Husband Snores and Sick of It, Ready to Leave

N., not getting enough sleep makes things worse than they are, for both of you. I fall asleep as my head hits the pillow and snore; one time apologized to my husband for snoring and he said he didn't mind it because he then knew i was resting. Some people aren't resting though, their snoring is a sign of problems. Let him read these posts and give him a choice - get help or you'd move to another room until the snoring gets better. A good nights sleep makes the next day much nicer from the beginning. Maybe you wouldn't want to run away after a routine of good sleep. Good luck.

Wow....so many things run through my mind in reading your request. Obviously you are very unhappy in the way you currently live your life.

20 years is a long time to walk away from. Have these problems always existed or did you only begin to notice them after you retired?? Or, did the problems begin recently? If you are sick of it now, it must have been ongoing for months at least.

I guess, though...my first question is do you still love your husband? The reason I ask this is because while you listed your complaints and want suggestions on how to resolve it, you never once mention how much you love your husband.

As for your happiness and the things you want to do so your life isn't dull any longer. Go do them. Your husband is not responsible for your happiness, you are. You may wish to enjoy some of these things with your husband...but have you talked to him to decide if they are things he has ever wanted to do? If not find a friend with similar intrests and enjoy them with the friend.

Regarding his not helping around the house and "wanting to sleep half his life away", Haveyou always done everything and maybe now he's retired too and can help out. Have you discussed changing household duties so you can both have part of the day either to yourselves or to do something you both enjoy together? If he is still working are his hours such or the work a type of physical labor that leads him to want to rest when he is home??? Then maybe some chores that will balance out odd hours or physical labor (maybe he can keep help the kids with their homework and you clean the house...stuff liek that...

The sleeping thing (that he wants to sleep all the time) could be that he is not resting enough because of the snoring or it could be a sign of depression. Only a sleep study will give you more information on that...IF he still has his tonsils and adnoids you might consider having them removed...enlarged adnoids can block the are passage causing sleep apnea and temporary loss of air into the lungs. Which makes the snoring worse. Deviated septums do the same but in a different area. Both of these can be fixed with surgery.

I do, however suggest you two seek couples therapy. If he refuses to do that, you might want to see someone on your own, so you have a safe place to vent your frustrations which will allow you to better focus on what you want, what you are willing to live with and what you won't.

I hope this did not come across to harsh...but there is so much not said in your request...I hope you are able to work things out in the best interest of both you and your husband and I hope you find the happiness you seem to be searching for!!! ;-)

Most of us can find reasons to be angry, unhappy and want to leave a marriage. I've been fortunate enough to have a close friend who knows me that would speak truth into my life at those times, then I've been able to do that for others. It's been my experience and my observation that we are much more of the problem than we even realize, that happiness is much more about our attitude than what is going on in our lives, that in all of life's circumstances we can always find something to complain about and we can always find something to be grateful for.

I'm thinking of a young friend whose husband was seriously injured on the job a year ago when a chunk of metal flew into his face. He's on his 9th surgery with the doctors trying to repair everything from his neck, his jaw, and giving him false teeth that he's so happy to get. They are both grateful when he gets to eat solid foods after weeks of baby food and when he comes through surgery and didn't get an infection, when they get to sleep together.

I can also think about someone I know who has been married over 40 years to a man who has treated her well, she's never had to work because her husband has been a good provider, she's controlled the money and gotten to purchase what she wants and travel whenever she wants. This woman can't see anything good in her marriage or her life. She keeps talking about ending it all.

May God grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I hope you will be able to acess yourself and your situation with honesty and clarity and that you will have the courage to do more things you enjoy!

I went through a great deal with my husband but I can truly say I'm glad I stayed!

I have also experienced this!!! My husband is 38 years old and wears a C-Pap every night to sleep. Before he was tested for Sleep Apnea, I was miserable!! So was everyone else that would attempt to sleep in the house. I think the real eye-opener for him was when he went on a week-long hunting trip with his friends and they all told him how loud he was. Not to mention, he would fall asleep during the day, was extremely grumpy - NO FUN!!! Does he say WHY he doesn't want to wear the c-pap? I know we went through a few different face masks and also had to have the machine adjusted before it was comfortable for him. The doctors told him that he was actually "dying" in his sleep several times per night which convinced him to wear the mask. It also weakens your organs - mainly your heart when your body is that tired. I hate to hear that you are having problems with him, but maybe you should call his doctor and get more information for him so he realizes the risks and also tell him (as I am sure you have already done!!) how you feel - sounds like you are flying solo with the kids, the household while he sleeps...let him know that you want to enjoy your life with him and you can't if he is asleep or doesn't feel well. Good luck and let me know if you need the info for my husband's doc - he is in Conroe.
~K

Lack of sleep will make you want to run and keep running from your life. Just know that this lack of sleep is affecting your judgement and you might not make the best decision for you and yours. Your husband isn't sleeping and it is affecting every area of his/your life. You aren't sleeping well and it is affecting every area of your life. This in turn affects your kids. Don't leave your husband over these things! Your kids and your marriage are too important. Slow down. Take a night out at a hotel to catch up on some sleep. Find a way to stay together, love one another, and "share a bed" even if you aren't sharing a bedroom. Start doing some things for yourself. But, also start doing some things just for your husband, just to reignite your fellowship. You'd be amazed how it can start to turn things around. I recommend the conference and books at LoveandRespect/Breaking the Communication Code for both of you, loveandrespect.com. I also highly recommend the book Created to be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl at nogreaterjoy.org for yourself. Your life can change wonderfully without divorce!

Hi N.. Well I don't know a whole lot about snoring but it sounds to me like most of the things that are bothering you about husband are probably a direct result from him (and you) not resting properly. Make sure you are communicating productively. He really needs to understand that this is affecting the entire family. Also, don't make the mistake of thinking that obtaining things will bring you happiness. Those things can only bring you temporary happiness. If you turn your life completely over to The Lord Jesus Christ you will find pure joy and fulfillment. He is the only One that can bring you true happiness. I know this from experience! Please give Him a chance, He loves you and wants what is best for you but you have to allow Him into your life. I will pray for you and your family. God bless!

Marriage counseling.

Let your husband know you both need to see a professional because you cannot do this anymore. If he will not go, you go to counseling yourself and see what you can work out.

My husband and I went many many years ago. We decided we would get a divorce. Then when we sat down to discuss everything, we realized counseling had taught us how to talk with each other. We have now been married almost 30 years!

1. It is not fair that you cannot sleep in your own bed all night.

2.It is dangerous to both of you because no one can function safely when they are missing sleep.

3.Your husband is lessening his life expectancy and this is not fair to you or your children.

I love what Dear Abbey asks.... "Are you better off with him or without him?"

Try to work it out first. Try not give up. Try to remember why you married him in the first place. I am sending you good thoughts.

Why is it you are "sick" of your life? (I'm not asking in a judgemental way - just to get you assessing it) Does he restrict you of doing what you want to do? If you try to include him, but he's either not interested or confines your activity, then you've got a choice. If he's just not interested in doing it with you, find other women who are - you don't need him to fulfill your life, but don't find another man to take his place (it's too easy to fall for someone with the same interests). If he confines what you can do, then I'd say go for the counceling, because it won't get better until he either lets go or goes with you. You don't need him for your own happiness. I'd tell him right up front - in a non-judgemental way- what his snoring is doing to YOU (wakes you up, can't get back to sleep, walking around like a zombie) and tell him that until he gets some help with it you'll be sleeping in the other bedroom. Don't be mean or cross, just informative. Also let him know there are dreams and events (or whatever) that you plan on doing and he's welcome to come along if he'd like, but you're not basing on going on HIS participation. Don't rely on any other person for your happiness - it's YOURS, own it.

Move either him or you to the guest room it is cheaper than divorce. I would love to put my husband in a contest, he would win the trifecta!~

The c-pap issue is very serious. He needs to wear it, but of course if he doesn't he greatly increases his chances of dying. With that in mind, don't divorce him just move to the guest room and increase his life insurance (a lot)!

I was in the same boat you are, I slept in my son's bunkbeds (after he moved out) for nine years. It was worth it! Good luck.

N., we as people of the human race can always find fault with others and blame is so easy to cast out. On the other hand we have to look and see what part did we have in the situation. Sometimes letting things slide till they reach a boiling point is participating silently. We set the atmosphere of our homes and our relationships. If I want a happy home, I have to have a good attitude and do what it takes to make it happy. You are tired and worn after 20 years. Things have gotten out of control, but it is not the end. This is a fresh new year. Do things differently. Remember what you and your husband did before the kids came. Remember how you fell in love with each other. He has a sickness now or a disorder with sleeping. But he is still the man you gave your heart to. Start doing activities outside of the home as a couple. The kids seem big enough to handle mom and dad going out on dates together. You need also sometime for you. What are your hobbies? What is it you would like to try and never did before? Are there any women you have met that you all could go to the spa and have a girls spa day. Last, but never least. How is your relationship with God? No matter how hard I try to make things work around me, if I am out of "whack" or distant with God everything falls to pieces. When God is 1st in my life then everything else falls into place. This is where you should start. I read this today from Charles Stanley: Sometimes our wounds are so deep that forgiveness does not come easily. Remember that Jesus bears the scars of others' sins, too, and His Holy Spirit enables believers to carry out this difficult task (FORGIVENESS). God Bless.
Mary V

I think your husband needs more medical help. Once he is able to address this issue I think he may become more active in your life. If not don't be afraid to take trip or two without him. Don't stop living because he does. Counseling never hurts either.

Hi N.,
My husband and I will celebrate our 21st anniversary this month, and he is also a snorer. I usually sleep 'hugging' a pillow, so a few years ago, I developed the habit of sleeping on my side, with one ear pressed into the pillow I'm sleeping on, and the pillow I'm holding pressed against the other ear. This seems to work for me, but I've also known other women who relied on ear plugs. They make the soft ones that you roll between your fingers, and then they expand once you put them in your ears, to fill up the opening without being uncomfortable. You could also try a 'white noise' machine, we have one that also has nature sounds, if you put that close to your side of the bed it may mask the sounds of snoring enough to allow you to sleep. Finally, if you have a guest room or another area of the house that you could turn into a bedroom, you might want to 'move out' of the master bedroom (or make him move out!) to prove your point...perhaps this would make your husband realize how serious the snoring issue is. I know life sometimes gets monotonous but ending your marriage won't change that...you need to find some outside interests, things you can do that don't involve your husband's participation. Also, it sounds like he has significant sleep apnea and if he doesn't start using that c-pap, you are going to wake up one morning and he won't. The fact that he sleeps all the time, plus the snoring, are indicators for that. He also may need to have his Thyroid checked. Make him a doctor's appt. and drag him to it if you have to. He needs someone to be firm with him and talk some sense into him. Good luck!

N.,
The advice you got about taking him back to the dr who prescribed the C-PAP machine is right on. Those are expensive machines given only to people who stop breathing several times a night. He is not snoring, he is stopping and starting breathing all night long. It can be fatal. The fear of suffocation due to the mask is why most people refuse to use it. Get him back to the DR and gethim to give your husband an assessment of the seriousness of this condidtion. Be sure the MD knows he is not using the machine.
Once you both get some sleep, the whole marriage will look different. Don't make any decisions until you take care of the physical problem. Also, you may want to move to another room and take a benadryl for a few nights to restore your sleep cycle.

Hi N.,

It is a familiar problem with many people. Life is too short! If you want to stay with him, give him an ultimatum about doing something about his snoring. Sometimes surgery is the answer. He's not doing his part it sounds like. Go for what you want before it is too late. I'm retired and now don't have the money to travel like I had planned. Don't do like I did! J.

I would show this email to him. Seems like his lack of effort in the relationship is probably due to his lack of sleep. Start off by telling him that you love him, but that you're exasperated, and that you want to work on a plan for both of you to work harder on the relationship. He probably doesn't realize how taxing it is on you. Then treat your family to a European vacation this summer.

Good luck.

Jewish Family Services offers counseling to people of all faiths at the JCC at wurzbach and military.

N.,
This sounds like my story two yrs ago.
Is your husband willing get a physical? bloodtest?

There is a test called CRP, it is C-Reactive Protein test, this will show how much Silent Inflammation is in his bloodstream , your dr can work with him on correcting this.

I used to sleep in the far living room, too
now my husband and I can sleep together again.
he does not snore anymore, he snores normally
and I can sleep. yeah!!

for more info email me ____@____.com

good luck,
Oly

I hear you, N.. I could probably hear your husband snore, too, if it weren't for mine.
We have the same problem. The last 3 years my husband has snored loudly--every night. From our bedroom, he was even waking up the kids. But he won't go see anyone.

We have resolved the problem by having him sleep in our guest room about 4 nights a week. I get a full nights sleep more than half the week and it gives his ribs a chance to heal from being elbowed. If you have an extra bed in your home, I'd do this in a second.

I feel like I have my life back since I can get sleep now. We still have a problem when we travel to visit family...we get put in the same bedroom for the duration of our stay. Then I remember very quickly how awful it is to be sleep deprived.

Please go to marriage counceling. He is sleeping the week away because he isnt getting sleep at night. I agree with you on sleeping in a different bed due to his snoring. But I strongly suggest councling, 20 yrs is nothing to scuff at and is totally worth saving and making some changes. Christian counceling might be the ticket due to the foundation of marriage. Best of luck.

You have my sympathy about the snoring! my (ex)husband was the snorer from hell...i didn't have a good nights sleep for over 20 years either. I was miserable - and we had other issues as well. Sounds like you are overdue for some R&R. I finally moved into the guest room and it was heaven - i slept for the first time in years. I had not understood why married couples seemed to sleep in separate rooms until I did it. with the move - everything else went down hill and we divorced within a year. You idea of moving to Europe sounds extremely exciting and I don't see any reason why you can't start saving and planning for something like that. Just remember - no matter where you go there you are - and if you are unhappy and think moving will make all the difference - you will have to make the changes in yourself that will make you happy - What about your kids? would you be taking them with you or leaving them with the dad? another thing you might want to try is going to therapy to talk out your plans and how they might best work with your hopes. Good luck and i hope you get some decent sleep soon! C.

As for the snoring, I suggest getting a sound machine. Put it on your nightstand or you can get a box fan face it away from you on your side of the bed and turn it on the highest setting. It will drown everything out.
http://www.target.com/Marpac-Dual-Speed-Sound-Machine-980...

As for the other issues, I suggest going to counseling.

It doesn't sound like snoring is the problem here. I think you posted it that way to solicit some advice, but it sounds like maybe you are stuck in a marriage that you aren't happy with. You pointed out a lot about your husbands "defects" and then ended with what you wanted in life "to travel and relocate". I think you need to forget the snoring and figure out what the real problem is and address that. and then post questions so we can help you with that. good luck, I hope it works out.

I can feel your pain. We have been invited to visit friends in Spain in a few months and I don't know how I can do it. My husband won't use his c-pac machine and I even got custom made ear plugs (that musicians wear) that don't help.

Any Suggestions?????

I agree with another person who said that being sleep deprived leads to difficult emotions and unhappiness!

Consider the Sona sleep pillow (available from Brookstone stores or online) -- my husband's snoring is much less while sleeping with it.

It is curious why your husband won't use his C-PAP machine, because I would think that the snoring and sleep apnea would cause him to be sleep deprived as well...

Have you considered counseling?

I am right there with you sista! I have been married for almost 21 years and have 3 kids and about to have my 4th in about 3 weeks. I have felt very alone in my relationship with my husband. The only way that I can explain it is selfishness on his part. He seems to leave me to do everything in the house and raising the kids. I am so afraid that if anything happens to me he will not be able to handle the full load of what I take care of (doctor appointments, school functions, schoolwork, illnesses, medication, peer pressure, discipline, spiritual guidance, etc.).

The only thing that I can do is pray and keep my life committed to God and just hope that my husband will come to his senses some day. Bottom line is that I try to look for and concentrate on his good qualities, and the fact that I do love him.

So N., do you love your husband? If you do then be patient with him and treat him the way that you want to be treated and remind him that he loves you too.

Good luck and hang in there!
V.

Hi N.,

You sound alot like me. I've been married about 17 years and with my husband for about 20. My husband snores worse than a buzz saw. I agree with many of the other women that have posted to your Issue. I believe your husband needs a reality check: why get the C-Pap and not use it? Yes , one of you could move out of the bedroom, but does that really solve the problems? Your husband may be as unhappy and depressed as you are,too. Last year, I went to the doctor and was placed on medication for depression. Boy, what a difference. I believe in God and I'm some what active in church. You can pray and have all the faith in the world, but you still have to put in the work to find what makes you happy. Life is work and you can't retire from it, because it still takes time and money to travel. Maybe you could plan a vacation just for you and your husband. You know one with the works:somepalce where you get the royal treatment with a spa that offers massages (you could even get a person to come into your home and give the two of you a private massage just get things started).

1. I started wearing ear plugs - Mack's ultra safe sound. If I remember to put them in before going to sleep then the snoring rarely wakes me up. ( I am a light sleeper and he snores loud enough for the neighborhood to shake) If I can not sleep then he does not get to either. I keep waking him up and asking him to turn over until I can get back to sleep. It needs to be a problem for him too or he will not do anything about it. He has to want to wear the device on his own. But try the ear plugs. It drowns out just enough but not too much so that you can't hear if there is an emergancey or a child needs you. good luck.

Also, alot of your aggravation is caused by sleep deprivation. Enjoy your kids homework because we truly only have them for a short time and then - poof - they are gone.

If things are not getting done around the house - then they don't get done. You can't do everything - especially when you are tired. Also, kids can be a big help and need to do their part and have chores to do around the house. Folding the laundry and putting it away, cleaning out the dishwasher, clean off the table after dinner, picking up their own stuff around the house, keeping their bathroom clean and rooms. Hope this helps. We all have bad days. This will pass.

Doesn't seem like a reason to divorce. First, talk to your husband. Second, put some spice into your marriage. You and your husband should get away for the weekend, wear sexy lingerie or walk around nude (to turn him on). Maybe he doesn't do much because you don't do much. Best of luck.

My husband went through the same thing and so did I. Please do your self a big favor have him see a heart Dr. right away. My husband found out that he had a problem and that is one of the reasons that he snored. It saved his life and I hope that you get some answers soon for his snoring. Good luck.

Elevating the head and sleeping on two pillows often helps the snoring problem. As for the children and homework, how old are the children and how much help do they need? If your husband sleeps more of the time, what kind of job does he have, is it physically exhausting; or late does he stay up at night, does he get a good night's sleep and how long has it been since he has had a physical? Maybe he has a physical problem he doesn't know about. You've been married 20 years...has it always been like this? If so, you probably aren't going to get him to change. You want to live in Europe. Was that where you are from? Have you ever lived there? If not, have you thourally investigated it. Do your children want to live there? Do ALL of your problems stem from his snoring? If so, then just move permanently to another bed and let him know why, then maybe he will at least try the c-pap. Otherwise, maybe you should just see a marriage counselor.

You have gotten plenty of good advice. I am only going to address the problem with the c-pap. I am the one with the snoring problem. I got my machine last summer and have had some problems using it. Recently, I went back and got a different type of mask. So far, I have been able to sleep with the machine as least part of each night. This is really important for your husband to work on. Sleep apnea can really be fatal. He needs to find a mask that he can and will use. Best of luck to both of you!

Please consider counseling or a neutral 3rd party person to help y'all. My hubby was finally tested for sleep apnea after we had our 1st baby, and HE was the one falling asleep while driving us. At my wits end, he was "threatened" with the ultimatum-dr. or leave. After getting several adjustments on his cpap (talk to the dr.), all are doing much better.

If what you are doing isn't working or he is understanding what you are wanting maybe yall should try counseling. It isn't fair to you that you are doing all the work and he gets to kick back and relax. My new husband and I went through something similar but it was because he had been a bachelor and used to lying around and sleeping whenever he wanted. He now helps out more but it did take a lot of discussion for him to understand. In your case you've been married for 20 years and it sounds as though he has just gotten lazy. You need you time as well and it doesn't side like your getting that. I would say that you should take off to a spa resort for a full weekend so he'll see kind of what you do but I think when you got home things would be in the same place or possibly worse off. I think you should definitely try counseling so there is a third party's view of what's going on and how to fix it. He may just see it as your nagging him and just ignoring you. With the snoring I would give him the option to use the machine or sleep on the couch. Again you should also be allowed to get a comfortable night sleep. To me it sounds borderline disrespect instead of ignorance. I'm sorry I don't have many suggestions on counselors but I know our pastor at Pflugerville First Baptist does counseling. I think a Pastor is going to put more work into trying to save your marriage. Good Luck!
M.

hey N.,
sorry to hear about your snoring husband. my boyfriend and i have the same issue, but he is the one to complain about me snoring. to a few friends i am known as the snoring squaw. but getting back to helping you with his snoring, have you tried sleeping with earplugs. my boyfriend tried it one night and uses them everynight after that whether i snore or not, he still has a good night sleep. try it, they may help you,,,,i sometimes want to use them during the day, just so that i won't hear him complain about one thing or another.....let me know if it works....

Sorry to hear what your going through but have you tried breathe right strips or ear plugs!! You must be a little stressed! How old are your cildren? I consider myself very lucky been together with my husband for 9 years & he does help with the schoolwork and alot of the things w/kids, but it wasn't always like this it took alot of me feeling like I was gonna go crazy!!! Then I finally told him this isn't working for me I need time for me so I can take care of you all! Well it changed little bit at a time and now I have alot more time for me & I'm happier. Hope things can change for you!

i am with you, got a snorer here, i have been videotaping him but ihaven't showed it to him yet. life in europe, done that too, not easy. lifeis not easy, marriag eis certainly not. try to remember why you fell in love in the first place. yes, you may want to snuff himout at night but he is the man ou married, things are just old... i hear ya... been married for 13 years and i am in the same boat, couseling maybe? hang in there