48 answers

My Husband Thinks Being a Stay at Home Mom Is So Easy

He says going to baby group, which I do twice a week, is like going to a party for me, I meet up with friends as often as possible, I just think it's healthy. It doesn't mean my life is a breeze. I love taking care of my 18 month old and I'm very happy I don't have to work right now, but I hate how her daddy resents my not "working" as he works long hours at a software company. Any resorces that can help him get a little more realistic perspective of what it's like for me? -that although it's social it's not just a big party?

What can I do next?

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Well you are lucky to even be able to get out! My boyfriend resents me for not working, and has said so in some words. He acts like staying at home to care for a child, cooking cleaning and even working from home are soooooooooooooo easy. He is a truck driver and acts like he is so tired whenever he is home that he can barely change a diaper. If I sleep past 8 am he acts like its a crime. I mean I go to bed way after I put the baby down and I wake up when she does, If he is home and she wakes up in the middle of the night I get her He acts like he doesn't hear her!!!

I understand where you are coming from......I started a home business so I can make my own money, that will relieve some of my tensions.

I have also come to the conclusion that as long as I am doing what makes me happy then who cares what they(men) think anyhow LOL

I had the same problem with my hubby. He made me feel like it was my responsibility to do everything. I had to do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. He said since all I do is stay home all day, it shouldn't be a problem. He said he works hard all day and when he comes home he shouldn't have to worry about things. What did I do to fix the problem? Well, I took a vacation without him. For 4 days, I left and he stayed home with the kids, and got to do what I do everyday. He was the Mom for that time. When I came home, he apologized and said he was glad I was home. He didn't realize what my day consisted of. The house was clean when I got there, but not as clean as what he expected of me prior. After that he started helping me out around the house. We divide all of the chores etc. because we BOTH work very hard everyday. He gets it now.

lol i've had mine start in from time to time on this issue... When he does I will start just not doing the common everyday things... I did get to do this because the baby was into this or that. be like well you see it as I just sit around & dont DO anything... Let me show you what happens when I really DONT DO anything lol he eventually gets the idea. Or I'll say I need you to watch the baby one day...ALL DAY lol I know for mine he's often relieved when i get home becausetaking care of the kid, taking care of his own needs & keeping things done is just more work than sitting around. Good luck hon... Men just dont get it Sometimes!!!

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I think this falls into "I work harder than you." category. It wouldn't matter what your job was, HE always works harder. I think it's a man-thing. I've been married for almost 20 years, our kids are 10 and 12 and I still get this attitude from my husband. Depending on his personality (and yours!) there are several things you can do to "open his eyes" to your world. When my son was about the age of yours I went on strike. If it didn't have to do with taking care of our son, it didn't happen. He came home one evening and we were still in our pajamas. The house was a mess, there was no dinner, no clothes had been washed, etc... when he asked "What did you do all day?" I replied that from today forward I was only going to do my job - which he said was to take care of our son. All of those other things that he refused to admit were work, I just didn't do today. By the third day, he was willing to admit that I did provide a needed addition to our home and maybe he had been a little quick to judge. I did warn all of my neighbors and friends first, though. You can imagine what my house looked like by day 3! Most men do not understand that women can multi-task and do many things at the same time. Otherwise, we'd never get anything done. Men, usually, only do one thing at a time. They just can't relate. You could also try leaving hime with your child for the day, but don't forget to leave a list of all of the other things he must accomplish at the same time. They tend to "babysit" their own children and don't do anything else, while we have a whole list of "to-do's" that we must also accomplish.

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go here: http://swz.salary.com/momsalarywizard/htmls/mswl_momcente...

this is one of my fav emails received in my life:

JUST A MOM?
A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk 's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself."What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job or are you just a......?""Of course I have a job," snapped the woman. "I'm a Mom." "We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like,"Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "What is your occupation?" she probed. What made me say it? I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. "Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?" Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field,(normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?)and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom." Motherhood! What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door. Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" and great grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"?I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants".

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call around to some day cares and ask for the weekly rates, call a couple of housekeeping services and find out there rates, and call some restaruants and find out the starting wage for cooks, servers, hostesses, bussers and dishwashers...add it all up and multiply it by 24 hrs a day then multiply that by 365. show that to your hubby...the money you could be making for all the jobs you do that you are more than happy to do for free.

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since staying at home is such a breeze, for his next vacation he should plan to take over your role, without you around...I'm sure his tune will change. I think most men have that mentality and sometimes a little reality check with bring them around (note-this only has a temporary effect)

I haven't time to read all the responses, sorry! :) One idea is to go ahead and send him the check for all the things you are doing. It would be great for you to go on strike if you can. But if not, each time you do something that you couldn't do if working....ex: cleaning lady charges 100 a week (or whatever I don't know), babysitting for one kid a week 200-250, cooking 30 bucks a day, etc. Tell him to write the check.
Honestly, if you weren't doing these things to help out around the house, what would he pay for that service?

My husband and I are having a similar argument right now. He thinks that I must do nothing all day since the house is never clean all at once and there are always dishes backed up (we don't have a dishwasher), as well as laundry. And he thinks that taking my child to the park is a relaxing break. Yes, sometime if nothing else is on my mind, it can be fun, but I tried to explain to him that I am still supervising her and running around with her...that it is not a 'break' for me. I love my kids (8 and 2, and one on the way), but I am so tired of him thinking that when he comes home at night, that he shouldn't have to 'help' with anything. What's funny is that when I do have things caught up and under control, he actually 'helps' more. (doing the few dishes that are left, picking up toys, or folding a basket of laundry) It's when I am super behind where he doesn't do anything because he thinks that I should 'have it all done' during the day. He complains about not getting time out in his shop (it really pisses me off when he will come home from work, take a shower, then head out to the shop for the rest of the evening, or sometimes a whole saturday or sunday) when the kids and I haven't seen him all day. I get that he needs time to stuff he likes, but so do I. He keeps telling me to find a hobby. I have told him that my 'hobbies' are things that I can't do. I love to travel, I love eating out and visiting new places, and I love to shop for new and interesting things, especially in a city where I don't get to go that often and I like museums, plays, those sort of things. All of those things cost money. I told him I will never be happy with some sort of hobby where I just do it at home for the rest of my life. He wouldn't mind if he didn't travel anywhere the rest of his life (how fun is that?). Anyway, sorry to go off on a tangent, but he thinks that taking care of kids is easy and doesn't see why I find it tiring. I was a single mom for 5 years with my oldest, finished college and worked full-time while raising him. I have been able to stay home with our daughter, and after experiencing that, I can't justify working just to pay someone else to take care of her. And now that we have another one coming, I really can't see paying for 2 kids in daycare just to have a little extra cash. So I understand where you are coming from. I went out for coffee with a friend a couple of times and he thought also was my 'break.' Like you said, it's healthy, but it's not like it's a party. I wish guys could get a clue to what it's really like being a SAHM.

If you are getting the daily chores done and cooking dinner and are still able to socialize with baby club & friends, my only suggestion would be to let him stay home alone all day one day with an 18 mo old, and see if he still feels that way when you come home 10 hours later. Unless he's superman there is no way that the house will be in the condition that you normally have it in at the end of the day, with supper cooked, baby dealt with, etc.

Hum, if he is resenting you consider taking a VERY PT job. I work overnights on weekends and have for the past 2 yrs... it helps take some of the burden off of my DH, they don't quite understand but they don't have to if they are always at work. If you worked he would have to do some of the things you do... and an 18 month old child is plenty of work. ;)

Maybe you could also make a list of things that you do, like a To DO LIST and then cross it off as you complete it and 'accidently' leave it laying out for him to come across it...
Make sure you write EVERYTHING... also you could start teaching your child some things and maybe do some projects with him or her for Daddy to see... write down what the child had for breakfast & lunch... what you shared with your child... it really has no idea and even if he does, he thinks it is a whole lot easier than what he is doing.

We homeschool so DD shares with her daddy what she did that day, in addition, I have a day planner and I write down everything that I do, where I go including shopping etc... this way my planner shows how busy I am. By the way, my DD is 5 yrs old.

You really should make him take care of your baby and the house and all your usual responsibilities all by himself for a few days. Then he'll see how hard the job is. My hubby thought he had an idea of how hard I work. But until he had to take care of our 2 year old all by himself when I was in the hospital having our second child, he really had no idea. That experience helped him really understand what I was dealing with every day. And that was with just one. Our son has developmental delays and is in MDO and therapy 3 days a week. On top of that, our daughter is now 6 months old. So my days are even more crazy now. My hubby told me after having to keep our son by himself that he finally understood why stuff didn't get done around the house like it should. He never complained and he was glad he didn't after having to experiece only a fraction of what I dealt with. So that's what I suggest you do. Have him keep your child all by himself for a few days and do the housework and grocery shopping and playing with your baby and everything you usually do on a daily basis. Then he'll understand it's not an easy job and you do work, probably harder than he does. They say that being a stay at home mom is the equivalent of working 2 full time jobs. I think it's even more since it's a 24/7 job.

Hi,

I see you've had many responses to this already, and many from other M. who are definately in your shoes as well.

I think the solution that makes the most sense is to have your husband take a week of vacation (if that's possible, if not, then at least 2 or 3 days). During that time, have him 'shadow' you--take him with you to the baby groups, have him help with the household work and taking care of the baby. That way, he gets some much needed time off from his job, you get some help at home, and he gets to see first hand what it is you really do, and that it's not all fun and games. Make it an enjoyable time for your family to spend some good quality time together--give him the space he needs to 'get the point', without rubbing it in is face. I think he will be much more appreiciative of what you do for the family, and will go back to work refreshed.

M. R, Let dad fill your shoes for a day when you have all of the normal appiontments going on. He has vacation days and sick days he can use doesn't he? You could use a day off as a mom too. Set it up with him, he won't think it is a breaze then. That means keeping all appionments for the day, cleaning the house,doing the laundry, going to the store, fixing dinner, bathing the child, and doing whatever it is you do for him and the child after he gets home. He needs to do everything you would normaly do for that day. If he thinks it is a breeze he should be willing to take the day off with pay (that you don't get) and fill your shoes. M.

Well you are lucky to even be able to get out! My boyfriend resents me for not working, and has said so in some words. He acts like staying at home to care for a child, cooking cleaning and even working from home are soooooooooooooo easy. He is a truck driver and acts like he is so tired whenever he is home that he can barely change a diaper. If I sleep past 8 am he acts like its a crime. I mean I go to bed way after I put the baby down and I wake up when she does, If he is home and she wakes up in the middle of the night I get her He acts like he doesn't hear her!!!

I understand where you are coming from......I started a home business so I can make my own money, that will relieve some of my tensions.

I have also come to the conclusion that as long as I am doing what makes me happy then who cares what they(men) think anyhow LOL

Mine thought the same thing until he had to stay home for 2 weeks after I had major surgery. He had to take care of 3 kids, the house cleaning and all the laundry and cooking and he thought he was going to die. When he was going back to work he apoligized for thinking that being a stay at home mom was easy. To this day he will help out every chance he gets because he more respect for me and other M.. It was a good wake up call!

No one will understand the work of a SAHM unless they do it themselves. While my husband knows that me staying at home is stressful and alot of work, other people make comments about how being a SAHM is easy.

You going to a baby group is wonderful for you AND your child. It gets the child with other children and you with another adult. If I didn't have the one friend I have I'd go crazy because even though I LOVE staying at home with my daughter and everything sometimes I need to talk to an adult especially another SAHM going through the things I am going through. (I am a SAHM with a 2yr old, 7mo. pregnant with a son, and a deployed husband.)

I didn't have time to read everyone's responses...however; maybe take a week off from doing your household chores that keep him so happy....the clean house, the laundry, the nice hot dinner. Let him know that if you were not home on a regular basis these are things he would be doing with out on a regular basis.

I'm lucky...my husband loves that I can now stay home. He likes to give me a very hard time about it, but he likes me being home.
Jen

One day when your husband has a day off, have him take care of the child, clean the house, do the laundry, go to the grocery with a young child, schedule doctor appointments and make dinner without any help. Then see if he thinks being a stay home mom is easy. I bet that he would be glad to go back to work and would by happy that you have some other M. to talk with.
S.

i have a 2 year old daughter. the plan was for me to be a stay at home mom. well, i went to work about 30 hrs a week for my husband in an office setting when she was 14 months. i love my daughter more than i ever even knew i could love anyone! after weighing staying home verses working, the harder job is being a mother! i work as a receptionist in a psychology office. the days i am at home with my daughter are soooo much more draining emotionally! has your husband ever been left to care for your child for 6 or so hours? that would give him a first hand look on how much is vested in caregiving. not only are you teaching your child what to do like say please and thank you, but you are teaching what not to do like hit, bite, take turns. you are your childs whole source of learning. your child is very tuned in to your every second. children even sense when their parent is in a bad mood or doesn't feel well. when my daughter and i are in any store i am very verbally nice, appreciative etc. and the first time i heard her say thank you to a sales clerk i smiled from ear to ear. someone has to teach your child and if you are the primary care giver then that IS your job. do you prepare meals and keep the home picked up? those are also jobs! you are working 3 jobs. your husband should be grateful you are in a position where you can be a stay at home mom, you're really blessed.

sincerely,

L.

I would encourage you to get a part time job on Saturday or Sunday and leave your husband alone to take care of your child for at least 6-8 hours one day a week. Tell him that you want to make a little extra spending money to buy something that you can't afford. When you get home look at him and say, "What have you done all day. This place is a mess." In my previous job I had to work one night a week which meant that my husband had to take care of the kids, feed them supper, give them baths, and be the homework dad. He had a new found respect for me. And those "What have you done all day" comments disappeared.

One more suggestion. I would stop telling him when you have play dates for your child. He sounds jealous of your social time. He has no clue what it is like to spend 24 hours a day with just a child. You need interaction with adults too in order to be emotionally healthy and so your brain doesn't turn to mush from listeing to kid DVD's like Baby Einstein. :o)

The few times I have had the oppertunity to be a stay at home mom, everyone has loved it. Hubby comes home to clean house, dinner on the table and happy wife and kids. He was smart and realized I had to work to get that all to happen. My suggestion to drive home how much you do is to not do it. Sometimes men think all those little things happen all by themselves. Also go away for a weekend and leave him with your child and he will see how 'easy' it is. Bet he doesn't let you go!!!!

L.

My husband used to think the same thing until I went away to a women's conference one weekend and left him home -- alone. I also talked to my mother-in-law who lives very close and told her not to help him too much. She didn't and he very much appreciates all I do now. You should see him when I get home from a weekend away after having 3 children alone! It is funny now because whenever the kids act up -- he looks at me and says "See what I deal with ALL day!" and that is our little joke now.

From one stay at home mom to another, we know that it is anything but easy. I am a SAHM with a 2 year old and 9 month old. My husband is in the medical profession and is very busy. So I have very long days with the boys. Maybe what your husband needs is a day in the life. Stay at home and do everything. Cook, clean, laundry, errands, and get it all done around a baby on a schedule. That may add some perspective. However, resent should not be a word used in any marriage regardless. He should be so lucky to have a wonderful wife who stays at home. He should be pleased you are being social with the baby. Good luck

my husband was the same way with my first son...i would recommend you either having a mommy day out..like say all day...or even better do a part time job...I work 2 days a week...for the last 3 years..and my husband appreciates me a lot more...

there are a few websites that will list all of the things a sahm does in a day, and then determines how much it would cost you to pay someone else to do all of those things. it is great. with two children, i am worth almost 200,000 a year. thats way more than my husband makes, so i make sure i remind him every so often. my husband told me once "well its not like its that hard to take care of the kids" i almost killed him on the spot. there are so many things that he has no idea about. i just take care of it, so he doesn't even know it gets done. making sure every one has cloths, shoes and haircuts all of the time. making sure we all have food to eat and the bills get paid. im also the homeroom mom for my daughters school, so i spend a lot of time in her class planning parties, activities and making sure they all have what they need. something else you could try, is to make a list of all of the things you do in a day, and have your husband try to accomplish all of these things on a Saturday that he is home. he probably wont even finish half the list. and make sure it is a grocery day that he has to do. men cant function in the grocery.

Maybe this problem isn't all about you. Maybe you need to take a step back and try to see your husband's point of view.

Have you ever considered that maybe your husband wishes he were the stay at home parent or at least that you would work part time so he could have a job that has shorter hours and less pressure? I don't want to seem unsympathetic and I'll probably get blasted for my answer, but I understand from your husband's perspective. My husband is disabled, so ever since our kids were born, they have been in daycare when they were too small for him to easily care for. Now that they are older, they are at home with him if they are not in school.

As the working parent, there isn't really resentment that I have to work and he doesn't - I know he can't. But it makes me feel sad that he gets to spend so much time with our sons and sometimes I feel like I miss out on big events because it is necessary to work. There are times when my sadness and hurt are expressed as resentment of our situation because it is easier to get angry than to hurt.

For me, it would help tremendously to hear my husband say that he appreciates that I work and provide a good life for him - better than he could do for himself on disability. It would help if he told me that he understands my job is stressful and difficult and that I don't always want to go there every day. I think that would blow the wind right out of my ticked off sails.

You know the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence and sometimes my life feels like a treadmill while my husband's days look like a carefree walk in the park with no schedule, deadlines or anyone making him work on something he doesn't choose to do. I wouldn't trade my life for his physical limitations and all the pain he lives with every day. However, I often envy his freedom to decide what he is going to do each day in a way I am unlikely to ever get to do.

Sorry for the rambling and I know this isn't the answer you are looking for. I hope it gives you something to think about.

I suggest he take 1 week off of work and stay at home with the baby ALL day and do all of your daily activities and chores. He will no longer think you have an "easy" job. lol
Good luck sweetie. Sometimes I think men just never get it sometimes. God bless.

Unfortunately, unless he has to fill your shoes he will probably never "get it". Being a stay at home mom is a very hard, long job....and there are times we all just wish we could quit....but thankfully that feeling doesn't last long. It's good you are involved in some playgroups and have some other women to hang with. Women really need other women for support. The main thing right now is forget what your husand thinks and enjoy this moment you have to give your child. You are giving your child the best gift....your time. I promise...you will blink and your child will be grown. These years go by fast...so know that you are doing the most important thing for your child and enjoy it!!

HI
Others always think us stay at home M. have it easy.Geez how hard can it be to stay home and take care of an infant child,tottler or young child..ya right..have they dont it.They dont take in,not only the physical aspect but the emotional aspect also.Who is the one that is taking care of child(ren),house work,laundry,dishes,meals,groceries and everything else that pops up during the day.Plus if you have a farm of any sort or garden or or or..Ya staying home with the kids is great for both the parent and child but those that dont stay home and see what we all do..dont understand how hard it really is.Specially if you are out away from town/city and are isolated with just the children not seeing and adult for weeks at a time.

This is what I would do.One day when you husband is home have him take over watching the kids for a few hours by himself.Give him a list of a few things that you would get done in the time you are out of the house and let him see all that you do without him.Go grocery shopping by yourself without the kids.AT least its something.

My ex of 16yrs thinks the same way.I had it easy staying home and not working.Why should I get anything from him.He isnt taking in account how much he would have had to pay someone else to do all I did those years.

Hope this helps..good luck..
S. B

The biggest thing I see from your post is that your husband resents that he goes to a job and you "get to stay at home." Also it seems he is resentful of money that you are spending going to the baby group. Money and division of labor in the marraige and family business are common and stressful issues. I would suggest a serious family meeting. Openly and honestly discuss your husband's resentments and how his attacks are making you feel. A lot of people are suggesting that you switch roles for a week. Talk about it. He can likely get a FMLA leave. And you can likely get a temp job easily enough. Try it out. There's never only one side to the coin, so my "devil's advocate" position says consider your husband's feelings as you ask him to consider the value you bring to your family. Someone has to take care of and nurture your baby. Would he really want to give that responsibility to someone else? Good luck to you both!

maybe hubby needs to spend a little time with your angel. My husband has always wanted me to stay home when we had children. Guess it makes them feel like a man ;) anywho, but he would also let me go have a "girls night" with friends and he would stay home with the baby. He started learning how frusterating it can be. Then one day, I had to be gone all day, and he had the baby the whole day....I never had a problem with him thinking that my day was easy again. He was calling me every 10 min panicking about "what do I do??? I can't get this done because of the baby and the phone is ringing and I haven't been able to get any laundry or anything else done, what do I do???"

I just sat back and smiled.

Has your husband ever had to spend a whole day with the little one? He might feel a littler different. It's not easy staying home. I hate being judged and people think that we just sit home and eat bon-bons. My husband stays with our son while I work part time on the weekends and that's enough for him :)

Yea, have him stay home with your child for two days with a list of all the things that you do throughout the day. I guarentee he will change his tune when he can't do what he wants when he wants or have adult conversation for two days. Men are so funny aren't they!

Give him the kids for the weekend and stay out all weekend let him see how easy it is....

LOL. Not that your situation is funny, but my secret to that is to go on strike.
Mine said this to me one time. I stated "fine" you do it!
So I went on strike, did my laundry, cooked for me and the kids, and cleaned only the areas that effected me.

I think it was three days, he gave in. They miss the hot meals, the clean clothes, the ironing. etc. He said he took me for granted, and didn't realize what I did all the time, until it wasn't done. haha.
Good luck to you. There are some great responses here!!!!

I can't stand that most men act like this..and my husband is no exception...We have 3 small children and he still thinks i sit and eat bon bons on the couch all day...i'll be checking back to see the advice you get...just wanted to let you know your hubby wasn't the only one...

lol i've had mine start in from time to time on this issue... When he does I will start just not doing the common everyday things... I did get to do this because the baby was into this or that. be like well you see it as I just sit around & dont DO anything... Let me show you what happens when I really DONT DO anything lol he eventually gets the idea. Or I'll say I need you to watch the baby one day...ALL DAY lol I know for mine he's often relieved when i get home becausetaking care of the kid, taking care of his own needs & keeping things done is just more work than sitting around. Good luck hon... Men just dont get it Sometimes!!!

In response to "call around to some day cares and ask for the weekly rates, call a couple of housekeeping services and find out there rates, and call some restaruants and find out the starting wage for cooks, servers, hostesses, bussers and dishwashers...add it all up and multiply it by 24 hrs a day then multiply that by 365. show that to your hubby...the money you could be making for all the jobs you do that you are more than happy to do for free."

I did this and actually kept a detailed list of what I did around the house and found my "worth" to be more than what my husband earned, and my husband's response was: "any woman who has the audacity to think that she is worth more than a man is selfish and deserves to be kicked out on the street. She should be grateful that she has a man to support her while she stays home and doesn't work".

I've also gone on STRIKE for a day and DID NOTHING (since that what he says I do all day) and I got threats and hostility.

I've also had part time work while I raised the kids and any time my job interferred with homelife, I was called selfish and told to quit. And when I wasn't working, I was told to "get a job and stop being lazy".

I went to a M. Group and was told all I do is have fun all day. When I gave up my M. Group, I was told I was anti-social and a hermit and I needed to "get out more".

I've tried all the things listed in this forum and have never gotten an ounce of respect. BTW, my 2 grown kids have turned out great, but of course I get no credit for that....

How am I supposed to deal with this attitude???

This frustrates me so much ... although I don't get this type of reaction from my hubby. He truly understands how difficult (emotionally, financially, socially, etc.) being a stay-at-home parent is. He's incredibly helpful, involved, and very appreciative that I stay home and raise our children. I do, however, get this vibe from other "working" M. and other folks. It really irritates me. Being a stay-at-home parent IS work ... we just don't get a paycheck. It's a VERY hard (but rewarding) job. I have two children (boy, 3 and girl, 15 months), and being a full-time SAHM is demanding and is NOT just a big party everyday! Maybe you should leave your hubby alone one weekend with your daughter and go somewhere just yourself for the weekend ... although that is such a temporary thing, and doesn't quite compare to doing what you do every day, all day ... it might just give him a taste of what it's like to care for a small child by yourself all day. Plus, you'd get a little break for yourself, too! I've done the working full-time thing (until my oldest was 13 months) and have done the SAHM thing ... I think being a stay-at-home Mom is a lot harder (in many ways). Sorry that you have to deal with your hubby not being supportive or understanding. Best wishes to you!

I had the same problem with my hubby. He made me feel like it was my responsibility to do everything. I had to do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. He said since all I do is stay home all day, it shouldn't be a problem. He said he works hard all day and when he comes home he shouldn't have to worry about things. What did I do to fix the problem? Well, I took a vacation without him. For 4 days, I left and he stayed home with the kids, and got to do what I do everyday. He was the Mom for that time. When I came home, he apologized and said he was glad I was home. He didn't realize what my day consisted of. The house was clean when I got there, but not as clean as what he expected of me prior. After that he started helping me out around the house. We divide all of the chores etc. because we BOTH work very hard everyday. He gets it now.

Hi, you have already got a lot of responses on this, but it was all so funny to me, I had to write one too. I can tell you how I dealt with that attitude and it never came up again. LOL For a whole week, I wrote down every single thing I did and the time, then an approx. payment for all of it. The second week, I did absolutely nothing but lay and read books.( I did feed my child and care for her, until he got home from work) I was always and still am a clean freak. I can't stand clutter. So he was used to a clean house all the time, food on the table, in the pantry and fridge and so forth. That week I did nothing, it really piled up. Even when I took my shower, I left my towels and clothes laying in the floor just like he did. We could hardly walk thru our house by the end of the week. I had not opened my mouth the whole time, and he finally said, "don't you think we should clean this house up? how come it looks like this anyway?" Then I preceded to tell him that I was making a point! It didn't just happen magically all the time and I deserved some down time too, like he had when he came in from work, he showered, ate and watched tv every night and all weekend. He got the point! He helped me clean it all up, never said a word after that, and he started helping out in the evenings. I heard him tell someone later that women really had it hard! LOL So you might want to try some of this good advise all these ladies have given,,LOL

Next time you're sick or on his next day off(like that'll happen! haha), have him stay home and take care of your little one while you are in bed all day. And while he's doing that, make sure he gets a couple loads of laundry done, runs to the grocery store for more milk for the baby and makes something for dinner and changes that cat litter, it's getting stinky. Oh and I forgot! He needs to get some birthday cards out in the mail for HIS sister and nephew ASAP and we have no stamps! Gotta run out for those too!And that's giving him just a MILD day.

That's what it took to make my husband understand how hard our job is. Good luck!

Check out the email forward at the end of this message--it so applies to your situation! :)

My husband is a doctor and works long hours too, but he will tell anyone that I could do his job, but he couldn't do mine. You need to leave your child with your husband for a weekend while you hit the road--even if you just go spend the night in a local hotel. I wouldn't leave specific instructions for him, but I would leave a list of things you would do around the house those two days or two days during the week (laundry, grocery store, cleaning list, etc.). Because it's one thing to play alone with your kid for a couple of days, but it's something else to take care of your child AND the rest of life too. My husband has enough experience to know that while what I do sometimes seems like play (playgroup, trips to the park, etc.), I make up for with cooking dinner, running baths, getting kids in and out of the car, bed time, and all that. It's different work than what he does, but it's work nonetheless. My husband is on call certain days of the week, but I am on call 24-7--and so are you. Enjoy the email below. --Another Durham Mom :)

What Do You Do All Day?

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?'

'Yes,' was his incredulous reply.

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it..'

Yeah... I have a great idea. Tell him to take a week vacation. During that week, you go and get a job with a temp service for that one week... doesn't matter what shift.
Leave him to babysit and wash the cloths, keep the house straight, go to his "party" meetings for you with the baby, do the grocery shopping, pay the bills, clean the house and have your dinner cooked for you .......
Then ask him how easy your life is

Ever thought about going on an out of town trip & leaving your husband home to do everything for the baby like you do on a regular basis?? Make sure he does the household chores while you are gone too!!

I would just leave the toddler with your husband for a half a day and he would get the message that play group is a way for your toddler to meet other toddlers and give Mommy a much needed break! I also would not give him any instructions when you leave just say I am going shopping and I will be back at 4 have fun! Also work the route of your husbands ego. Men want to be the provider. Tell him how lucky you are to have a husband WHO MAKES enough money for you to stay at home and raise your child the way you want to instead of paying someone to raise her. Worked like a charm for me!

Keep that smile on your face regardless of what he thinks. Arrange a two day conference for yourself where he gets to stay home with the child. Make sure no one else can help him - your mom or his or a friend. Let him handle it. Stand your ground - you are doing what you need to do for your child. Pray that God will open his eyes.

I am a stay at home mom with a 4 1/2 month old boy. I only work 6 hrs a week teaching a class at the local college. The best advice I can give you..... let your husband handle everything for 2 days. I recently went out of town from friday afternoon until sunday and my husband took care of everything. ever since then he has been very respectful and knows that the days are long and you don't have much (if any) time for yourself. Going to work is what your husband has always done, so why is it any different now. You work hard at home.... cleaning, laundry, keeping after the baby etc.... it is more than a full time job. Think how much more stressed he would be if you worked and came home exhausted everyday after a 9-10 hr day, daycare pickup, unpacking, feeding bathing and THEN had to do stuff around the house. He should be thankful for your work and know that it really helps everyopne's stress levels. I think he needs to take care of everything for 2 days and then he will understand.

The best thing is to put him in your shoes! Since I started back to work, DH takes care of baby one day a week. One whole day, completely by himself. And since I'm part time this means we only have to use a sitter 3 days a week, which I'm grateful for. Now DH says we don't pay the sitter enough! He says she deserves much more. He is so ready to go back to work after his day at home, that work now feels like less work. Don't get me wrong, he is great with DS at home. But now he knows how hard it is mentally and emotionally and physically.
From the outside looking in, it does look easy, till it's your turn.

My favorite cartoon was of this Dad walking into a disaster of a house. Clothes were everywhere, toys were everywhere, and it was a mess. The dad finds the mom, and says, What Happened? They wife responds: "Rememeber when you asked what it is exactly that I do all day? Well, I didn't do it today." (-: I would tell your husband that while you do have a baby group, you don't get a lunch break. While you do get to stay at home, little breaks are to be had. And that being a mom is physically and mentally exhausting. I am guessing that since you have an 18 mo. old, you are lifting your baby all day. And we all know about the mental exhaustion of just keeping up with it all. That is why we meet with other M.. Just like he has work meetings with co-workers. We need to bounce ideas off friends and know that we have some support. And yes, I would find a reason for him to have the baby for an entire day with no outside help. And, how does he feel about his job? His criticism of you might be coming from him being unhapy in his career. You might want to open up conversation with him regarding that. Sometimes men feel trapped in their careers because they feel the responsibility of taking care of the family. My husband was feeling that way, and he is going back to school this year to remedy that problem. Just a thought.

I know it might be hard to do but you should try going out of town overnight and leave him in charge of your baby for a day or two. when he has to take care of the little one by himself he might start being more understanding. also try writing down every thing you do during a day, the time you start something around the house when that's finished keep track of diappers, bottles/feedings, play groups,ect. do this for two days to a week and show him on paper just how little "free" time you realy have. I have an understanding husband, But I've seen this happen with friends of mine.

About me: 28yo SAHM w/7mo boy,Husband works PT @ GTCC

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