How Would You Handle This? (Woman W/crush on Husband Is Overly Friendly)

I would un-friend her, and have your husband do it too. Even if you take the whole jealousy thing out of the picture, he needs to protect his professional associations, and her photos/behavior aren't helping him. He can say (and you can say) that the photos are a bit much for someone you met professionally and will occasionally see in a professional setting, and are obviously meant for her true good friends only.

He needs to step up and, rather than make jokes about how hard it is to be married to him, just stare at her blankly when she is cozying up to him. He may need to say straight up, "You know, this is a professional networking event (conference, lecture) and it's essential for everyone's careers that all behavior be strictly business-like." Then he needs to excuse himself and say, "Oh, there's Joe. I need to connect with him." Then he moves to another circle of professionals. He should absolutely sit with a different table at any luncheons. I know he doesn't want to be rude, but she is not helping his career, and he's not helping his own by being charming.

You say she's not doing anything wrong. But she is. She's being unprofessional.

You don't have to be so careful - you are not making 'friends' with your husband's professional contacts. I would say so, and suggest to her that she is in these classes to advance her career, not to be friends with people's families, and you don't think you have any professional contacts that can help her. You might suggest that she use Linked In rather than Facebook for professional contacts, but do not let your husband connect with her on LI either. It's going to hurt him professionally.

In time, she will move on to another target, and your husband's professional reputation will remain intact.

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J.,

I was on your side until you said you "stupidly accepted her friendship request." Yes, that sure was stupid! I don't understand why you cared about not being rude to this potential home-wrecker. You should be rude to her, actually! She is WAY out of line and needs to be stopped. By accepting her friend request, you just enabled her to continue flirting with your husband. You didn't mention if your husband accepted her friend request. Since you did, I assume he did, too. Shame, shame (that goes for the both of you). Part of me thinks that you and your husband want to have a 3-way with her. I just can't believe that both of you accepted her friend request. I guess you and your husband like drama and like to live dangerously. I see a train wreck happening here. You complained about her, yet you accepted her friend request. That is contradictory, and makes it very hard for me to have sympathy for you.

Assuming you and your husband do not want to have a 3-way with her, here is what needs to happen - BOTH of you need to defriend her and ignore her if you ever bump into her in person.

3 moms found this helpful

YIKES, sounds like she's got you exactly where she wants you! Insecure, defensive, threatened!

You are allowing her to effect your marriage.

That's just silly.

Why not embrace it? Why not be her 'friend'?

You and your husband can giggle about her ridiculous antics together!

....unless of course, you have reason to not trust your husband.....

:)

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I'm pretty sure there's a way to block her from even being able to write on your wall. I would just "unfriend" her if it bothers you, I've worked in a professional setting and do it all the time if I'm just not comfortable w/ someone seeing my info. I'd suggest that your husband unfriend her as well, especially since her profile is full of provocative photos like you said, sounds like she's either really looking for attention or doesn't have much common sense. If it upsets her, well...so what. So long as you have a trustworthy relationship with your husband I'm sure you have nothing to worry about.

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On facebook set her to limited profile. Then go into your settings and privacy and have it set that limited profile can view next to nothing. I have it set that limited profile, can not view my post, can not see my photos, can not post on my wall and can not see my personal infromation.

I usually have people from way back when, high school, and boss/people I work with set at limited profile. Now those old high school friends may graduate to my friends setting where they can interact with me more but for the first few months I kind of have feelers out on what type of person they are (I do not want anyone swearing, causing drama, rude or provocitive able to interact with me).

Setting her to have little to no interaction with your facebook is the way I would go. If she really will have no positive proffessional or friendship potential I would unfriend her all together and talk with hubby about doing the same.

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Wow how creeptastic of her. First off don't respond to any of her postings, she'll get the hint. Since you are worried that she might have an impact on hubby's career I agree you might have to tread lightly. But, I am curious. What does your husband say about all this? Have you talked to him about it? Not that I would expect him to do anything about it, but if he knows her better than you do maybe that's just how she is, way over the top. Maybe what you read into her was wrong..or maybe she is just a nut. Talk to your husband about it, if she is making him uncomfortable too then that's when action needs to be taken. Sounds like he has made himself clear that he loves his family and I wouldn't worry about her too much. I know it's hard, I would be chomping at the bit to, however chances are if she is posting things that are very, umm.. off color? then she won't be in the professional world for too long.

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Not politely. I would be crystal clear and my words would be damaging. Gushing over a married man is not "super nice"-it's repugnant and it needs to stop. Professional circles do not include women who throw themselves at married men-that is perceived to be unprofessional. You have to be careful about how you treat her? Uh-No!

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I'm w/Theresa (as I usually am) on this one. Keep your friends close, but your 'enemies' closer.

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If I was in your shoes, I never would have accepted her facebook request if she made me sooo uncomfortable upon meeting. If you trust your husband the way you claim you do, then what was your motivation for accepting her request? I don't have facebook, I know ALOT of people who do, but I will never understand why grown adults feel the need to have so many people know their business. If it's for actual friends and family, fine, but what is the point of personally connecting with business acquaintances? The easiest solution, IMO, is for both of you to unfriend her. Maybe her intentions are innocent, maybe they aren't, but who cares? This is your marriage, your LIFE, and why throw wrenches into it unneccesarily (sp?).

1 mom found this helpful

Hello J.! It sounds like she is going to get herself in enough trouble that you won't have to deal with her seeing your husband in professional circles anymore.

Trust your husband. Maybe you both should unfriend her on FB. It's a polite but firm way to remind her that you want to stay on a different, NON-PERSONAL level. Hope this helps. Good luck, and have a beautiful weekend!

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Hi J.,

I do understand where you're coming from. And you have been doing good as you showed that you trust your husband. I would definitely suggest that you open up your feelings to your husband. In this way, your husband would not be put into a situation where he is off guard. Try to ignore all her comments in facebook, although this would be a little difficult if you're used to giving comments to other friends who have left you good comments. If you made sure the roots of your family were deeply rooted, then no one could ever come into the picture of your family and destroy it. Make the extra effort to make yourself more pleasing and more desirable to your husband. This would make him focus his fullest attention to you. My husband is also trustworthy when it comes to other women.

1 mom found this helpful

SHES A STALKER!!! Get RID OF THIS WOMEN!!! You know that theres no good in this whole thing, Go with your gut instinct.. Your a women we are born with good ones, follow them. Better to do so then not and have to look back!

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Danger Will Robinson
you should both de-friend her and ignore her. it will temporarily hurt her feelings, but honestly who cares? She is a danger to your marriage (maybe not now, but don't think she wouldn't jump at the opportunity to find a weakness), there is nothing "light" or "silly" about the way she is acting. It's not appropriate. You can still see her in professional circles without being her "friend." Tell her you dont mix your personal and professional lives. She sounds like she desperately needs attention and if you BOTH ignore her, she will move on to someone else who gives her attention.

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You don't say how old either of you are, so I'm just guessing here. Maybe she really would like to meet a nice good looking man and settle down. Do you or your husband know a nice single guy? Talk to him, ask him if is willing to meet this woman, make a double date with the woman and this other man for drinks and dinner. Of course let her know you are setting her up on a blind date. She may go for it. Talk to her, tell her you are uncomfortable because it seems like she is flirting with your husband and um he's married, but you know a man she might like. Sometimes single women, who are looking, cast a wide net so to speak. She may not be interested in your hubby but just wants the lifestyle the two of you have. Most single women know if a man will leave his current wife for her, he will leave her for another woman later, because he's a player. She doesn't want a player just a nice guy.

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You didnt' mention whether your husband will ever have any professional contact with this woman again. Is the class the limit of the contact they'll ever have? Does she work in his same company, maybe in another office, so it's possible they may cross paths? Or does she work for some totally different firm in another industry so they won't likely run into each other again? If he isn't going to encounter her at work or at professional events or conferences for his own job and firm, I'd unfriend her, get him to do the same -- yeah, if you do, he should too -- and forget her.

If he is possibly going to at least run into her again, well, I'd still both unfriend her (he can tell her with smile, "We're trimming our friend lists to just family and close friends and no longer using it for professional contacts") and make sure he knows how VERY uncomfortable she makes you and that he should be cool towards her if he simply must be in her vicinity professionally.

As for Facebook -- this is one of the reasons my husband and I aren't on it: It's just too intrusive in so many ways.

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Sheesh, Momof3, I would have accepted her friend request too if my husband had. It's a "keep your enemies closer" kind of situation IMO. Dear lord, it has nothing to do with threesomes. This Mom is just asking for help, not harsh and crazy out-of-line judgements.

Anyway. I'm sorry you're going through that. I probably would have done the same thing, to avoid making her angry/retaliating. But it's not necessarily helpful if she is indeed on the unstable/stalking side. Both of you should de-friend her and when she tries to friend you again on FB - and she will if there are any sort of unsavory motivations going on - be more direct and tell her that you think she's probably a very nice person but her behavior is sending weird signals to you and your husband .

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Well, I definitely wouldn't have friended her on FB...but now that it's been done, UNfriend her, and tell your hubby to do the same. If she calls, emails,or stops by your house (doesn't sound out of the realm of possibility) and asks you what's up, tell she's going way overboard and it makes you uncomfortable. Aside from that, IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE. Life's too short to let a strange a$$ stalker come between you and yours. :)

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Have you seen the movie obsessesd? If you haven't watch it with your husband. That's what your headed for. I look at it like this; we all get flirted with but this woman is taking it too far. Some people are attracted to a person in a committed relationship because they are good man and they want what you have. I went through that some little tart was throwing herself all over my man, he found it flattering in the beginning but she kept trying to hang around him. My husband tried nicely to get her to back off because they worked together but she found it to be a challenge; so he asked me to handle it. At a business function, I saw her and went up to her with my husband and more or less I degraded her, called her by the wrong name and stressed the point of me being his wife and that any woman that throws herself at a married man has no respect for herself and any man that strays will never stay with that kind of woman because it wouldn't make him faithful but a cheater; so if you think at that point your getting a good man you are not, he is in fact considered a cheater and she is the garbage recepticale; and he will roam again. Then, I let her know that her sexual harassment has been reported to HR and that if she continued down this path...she shouldn't so move on. She moved onto another department. My husband was happy that I handled it and is now more careful. -- Be honest with your husband, but go at it lightly since it hasn't bothered him. Tell him you know that he has to correspond with members of the opposite sex on his job, but there is a line that shouldn't be crossed when dealing with the opposite sex; that relationship must be kept on a professional basis and once the line is crossed into facebooking, personal pictures it only leaves the door open to other issues that could make things worse; please stop this before it crosses that line and you end up in an obsessed moment like the movie.

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i would be casually nice to her. i dont know about being friends with her on fb, i wouldnt have done that, and i certainly would block her access to your life wherever you can, but now that you have, i dont think i would unfriend her unless you can think of something to tell her that wont upset her. not cause you care what she thinks, (she sounds a little scary to me), but because i think that someone is less likely to "go after" someones man if they think of his wife as a friend. i would think someone is more likely to try to hurt someone who hurt them, you know, a keep your enemies closer kind of thing.....

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well, i would say this is the time to be the most wonderful wife you can be. ;) even though nothing has happened, and you dont think your husband would do anything, keep your wits about you. its not time to get "lazy" and forget about the deep love you and your husband have. make love to him often, do things together, and just make him feel like the king of your world (after all, he is isnt he?) usually women like this run from happy husbands in happy marriages because theres one bond they cant break and thats true happy successful love in a truly happy and successful marriage. :)

so, if you like, pretend that shes competition, and do the things you would do if you were dating your husband, keeping his interest, and making sure that he doesnt have time to think of any other woman but you. ;)
if nothing else, it can rekindle/tend any flicker of a flame that you might have in your marriage! :)

I was kinda in this situation last year. My husband had a friend at work that he hung out with and took walks with during break - she was young and kinda ditzy and had the reputation of the office ho. I flipped out (and I am NOT the jealous type) and demanded he stop being friends with her. Long story short - it almost ruined our marriage. NOt because he DID anything (or she did anything either) but because I was FREAKING OUT OVER NOTHING. Look at what else is going on in your life - is this women really a symbol for some other issue? In the long run - that's exactly what was happening in my situation. We had a new baby, my husband was working 70 hours a week then coming home and working some more - we were both over stressed and just vulnerable. I felt I could CONTROL the interactions w/that woman - but in the end I couldn't. It blew up - we ended up in 6 months of counseling - and I even had a crazy lunch time "date" with the other women - and in teh end it all worked out - we renewed our vows and are stronger than ever - but in retrospect I wish I had never dedicated so much time and energy into this woman. I guess that is my true point - she's got in you in a bind over nothing - give it back to the universe and focus on that beautiful family. :-)