October 24, 2012,
K.I. asks from Lindenhurst, NY on October 23, 2012
I Know I Am Jealous...
But I just can't help it! Or stop being it!
So here is the situation: There is a woman who we met last year through my sons baseball team, her son was on my sons team. She immediately took a liking to my husband and sought him out to make conversation every time she saw/sees him, giving me only a slight acknowledgement. Since then we can not seem to get away from her. She has 3 kids and we have 3 kids. Each one of her older 2 kids goes to elementary school, in the same class as my 2 oldest boys and our 2 youngest kids go to the same preschool at the same time, just different classes. So we see her at least 3x a week.
During baseball season she really rubbed me the wrong way. She is a graphic designer and my husband is a computer programmer so they had something to talk about initially...but since then she has found every opportunity to make herself available to my husband and I just can not stand it. At the 2nd to last BB game she asked my husband for his e-mail address so she could 'e-mail him pictures' she took of the game, my husband being his same friendly self, gave it to her and said thank you for the offer of the pictures. The part that rubs me the wrong way is that she didn't ask him in front of me, she waited till I got up to take my daughter to the bathroom and then came over and sat in my seat and asked him. When I got back she was siting in my seat and husband told me, in front of her that she had pictures for us and that I should check his e-mail for them. She looked genuinely disappointed and almost like she was trying to 'share a look' with my husband?? I said thanks and was polite but that was about it. I am put off by her and really do not try to engage her b/c I feel she is being shady. From the beginning she has only expressed/showed interest in only talking to him and not me. On several occasions (if not most) waiting till I was up doing something else to come over and talk to him.
Now last week I get a call from husband at work saying that this lady has asked to be his friend on Facebook. He accepted and then said he thought he should have asked me first b/c he knows I have a funny feeling about her. I told him how I felt, which is that she is trying to come on to him without doing it in an outward/forward way. Now mind you, she has never done or said anything inappropriate, it just seems to me like she has done everything she can to make sure my husband knows the door is open, so to speak, should he want to make the first move.
Am I being paranoid? How would this make you feel? They have no friends in common, meaning she had to search him out to ask to friend him on Facebook, which means she was thinking about him. She can plainly see that I am listed as his wife on his page and could have just as easily asked to be my friend on there but she did not. I find this odd. She also said one day at a BB game that she thought she saw him downtown. When he said no, she was like are you sure? I swear it was you. This also strikes me as odd, she is imagining seeing him around town now too?
I know I am just being jealous but like I said up front, I just can't help it!!
My Mom and my sister think that I should be really nice to her and make her my newest BFF....and be like, so I hear you FB'ed my husband? I would never do that, that is just not me. Seeing how she has yet to say anything to me about the FB thing, I guess I am most bothered by the fact that she might be thinking that she has a secret with my husband that I do not know about and it is driving me crazy!
My husband is oblivious. To his credit though he is pretty darn handsome and is used to being chatted up by woman of all ages...so he doesn't find this odd....but when pressed and asked how he would feel if the situation was reversed he said that he would absolutely think that the guy was trying to hit on me and that it would be highly inappropriate for him to FB friend me.
As always, any and all opinions welcomed and appreciated.
So What Happened?™
I know a couple of you have said this is all on my husband, but it really is not, he hasn't done anything wrong...and he will do whatever I want him to do, whether that be de-friend her or what? I just haven't known what I want him to do, if anything? My husband only talks with her to be polite and only when she engages him and I have not wanted to tell him 'Hey, shut her down' when she hasn't actually done anything yet, ya know?
I am the one that needs to deal with my feelings on the matter and I appreciate all the answers thus far!
~She has been un-friended!! :)
J.S. answers from Minneapolis on October 23, 2012
Have him set her up as an anquantance on facebook - and set himself so that only his "close friends" can see his posts. He can hide her posts so he can't see her daily stuff - and it's like she doesn't really exist to him on FB unless he goes looking for her.
OR - he can just unfriend her and leave it at that.
7 moms found this helpful
C.W. answers from Lynchburg on October 23, 2012
Hey in my 30's-
I would do exactly as sarah has suggested...but in addition, I would 'friend' HER on facebook...and see how that goes over!
6 moms found this helpful
S.M. answers from Visalia on October 24, 2012
I only glanced at the other responses, but just wanted to say that sometimes a super nice husband needs his wife to rescue him from unwanted attention. He doesn't want to be rude, it would make his look presumptuous, so be rude for him.
Let her know that you guys, as a couple, do not have opposite sex friends outside of couple friends because it's just doesn't look good. You can say, "You understand, don't you?" Just tell her you're letting her know since she didn't. Don't come off as being suspicious, that way she can save face.
4 moms found this helpful
S.E. answers from Wichita Falls on October 23, 2012
C.O. answers from Washington DC on October 23, 2012
ETA: I had my husband read this - he said your husband is BRILLIANT!!! When you came back and he told YOU that she will be sending photos...brilliant...he said - stop worrying.
She is most likely coming on to him - but he is not buying it. He already told you he feels "off" by her.
I would not act crazy around my husband - he's being open and honest with you - he's oblivious to her. Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill. It takes TWO to tango...if he's not playing - there is no game.
14 moms found this helpful
D.S. answers from New York on October 23, 2012
I don't think you are being jealous, I think she is very shady and up to no good. I say go with your gut. Have your husband un friend her on FB and have a heart to heart with him on how you feel about her intensions. I think it is best he keep himself far away from her!!
8 moms found this helpful
C.C. answers from San Francisco on October 23, 2012
I think you should trust your gut. It sounds like every instinct you have is screaming at you to beware of this woman, and I think you should listen to your intuition. Her behavior is definitely shady.
What I would do is have your husband PM her and say, "(your name) is going to friend you, because she's on Facebook way more than I am. That way we can still see pictures from the kids' games without missing any." And then he should un-friend her. There, done!
Likewise, let your DH know that you're uncomfortable with this woman's attention to him, and that you have a bad feeling about it. Since your husband is always getting hit on, and you don't freak out about all those other women chatting him up, he should recognize that you have legitimate reason for concern. Tell him you absolutely trust him, but there's something about this woman you just don't trust, and you hate for him to be put in an awkward position. Tell him when you are at the kids' events, you'd prefer if the two of you didn't sit right next to this woman. It's one thing to say hi, and another to cozy up to her and have her going behind your back like she is. That is SO not okay. I'd put a stop to this right away. DH may be oblivious, but you need to clue him in.
8 moms found this helpful
A.V. answers from Washington DC on October 23, 2012
I would have a heart to heart with your DH. He may be oblivious, but you can clue him in. The two of you may also need to come to a new understanding/agreement about electronic communications and social media. It makes you uncomfortable and he admits that if the roles were reversed, he wouldn't like that much, either. So I think he needs to quietly unfriend her, or put her on a restricted list or tell her that he is trimming his friend list and it's not personal but he's cutting back. Lots of people go through the "I'm trimming m list!" thing on a regular basis and if she is on FB often, she should be familiar with it.
I wouldn't necessarily confront her. Instead, your DH should be taking more care so that this doesn't happen in the future and that he shows everyone that YOU are his WIFE and he is NOT LOOKING and NOT AVAILABLE and that you two are a team. If you are not getting that vibe from him, then you and DH need to shore up your relationship so that this isn't an issue.
I don't worry much about what other women do because I know my DH's response. You need to feel secure like that, too.
So it is up to HIM to do things like say, "Can you give my wife her seat back, please?" and "My wife and I...." or "This is our shared email address. I'm sure Mrs. Cool Husband would love to see the pictures, too." Make it clear you are a team.
7 moms found this helpful
L.M. answers from Chicago on October 23, 2012
Yes, I think she is coming on to him. I'd go into his email account, if you haven't already and get the pictures. Reply to her from his email that you appreciate her sending them so she is sure that you are checking his email account.
You should send her a FB friend request of your own and see if she accepts. In addition, you should be able to log onto your husbands FB account so you can see if she is sending him messages. Or, better yet, your husband should unfriend her.
Sounds like childish game playing, but it makes it so much harder that she has not done anything overt to pursue your husband. Any confrontation right now would make you seem like a suspicious, jealous wife - even though your gut feeling is probably right - and she would be able to say "You're crazy if you think becuase if by friending your husband and sending him some pictures, I'm pursuing him." Then you look silly, even though you are right.
And, your husband is not oblivious - at least not anymore. You have explained to him how you feel and he seems to see it from your perspective. It's now your HUSBANDS responsibility to respect your feelings and distance himself from her. He may actually be flattered by her attention and not really motivated to discourage it - which is completely different than acting on it. The ball is in your husbands court, not this womans.
For example, if she approaches him while you take your daughter to the bathroom, when you come back, you need to, first, take your seat back, then you and your husband need to be engaged in each other so she feels like the intruder.
7 moms found this helpful
K.S. answers from Denver on October 23, 2012
Oh HELL no. What she is doing is not ok. I can't even imagine ignoring the wife in favor of the husband, just not appropriate. And trying to have all these 'in's' with him, no way sister. Sounds like your hubby is awesome and as you said, hasn't done anything wrong.
I would for sure reply to her e-mail to him from his account, a clear statement that you are on there. If it were me, I would ask my husband to do what Catherine suggested- simply message her on FB and say "hey, was just thinking it makes much more sense for you to be FB friends with my wife- she's on here so much more than me, thanks for sharing the BB photos with us, that's so nice!" and then unfriend her. If she says anything about it, be blunt, saying 'why would you be friends with him and not me?' puts it back on her. But if he feels weird or badly about this, I wouldn't push it.
Mostly, be clear with hubby about what you are feeling and that you appreciate him being aware of it and a little tighter with boundaries for your sake. You don't want to be on him all crazy, so if he knows clearly what your expectations are, there shouldn't be any surprises, and you already know you don't have anything to worry about. I just know my husband can be a little oblivious at times and not quite get what makes me crazy or not. Once I spell it out, it's over.
I don't know about making her your BFF, you already have reason not to like her. Just try to be civil and keep a distance. You may have some years ahead of you to deal with this chick. Good luck.
7 moms found this helpful
B.C. answers from Norfolk on October 23, 2012
She's definitely making a play for him.
Your husband is the one who needs to laugh her off and tell her point blank she doesn't stand a chance with him and she's only embarrassing herself by throwing herself at him.
What both you and your husband need to understand is - repeated undesired advances/attention is sexual harassment.
It's not cute or nice - it's stalking.
There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with 'shutting her down'.
It's actually a kindness to her - she needs to 'hunt' where there's available prey - and your husband is not available.
Quit dancing around it.
7 moms found this helpful