Hurt Niece

That is sad to hear, I don't know what would be worse feeling abandoned or being told that your not wanted. I was about 13 years old when my dad was leaving state and wasn't telling me and my sister. I started up and rebelling ( my mom had her hands full).She needs alot of support and love. If she likes to write get her a journal and tell her to write what ever she wants in it and that it is only for her eyes unless she wants to share. Atleast she can get her feelings out. With my experience it took me over a decade to really forgive my dad which we talk now, but I wouldn't talk about it and I would always defend him when someone talked bad about him.Good luck on what ever you do.

That is a horrible thing to go through! Most of all acknowledge her feelings, that she is hurt and that was a terrible thing for him to do to. Tell her it is his decision and she can decide to do better than that and she can decide to forgive him if she wants. He is really missing out and someday will realize what he did and feel really, really bad, even though it may take him a long time. If you are religious you can talk about God and how he feels about it.

How HORRIBLE for your neice, what a jerk! This is a hard one, If it were my neice I would just be open and frank with her, at 8 she should be able to understand that just cause her "dad" doesn't want her doesn't mean that the rest of the family doesn't and that no matter what happens she is loved. I think she is going to need time and all the love that can be found for her, she is going to need breathing room and a lot of understanding, she is going to act out, I think even under normal circumstances that would be normal, don't ignore them, correct her where she needs to be corrected but always follow it up with a hug! Always remind her of how special she is. I hope things work out. I can't imagine being 8 and told that I wasn't wanted, my dad left when I was that age but he never told me point blank to my face that I wasn't wanted, it hurt but it very gradual when he left my life. Extra Hugs to your neice....she needs them!

I believe the most important thing you can do is give her a safe place to come. Be a constant safe environment for her, with rules, and consistency and love. Don't bad mouth her dad, or her mom. Let her talk if she wants to but have it be about her feelings, not yours. She has so much to work through, she doesn't need to feel she is carrying the weight of other's emotions as well, It might make it harder for her to open up. Kids are resiliant. It hurts, it is hard but they get through it, especially when there is a loving environment they can go to for safety. I had a home like that as a teenager. One of my BF's houses. Her mom required I maintain the family rules and help with chores (I was there A LOT) she didn't let me wallow. She would tell me she loved me and that I came from them too, and I had no reason not to turn out right. It sank in. It probably felt to her like she was talking to a wall but I listened and I loved, loved that she was that person for me. She never said anything negative about my parents, to this day I have no idea what she thinks about my sitch. Just listened. She listened and then would ask what we were going to do about how I was feeling. She taught me to think about what I was responsible for...me. And it worked. She was probably the most firm hand in my life, but it was with so much love too. I strive to be the kind of mom she was/is. And to have my home be the kind of open environment of love and safety that she had.
If her mom is open to it, it would probably also be a good idea for your niece to get counseling. That is the other single most helpful thing I did.

The poor girl. That's so sad.

I have a friend who's granddaughter was going thur something like that. The GD ended up living w my friend and then they (my freind and the girl's aunt and uncle) slowly transitioned(sp) her into a good schedule and then into living w her aunt and uncle who are now her adoptive(sp?) parents. They were very honest, but tried to keep it rated pg becasue she was so young, about the same age as you niece. nearly 5 yrs later my friend's GD is doing great.

I think that I would explain to her that there are just some people that are just going to do what they want and not always think or care about who they hurt. There may come a day that her dad will change, and that day may not come until she's all grown up. That day may also never come, because he may never change his mind.

You can't really answer for him why he's doing/saying the things that he says so if she ask why, while she's still young, I whould just let her know that you can't answer that. There are loads of reasons that he may have, but you are not him so you can not answer that for him. As she gets older then I think it's ok to give her your thoughts on why he's "leaving".

I think that I would also let her know that yoiu know how much she must be hurting inside, but acting out is not the right way to handle the pain. Let her know it's ok to cry, and to talk and to be mad and once in a while it's ok to yell. Suggest to her to write about how she's feeling or to draw about. It's a good way to get those feelings out. If you can tell shes upset about it and she's trying to talk to you and she's about to just break down and cry, just hug her close and tell her that its ok to cry and let her know that one day her heart will heal.

If she starts to worry about you leaving her then just tell her that you are not her father.

My SD has a hard time talking about her feelings so I picked up a book that is published by American Girl and it's geared to girls about the ages of 7 to 12 and it's about your feelings. All the different types of things you cna feel and why you may be feeling that way and how to cope. It's a good book. So maybe you can get that for her (I found it at Target) and when she's having one of those days or moments then go thur the book w her and just help her out.

And I do agree w that last poster about giving her lots and lots of hugs and letting her know that you love her. I sometimes ask my kids if they know why I love them. If they give me an answer like "because I share my toys" I tell them that that is something that I love ABOUT them but NOT WHY I lvoe them. Then they ask me why and I answer "I love you because you are YOU."

Good luck and don't forget all that love and hugs that she needs.