Stay at Home Moms... - FPO,AP

I guess I actually like being a stay at home mom for that reason. I feel like I get to clean the house my way and I like that. My husband has to work a lot and I love being able to take care of the house and kids while he focuses on his work. I even snowblow and do all the yard work in the summer so he can just hang with the kids - and me- on the weekends and evenings. So I guess I am not much help, but I hope you can find a good balance soon.

I just LOVE being home with my children (most days) of course some days are stressful. I used to be a working mom and now I cherish being home with them. I love taking care of them and making a nice warm home for them to live in.

I also LOVE LOVE LOVE taking care of my husband. This was not always the case. I too fell into the, trap where I thought he should help with normal house work and pick up the slack after work. I thought he should make his own lunches and take care of his own clothes. The result of this was an unhappy marriage and a less than willing husband. He was a grump. He came home watched TV and never lifted a finger.

Then came the change from me. I decided to do everything I could to make him happy, even though he wasn't doing the same for me. His clothes are always clean and put away. ALWAYS! Even if no one elses are. I get up early every morning and fix his lunch and coffee. I try, the key word being try, to keep the house picked up. With 5 children this is not easy and somedays the evidence is clear that I didn't clean anything. I don't ever EVER ask him to clean or pick up anything. Not even his own things. Every evening he is met at the door with a smiling wife, happy kids and a yummy dinner. I cook our meals for him, and that seems to make them more special. I also stopped complaining about anything that has happened. I make sure to listen to his day, even though I don't have a clue what he's talkin about.

During times when I'm stresssed out with the kids, I think about what my husband is doing. I think about the traffic he has to sit in twice a day. The boss he has to listen to. The fact that he has to eat lunch at a certain time. I think about the fact that if he's a little tired that day he can't simply forgo doing his work and take a breather on the couch. He can't laze around in sweats and slippers.

None of these changes were easy, at first. He was still the same for a while.I kept on it. And, then one day, he changed. It was a miracle. He started helping pick up, WITHOUT BEING ASKED. He would offer to let me take a bath so I could relax after dinner. He began being so sweet to me.

It's easy to get into the SAHM rut. I used to dwell in it daily. I don't think that men shouldn't help around the house. Of course they should. But their are things that are the moms jobs since she cares for the home and children. Our husbands don't expect us to come to their job and help out.

One of my favorite things to tell him is, "If you go out and make the living, I'll be here making the living worthwhile"

I was given some very wise advice from a woman who had years of happy marriage under her belt. She said, marriage is not 50/50. It's 100/100. You should always being giving 100% of yourself, even when your partner is not.

I learned that when my husband feels like the king, he treats me like a queen.

I hope some of this helps you as it did me. My marriage and life is so much happier now.

God bless you sweetie.

PS: Dont stress off of the house being cleaned everyday. Once you let that go you will feel better. It's never going to be clean. Check out flylady.net it's a lifesaver. Once I stopped having expectations about my home it was easier to stop and enjoy my children and husband. The mess will be back tomorrow, but your kids will grow up and leave.

I worked for many years before getting laid off right before having my son. It was the best thing ever! I love being home with him and I do almost all the childcare and taking care of the home. I think the problem in your situation is that you are feeling overwhelmed and kinda offended by your husband who honestly, like most husbands, is kinda clueless. He probably knows that you are just better at the kids and the baby and he wants to be out of your way. This is esp true if you are annoyed with him and he knows it. Newborns are not really "fun" for men...don't be hurt. I think you need to get out of the house, get together with friends, and have a very important talk with your husband. I think the laundry issue is you just getting back at him for his perceived offenses towards you. Having a newborn can be really tough and isolating sometimes. I think you will have a change of heart once you spell out your expectations to your husband and take care of your needs.

It is a balancing act... and not easy. The feels you have I think many stay-at-home-moms feel and experience on many occasions. For me the biggest thing I have to keep reminding myself is that hubby is not going to do everything the way I want it because we do/handle things differently. I do tell him to take out the trash and play with daughter (with TV off) just about everyday, it seems like nagging but he knows that what I do is not all fun and relaxing all day.

I understand that he works all day, but I also work all day taking care of the house and kid(s), we both need to relax at some point... at first my hubby really did not realize how much I do until we arranged for a "me" day. I left before daughter got up and came back at supper time (had coffee by myself while reading a book, got a hair cut, had lunch with some friends and hung out with them all afternoon). He had to do what I usually do during the day, I wrote out a schedule of what was planned for that day (get kid(s) up, feed breakfast, dress, play a little with the kid(s), nap if needed, library to return & pick out books/CDs, home for lunch, play outside till nap time, during nap time clean kitchen & bathroom, straighten out rooms, figure out what to MAKE for dinner, maybe have time to watch 30 mins of TV or read, kids wake up, quickly vacuum, play with kids, start dinner). When I got home he completely understood how much I do during the day, I also mentioned that that was a light day since there was no running kid(s) to school, laundry to do, or deep cleaning of the house. We agreed that when he gets home he can take 30 minutes to decompress from work BUT then he needs to jump right in after that and help with the kid(s), then after dinner I get to decompress for 30 minutes and then I jump back in and help put the kids to bed.

Hmm.. I'm another one that loves being a stay at home mom. I love taking care of my babies and making sure that they are raised in the way that I like. I couldn't imagine ever, ever, ever leaving my babies at daycare for any amount of time, much less 50+ hours a week. I had my children so that I could raise them..

About housework.. My husband and I have a division of labor. He goes to work, does outside chores and plays with the kids. I do all the cooking, cleaning, and day-time child care. I am NOT a nanny or house-keeper. A nanny/babysitter is a totally different job title, they do not love the kids they're raising. I am a MOTHER, teacher, provider, wife, and lover of my family.

It's all about attitude. Personally, I couldn't imagine that any job is more important than my children and household. I see people at their 9-5 jobs and wonder how that could ever be a better choice. Until the last 50(or so) nearly every woman raised her own children. It's interesting to me how in such a short job something so natural has turned into a chore.

I think the best way to over-come being isolated as a sahm mom is to GET OUT and make some female friends. My sahm friends keep me sane, give me someone to chat with at the park, help in my garden, etc.

Really, it's all about attitude, friends and hobbies. Your babies are so important. :)

Communication with your husband. I am 22 and 36 weeks pregnant with our first child. I quit my job 2 days before mother's day last year due to the fact I wasn't going to risk my life over some clothes for 8.50 an hour. not to mention my husband was leaving for Afghanistan for an entire year and my job wasn't going to let me see him off. So I told my husband I wasn't going to work anymore and just be a stay at home wife for a while. Well when he came back for his 2 week vacation I got pregnant with our son in July. And thankfully my husband got to come home from Afghanistan in October. Some days I used to feel like all I did was cook and clean for him even though I had the worst hormones ever I felt like he never helped. Which he admits he didn't because he was still have issues from when he was in Afghanistan and even now he does sometimes but all I had to do was talk to him. I told him how tired I was and how hard it was to do certin things. After a while he caught on and now he does pretty much everything. He does all the dishes, takes out the trash, pays all the bills, and even cleans the bathroom. He's not the best cleaner in the world but that's ok. I have to help him cook but since I can't stand for very long with out getting light headed I help him from the couch. Sit down with your hubby and just tell him what's going on, and make sure you tell him just because you are a stay at home mom doesn't mean he doesn't have to help. Being a parent is a two way street and if you aren't working together nothing is going to work. Hope that helped. :)

I think you may be looking at your "position" from the wrong angle. I think only since women's lib have women started looking at things this way. Think back a few decades ago when it was rare for a woman to work outside of the home...were men expected to do anything BUT go to work and bring home a paycheck? Maybe the yard work and such, but otherwise, no.

Being a "Domestic Engineer" is a very demanding job and not for the lighthearted. I look at it like this...until I start contributing to the household income and payng bills, it is 100% my job to maintain the house and kids. I take pride in my job just as I would if I were bringing in an actual paycheck. My payoff is seeing how happy my family is and watching my kids grow and learn everyday. All I ask of my husband is that he take the garbage to the curb on garbage day, maintain the lawn, and shovel the snow. Other than that, I do it all. I manage the kids, I keep up on the housework, I do the grocery shopping, I do the cooking, the laundry, the homework helping. I even serve his dinner to him. I do everything domestic. All of it. Even on his days off. I don't get a day off. If I do go somewhere after he gets home from work, I usually take at least 1 of our 4 kids with us...but not always. Why? Because he is clueless when it comes to caring for them (especially the little ones) because he is only able to spend about 20 hours a week with them. He works 70+ hour per week, and I really would only be able to "clock" about 30. I don't count the times before school, dinner time and bed time...why? Because if I were working a "real" job, I'd still be doing these things anyway as a mom.

My point is that you have to learn to embrace your responsibilities and realize that you'd probably be doing most of it AFTER working 40 hours per week. At least you get to answer all of your children's needs, and not a sitter. As far as him spending time with the kids...he does need to be reminded that it needs to happen. Especially with the baby. Men are not hardwired like we are when it comes to babies. My husband has little interest in our kids until they are about 5 months old. Not because he doesn't like or love them, but because he just doesn't know what to do with them when the fuss...again, because he doesn't spend as much time as I do with them.

If you want to spend most of your day cuddling your very NEW, precious little baby - do it! You're taking too much guilt on yourself.

Whether or not your husband agrees, your value is not tied up in a paycheck or a perfectly clean house. Your value is being there during the most important and fleeting years of your children's lives.

Wish you luck - lots of hugs.

Hey honey! Let me tell you, I work from home, and even though I work more hours every week than my guy, I'm still responsible for all the housework and 'babysitting'. Same as you, he thinks because I'm home that I should be responsible for everything (and it's very cute he thinks I have time between my job and the baby and running the older kids around to do ANYTHING ELSE!) The way I feel better about it, is I stopped trying to do everything. If the dishes sit in the sink for a day, no one cares and the world keeps turning. I do NOT have to do laundry every day. If I don't vacuum for 2 days, no one is going to say anything. I pace myself. It's ridiculous for you to try to keep the house like it was before your baby was born :) Cut yourself a little slack and enjoy the time you have with your little one... also, get your 7 year old to help out. My 4 and 6 year old are awesome helpers... They make my boyfriend feel stupid when they can get their dirty clothes in the hamper, but his are still sitting on the floor... now THAT'S what I call teaching by example, even though the tables are turned! One more thing, get out of the house. I'm not talking about going to run errands... take the baby out, get some fresh air, find a new park to visit and walk around and enjoy life. This is seriously help you maintain a little sanity! I totally understand how you feel, you're SO not alone in this :)

i like to be sahm mom because it giveme time to be with my kids all the time but sometimes i feel the same as you the oly things i do is cooking,cleaning,laundry and watching 3 kids but at the end of the day i like it,i try to go out a lot i take my kid to all the practices he has all week so in the evening we are not home and that help me not to feel like the maid in my home also at night i have me time that i use to be in the internet and do some work

I try to view my job as more than a maid. I am a homemaker, meaing that I am trying to create an atmosphere where my family can feel comfortable and relaxed. Right now, I am back to being a SAHM because our family is making a major move and I am getting our home ready to sell. When I was not staying home, things didn't get done and now I am having to play catch up. Long story, but my 17 year old with Asperger's autism is begging me to be a SAHM and not go back to work after we move. That appreciation inspires me to do the best job I can do at home.

That being said, I will likely want to go back to work as I enjoy my job, and we may need the money.

Give yourself praise, and realize that there are things you are doing beyond maid service.

I am also a stay at home mom. I get no help at all from my husband & I agree that I feel like a live in maid. I also breastfeed our son but my husband would always help with the burping. while my husband was watching tv they would cuddle. when I start to feel overwhelmed with everything my husband takes our son & they go tickle. how I got him to atleast help that way I had to ask him to. Sometimes guys just don't get it the way moms do. So maybe if you sit down and ask him to help out with your children he will ralize you do need help. its not as easy being a full time mom as the movies make it out to be. hopefully that helps

i had to start working from home! lol. I adore being a stay at home mom and i love my kids, but i need a little something extra to make me feel like i am more then just a "mom". so i started working from home. The money isnt huge, but it really helps me with a big self esteem boost and it helps with my husband too because he understands that, yes, i am home, but i am also working when i can. http://www.PerfectWorkForMoms.com if anyone wants to check that out at all. i wish someone would have told me about it years ago!

I feel the same way and its killing me. I have tried bringing it up to him, but we are having problems anyway right now so I am not pushing that issue. I try to get out as much as possible and try to let my friends watch my little girls as much as they can so I can have a little me time. I love being a housemom, but am sick of feeling like a maid. I have no advice but if you get some good advice could you pass it on... Sorry about the way its going... Ash

I think men have a hard time when a new baby arrives. They don't know what to do and feel like they are in the way. All of your time if focused on the new baby and your older child. He's not getting the attention anymore and he doesn't know what to do so you need to make him feel involved and yes that means asking him to help you with things because he probably won't make the first move.
As for being a SAHM, I love it. I don't feel like a maid or babysitter. I see myself as providing the best care I can for my child. I never thought I would love being a SAHM I have worked since I was 14 (I'm now 36). I thought I would hate it but it has turned out to be the best job ever for me. Very rewarding and I feel like if she were in daycare I would miss so much.
Get your husband off his butt and have him help you. If it's taking out the garbage or just holding the baby so you can have some alone time whatever. You need to tell him so you both don't start resenting each other.