not a job".

We have been married 33 years have loved each other since we were 13. We have had ups and downs. The downs mostly his mother. She never approved of me.

But his grandparents were awesome and completely embraced me. That is what gave us strength. We had communication problems and immaturity when we first married. Marriage counseling helped tremendously. Neither of us had seen a healthy marriage, except for his grand parents. We needed guidance.

I fall back in love with my husband over and over. He is a good man. He helps others. He is empathetic. He can laugh at himself. He loves me unconditionally even though I am emotional, opinionated and a royal pain sometimes.

Right now we are getting ready to move for the first time in about 30 years. He is stressed and I am constantly saying, this is going to be fine. We are ahead of schedule. He is all doom, Doom,doom. But then I give him a hug and a kiss and he smiles.

When I am stressed he asks "how can I help" ?

We have ways of communicating without words.
It is not always easy. He can get on my last nerve. I have a dear friend that is a criminal defense attorney and I have warned her, I may end up in the Travis County lock up, so be ready.

I guess you can tell we are passionate people. We speak our minds, but also know and tell each other, sometimes we are just venting.

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M.P.

answers from Asheville on

I've been married for 13 years. I think our biggest challenge (but most rewarding) hands down is being parents. Our first was a surprise, so our life changed so drastically and unexpectedly. It really turned us upside down. We always say that if my son's severe colic didn't end our marriage, nothing will.
I have to also say that our marriage has never been hard or challenging. We hear people say that you have to work at a marriage, and that it's difficult. But for us, it's really not. I can't really say I have ever had to work at our marriage up to this point. Now, I'm not going to say that this won't ever change, but until now, we have had a pretty happy marriage. We do have our spats, but we never stay mad and we use humor a lot to iron out our differences. We just can't hold a grudge with each other. We are pretty good-natured that way. We were older when we married (late twenties) so I think that really worked to our advantage when we married.

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L.C.

answers from Chicago on

Married 10 years. Lots of challenges but still held it together. I have to ask God to help me all the time because i wonder if i gave up my single life for a life of annoyances. But we have 3 kids and i want to always keep my family together with a happy life. It is a choice. You have to think about whats important. Your kids, your husband, being a solid family. I want them to grow up better than i did. I dont want them seeing anger and resentment. So we work together to get through conflict, as hard as it may be. Our biggest fights have always been over in laws. It still bothers me today but ive learned to handle it better. My faith has saved me from going off the deep end. My advice is to keep your faith if you have it. If not, get it. Id probably wouldnt be married without mine.

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M.C.

answers from Detroit on

We have been married ten years. This is a second marriage for both of us. Our toughest challenges have been losing both of our mothers and going through a custody battle with my ex. Now, we also have two boys of our own who make our world.:). We are very hands on and devoted to our boys. We do not have many close relatives, so it's just mainly our little family.

My husband and I have the usual marital conflicts like he doesn't help enough around the house and he spends too much time playing his computer games when he should be doing some chores. I find myself overwhelmed at times and end up blowing up at him. We then bicker and let it go. We don't stay angry at each other for long since we are both very anxious pieces of works. Once we get all of the tension out, we are good again. Life is too short to stay angry--we both see it this way.

I am a very lucky gal overall. My husband works hard to provide so that I can stay home and take care of the kids. I realize that this is a luxury in this day and age. He doesn't know it yet, but I plan on returning to work in the next year, so that he can slow down in his career. So, I do have his back.

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R.B.

answers from San Francisco on

The biggest challenges had to do with child rearing (and could have been solved if certain people had good/proper communication skills. You can't resolve anything if one person refuses to listen to anything and will leave or even drive out of state to avoid even the simplest "conflict." I have no respect for people who can't listen to others). Differences in parenting philosophy, differences in involvement, poor parenting during the teen years (him).

I am still working on finding forgiveness, because things were never resolved when they needed to be, and there was ultimately a lot of water under the bridge.

Three things I'm finding are helping: One - time. Two - personal growth and change (him). Three - some great sex. It certainly helps.

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