October 17, 2012,
M.R. asks from Durham, NC on March 26, 2008
My Husband Thinks Being a Stay at Home Mom Is So Easy
He says going to baby group, which I do twice a week, is like going to a party for me, I meet up with friends as often as possible, I just think it's healthy. It doesn't mean my life is a breeze. I love taking care of my 18 month old and I'm very happy I don't have to work right now, but I hate how her daddy resents my not "working" as he works long hours at a software company. Any resorces that can help him get a little more realistic perspective of what it's like for me? -that although it's social it's not just a big party?
M.W. answers from Greensboro on May 24, 2008
Well you are lucky to even be able to get out! My boyfriend resents me for not working, and has said so in some words. He acts like staying at home to care for a child, cooking cleaning and even working from home are soooooooooooooo easy. He is a truck driver and acts like he is so tired whenever he is home that he can barely change a diaper. If I sleep past 8 am he acts like its a crime. I mean I go to bed way after I put the baby down and I wake up when she does, If he is home and she wakes up in the middle of the night I get her He acts like he doesn't hear her!!!
I understand where you are coming from......I started a home business so I can make my own money, that will relieve some of my tensions.
I have also come to the conclusion that as long as I am doing what makes me happy then who cares what they(men) think anyhow LOL
E.H. answers from Goldsboro on March 27, 2008
I had the same problem with my hubby. He made me feel like it was my responsibility to do everything. I had to do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. He said since all I do is stay home all day, it shouldn't be a problem. He said he works hard all day and when he comes home he shouldn't have to worry about things. What did I do to fix the problem? Well, I took a vacation without him. For 4 days, I left and he stayed home with the kids, and got to do what I do everyday. He was the Mom for that time. When I came home, he apologized and said he was glad I was home. He didn't realize what my day consisted of. The house was clean when I got there, but not as clean as what he expected of me prior. After that he started helping me out around the house. We divide all of the chores etc. because we BOTH work very hard everyday. He gets it now.
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C.H. answers from Parkersburg on March 27, 2008
lol i've had mine start in from time to time on this issue... When he does I will start just not doing the common everyday things... I did get to do this because the baby was into this or that. be like well you see it as I just sit around & dont DO anything... Let me show you what happens when I really DONT DO anything lol he eventually gets the idea. Or I'll say I need you to watch the baby one day...ALL DAY lol I know for mine he's often relieved when i get home becausetaking care of the kid, taking care of his own needs & keeping things done is just more work than sitting around. Good luck hon... Men just dont get it Sometimes!!!
L.T. answers from Fayetteville on March 27, 2008
I think this falls into "I work harder than you." category. It wouldn't matter what your job was, HE always works harder. I think it's a man-thing. I've been married for almost 20 years, our kids are 10 and 12 and I still get this attitude from my husband. Depending on his personality (and yours!) there are several things you can do to "open his eyes" to your world. When my son was about the age of yours I went on strike. If it didn't have to do with taking care of our son, it didn't happen. He came home one evening and we were still in our pajamas. The house was a mess, there was no dinner, no clothes had been washed, etc... when he asked "What did you do all day?" I replied that from today forward I was only going to do my job - which he said was to take care of our son. All of those other things that he refused to admit were work, I just didn't do today. By the third day, he was willing to admit that I did provide a needed addition to our home and maybe he had been a little quick to judge. I did warn all of my neighbors and friends first, though. You can imagine what my house looked like by day 3! Most men do not understand that women can multi-task and do many things at the same time. Otherwise, we'd never get anything done. Men, usually, only do one thing at a time. They just can't relate. You could also try leaving hime with your child for the day, but don't forget to leave a list of all of the other things he must accomplish at the same time. They tend to "babysit" their own children and don't do anything else, while we have a whole list of "to-do's" that we must also accomplish.
1 mom found this helpful
S.F. answers from Charlotte on March 26, 2008
this is one of my fav emails received in my life:
JUST A MOM?
A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk 's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself."What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job or are you just a......?""Of course I have a job," snapped the woman. "I'm a Mom." "We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like,"Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "What is your occupation?" she probed. What made me say it? I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. "Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?" Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field,(normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?)and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom." Motherhood! What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door. Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" and great grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"?I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants".
1 mom found this helpful
M.E. answers from Lexington on March 26, 2008
call around to some day cares and ask for the weekly rates, call a couple of housekeeping services and find out there rates, and call some restaruants and find out the starting wage for cooks, servers, hostesses, bussers and dishwashers...add it all up and multiply it by 24 hrs a day then multiply that by 365. show that to your hubby...the money you could be making for all the jobs you do that you are more than happy to do for free.
1 mom found this helpful
B.S. answers from Louisville on March 27, 2008
since staying at home is such a breeze, for his next vacation he should plan to take over your role, without you around...I'm sure his tune will change. I think most men have that mentality and sometimes a little reality check with bring them around (note-this only has a temporary effect)
A.S. answers from Omaha on March 31, 2008
I haven't time to read all the responses, sorry! :) One idea is to go ahead and send him the check for all the things you are doing. It would be great for you to go on strike if you can. But if not, each time you do something that you couldn't do if working....ex: cleaning lady charges 100 a week (or whatever I don't know), babysitting for one kid a week 200-250, cooking 30 bucks a day, etc. Tell him to write the check.
Honestly, if you weren't doing these things to help out around the house, what would he pay for that service?
M.P. answers from Topeka on November 24, 2010
My husband and I are having a similar argument right now. He thinks that I must do nothing all day since the house is never clean all at once and there are always dishes backed up (we don't have a dishwasher), as well as laundry. And he thinks that taking my child to the park is a relaxing break. Yes, sometime if nothing else is on my mind, it can be fun, but I tried to explain to him that I am still supervising her and running around with her...that it is not a 'break' for me. I love my kids (8 and 2, and one on the way), but I am so tired of him thinking that when he comes home at night, that he shouldn't have to 'help' with anything. What's funny is that when I do have things caught up and under control, he actually 'helps' more. (doing the few dishes that are left, picking up toys, or folding a basket of laundry) It's when I am super behind where he doesn't do anything because he thinks that I should 'have it all done' during the day. He complains about not getting time out in his shop (it really pisses me off when he will come home from work, take a shower, then head out to the shop for the rest of the evening, or sometimes a whole saturday or sunday) when the kids and I haven't seen him all day. I get that he needs time to stuff he likes, but so do I. He keeps telling me to find a hobby. I have told him that my 'hobbies' are things that I can't do. I love to travel, I love eating out and visiting new places, and I love to shop for new and interesting things, especially in a city where I don't get to go that often and I like museums, plays, those sort of things. All of those things cost money. I told him I will never be happy with some sort of hobby where I just do it at home for the rest of my life. He wouldn't mind if he didn't travel anywhere the rest of his life (how fun is that?). Anyway, sorry to go off on a tangent, but he thinks that taking care of kids is easy and doesn't see why I find it tiring. I was a single mom for 5 years with my oldest, finished college and worked full-time while raising him. I have been able to stay home with our daughter, and after experiencing that, I can't justify working just to pay someone else to take care of her. And now that we have another one coming, I really can't see paying for 2 kids in daycare just to have a little extra cash. So I understand where you are coming from. I went out for coffee with a friend a couple of times and he thought also was my 'break.' Like you said, it's healthy, but it's not like it's a party. I wish guys could get a clue to what it's really like being a SAHM.
L.L. answers from Nashville on March 26, 2008
If you are getting the daily chores done and cooking dinner and are still able to socialize with baby club & friends, my only suggestion would be to let him stay home alone all day one day with an 18 mo old, and see if he still feels that way when you come home 10 hours later. Unless he's superman there is no way that the house will be in the condition that you normally have it in at the end of the day, with supper cooked, baby dealt with, etc.
V.C. answers from Louisville on March 27, 2008
Hum, if he is resenting you consider taking a VERY PT job. I work overnights on weekends and have for the past 2 yrs... it helps take some of the burden off of my DH, they don't quite understand but they don't have to if they are always at work. If you worked he would have to do some of the things you do... and an 18 month old child is plenty of work. ;)
Maybe you could also make a list of things that you do, like a To DO LIST and then cross it off as you complete it and 'accidently' leave it laying out for him to come across it...
Make sure you write EVERYTHING... also you could start teaching your child some things and maybe do some projects with him or her for Daddy to see... write down what the child had for breakfast & lunch... what you shared with your child... it really has no idea and even if he does, he thinks it is a whole lot easier than what he is doing.
We homeschool so DD shares with her daddy what she did that day, in addition, I have a day planner and I write down everything that I do, where I go including shopping etc... this way my planner shows how busy I am. By the way, my DD is 5 yrs old.