Husband Troubles

I hear what you are saying. I have a full time job, plus the one at home and my husband still doesn't pick up after himself. if you get any good advice on how to get him to pick up his stuff I would love to hear it. My 8 year old says I have 3 kids (my husband included) sad that she understands that already.

Hi K.,

I've had that same "conversation" with my DH. This is how I won.

I lavished love and admiration on him. Not easy to do when his socks are all over the place and his razor is still on the sink. But I managed to tell him how wonderful he is for working so hard to support us and, how lucky his boss is to have such a great worker. And one more thing... I quit nagging him.

Trust me it's not easy to do. You have to say it and mean it. It took my DH about 2 weeks of this and one day he picked up his socks. So I thanked him like he gave me a new diamond.

All my husband wanted was to be appreciated. And once he felt appreciated he started doing things for me around the house. That he should do anyway, but felt I should do it since all I do is watch tv all day (we won't go there).

Women make stuff complicated and emotional. Men are much more simple, cut and dry. They also need to be told how much we appreciate them, not once in a while but every single day, several times a day.

I don't know the in’s and out's of your relationship, but I know this worked for me. Good luck and I hope you figure it out.

By the way! Thank you for staying home with your boy, that’s fantastic. Some just don't understand the awesome gift your giving your family.

Hi K., I know exactly what you are going through when I met my husband he had a cleaning lady. then when I moved in I did not see any reason why we should spend money on a cleaning lady. he still did his own laundry because she did not do laundry just bedding. then I guess he assumed that I was a ready maid. wrong! first I did, then he got where it was easier for him to just throw it on the floor. wrong again. so I got tired of picking up after him he did not do this when we were dating. so i just left everything of his in place where he left it. it was so hard for me because i am a clean freak. so one morning he got up he is franticaly looking for clean pants,underware, socks and says to me did you not do laundry I said yes but I did not see any of your clothes in there though. so he had to wear dirty clothes to work. then that night he came home did all the laundry and every since then he picks up his clothes and makes sure they get in the laundry now. and now on the weekends we alternate doing the laundry.which gives me a break. like I told him if you married me to become your maid you married the wrong person.it is a equal sharing position. and now 8yrs later he still helps. so give him a reality check. good luck~L.~

K.,
You have a job...you're a mother and wife. You don't get a paycheck for getting thrown up, doing the dishes, cooking meals, etc. If he went through half the stuff you did during the day, his work would have to give him hazard pay. :) There are some husbands that are like this and changing how they view their wives or significant others is impossible. It is possible to get him to start picking things up, but he's still going to view it as your job and probably do a lot of complaining. I have three children whom I stay at home with, but I work full time from home as well...I have two jobs. I find that they are equally difficult just for very different reasons. I would suggest sitting him down and discussing this with him. Tell him how you feel, what you are asking of him and open it for discussion. That is the best and really only thing you can do.

Hello,
It seems that you've gotten alot of responses and I glanced through just a few of them but I tend to agree with a lot of points. First of all you need to know that being a stay at home mom is the equivelent of working a full time job. (Just wait until you decide to have more.) Just because you aren't "bringing in any money" you are still taking care of your son so that he learns the values that you want to teach instead of a day cares. If you worked your son wouldn't have a strong family structure. If you are having trouble with your son just tell time he's a big boy and big boys pick up after themselves. Now to your husband. I had the hardest time when I got married and had kids. I couldn't understand why he couldn't do his dishes, put his laundry in the basket, etc. But I realized that as a SAHM it's MY job to do those things. He brings in the money and I take care to the kids and the house. When you think about it all the things you are upset about don't take that much time to fix by yourself...without the arguments. I hope this doesn't sound preachy and I hope you can work things out.
C.

I am a SAHM of 3. Maybe you should remind him that he actually gets to leave his jobs and come home and relax. Where as you are at your job 24/7 with no break unless he helps and/or relieves you. I'm not a die hard Dr. Phil fan or anything. But I like what he says about SAHM's. Being a stay at home mom is like working 2 full time jobs. I think it is good to give your husband some down time when he gets home. However, I really believe a lot of guys take advantage of their wives. They think if stay at home with the kids your not really working. As nicely as you can you need to try to get your husband to understand how much you do and that you don't get a break like he does. Good luck!

Addition: I agree with Jennifer M. Men respond very well to praise. I don't think there are very many exceptions to that rule. Praising him how hard he works to support your family is great too. I also agree that you should get away and let him see how hard you work. I don't know if you have many friends who stay at home like you do? I would recommend getting out with them just the moms on a regular basis. It will help you a LOT!!

Read Dr. Lauras 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands'. Someone else convinced me to read it and it really made a difference with BOTH of us

I would suggest leaving him a list of things to help out around the house posted on the fridge. Give him a reasonable time frame to complete the tasks, say three days or by the end of the weekend. I have found my husband likes to know exactly what I expect him to do, no nagging involved. So, if he sees it written on a list he can pick and choose what he wants to do and when, plus help you out while setting a good example for your son. I hope this helps!

Hi K.,
I get the same thing from my husband! Here is what I do: I try my hardest to make sure that he feels appriciated for what he does for our family. I massage his back almost every night and I tell him..."I appriciated you", or "thank you for working so hard for us." So I have nuetralized him from saying "you don't appriciate what I do." Then I asked him to please not use that I stay home against me. He knows it is what is best for our family so I told him to not use it as a weapon against me, because trust me, I work too! Then I started telling him how important it was to me to get some help around the house, even if it was just picking up after himself. He still goes through helpful times and lazy times. When he gets lazy I start loading all the dishes except the ones that he used, I put the clothes away except for his, and I leave the things he lays around there (unless it poses a danger or hazzard) until he realizes he needs to step up. There was a wife on Dr.Phil not too long ago with the same problem and he told her to put everything that he left laying around in a garbage bag and put them in the garage. We appriciate our men and we need to be appriciated too!! Don't ever feel that just because you stay home it means you are supposed to do everything! I have two kids NOT three!! Does this help?

Hi!

I'm a Work at home mom with 2 kids (8yo and 5yo) and have had the same argument with my husband over and over. He feels that since I work at home it is easier. (Ha, how about you take the 5yo to work with you one day) ANYWAYS, I just stopped asking. When I see him walking away from a mess, I just smile at him (annoyed smile) and walk over and clean it up right in front of him. It is a work in progress, but it is helping. I'm just tired of arguing and pick my battles. Also, the whole house knows, if your clothes are not in the laundry room, they will NOT get washed! :D

I am a SAHM to and we have a job big job being a SAHM, When you'r husband says he works so he should not half to work at home.picking up after your self is not working.That is just somthing that goes with being a person and that so rong to you because he should want to help you out so when he says this then say back to him well picking up after ones self should just be a given.Does he think u do nothing (I say this to my hubby some times and he thinks about what he says after)Does he not know how much SAHM do when it comes to laundry and dished and mentil doings for are children and cleaning making shere every thing is where it is sopost to be and sanitized making shere that u'r family is healthy and that goes with cooking......Remind him of just what u do and just because u do not bring in money that does not mean that u do nothing and remined him day care cost if u where to work so does pre school
and does he really want somone els rasing u'r child

and rember u are a mom and a wife not not not a made
GOOD LUCK
T.

My husband can be messy sometimes and I just sweetly remind him that he is setting an example for our daughter. He can not ask her to pick up after herself if he doesn’t do it. As for the working outside the home, I told him about how much it would be to hire a maid, cook, nanny, gardener, and personal secretary. It was way more money than he was making. I have the most important job in the word, raising the future. He has never said another thing about it. In fact now that I am working and expecting our second he went and hired a nanny who does windows to help me. Just try to approach the topic with love and humor. It is hard to get in a fight that way. I hope this helps and good luck.

If we were paid for all we do...there are studies galore online "valuing" what we'd be paid in an "outside job". Find a fefw and bookmark them. Have him read them. Better yet, get a part time job yourself and let him have the day shift with your child. Maybe he'll be singing another tune before long. I have both worked outside the home and stayed home and an outside job is easier. Guess what? Regular bathroom breaks, lunch breaks, conversations with other grown ups??? Do you have a quitting time now? Days off? He needs a serious reality check! Good luck, not in changing him but certainly in educating him!

I'm sure this situation is all too familiar for most of us moms and wives!! My husband seems to do better if I leave him at home with our daughter, because then he understands more what it's like to be responsible for the house. Also, I remind him that I don't come to his work, eat, then leave my garbage out, so he shouldn't do it in my "work"place!

One thing that helped me get my husband to see how much I do all day was to make a list of all the things I do daily, weekly, monthly. And then a list of what he does. Also, I found it helped when talking to your husband about helping out, use "I" rather than "You." "I feel....", "I need....", etc. (I read that somewhere and it worked for me.) I'm sorry I haven't any really great advice on this, my husband's ok about picking up after himself. He still drives me nuts though, most things I let go though because he used to be a lot worse. I've been working on him for 14 years now (dated 8, married 6) and when he was living with his mother I started working on him (my gosh he was a slob, but she's an enabler), telling him "how do you think your mom feels when you leave messes for her, is that fair to her," "why should she have to pick up after you." Yes, your husband works all day, but so do you and besides that doesn't automatically make you his maid. Let him know that his actions make you feel bad, like he doesn't value what you do all day - taking care of his house, his children, etc.

Also, K. I work from home partnered with a great team and company. Have you ever considered working from home? I'd be happy to get you the details about what I do. It would certainly help alleviate some of the financial stress off your husband. A lot of famililes I work with have actually been able to replace the incomes of both spouses, so that both can work from home (and both work only part-time).

There is alot of advice here and I dont know if you will get to mine, but, I dont think that NOT doing stuff for you hardworking husband that you LOVE is going to improve your relationship at all. Sure, if you dont do his laundry and he has to wear dirty underwear for a few days before gets it he might do his own laundry but not happily, and he will probubly resent you for it.And you can't complain when he turns your whites pink. He is not a child. He is a hardworking husband. He does work hard. He really doesnt understand how hard you work. My advice: Praise, praise, praise. My husband is a slob. Our house is a mess. It drives me nutty sometimes but I DO NOT complain to my husband. When he gets up to do something I ask sweetly "please, hon, could you grab those clothes there and put them in the hamper on your way to the bathroom?" and if he does it I THANK HIM. One time my DH picked up some dishes and put them in the sink and I said thank you thank you thank you and he got the hint and grabbed some more just to hear me thank him again. We ended up laughing about it and he got the hint.
Also, Taking a day or two away from home and letting him manage things is a good way for you to re-energize and him to understand how much work is involved in keeping the home running. Feeling negitive about the mess is going to affect the way you feel about your DH in general. If you let it, it will ruin your relationship and make you forget all the good things about your husband. You love him, and you are willing to help him. If you just cant keep up with it all, hire some help so you get a break. And just apriciate everything he does for you. Most men are a bit more messy then most women.
"The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura is a very good book and worth a read.

WOW! I can't believe NO ON responded to this. My husband was doing the same thing. It was driving me ablsoutely NUTTY! So, I stopped picking up after him. I stopped doing his laundry. I stopped doing all the things that he as a fully capable grown man can & should do for himself. After three days in a row of asking about clean socks & jeans, he got the clue. Bring up to him, that at his jobs, he doesn't do EVERYTHING! Just like at home, you can't be expected to do EVERYTHING. It takes a team to keep a business going & a family is serious business. As for the issue with your son not eating enough, I have a suggestion. If you live near Trader Joe's, go & buy a bottle of Green Plant & a bottle of Dynamo Plus Calcium. They are both juices. They are packed full of nutrients & super yummy!
Good luck with your boys, Momma!
S.

K.-

I know how you feel about asking your husband to pick up after himself, especially when you want daddy to be a good example to your son.

But being negative and feeling as if your husband were another child simply won't help. Negativity feeds on itself, and the more you feed it, the more negative you'll feel.

Try this - give the "picking up" thing a rest for a month or two. Just stop mentioning it. Try saying as you clear the table or picking up his socks, "Here, honey let me get that for you. You work hard to support us." Now he may be a pig and say "That's right." Or he may be so shocked he may not say anything. But being positive and respectful to him won't hurt you, really. When you back off on the negative talk to him, he'll stop acting like what you do doesn't matter. I know, I went through almost the same thing.

And as for your son, he sees You, his Mom, working hard every day to take care of him, feed him and love him. He may want to "help" you with your chores. Let him push the button on the washing machine or the dishwasher. Teach him to fold socks and show him where to put his toys away. He's at the age where he still wants to help you and he's young enough to still learn from his mom.

Just try being respectful to your husband and accept the teaching position as yours for the time being. You may see a turnaround in your spouse. I did.

Good luck and God Bless!
B.

Just tell your husband that your tring to teach your son how to clean up after himself and maybe he can help you that way.

I really pick my battles. I learned early in our relationship that He doesn't like dishes or laundry and not that I do but I don't have a problem getting it done. We have set up that since he is sacrificing his sleep to work and take care of the kids while I'm at work that I will do all of the house chores. I am greatful when he has time to do something. Which is usually a load of laundry or clean our room. If I get myself worked up when he sleeps in or watches TV it doesn't do our relationship any good so although every once in a while on a bad day I will blow up for the most part I just let is slide. Really how much mess does he make? I'm sorry if your husband doesn't help with anything ever but really all you can do is softly suggest on occassion that he do something otherwise it's nagging and that is less incentive for him to do something you want. Unfortunately sometimes the child technique works best lots of praise when he does something and maybe that will work.

Good luck