Husband Travelling a Lot..

I know how you feel. I am a SAHM of three kids all under 6 and my husband travels for work as well. He comes home every three weeks and gets to stay for about 4 days. I dont' get a break except for when the boys are in school. One goes full day and the other half, and then I have my 6 mo old baby girl. I am with them 24/7. Fortunatly though when hubby does come home, I go out with my friends for an evening or just go shopping by myself. Hubby and I don't get alone time except for when kids are in bed.

I totally know where you are coming from. My husband is a cargo pilot and he is gone 18 days straight a month. I am home 24/7 with a 3 year old boy and since summer vacation a 12 year old boy. Then when school starts it's fighting with the 12 year old to do his homework. My only release is going to the gym and out for coffee. When I do get time to myself, I go to the mall and window shop. It's so nice to just try on shoes and clothes w/o kids!!! I also walk a lot with or w/o the little one. Just getting out in the air helps.
Good Luck, I know it's tough!

Hello Stephanie!

I just want you to know that you are not alone in this problem. My husband has a very demanding job as well. I've learned that is a matter of attitude. My attitude to face the situation. I could get mad and frustrated at/with him and this is just going to make it worst! I try to think about all the positive things I love about my husband and also how hard is for him to be away from us eating out all the time, dealing with hotel's service ( it is awful some times) the airports and all the stuff that goes on in them. I try to have some compassion for him and all he does to feed our family.
Also, I do something with my self. I have a home based business just like you that helps me get some time away from my baby. I joined the local mom's club. They have activities along the month to get with other mothers and have some adult talk :-) while letting the kids play with each other. Research in your community you may have something like this in your area. It helps a lot to talk to other women.

I know how you feel is very challenging some times but we chose this road :-)

It will get better your baby is not going to be a baby forever, enjoy every moment :-)

If you want you could write me as well: ____@____.com

Very good luck to you. Our prayers are with you and your family !!

Congratulations on becoming a new mom!! I am 37 and I just had my third (and probably final baby). I love the experience of enjoying a baby all over again but the work that goes with it has caused me to also get a bit burned out.

I suggest that you try and seek out a reputable day care that you can leave the baby with at least once a week. In my area (Valley Stream) there is a daycare called Kiddie Academy and you are able to leave the baby there for eight hours for about $50. I also think that you should pack up the baby and take the 45 minute drive to your parents home. You can visit with them and make sure that the baby is familiar with them and pick up and go. Try getting your hair and nails done. Try going to a movie and having lunch. How about a nice walk in the park? Any of these things will help you have some much needed time to yourself and have the baby well cared for at the same time.

Your snapping at your husband is understandable because of the frustration. You don't want to begin to go through unnecessary marital strife because you need some "Mommy Time". Try continuing to communicate to him how you feel so he will know that it is nothing personal towards him but just frustration that goes along with the 24/7 care that you are giving. Perhaps a schedule can be worked out with him where he watches the baby at least five consecutive hours a couple of times on the weekend so that you can get some rest or just time to yourself.

Being a Mom is wonderful but it shouldn't strip you of your identity, it should really add to the person that you were before.

Good luck.

I am in similar situation. I am married to a college athletic coach who is gone a lot either for practice, games, or recruiting. When he's home he's either on the phone or glued to the TV watching games (from other universities and colleges) or game tape.

I would try to make friends with other stay-home moms/dads, and then make arrangements to trade "time-off" with them. You could watch your little one and their little one and allow the mom/dad to have an afternoon free. They could reciprocate by taking your little one for an afternoon. Some places also offer "afternoon/nights free" where you can drop off you little one for a few hours. I'd take advantage of that if you could. Costs a little money but well worth it, IMHO.

We just moved from Indianapolis to Staten Island two weeks ago. Both cities have a free guide that indicates for the month different activities going on. Reading the Fri-Sat-Sun newspaper should also tell you what activities are coming up in your area for the week too. In Indy, we signed up for yearly memberships to the zoo and children's museum, and went to the local library and parks system often for their toddler programs. We plan to do the same here. It seems that just getting out and being around others did wonders for the psyche. My daughter never gets sick of the zoo or museum, so that was money well-spent. I liked the local library's activities because I met moms and dads who lived close by and eventually started doing activities together, etc.

Don't forget the fairs and festivals that go on in your area too. My daughter and I went to several ethnic and religious festivals in Indy just for fun. We ate a lot of good food cheap, learned something about new cultures and religions, and talked to others who had little kids. I considered it a way to keep myself entertained as well as my daughter. It doesn't always have to be Dora or the Wiggles. :-)

If you have other moms in the area that you trust, you can do babysitting swaps. So for a few hours you might take care of their child and vice versa.

Y.

S.,
I understand your dilemma. My husband is an over-the-road truck driver and is home lately for about 4 days in a row once a month. It can create a real strain on relationships. I often times question if my husband understands what all I do. I run the house, take care of a 9 yr old and 12 yr old, work full-time, and volunteer for our visitation ministry at church. I have been doing it on my own for about 5 years now. Some suggestions for on your own time would be to find other mother's that may want to swap childcare time. You watch their children for a while and then they watch yours for a while. Do you have any neighborhood teenagers that could help with babysitting for some time to yourself? I also understand that it is hard not having family close to help out, we just moved to Erie in Febuary and all of our family is an hour away. It would be nice to have a "single moms" support group. I know that I could use a lift, sometimes it gets overwhelming. I often envy parents who have joint custody and the other parent takes the kids for a weekend. I also feel sorry for the single parents who don't have anyone to fall back on. We at least have a husband to help out if even for a while. Have you tried to communicate with yours and let him know how hard it is on your own? I also understand it could fall on deaf ears. (Mine always does.) Keep your chin up, you will have bad days and good days. The coping skills will come I know mine have. Would be happy to talk again if needed!

Hello, I am sure you probably got a lot of advice but I thought I would write you any way. I am a mother of 4 step mother of one and guardian of another. LOL! I am 35 and my husband and I have been married 15 years this month. I know exactly how you feel when it comes to being the only parent in the house most of the time. My husband is in the military. Just over 22 years now. It is so very important to take time for yourself every night even if it is reading a book for 15 min. or doing something you find relaxing. Have you ever tried writing in a journal at night putting in there your feelings and frustrations getting them down on paper is a way to release your anger and not take it out on your hubby, even though you don't mean to. Join a play group in your area. I belong to one and we get together once a week on Wed. the kids play and we relax and talk about all kinds of stuff not to mention they are going through a lot of the same things you might be. We also go out for a moms night out once a month and that is a blast and very well worth it. You said you have daycare, do you work full time? Take an extra half hour to unwind before picking up the little guy, treat yourself to a cappuccino or something and just listen to music. Do you have a close friend? It helps a lot to have someone to talk to besides your hubby. Very important for us woman!!!! I sure hope this helps. I would be happy to be an e-mail buddy if you need one. My hubby is gone right now too. I have 5 kids in my house and I also watch children so I can probably help in any subject. HAHAHA! Good luck.
M.

S. well girlie its had pretty much to be a single mom really at times my husband was a over the road truck driver and gone for weeks at a time when my youngest was a baby and i really didnt have help either from NO one and i have a older daughter too takes time but you will get used to being with your son alone and even when your husband is home its hard you feel like you need a break i know what u mean there maybe one of the weekend days your husband is home you can have a day too yourself go out with out your son and let your husband tend to the baby you need to talk with your husband on this and you two should come to a agreement right now you probably feel its not fair that your home and even when hes home your taking care of the baby on your own if you have a good relationship with your husband you should really talk with him and let him know how u are feeling is all and come to a agreement its hard when your world revolves around your son 24/7 i understand that i was alone for weeks at a time with my girls and i was the one up day and night when they were sick i really had alot of resentment that he was gone and not helping me but when he came back into town i had time away and it did some good even if it was a couple hrs away i love my children greatly but sounds like u just need some mommy time too yourself ....i am a full time single mom now i dont get no breaks from my girls ther 11 and 5 now and i have them 24/7 on my own no one helps me but i always say mommie needs a break and usually my mommie time is when there sleeping lol but thats still a hr outta the day i look forward too ....Hopefully you can talk to your husband and maybe come to a agreement most men thing that moms who are sahm dont do anything and there is alot of resentment there cause there out there working but its a full time job too be a mom and moms need a break too once in a while i wish you luck and i say you sit down and talk to your husband and let him know how u feel good luck :)

I can relate. My husband is a chef, and his hours are ridiculous. He goes in around 9am and doesn't get home until well after the baby's in bed. Peyton(my son) just turned 1, so this fall we're putting him in daycare one day a week. I think just having a day to myself will help tremendously. I know not everyone can afford daycare (especially on one income, like us), but we thought we could swing one day. I understand your frustration. Especially, when they're home on the weekends, but you end up still being on baby duty. I know this probably isn't much help, but at least you know there are others out there like you.

alittle time away from your baby makes a better mother i think

I am in the same boat but my husband is gone 2 to 3 weeks at a time.. i do the same thing to Al.. all my family is 8 hours away, so i know how you feel.. i have 2 boys ages 3 and 4 . it is hard. i get a babysitter if i need to go shopping maby 1 time a week. as for the snapping at the hubby thing, when he comes home go out and do something together alone.. try to enjoy the little time you have together. how long has he had this job?

if it bothers you or what ever bothers you tell him...
find some people in the neighbor hood that husbands are gone days at a time .. that will help to i have 2 neighbors that there hubby's jobs keep them away 24 to 72 hrs at a time.. wish you lived here things would be great ... if i think of other ideas i will let you know

just try to get asmuch alone time as you can

hope this helps L.

I went through the whole dad working weird hours and then coming home and not helping out thing myself. I would take long walks with my son or take him outside and play with him. As soon as his dad came home I told him I was going to the store to get something and then I left for anywhere from a 1/2 hour to an hour. That gave myself some time even if it was at the store. The funny thing was that I would come home with like a bag of apples or a gallon of milk. I did this every day until he finally caught on to what I was doing.

HI S.,

I am a mom of 3 grown children and I was in a similar situation many years ago. I wish someone would've suggested this to me - contact your local high school guidance office. Explain that you are looking for a mom's helper to help you out however many times a week with your child. The guidance office can either suggest this to students looking for a job but can't devote a lot of time to a job or put up a posting in thier office. It may cost you a few $$ a week but you will have someone there to help you out even if it's an hour a day just to go lock yourself in the bathroom and take an uninterrupted bath.

Hello S.,

I went through similiar circumstances after I gave birth, and I was snapping at my friends and family due to lack of sleep, and no time to myself. To be honest, the best way that I coped with it was being involved with playgroups, and being able to interact with other moms. Plus, I started to develop friendships with the other moms around me, my neighbors, and one mother in particular would watch my son off and on so that I could get some "me" time. Of course, this was after we had lunch and dinner for two months, once a week, sometimes three times a week. The best way is to get to know the mothers in your neighborhood and develop friendships, or join a moms group, develop friendships, so that once in awhile you can ask them to babysit, and do a babysitting swap. When I lived in Boston, MA, there was actually a group of parents who started a parenting resource network, mostly for parents to get to know other parents in the neighborhood so that they can buddy up with babysitting needs. Mainly, the cost of daycare being through the roof, and finding reliable babysitters, parents realized that if they relied on eachother, that is even better because they have children themselves, and wouldn't jeapodardize the life of someone else's child, etc. So, that is my suggestion, get to know parents in your area, join your local Family Network, and get involved. It takes your mind off of everything.

Hi S.-
My husband doesn't travel alot, but he is a police officer who works about 13 hours each day. The days he works, we don't see him, so I am with our two kids by myself, from wake-up to baths to bed...so I kinda know how this feels. My parents live three hours away, so I don't have any help either. I also work as a teacher, so I feel that stress, too....One thing that I found helps alot during the summer, while I've been home, is meeting other moms for playdates, or even having them come over. Your son might still be too little for that, but there is solace in knowing that the bigger he gets, the more fun he will get and will be able to do more things by himself, as well as talk to you! On days my husband isn't home, I look forward to bedtime so that I can take a bath, read a book, not have to cook!! (that's a big one), or just veg out and watch tv. I know it is so stressful, but what I would try to do is find an errand to run each day, and if I didn't have that, then I would take us on loooong walks. When my husband is home, I have to force myself to hand off the kids more than I normally would, just because I'm so used to doing things myself. The older you son gets, the more you'll get used to having a little one in the picture and life will settle down. Let me know if you want to talk more! Good luck!

Hi S.,
It looks like you have got a lot of great advice. My husband works a lot and for the first 6 months of my son's life I was a single parent basically while he worked. I completely understand how you feel. The one thing that helped us a lot was communicating and understanding each others roles. I think you should talk to your husband about how much it bothers you and try to understand why he has to travel. In the beginning, I was so sleep deprived that all I could think was that he wasn't there to help. But after a few months of that irritation building up we sat down and talked. I realized very quickly that my husband was trying to contribute the best way he knew how. He was working all those hours so that I would not have to worry about the bills for awhile and could stay home with my son. He also admitted that he thought I could give our son better care than he would know how to. When I started to look at the situation reasonably I became very greatful to him. If he didn't work like that sometimes, I would have to leave my son every day and I would be totally miserable. So although it is certainly hard at times, there are also a lot of perks too. You get to witness all the little moments first hand. Like the first time my son smiled, I was there etc. And I learned to keep my husband involved in all those moments in other ways. I would call a lot with updates and send email with pictures from the day. I think sometimes husbands have a really hard time admitting they don't know what to do with a baby (they don't have that natural instinct like we do) and so their first instinct is to provide for us in other ways. I'm not sure how old you son is, but as they grow, it definitely gets easier. They become more interactive and the moments the two of you will share are amazing! Hope that helps...S.

Hello. I am in a very similar situation. My husband is away Mon-Thurs and so I am a single mother working full time during the week. I'm a resident so I am frequently on call during the weekend. It can be VERRRY stressful on us and the relationship. I try to set up dinners once a month or so with my friends when I can get additional child care. I also take time for myself every once in a while and get a massage or pedicure when I feel like I can't take it. I find that just talking or getting emotional support is very helpful. If you would like to get together or chat sometime we could.

S.,
My husband is military and is constantly flying overseas. He's gone anywhere from 5-21 days at a shot. In a lot of aspects, I'm basically a single parent. My closest family is 2000 miles away. There are a couple things you can do to ease your stress level. First of all, get some adult interaction each day. Whether its a playgroup, mom date or just calling a friend. You need to talk to a adult each and every day! Secondly, take a few minutes all to yourself each day. Babies sleep! Get a few minutes of just relaxing, paint your nails.... something for you. Finally, when your husband is home, get him to watch the baby so you can go (gasp) to the store alone or even just a drive. I find that when I start snipping at my husband for his traveling, I just need some time alone! 10 minutes out of the house alone can do wonders. I sometimes forget that I need to take care of 'me' too so that I can be a good mom to my boys! Keep your chin up and let me know if you need to vent! I'm always happy to listen and sometimes a person just needs to be heard!

T.

When my son was little we were in a play group which was a great resource. After the moms and kids got to know each other well we would trade time, using popsicle sticks to keep track of hours.

Another thing that has worked well for me is to hire a mother's helper. There are several kids in my neighborhood who are too young to babysit on their own, but can come over and play with my son if I am home. They charge between $1 and $5 an hour. This gives me a chance to do laundry, read a novel, or just relax.

Hang in there.

My husband is in the Military and obviously is gone for large periods of time. The best you can do is get a support system going. My husband was deployed when my son was born and my daughter was only 10 mths old. I had no family in the area and it was extremely hard. I was incredibly depressed and alone. We now live in PA and the first thing I did when I got here is get to know some moms. A really good site is meetups.com - it's by city and you can join existing playgroups or stay at home moms and get lots of support from women who know what you are going through!!! Or you can start your own group. But you do need to get out there and introduce yourself. Good luck, I hope this helps, it did work for me - I have peace of mind now!!!