Husband Doesn't Help Out Much

Dear K.,
My husband and kids are older and I have about the same scenario. Talking did not work, so I started giving my husband vitamins, B complex for stress,C, Potassium, etc., making his breakfast, packing him a lunch and letting him know he is special. It works better to give first (instead of complain) and then it comes back to you ! Try it ! (Husbands are like another son, sometimes !) You will benefit by investing just a little more.
Mama Rogers

Ask your husband, "I know that you are tired when you get home from work, but how would you feel if you never got to leave work??? If you never had a break???" Make your husband understand that this is how it is for you. You are on the job 24/7. Let him know that you are exhausted also. Let him know that while you appreciate all he does to provide financially for your family, he also needs to be providing emotionally for you and your son.

Give your husband specific responsibilities when he gets home like feeding the baby and taking care of him while you prepare dinner for the two of you. Have your husband also take care of bathing your son. Also, another thing that I would suggest is on nights when your husband does not have to be at work the next day, make it his responsibility to get up with the baby if your son is not sleeping through the night yet. This way you will get at least one night a week of solid sleep.

A lot of the other mothers are right that most men who don't have baby experience just don't know what to do with one, so we, as the wives and moms, need to be specific about what we expect of them, as the husbands and dads. Remember to let your husband take care of these responsibilities his way. Like one of the other posts said, sometimes us moms think that our way of doing things for our children is the only way to do them. If you criticize the job your husband has done in taking care of your son, he won't want to help out. I hope this helps. GOOD LUCK!!!

Oh boy,Kim how should I start, well let me just start by saying you have to take care of this now because then it will be to late to change it,I know because it happen to me. My husband hardly ever helps, I too am a SAHM, but this doesn't mean that I haven't been out there in the working field because I have worked but I found out that I still had to do everything else, when I came home and on my days off,everything was up to me to continue doing, let me say it was even more work for me so I told myself I couldn't do it all by myself. My husband is a lot like his own dad my poor MIL did everything and then some and what's ironic is that my mother also catered to my fathers needs and all her children too, she worked herself to death, God rest her soul. Maybe it's an old fashion way of being but let me tell you that I have lived a miserable life because I'm always tired and it shows now, I'm going to be 50 yrs. old soon and I'm hunch over all the time because I'm always tired,and till this day my husband doesn't help me much and I know he works hard when he arrives home he wants his dinner ready and after he's done eating he will sit in front of the tv then he puts on his tennis shoes and tells me "I'll be back I'm going to the Gym" when he was younger he would go out to play Basketball with his buddies every night.Now if he was that tired how does he have the energy to do those other things? I even do the yard so he doesn't have to do it but do you think that he appreciated it "No", when I mention that I'm going out to get away from being at home with the kids(I had, 5 bio., and 2 adopt.),( a total of 7 children) and he has a fit ready to call me every name in the book, you would think that he would be alright with that, but no he isn't. He has a big problem with that, my daughters say it my fault because I never said anything to him about helping me with the chores or the children and he just got use to that idea. So speak now or forever hold your peace, like they say. And I mean that! Now there are times where he will vaccum the house because I haven't vaccummed, just to see how long it could go without me doing it till, he finally say why hasn't anyone vaccummed the house and beleive me I do keep my house clean all the time, but I let it go on purpose just to prove a point but he doesn't get it. My husband has never helped me with the children he's comment was that they were girls and that he just couldn't help me with them and with my adopted son he's excuse is that he needs some time to relaxs at the gym he needs to sit in the sauna so by the time he gets back my son already asleep. Good luck, but you really need to address it now and get him to help you. I only wish I had done that myself, but now it's to late. God Bless You Kim.

I don't know how many hours he works a week but please consider that in that you do get to stay home. That is such a blessing. I only go to do that with my first two till my second was 4. Its so much better for the family. Now though I'm divorced and until my kids were big enough I did the housework and yardwork,grocery shopping, keeping the car in check and clean, paying the bills and keeping that check balanced, shopping for insurance ect all on my own. Tiring so please reconsider argument before making things sour. I know you do need help from your husband I'm just suggesting as a friend to think things out. I know sometimes us women want our husbands to acknowledge all what we do and appreciate us, I know I've been guilty of asking for more help when I just wanted my husband to acknowlege all what I get done. Good luck I hope you guys find a mutual ground.

Hi K.,
I understand what you are going through, and while you should be greatful that you are able to stay at home with your little angel (a lot of us don't get that luxury), you also have a good opposing argument. My husband and I both work full time jobs, the only difference is that my job doesn't quit at 5 o'clock. That's when my second job begins... "mommy-ing". After working my 8 (or more) hours every day, I have to go home, tend to my beautiful little girl, cook dinner, clean house, do laundry, feed/entertain my baby girl, bathe her, get her in bed, and still have to have the energy to visit with my husband. It is NOT too much to ask for your husband to help! Not only should he help you when you ask, he should WANT to help you. Your marriage is a partnership. What kind of example is that setting for your son? We don't live in the 50's where the wife has to have all of the chores done, dinner cooked, kids cleaned and fed, with a drink ready for Dad to get home. Times have changed and so have responsibilites. I think if you are a SAHM, the majority of the housework and cooking falls upon you, but that doesn't mean he CAN'T help out. I don't doubt that your husband is tired at the end of the day, but aren't you too? I admit, I do the MAJORITY of the work around the house, but I don't hesitate to ask when I need help. Also, your husband helping with your son will allow them time to bond together. If he is a little "scared" of him, spending more time together will only help the situation. Anyway, I hope your situation improves. Just remember, y'all are a team. He sould be willing to share in the responsibilites.

Is your husband wanting to spend time with you, or is he just sitting to relax. If he wants time with you the help is what is needed so you will have some free time to do (dishes after dinner) etc. so you can have the free time to spend with him. This is also what is going to bond and give the memories to you child about dad. (important)He is going to want to have a son that wants to do things with him, when he is older better to start now. These memories last a life time for your child.Many times did I just sit in chair crying because I was just plan tired. Let him see this share this knowledge of what your exhaustion is. He has no clue.

Not to sound negative...but try working full time 40 hours a week outside your home and raising 4 children and doing ALL the housework all by yourself. I did it and am still doing it with one child still at home. It is hard but you have to have daily routines and certain days for certain projects. I did laundry every day usually 3 loads a day. Bedding was all done on Saturday morning. Vacuming was done every day and dusting 2 times a week. Bathrooms picked up daily with scrubbings 2 times a week. (This was all done after I came home from working 8 to 10 hours a day.) My husband did the yard work which means he only had to work 5 months out of the year around the house. What a deal he got! Welcome to motherhood.
My husband and I have an agreement which took a while to come around. If I cook, he does dishes. I do ask him to vaccume the staircase because it is too hard for me to get the machine down the stairs..but he doesn't do it on a regular basis. Your husband might start spending more time with your child once it starts walking/talking but there is nothing wrong with hubby feeding a bottle at bedtime..or just sitting and rocking the baby to sleep..so you can have some quiet time. All I am saying is...it could be worse. I would give anything to stay at home but I had to work outside my home because the older your children get the more expensive they get! Good Luck and feel blessed.

I would hope you would rethink your statement to my husband and i work a lot of hours. Your job is 24/7. Is his? No! He gets time off at the end of each of each day because it is needed and necessary to refresh his spirit and soul. Too many women burn out because they let others tell them they don't need time off too. Then they and their falilies have nothing left to give to each other. You are taking care of him as well. He needs to take care of your, his and yours, other needs that are not financially motivated.
I feel very strongly that taking care of each others needs is another full time job that must be shared. Especially since your world has change dramatically. You both need to remember your son deserves two individually refreshed parents. I like to say the pharse, work hard and play hard. Your son will learn what he sees from you two.

Does he ignore specific requests?

Sometimes dads, don't know what to do and don't pitch in, but will do something if asked. My hubby was bad with babies and as they have got older her helps more. We have had to work on our communication styles too. We ended up in counseling over it in fact. We started with one thing he could easily do, put the dishes away from the dishwasher and went from there. Maybe you could ask him to take on one daily responsibility his pick and go from there.

Hang in, this stage is the hardest, it does get better.

Have your husband take a week off & be a house husband while you are some where else. Maybe volunteer to work at a food bank or find another organization through your church. At the end of each day, come home, relax & tell him how tired you are. Then maybe he will be able to see things from your point of view.

Being a stay at home mom is mentally and physically exhausting. You didn't mention what your husband does for a living but I am a regulatory manager & my husband is an analyst. I can guarantee that your job is harder than both of those. Even though we would love to go home at the end of the day and sit in front of the TV, we can't because we have two kids. The hardest part of the day starts when we get home. When it gets really rough (like when the 3 yr old is irrational and cranky because he refused to take a nap) my husband & I tease each other by saying, "OK, they're all yours, I need to go back to work."

Schedule some time for yourself and leave the house. Meet up with a friend for coffee, go see a movie, shop for yourself etc. Trust me, it is so easy to spend all of our money on the children because there are so many cute things out there for them, but you must not forget to take time for you. This will allow you to rejuvenate and be a better mom when you get back home.

I hope the best for you.

I don't want to be mean but if your husband is working all day you should understand that he is tired. You are home all day. I know that it is rough to stay home and have no adult to talk to but your job is to take care of the baby and his is to provide. That being said, you do need time for yourself so you should look for mothers day out programs or find a friend or family member that can watch him for a an hour so you can do things for yourself. I stayed home only 8 months with each of my kids. With my 2nd I had a 3 year old boy and I baby sat a girl 2 weeks younger than mine. It was like having twins. There could also be more to your husbands fatigue. Some men reject their child because it is taking away attention from him. It sounds stupid and immature but we are talking about a man. You should try to have date night a couple of times a month. Maybe he will feel wanted. We as women tend to push men aside when we bare children. It is a natural reaction. Also talk to your husband about it. Sometimes men don't know what to do with a baby and are anxious about taking care of one. Once they are crawling and easier to handle men come around and become great fathers.

I went through this as well when I was a stay at home mom and my kids were young. Do you have any family members or good friends that could help you out for a few hrs a week for some "myself" time. I don't feel that it is too much to ask dad to help out sometimes...especially on the days he is off work. My kids' dad would give me a night out with the girls once a week (usually) and would help out on the weekends. He was a hard worker also and still found a few extra hours to let me get out. Of course, it goes both ways. There were times due to his work that I had to do it all as well. I often helped him with his work from home.

Hi K.,
I agree w/ Sue H. Your husband goes to work for you guys.Just imagen how you would feel if you had to leave your family to go work 40 hours a week or more still come home do house duties and still have to to take care of your baby.
Your one of the lucky ones who has a husband who works for his family so hard so you don't have to put your child in daycare and let some one else raise him,because thats what basiclly happens when a baby is in daycare.You would get to see him maybe 3 to 4 hours a day not totally focused on him because you still have to tend to your husband and dinner and anything that may arise that evening.Don't forget you also have the stress of your full time job and your mind in all diffrent directions.At the end of the day you would just be drained.Think of ALL the working moms who have to go to work and wish they had what you have.
Find time durring the day to hang out w/other mothers this link mamasource is a great one to find anything you may need to keep you and your baby doing activities.I have 3 of my own now age 16,15and 8 i had to do it all alone these last 8 years,work full time and still be mom and take care my children.I'm not complaining because it's just made me the strong woman i am.Just think about how lucky you are and think about how your man has to leave everyday and WORK so YOU can have what you have and being a SAHM can be the Best for everyone.The children do grow up in no time,its not a permanent situation.Enjoy it while it last.
T.

Dear K.--I used to feel like you do until I looked at my husband's role and my role differently. He goes out of the house to earn a living. I stay at home to take care of things there. His job is AWAY from home. My job is AT home. It is MY JOB to take care of everything that I possibly can. If he doesn't feel like helping out much, then I can't fault him with that. He's spent after a long day of working hard.

By the same token, on weekends, when you're BOTH home, it is a shared responsibility to take care of home repairs and other tasks. You might ask his input on making a list of things that need to be done and then scheduling them.

As for taking care of the baby, I would think your husband would not be too tired to give the baby a bottle in the evening. It is important for him to have close, quiet times with his child. As the child grows, you could suggest a story before bed, and let Dad tuck him in. That could become a sweet tradition as your child is growing up that would include your husband.

I hope this helps.

Dear K.,

Remind your husband that you are tired too. Your job as a mother is 24/7. His isn't!! Also his child deserves to have
2 parents to rely on. Nip it in the bud now or it will get worse later. Take care.

C.

I think you are going through the same problem all of us SAHM go through so don't think you are alone.

I would recommend approaching your husband on the weekend when he is not so tired and explain that you are grateful that he is such a great provider. (there are a lot of women who would love to stay home, but financially it is not an option). Then explain that although bein a SAHM is your "job", aand a dream on at that!!- you would still like some help. Remind him gently that, unlike his job which is however many hours a day he puts in, yours doesn't end. There is always laundry, or vacuumin, or groceries, or feeding your son, changing his diapers, taking out trash etc. Ask what he thinks he can do- unload the dishwasher and give the baby a bath before bed twice a week as an example.

Let him know your request is not only for yourself- give you a little breather and also shows you that he values you as a wife and mother becaue he sees the need to support you in what you do- but it is also laying the foundation for your son to see how his dad treats his mom and how much he values time with him as his son.

It may not happen over night, and start with something small. As he does these things, really thank him. As the saying goes, you get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar!

And please pray about this before you approach him. God will guide your tongue- goodness knows we women need that!- and your heart!

Good luck-
B.

Hi K., I have been staying home for now 6 yrs. I am a mother of T. children. My husband has been very involved with the T. kids ever since I had them. I am sorry but your husband working long hours does not excuse him from not helping you. It takes T. people to make a child, it takes T. people to be involved to. You staying home does not mean that you are doing nothing. Being a stay home mom is a lot of work and sometimes it goes unoticed. You need to talk to your husband let him know exactly how you feel. You need time for your self. Always remember that if you are not doing well they will not be doing well. Plan a "ladies night out." I do that with my friends once a week. We just go have dinner and chat comfortably for T. hours. After dinner we all go to our homes. You get to enjoy dinner and have a nice peaceful conversation.

Elisa

what's a lot of hours? my husband will be 50 in a couple of weeks... he works a day job from 6:30-3:30pm 5 days a week, then a night job from any where from 4:30 or 6pm-9:30or10 pm 6 days a week! he actually works 7 days a week at one job or both. He also takes any extra overtime that he can get at either! Is that how tired your husband is? maybe you need to remind him that your son has two parents! maybe to be completely fair, you can add up all the hours that he is at work and all the hours that you are working in the home and with the baby and even it out. if it ends up that you put in more hours you can split the difference, if it turns out that he puts in more hours , get ready to care for your son full time! He should spend some time with your son, to get to know him! if anything were to happen to you would he want to take over being a parent if he is a stranger to that child! Good luck!

I feel your pain! My husband works seven days a week, and I too am a stay at home mom. After spending all day taking care of my 11 month old son I am glad when my husband comes home because I think I am going to get some help . . . but he is tired from a long day at work. I know how you feel. You want your husband to help and for him to have a positive relationship with your son, but you feel guilty because you know he has been hard at work all day.
I finally got my husband to take a half day off at work. On that day I go to the store or run other errands while the boys stay home. That way they spend time together, but I am still around to help him if he has questions or problems. My husband now sees what I do all day everyday. Even though it is just a couple of hours a week it has helped alot. He now is in charge of bath time every night (well alomost every night) and the boys have a blast splashing and yelling. I hope this helps . . . I check this site regularly so if you need to talk or vent I'm here!

K.,

I just had this discussion with my husband. I have to warn you I am old fashioned when it comes to this. You are very blessed to be a stay at home mommy. A lot of women don't have that option. You've got a husband who it sounds like is working hard to support your family. Because you stay at home you should be primarily responsible for your baby's care. NOT TOTALLY though! You are going through huge changes and I know you are exhausted too. Have a discussion with you hubby let him know that you need some time too. Set up a schedule so that you can have some time for yourself. It is important for your sanity. Take a class of some kind, hire a sitter so you and hubby can go on a date.

Just a another thought maybe your husband is a little afraid of the little guy. Some dads don't really shine until their children are older. Think taking the kids camping, playing ball, helping with homework,etc

The most important thing is that you and your husband are a team! Do what works for you both.

K., I have a suggestion and I don't know if it will work for you; but, it has for me.

How about on his day off, you treat him to his favorite meal. Tell him how fortunate you are to be able to stay home with your son, and that you realize that is all possible due to his many hours of work and so on .... Allow him to sleep and do what he wants for the day or better part of the day.

Next, say that you will be going out doing some shopping, having your hair done, having dinner/lunch or whatever with your girlfriends, and allow him to be with his child for a while one on one. Then get in your car and go !

Good luck and God bless !

You may not like this answer. But, you are a stay at home mom and your husband works a lot of hours to provide for ya'll. I would respect that. I'm not saying don't get help. But, you need to understand that he is really tired. Also, some men don't do well with babies. Is there someone else, family or church, that could give you a break now and then, even for an hour? In your situation, I would still ask my husband to help out at times, but I would choose those times wisely. After I know he's been able to wind down for awhile after coming home - or on a day off. But, I would limit what I ask of him and for how long. He's probably using the work thing as an excuse sometimes, but he's probably also very tired, and he's probably not good with babies. Many men don't understand how difficult it is full-time with kids. It wouldn't hurt to ask him for night off (of his choice) and plan it in advance so that he'll be ready. That would help his empathy for a while (until he forgets like most men). A lot of traditional men, especially if their wife is at home, think it is solely the woman's responsibility to care for the small kids. It is not wrong - it just may be different than what you're thinking. You do have it somewhat easier in that you are in charge of your time and can adjust accordingly depending on the demands. You can also nap. He can't. I'm not defending him. But, it always helps to look at the other side before placing judgement. As frustrated as I get, I remind myself that I am blessed to be at home and that my husband would be willing to provide for that. I am blessed to be have the flexibility with my time that I have - and he doesn't. And, yet I have the hardest job in the world and need a break. Find middle ground and you both will be happy. Enjoy that baby boy! They're fun.

All I can say is you will get through it. It takes time to transition from being two people who have a baby to a family unit. It is a real process, one which all of us new wives and moms are on! I think the best thing you can do is do your best to rest when your little one is resting, be easy on yourself about the house and getting tasks done, and know that you two will continue to gel more and more as parents. Just like you have never done this before, neither has he. He doesn't know what it is like for you at home and you don't know what is like for him to feel the new pressure of having a whole family to provide for. You really will find your way through this and your baby will get older. I don't know how your finances are but I joined a gym with childcare and it has been just wonderful for me. I have one hour a day for myself and my little boy has fun with the kiddos at the gym. There is also the Mom's Club, they have a website and have lots of great activities and alot of it is free. I guess my number one piece of advice is don't compare your husband to anyone else's and don't let anybody talk your man down. He does stuff no one else's husband does and he misses stuff that other women's husbands take care of, but you two are in this for life and it sounds like you have a hard working, good man. Hang in there! I wish you all the best ;)

My husband was the same way at first with our fisrt but as he got older the bond is incredible between the 2. I just waited it out and now he helps me with the kids all the time as a matter of fact they come before anything eles. We are lucky we get a 9 month head start on the bonding front were as for them not so much.. give him time and he will. I am a SAHM and it can be very frustrating but I would not change it for the world

Three words..."Mother's Day Out!!!"

My husband and I were at such odds after our son was born, because my life was an endless 24/7 cycle that never stopped...my husband wouldn't do much to relieve me from it...he would do the 6pm until he went to bed shift, one bottle and a diaper...but I needed some time away, and I wasn't getting it!

My son slept in 20 to 40 minute intervals around the clock...oh, it was horrible.

I finally found a Mother's Day Out program at a church close to my house. I have 10 whole hours a week child-free...I can run errands, go to the doctor, go home and sleep...I can be alone in silence!!

I realized my husband wasn't going to change and say...here honey, I'll take our son so you can have some time to yourself...I "fixed" the issue myself.

Oh, and it will get better as your son gets older...my husband is much better playing and watching our son now that he is 3...a lot of men just don't do the whole newborn thing.

{{{{{hugs!!!!}}}}}

Maybe I am old school but, if you are a sahm then what is the problem. I am the mother of 2 boys and would love to be a sahm and can't afford to be. Your husband works hard so that you can stay at home in a world of 2 income families so I don't feel that he should have to come home after a long day of working and take care of the baby also. It wouldn't hurt for him to spend some quality time with the baby while you are cooking him dinner but for him to take over when he gets home and you are at home all day is not fair to him. If you worked also then you may have a case but being in my books you don't being a sahm. Count your blessings and thank god that you have a husband that will work long hard hours so that you can stay at home to raise you children and not leave it up to a day care.

Don't have much advice, but you guys sound a lot like us. I stay home with my son and hubby works long hours. When he got home at night he was real tired and had computer work to do. I was ok with taking care of the baby, but would ask him to do specific things. Can you change his diaper, rock him while I take a shower, I need to go do this(I put the baby in his swing)if he cries pick him up and give him his binky. He just was not real good with babies and he knew I took care of him. As he got older especially now that he is walking and doing funny things all the time, dad plays with him and watches him at night if I want to go do something. He can also put him to bed pretty well, even after I nursed him to sleep for 11 months. Find another outlet, a church maybe, some offer childcare while activites go on, or a gym with childcare, some are like 20 bucks a month. A moms group, do have close family members? My son loves baby Einstein dvds, watches them like its an action movie, and that gives me 20-30 minutes to take a shower, cook dinner, etc. He usually watches one or two a day. I hear ya staying at home is hard and can be lonely.

Hi. I completely agree with Lisa G.'s reponse. The only way he will realize how hard it is to be home all day with an infant is to have to do it alone. With no help! I told my husband after our first son was born to look at it this way: We both have the equivalent of 2 full time jobs now. Which means he is still working when he gets home from his first job. Because you are, too. Being tired is not something that is going to go away for a little while. Also, maybe you should be specific in what you want him to do, such as give him a bath, then a bottle, then put him to bed. Most importantly, back off and let him do it himself, without advice. Sometimes we moms think we are doing it the only right way, and don't give the dads a chance to figure out their own way. Hope that helps. And it will get better!

Schedule some time "off" for yourself on the weekend. You don't have to go far- go to the bookstore, or coffee shop, or get a pedicure or a haircut. Or out to dinner with friends. If your husband complains tell him you work hard too and deserve some time off.

Hopefully once your husband has had to cope with the baby by himself he will understand how much work it is to "stay home" and be more appreciative and helpful.

Good luck!

You are going to get a TON of responses on this one.

I worked outside the home with my first child and now I am a SAHM with my second. This is what I've learned....SAHM's are expected to do EVERYTHING. At least when I worked, the childcare and home chores were split, at least a little.

Also, most men get better as the child gets older. Many men are clueless with newborns. But you need to lay down the law now or it will never change. At least on the weekends, he needs to be there for you 50/50 and I HIGHLY recommend a Mother's Day Out program if you can afford it. My daughter went to a Mother's Day Out program for 2 days a week for just 5 hours but it was heaven for me and my sanity. It's very overwhelming esp. with the first baby, no one really tells you that some days you just want to scream and believe me, you do.

Here's one piece of advice and you need to do it. Pick a day when your husband is not working. Leave for the day and I mean the WHOLE day so that he, alone, can care for the baby. MEN have NO idea most of the time of what it is like. This is the only way they understand. And don't let him get away with taking the child to his parents house so they can help. He needs a day alone with the child to really understand.

I had to leave town for 3 days for a wedding that I "had" to attend when my girl was only 3 months. My husband was supportive about it but I soon realized how overwhelmed and frustrated he was. The first thing he told me was "Boy, I couldn't get ANYTHING done when you were gone, how do YOU do it??!" Hilarious but the BEST thing for him and me.
Hopefully, after that he will have some understanding and be willing to chip in more.

I think sometimes it works if you give your husband time to get home and relax for awhile before asking for help. Some wives meet their husbands at the door with all their complaints of the day. If we just give them a breather they are usually more receptive later to lend a helping hand.

Hello K.,
You are very lucky to be able to stay home with your baby, but that does not mean that your husband can't help you. My husband and I are only 20 yrs. old and we both work full-time jobs... and despite his constant change of schedule (sometimes form 11-9:30pm) he still helps me out. Of course I do more, but he does help when I need him to. Try to do what you can, but when you really need him, ask. It is very tiring but he has to realize he is his child too, some people think because they stay home the husband should do everything for the rest of the day! I'm sure you don't but don't take advantage... so when you do need him he will see that you really do need help! Hope everything gets better!!