Husband Seems Unsupportive

Men tend to be overwhelmed by fatherhood, especially first time fatherhood, but they are no good at saying, "I'm overwhelmed." Men tend to feel that admitting they can't handle everything means they're weak or incompetent. (They also tend to feel that something isn't real unless you say it out loud.) They feel very deeply the responsibility of being responsible for another life, and it freaks them out. They'll be panicked about how to pay for college while their wife is concentrating on getting through teething. Directing anxiety toward the baby feels wrong, so they direct it toward their wife.

They often also feel overwhelmed by talking to their wives, since men and women speak and think so differently. The fact that women can put things into words so easily and they can't leaves them feeling like they're struggling and will never "win," a concept that is lost on most women. We think in terms of understanding each other, while men are always thinking in terms of position - who's in charge, who's winning. When they start feeling, even unconciously, that their wife is "in charge," they start looking for places and situations where they feel that they'll be top dog.

On top of that, they are often freaked out about having sex with a mom. Most men spend their lives thinking of moms as completely non-sexual beings, and the idea of having sex with his daughter's mother might make him feel uncomfortable. Or, he could still be thinking of you as the hot little number he dated, and you might feel differently now that you're a mother.

He doesn't want to hear your complaints about work because men feel compelled to fix things, and he hears your complaints as a request to fix something he has no control over. This, again, seems foreign to women, but to men the idea of having someone listen and say, "Oh, I understand, that must be so hard" is foreign. They cannot imagine why that would make you feel better, or why you would bring anything up if you don't need or want him to fix it. Being unable to fix your work problems makes your husband feel helpless, and feeling helpless makes him angry.

He's looking to find something in his life that makes him feel totally on top of things, in charge, and admired. He needs something besides his home life because most men are terrified that they will (or are) failing their wife and children. When you tell him how overwhelmed you are, he worries that his family is falling apart (and that it's his fault.)

It might really help you both to get some counseling or take some classes in communication, so you can each really understand the other. It also helps to get 3rd party input.

Relax a little, and don't ask him to explain with words what he's thinking or doing. Watching how he behaves will give you a better idea. Praise him whenever you can! Men need a lot of ego boosting. Walk away from any arguments you really don't want to have. Be a little more available or take a little more initiative romantically than you might otherwise (even if you're not really in the mood - it'll make your husband feel loved and manly.)And make sure you two have those once a week date nights!!!!! That will do wonders.

Good luck! This too will pass.

A date night is a must have for parents survival together. It has been just the two of you for many years, now your time is not only spent at work, but now your on mommy mode too. Sometimes we get stuck and forget we were wives 1st, and will be wives last (those that make it together) Remember you are raising a child who will in many years become her own person. Then you are back to the two, don't forget who you were before the baby or you wont know what to do later. He may just be looking for attention too, try giving him an "atta boy" to boost his ego. You will both look forward to date nights even if you spend it washing the cars just being company for each other will make you grow stronger as the ultimate happier parents that your baby deserves. Good Luck

H., I read your request this morning and I cried. I remember being there. About 4 years I was a full time school teacher, 2 kids at home and a husband who "wasn't supporting me". Wow, I think back and I am in awe that he and I are still together. But I am so blessed that we are.

We talked, we faught, we cried, we even talked about seperating, but we knew that deep down we loved each other and that something was just not right.

I will tell you, the hardest thing for me to do was admit that it was me. I was not right. I was over-whelmed, I was exhausted, I was over-worked and by default I felt "he didn't support me". What a mess. Perhaps you can relate.

So I changed the only thing I could, ME. I began a nutritional cleansing program, feeding my body and ridding it of fat and impurities, clearing my mind, I started this for ME and I began really taking care of ME. I put ME first. I started to walk a bit more each day, alone, just me, myself and I (I say more because I was a PE teacher already exercising quite a bit each day with my classes.) I started to look at ME and what I could do, not what HE could do for me.

WOW! What a difference! Within just a few days I started to see my husband as he was, not as what I was seeing through my exhausted, over worked, under nourished eyes. WOW. H., you can't even imgaine the change "in him". OMG, I was feeling better about myself so by DEFAULT he was looking better to me. I was feeding my brain so that I was happier and HE began to be nicer to me. I liked spending some time with me and by default HE began wanting to be around me too.

In the last 4 years I retired from my teaching job (the changes in me inspired other women to take better care of themselves and my business bloomed so I was able to leave my fulltime job and work from home), my husband and I are now working full time TOGETHER to help other families thrive, not survive, AND a year ago last October, we renewed our vows on a cruise in Mexico under the blessings of Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith of the Secret (Spiritual Leader of the Agape church in LA). Today, H., we are in love, we are happy and I put myself first.

Please, do not look to him to make you happy, contact me and let me help you. I have so been there and so done that. Please, learn from my experience.

B.

Hi H.:
Maybe I'm reading more into this then I should. Some of your comments however,trouble me.You both are working parents. If you can't feel free to go home,and discuss,or share your day with your partner,without being shut off,then who do you talk to? Is your husband suggesting,that because he doesn't want to hear it,that you pay a professional to lend an ear? It would appear,that HE is the one that needs counseling.There are going to be days,wether it be rough days or good,that you want to have someone to share it with.If he's that sensitive,and can't handle being a shoulder for you when you need it,he"s lacking understanding,he isn't able to cope.It's troubling,that this all began after the baby was born.When did he begin playing in the band again?I would assume,that he takes time away to practice or play in this band,so he already has HIS escape for the week.Why the urgency to go work for hospice? Has he always had an interest in home care,or the medical profession? If not,then I would be insisting on the two of you going to counseling.Something sounds awry. I wish you the best. J. m

Hello H.,
Have you heard about the 80% / 20% rule? In areas of conflict, 80% is about the person's past, 20% is about the issue on the table. That goes for both parties. One person getting counseling rarely makes a couple work. I agree with Jenn counseling can help, everything you are dealing with is surface stuff, the issues that erupt are below the surface. You need help to dig deep and find out what motivates the behavior.
Good luck,
Wendy

H.,It sounds like you both have a lot on your plates. Perhaps carrying out this quest to be a hospice counselor is something that would bring him more personal joy which would then come full circle and improve your shared union. I agree with you don't debate this topic with him. Perhaps he will be forever regretful if he does not give this path a try. At the end of the day he sounds like a very noble man with an abundantly generous kind heart. You and your daughter are 2 blessed women. Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Regards, K.

H.,

From a woman who was in a relationship with a man who has several issues with trust and love...and, now we're aren't together...I would suggest you both go talk to someone. If not together, individually.

Your post read, like something from my journal (four years ago) and I really encourage you to talk to him and tell him you NEED for both of you to be on the same page in this relationship...you need his companionship and you need his support. You two should be a team, not on two sides of a very high fence.

I was in so much distress from feeling like everything was wrong and like nothing I did was right, that I was sad, alone and pregnant. Unfortunately, I never spoke up and I never just 'cut to the chase' like another poster wrote. Be strong and be firm. Your child deserves two parents who are together because they love and care for each other, and not parents that are hiding from each other in extracurricular activities.

Just think about how you feel about the conversation you just had, and write down your thoughts. Pros and cons of the current situation, and your basic ideas about a solution. You should be able to come home and talk to your husband about your day...and vice versa, but you should also be able to know when your spouse is angry and why.

Good Luck!

I can't really understand what you really want or if you will ever be happy with anything and maybe your husband feels the same. I had to go back to the heading because I thought I misread unsupportive husband but yet you say he helps 110 % with baby and cleans and does dishes. He talks things out with you and you guys came up with a deal that you guys each take a day to yourself each week which is awesome (again helping) but you are not happy with what he choose because he should give it to you and your daughter. You said his behavior has not been nice but yet the conclusion was you were overworked tired and needed to see someone. What was bothering him?. When is it ever about him or when was the last time you said THANK YOU to him and was HAPPY for what you truly have a great husband and daughter and life. We all get tired and crabby but we should have lot's more happy and fun times and be grateful for what we have before we lose it. You said he doesn't allow you to come home complaining about work were you doing it way to much and maybe that is where he is starting to lose his cool with you because he is feeling he could never do enough to make you happy and he is fustrated. Lot's of people tell me I am lucky for the husband, kids and life I have but I tell them it is not luck we get up every day and make a choice of what kind of life we want and work at it everyday easy or not and make the best out of it.Best of luck to you and your family.

Consider this: he might feel inadequate at caring for your daughter as well as you do. Does she often want only Mommy? If so, he might be taking on this new position to feel useful. Maybe parenting turned out being way different than what he had in mind. ex: daddy's girl turned to be mommy's girl. My husband didn't like watching our younger son alone because he was a mommy's boy. He would scream when I left him alone with dad just because he always wanted to be with me. I pushed them into it and when they did have a few days alone together they were way more bonded. Hope this helps!

Hi H.,

Wowzers, what a coil. I've read your post a few times (and all the responses, so far) and this thought keeps coming back to me: does your husband really understand what more you need? Hear me out... You say that he's a wonderful dad, helps with the baby, does dishes, cleans. This is all great stuff, and from a mainstream point of view, exactly what he's supposed to do. But, you're telling him you need more? Has that "more" been clearly articulated and, more importantly, has he "heard" you?

Then, my thoughts turned to him. Are his needs being met? In between the complaining about work, working, mom-ing, etc. are you giving any attention to your husband? If you need him to be there for you, you need to be there for him as well...in a way he needs.

My husband and I worked full time when our babies came and we had a similar explosion. It rocked my world to learn that, from my husband's point of view, I had all this energy to give to my students, my teaching, my babies, my family, my hobbies (reading)...everyone and everything but him. Certainly I didn't do it intentionally but I did it just the same.

I understood your one night a week bit to mean you two would be doing something together. I think that's a fine idea. Perhaps you and hubby could find a hobby together? My husband and I played in the city college concert band for years as our date night. It was great fun flirting madly across the room and, in general, acting like goofy college kids in love. If your one night a week bit was for each of you to do your thing, then complaining about his hospice or his band may be unfair.

It sounds to me like it's time for another talk. I agree with what another post said: there was a marriage before the baby and, God willing, there will be a marriage after the baby grows up and leaves. But, to get there, the marriage must be tended to as lovingly as the children. In my experience, this required setting aside "mommyness" to be a wife again. It was very, very hard to do but I think it worked since my babies are now 14 and 11 and we're still together!

Best of luck, H.. I'll be hoping for you!

You wanted to know our thoughts about your situation and your husband's volunteer work. If he is so giving at work and home, that is wonderful. You are truly blessed to have a husband who is so supportive that he works full-time, does the housework with you and helps to care for the baby. I think in this situation, what is really needed is maybe some type of outlet for you. You said that he is supportive, but you seem worried about his taking time to be a hospice counselor because it will take time away from you and your family. Having a baby is really h*** o* a couple sometimes. You kind of lose your identity sometimes in becoming a mom or dad. It is important for you and for him to have free time, away from each other and away from the baby. For him, playing in his band and being a hospice counselor serves as time for him to recharge his battery, so to speak. You need to find some time like that for you. Do something that will get you out of the house and away from the baby, if possible. Join a book club, start a new hobby, do something to pamper yourself, have a night out with your girl friends once in awhile, go to church, go to the gym, etc. Just something to energize you and help you see that your needs are important too. You have to have time to yourself sometimes so that you can feel rested and have energy to take care of your family. Don't depend just on your husband to fulfill every need that you have for communication and companionship, or you will end up suffocating yourself and him. Also, no matter how bad things are at work, don't come home and vent about how terrible it is every night. And don't vent to your co-workers about work or marriage problems. Also, try to find time every now and then for you and your husband to do things together. Maybe journaling would help you...writing down things that you are grateful for or things you would like to accomplish to improve your situation. Best of luck to you.

You have a two fold issue, and in the weirdest possible way, it would be helpful if you did not take your husband's behavior personally.

Pragmaticly speaking, you need help and support - I too am a full time working mom, so I get it. It's great that you have your mom to help, and it sounds like your husband can be given specific tasks to help you out.

Your husband's behavior and choices really have nothig to do with you, your child, or his current situation. My guess is he's feeling out of control and unimportant, and these may be themes that have ruled his life since childhood. Not to say that they don't affect you, but if you can frame his behavior in a differnt light it may make you less angry.

In a perfect world, he'd go to psychoanalysis and work it out, and hopefully that's what he'll do. In our less perfect world, perhaps you can get him to help with specific tasks, things and times that are most helpful to you.

Your joint conclusion that it would be good for you to talk to someone is a step in the right direction, but it would be more helpful if he went, and you guys went as a couple. Perhaps instead of you guys doing something apart night a week you can do something together. I've been married 20 years and find a standing date night to be a God send. I know babysittings an issue but perhaps you can impose on your mom?

Good luck!

sounds like the experience of your baby has made him appreciate life more, and the whole circle of life, perhaps he never saw it like that before.......and to me, it looks like maybe he wants to be someone whom your daughter will admire, respect....he wants to be somebody she will be proud of...and additionally, there's a LOT of wisdom gleaned from people who are facing the end of their lives.....this may be his way of processing it all, sounds to me like he is trying to make a plan for the future...I know you are hurting....but maybe indulge him for a couple of months more...and ask him questions about his new experiences, you will both learn a new perspective on life.....I think he should come out of the fog in a bit and will be the better man/dad for it....
C.

I can see where you are coming from. I am sure that you want your husband to be a counselor to you and not to strangers. What is has decided to do is a very commendable however I can see how it would offend you. He may not know how to help you and so is reaching out to help others. Your daughter brings a whole new aspect into your relationship and I can see how it would stir things up again. The happy medium that the 2 of you reached a few years ago is no longer. Life is now full of changes and new demands that neither of you have had to deal with. I think that you going to see a counselor is a good thing. Getting an outsider to help you is helpful, believe me, I have been to couseling a few times and it is so very helpful! He may feel as though he cannot give you a unbiased opinion. The small things that he sweats may not be small to him. He too may feel very overwhelmed with having a new baby and may be reaching out to try to help others since he doesn't feel he can help himself or you. I think that counseling will help you find peace within yourself and hopefully in turn, in your relationship. I send you many happy thoughts!!! ~ B.

thats a hard thing to go through. it seems like your jusband isnt being totally honset with you. i agree with other moms that you shouldnt be told to go talk to someone else. hes your husband and should care about your day. you both may benefit from talking to someone together. i also agree about the personal time together without baby and i say this being a mom who gets no personal time away from baby lol... it is strange that hes taking a career change at his age but maybe it will benifit more in the long run. talk to him and say look i want to know why youve decided to go that way with work. he shouldnt feel scared to talk to you and you shouldnt be scared to ask him. (which i dont think either of you are). just be open and honest with him like you already do. it will come out soon. good luck!

I think you should absolutely back off and let him have something of his own to do. You spoke of him being short to you and picking every little battle, but then you came to the conclusion that YOU were the one who was over-worked and stressed out. What about HIM? He is obviously feeling some stress as well or else he might be more easy going. If you have a desire to escape one night a week and do something for yourself, don't you think it is reasonable for him to want to do something to follow his own interests?

Give him some time to work through his own need to make something of his life. If you give him understanding and support, he'll be more willing to give it back. Try to think of him and not just what you need.

You need date night. A night to yourselves by yourselves is not the answer. You will just grow further and further apart. That happened with my first marriage. You both should go to a counselor and deal with this TOGETHER! Good luck.

Hi H.,
Hate to say this, but somethings up! Wheather it is a midlife crisis, a woman he has met, or just bored with his life, (he has changed it up by his other activites) you have to find out what it is. That's great that he is a counselor and is enjoying being in the band again, but what about spending time with you?
I know when I pick a fight with my husband, it is because I'm not happy with something else. I'm a communicater and my husband is not ,so, I have to dig and dig before I find out what the root of the problem is.
Your husband is not happy for whatever reason.
It sucks being lonely and feeling like your husband is not there for you. I totally understand that part.
Like I said, you need to get to the root of the problem. Maybe you both need to see a counselor yourselves.
Does he talk to you anymore? Touch you? Do you have sex anymore? If not, these are all signs of big problems.
Husbands should always be there for their wives, he should be the one to lean on when times are rough. Not fighting.
Good luck to you and your family.

Thanks for sharing. Often, once a new baby comes into our lives, all of our attention, nurturing, affections are spent on the baby. Husbands often feels neglected & unloved....but feels uncomfortable in demanding equal attention or affirmation(so he looks outward- band,etc). My sense is that he needs some serious tender loving care overall. praying for you both. :-)

Sharon Z & MP have some great advice. Maybe he doesn't know how to help you with the work issues, and is a little tired of hearing about something he can't fix. Try instead to talk about the happy or funny things at work. This will help you to see work as half full not half empty. And will make work more fun if you are always trying to make work fun so you have a good story to tell him later. You gave him the night off to do what he wanted so let him do what he want's. If you think this is wierd then ask him why he picked this Hospice thing. Maybe he has a real interest in this field and this is a step in that direction. Remember he is overwhelmed too. He is helping you that's more then I ever got. If I was having a bad day my spouse told me I was a bad mother and I shouldn't have anymore kids, instead of taking the baby and telling me to go for a walk and pull myself together. That's just his way, He is a Narcisist or has a Narcisstic personality. where he puts you down to make himself feel and look better then you. Though only in his mind. Everyone else says A--H---
Good luck with this. Dat night, Date night, Date night. Find a friend to change kids with and go. J.

As long as his Hospice work is within the parameters of time away from the family that you set (one night a week) then I don't think you have anything to complain about. It may seem like a draining way to spend time to you but to him the opportunity may make him feel better about himself (as you say) and in turn better about you. Maybe the things he learns by being a counselor will help him in your relationship too. Maybe he doesn't want to hear about how much you hate your job because he feels guilty that you can't stay home? Anyway... good luck! I hope that things work better for you soon.

Perhaps he wants a reminder from people about to lose their own lives how important his own life is. Working with people about to die can give you great perspective into not "sweating the small stuff". Good luck to you!

I think you should be happy with a husband who helps 110% with the child, cooks and cleans and works full time! Most women would LOVE a husband like that! If doing the counseling work and the band makes him happy and more relaxed, you should let him do it and you should find something of your own to do aside from work and parenting. Sounds like you resent working full time, which I can relate to, but it's better than losing your job like a lot of people these days. Plus you have free daycare which you should also greatly appreciate! (im paying a fortune for daycare) Try to focus on the positive and maybe things will improve for you and your family. Joint counseling might also be helpful...

Yes, I do think its weird. HE obviously needs to talk to someone too. Perhaps you both need to see someone together. I would explain it to him just as you have here... that you dont understand how he could have the extra time and emotional wherewithall to help people he doesnt even know when the one he lives with and loves needs him the most! Good luck.

HI H.,
I feel that a seperate night out for each other really isn't a solution.I really am wondering who actually suggested it. Not to be negative or anything, but if he did, it actually raises suspicion if there is already time going to the band why a night out also??? I too am a full time working mom with 5 boys ages 2 thru 18 I know the stress feeling but you cannot take that home, as i say leave it at the door. I have been with my husband 20 yrs this month we have our ups and downs and so does everyone else, if they say they don't their lying.The key to a long relationship is respect and "communication". Other than going out seperatly as a resolution, you have to have date nights, that builds your relationship with each other, whatever it may be dinner, movies or our favorite a comedy club.My older boys think it's funny and call their dad a stud but it is necessary and fun.Do you accompany him sometimes at band practices or if he plays do you go watch him? Even if it doesn't interest you it's the support.Like i said before I really don't see how "a night out for myself" helps an "us" situation.I really hope you do talk things out, and please... listen to him also.Hopefully there is no bigger issue behind his behaivor. Best wishes to you both.

Hilary, I could fill a novel with information I have found reguarding similiar issues with mine however I will keep it simple but direct to the point to really help you with my advice. I have been with my husband 14 years and have 4 children and one on the way.
For the parenting issues
1)Parenting is no easy task more trying on our emotions than anything else. Do something for your self that you used to do before your child. like your husband is doing with his band it keeps us from feeling like we have lost our own self or independence. Sometimes the things we do not understand we can learn from. Instead of being mad at him make arrangements with your husband to have a time of your own. He should understand and appreciate you off his case. Parenting seems to have a way of making you feel overwhelmed and empty at the same time overjoyed and completed. try to just do what you can. and make every moment quality time.life is short. they grow so fast.
2) For your relationship issues.
Hold on loosely but don't let go, Have you heard that song lyric? at times I have found I can be a real control freak and want it my way and have relized that the more you do not nag and try to consume thier time the less time they want to spend with you. If you push them away a little physically sometimes they pull you in more. catch 22 I guess. Just be grateful that he loves you and the child and comes home to you. Remind your self that your a woman and we are emotional. if you hear a negative insecure thought. Replace it with " I know he loves me even though I don't feel loved at this moment.12 years says alot. of course there are rocky roads along the way what's new the fact that he is there because he wants to be says you are loved...
The hospice issue.
I understand that you may feel like you deserve his time more etc. but I don't think this is about you at all. Don't take it personally. I really think that for alot of people especially me. Having a child opens yours eyes to a bigger picture in life and the meaning of life. Maybe another way to explain what i am trying ot say would be it opens your thinking as well to the fragileness of life. It sounds to me like your husband may be going through something like this and he is probably a very caring person. try to understand more and expect perfection less, If your anything like me i know that it ius hard for me to not expect my knight and shinning armor to be less than perfect...one person can not always be there financially, emotionally for you at the same time etc.

I really do hope thatsome of this helps you have a different perspective on things. optimism is all we really have. you know the other thing is.
my husband i consider to be myvery good friend and when we have had numerous arguenents over issues similiar to yours he has always told me "ask for what you want and that way i can help you,'like wise when you do the same for him you can be on the same page with expectations. it took years for me to start asking. but we are better now...don't be supermom and resent it. ask for more time or whatever you need. best regards, A.

Good Morning H.,

There is an old saying by Gandhi - Be The Change You Wish To See In The World.

So, things are happening that you don't like. You may or may not have been the cause of them, but be the cause of the changes you want to see in your life.

2 Seminars:
Landmark Education Courses: Forum, Forum in Action, Advanced Course, and Self-Expression Leadership Course.

Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women course.

Both Seminar Groups, Landmark Education and Celebrating Men can be found on the internet. And they have seminars that work with working people's schedules. Their seminars are all over California and the world.

I've been involved with Landmark Education since 1997, and Celebrating Men since 2000. Both seminar companies teach you how to communicate and have the life you want and how to get your needs and wants met in life.

Counseling: I don't know your religious affiliation, but if you are metaphysical. Agape International Spiritual Center has counselors that work on a sliding scale. If you like authors like Wayne Dyer and Louise Hay, Agape Counseling is for you. Agapelive.com will give you the main phone number and address, they are in Culver City, CA.

Be Well.

N.