How to Tell Whether I Am Helping or Enabling 36 Yr Old Daughter

Talk to her psychiatrist about getting her into an assisted living residence.
She needs to make this transition before you pass away and it really sounds like you can't keep up with caring for her anymore.
10 years ago would have been a good time, but you stuck with it for as long as you could.
I'd get her living where she can get the care she needs - even for getting her to appointments - and I'd gradually back off on visiting her till it's once every other week or what ever frequency her psychiatrist recommends.

I have a cousin who cannot live alone due to mental health issues. His parents put him in a residential program years ago, and of course he complained about it. A few years ago, the residence and he got sick of each other (new owners of the residence was part of the problem) but he qualified for housing and supervision under the state department of mental health. He complains about that as well, and his brother now supervises his care/finances (parents died in the last few years) but they don't let him live with them. The DMH manages his meds, all his meals, and his money (he gets an allowance through social security and disability) and the brother keeps an eye on that. He's too disruptive to have in their home. He complains about where he is and won't really participate in things, but they get him to therapy or he takes mass transit. If he doesn't cooperate at a minimal level (doing chores, etc.), they have the right to move him out and give his room to someone else on the waiting list. The brother advised the staff to take him on a tour of the rest home he'd be sent to - let him see the options and so on. That's enough to get him to calm down. Psych adjusted his meds and he's dong a little better, but he will always live in a structured situation.

Contact your daughter's psychiatrist and find out what services area available from the state, what you have to do to get her recognized as disabled, and set up a trust or whatever is needed to manage her money with you and perhaps a bank officer as co-trustee if there is not another family member who can be 2nd (after you). I'm not sure of the legalities for an adult, but that's what we did for our kids.

I would suggest you start talking to senior residences about places you might like to live - start with independent living but perhaps one that has a campus with short-term nursing care (let's say you break a leg and need help for 4 weeks...), and ultimately the option for memory care units should you need them. My mother did this - she kept her car for years, but ultimately gave it up in her 80s and used the van service. She had activities, a meal option but a full kitchen as well, an in-house bank and exercise/fitness area, cultural activities and more. Your house equity will cover the downpayment. Do what you need to so that all of your finances are in order. Do not discuss any of this with her until you make your decisions. Start talking to a realtor about what needs to be done to market and show the house - and whether than can be done with your daughter on the premises. Have the realtor discussions off-site.

You cannot fix your daughter. That's okay. You have to provide for her and you cannot be ruled by her "I'll be dead" remarks. Maybe she'll do better with a third party, maybe she won't. But the current situation is unmanageable. And the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result.

Good luck. I know this is painful but sometimes we have to realize we help our children most by not helping them continue as they are.

Does she receive Social Security benefits or SSI? You might try consulting a lawyer who deals with estates, Social Security, disabilities, etc. She might qualify.

I definitely agree with contacting her psychiatrist and letting the doctor know how serious things are at home. Not taking medications is a huge red flag.

You might also consider contacting NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and ask them what options might be available to you or to your daughter.

what an awful situation. my dear, i am so sorry.

yes, it's on you to a degree, but i can see how this would happen. and regardless of who's responsible, it's got to be dealt with now.

i think you need to speak to her psychiatrist (just you, not her) and find out what resources are available to you. does she receive disability? it sounds as if she needs to be in an assisted living facility for folks with incapacitating mental issues, and i know those are hard to get into.

i totally agree that you need to get out of the Blues House. it's time for you to stop raising this perpetual child and look to your own needs. i also understand that it's really really hard.

i know it's the Always Advice, but i really think you need counseling on your own as well. you need some good sensible outside reinforcement because the way you're living is not balanced and sane. it's hard to see what 'normal' is when you're in an altered reality.

good luck, hon.
khairete
S.

I understand exactly what you are going through. There is only so much you can do, she is an adult and has the right to make decisions concerning her health and taking medications. However, since she has so many issues she may not be capable of making wise decisions. I agree with B you need to get her moved into a group home or assisted living facility.
As a parent we always want to take of our children. But once they are an adult, unless you are appointed as guardian, there is very little you can do.
You do not have to be responsible to take her to her doctor appointments, she can learn how to use public transportation.
Once she is settled into a facility she will learn how to use public transportation and to be responsible for herself. As difficult as this is to hear she is not your responsibility, she is an adult. She has to learn to take care of herself.

Do her doctors say she is capable of living on her own? If so, what do they suggest you do in order to empower her? How do you help her get to that point?

These are questions I would be asking her doctors. If necessary, see a therapist yourself. You might really benefit from talking to someone about your place in all this.

If you are asking it, you are.

Talk to her therapist/psychiatrist about what she is really capable of doing, then let her do it.

B has good recommendations for you.

I have a family member with mental health concerns. When not medicated or getting help, it can become quite bad. She then can reach out and it can feel 'too much' and I feel stressed, even though I want to help, I am not the best person to help in some situations, and I feel bad - guilty even.

You are not trained to help her in these areas. You have to admit that, and accept it. In some ways, it is freeing. You need to recognize that someone else is more qualified.

Get help. For yourself, and then figure out (once you are in a better place) how to help her help herself. Sometimes you just have to let people figure that out. You might need support to help you allow her to take that step. I think having someone guide you - would be what you need. No doubt this is very hard.

If you need a supportive group of moms to listen, we're here. Not easy.

(Mental health issues don't make a lot of sense and so don't try to figure it all out - you can't. There's no point. It's not about being lazy. Just ignore all that and don't overthink. Leave it to the professionals. You wouldn't take on an illness of another sort.)

Oh, wow, this made my eyes well up since without my meds, I would be just like your daughter. First of all, you need support. Like someone else suggested, contact NAMI. You could also look into Codependents Anonymous. You have been an amazing mom but if your daughter is unwilling to take her meds there is not much you can do. If I refused to take my meds I'd be a hot mess and unable to care for myself, but I'm an adult and know that unmedicated, there's no saving me. Get support for yourself, give your daughter resources and don't beat yourself up for letting go. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Does she qualify for and receive SSDI or other benefits? I'm just wondering if her mental needs are even enough to qualify her for services and/or an assisted living type of situation. The PCOS isn't disabling and generally speaking, social anxiety disorder isn't either. It sounds like much of her "issues" are don't want to's, instead of "cant's".

Part of the issue is you kind of created this monster by enabling her, even crippling her, to the point that she is reliant on you to meet her needs. 15 years ago would have been a great time to start weaning her off of your resources, but now she is approaching 40 with few skills and a whole boatload of problems.

I'd see what I could do to help her move out - clearly it best happen before something happens to you that just throws her to the wolves. As much as she is responsible for her life, you are equally responsible for what you have created.

Try to make it a roommate situation your mind. Then it may be a little easier.

Has she had counseling? 20yrs ago tomorrow I suffered a severe brain injury, coma, etc, and was referred to one of the top rehab hospitals in the country. Over the 20yrs I have put my mom through he!! and treated her like s#!t. I now feel awful for that.
I had a physical problem, deficit, damage that caused me to act that way. Does your daughter? Has she gotten help?