Refuse to Let Adult Child Move Back Home?

I think maybe if you let her live with you now, she will never feel a need to make better decisions and move out. She may feel like if she's going to eventually live with you due to her disability, the sooner the better. My mom is mid-50's also, and I'd honestly probably die of stress if she came to live with me and my family :-/

Maybe she needs to fall all the way down to pick herself back up and make wise choices.

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You have stated the situation in a very rational, balanced way and you're clearly a much more mature and responsible person than your mom. I agree your mom should be take care of her own issues. I don't know the nature of her disability, and whether that has any bearing on whether she needs more help than you are ready to give. Assuming that she could get by if she made the right decisions, I agree with you that you shouldn't rush into having her live with you. I am all for helping and supporting family but you shouldn't have to sacrifice your privacy for someone who makes bad choices.

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I am 50, and cannot imagine not having learned to take care of myself and to avoid drama. Some people thrive on it. They like chaos and the attention.
I always say I wish I could harness that energy for good instead of evil.. hee, hee.

I would avoid allowing her into your home, because once she is in, it is practicality impossible to get her out if all hell breaks loose.

Maybe you could suggest you will help her find a good roommate.
Maybe a place to live.. But try to hold off having her in your home. You are an adult and you need privacy and some peace.

No guilt. You must be happy to be able to function and not turn into a basket case yourself.

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I truly believe that sometimes I love family a lot more long distance. No way in hell could I live with any of my or my DH's family. We need and value our privacy for sure. If you let her move in now, good chance that she will never leave. I cannot imagine dealing with that...

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No way. Don't enable her. You are entitled to your privacy. I believe you would be at each others throats inside a week!

Sidenote: My MIL, who was a capable and wonderful woman, moved in with with my SIL when the going got tough. I warned my SIL that I thought it was a bad idea. Well, it was a bad idea. This was two nice people who where not into drama. My MIL knew it was bad and moved out...... but your Mom likes drama. She would never leave, and I don't see why she EVER has to live with you. You can love your Mom AND take care of yourself. Rescuing your Mom is not helping her or you. At some point help her to get government help or something and find her an alternative....... even if you have to help financially. Don't ruin your peace or jeopardy your marriage.

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I wouldn't do it, to be honest. She will not just magically turn into your "mom". She will continue to act like a teen. She won't save money - instead, she'll spend it like water, and if you try to tell her what to do, she will resist or let you have it.

It is wonderful that you learned from her poor example what NOT to do for your own life. So many kids end up doing what they've been taught.

Your marriage is more important, to be honest. I have to say that if I brought a family member into my home who acts like your mother, my husband and I probably wouldn't be married anymore.

I would NOT assume that she will have to live with you one day. Please say that she has disability since she is disabled~ if she doesn't, what you CAN do is find a lawyer who helps people who qualify for it, to get it. When she is 65, she can go on Medicaid and stay in an assisted living facility. It might not be pretty, but it will save your marriage and your sanity.

It's not YOUR fault that she is a drama queen and ignores good judgment. You can't control this, but you CAN control your own life, and you need to keep her cohabitating with you out of the picture.

Good luck,
D.

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Ahhh, this so could have been me! Thankfully my mother moved to China and married a man 27 years younger than her. She's his problem now!!

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Right now if she messes up, it's only herself she's bringing down.
If she lives with you, her decisions might bring you down too.
If she moves in with you now and she lives to 75 or more, are you prepared to live with her for 25 years or more?
I wouldn't do it.
You've got your own kids to raise - they are your first priority, and it's not your job to raise your Mom.

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my thought is, your FIRST priority is to YOUR children and husband. period. if her being there will cause drama (is there any chance it wont?) then you have an obligation to look out for your family first.

it is a bad situation, but as you have said, many times, "bad situations" are at least partially (usually mostly) due to poor decisions. you can help her, advise her, even give her money if you can afford it and she needs it, but i would not invite her into my home. as i said, your first priority is to keep your children safe and happy and raise them to be independent, functioning members of society. can you imagine the ramifications if you open up this giant can of worms?

good luck, we all have our cross to bear don't we? hang in there.

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At this point in her life, it is extremely unlikely that she will ever change regardless of whether or not she comes to live with you.

The only way I would let her live in my house is if she paid rent. I would then put that money in a separate bank account to save for her old age days (if she needs special care or a nursing home). Or use it for a rent subsidy if she eventually moves out again. She does not need to know that is what you are doing with the rent.

In terms of needing your privacy, you will have to figure out if the guilt and stress of her on her own is worse than the loss of her privacy. Make sure the rest of your family is on board with this as well. If you decide to try having her live with you, then think through ground rules very carefully. Sit down with her and make sure she feels she can live by the ground rules.

Good luck, I agree you are in a tough position.

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OMG, this story is all too familiar with MY MOM! I have been supporting her and giving her money for living expenses since I was 18 years old. I left her "care" when I was 17 because she was so irresponsible and unstable. She is on disability right now and it's not nearly enough to have a decent living...it's below the poverty level. It took me a long time to get where I am, and i have to constantly remind remind myself that her poor decisions in life got her where she is now and are not my problem! Here we are, 20 years later and nothing has changed. She is up to her usual shenanigans trying to get a free ride and I can't hold myself responsible for it anymore. I will never allow her to live in my house because of her lifestyle and irresponsibility. I have my own family to share my life with and take care of. My husband has tolerated it up until acouple years ago. DO NOT let her come between you and your significant other, she is not your obligation. SHE needs to figure out what she is going to do for the rest of her life, not you...and please don't. I had such a guilty conscience for the longest time, because I have a nice quality of life and have to remind myself that "I" created it! My mom expects a piece of the pie because I am her daughter she feels entitled. My husband has had it with her because she expects, expects, expects! I recently told her to never consider staying with us and/ask for money. It was very difficult but necessary.

Instead of giving you straight advice, I wanted you to see the thought process of someone that has this in common with you. Sorry my thoughts were so scattered...they usually are when it comes to her. She makes me nuts! Good luck!

Don't let your conscience lead you...you need to find a way to deal with that. She needs to figure things out for herself so that she isn't at your house EVER! I have to go, and will come back to edit and finish.

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Go with your gut. You know that if you move her in with you, the drama will be part of the deal. You already know you don't want or need that. LIke someone else said - your own family is your higher priority, especially since some of her issues come from her own poor decisions.

But no, you can't abandon her; however, she is still young enough to turn things around somewhat. Help her but not by taking her in at the risk of messing up your own life right now: Make an appointment for BOTH of you with a financial planner. Take every single financial, disabilty and tax record she has. She needs help getting an exact monthly budget set up, based on her income. She needs to find out whether she can live on her own financially. She and you need to research whether there are local, state or federal government housing programs for which she could qualify based on disability; there may be housing out thtere for her but she might have to move into it. She might even be eligible for food stamps if things are tight enough (and she is willing to take them -- does she see a stigma in getting help like food stamps or government-subsidized housing? If so she is cheating herself).

I might first call your local social services office as well as a financial planner. I would do this all with her -- it sounds like she might not follow through if you make appointments for her and expect her to get there or absorb it all for herself; if you want to keep her living independenly you will have to do a lot of the legwork yourself but it could be well worth it.

Also: You never mention anything about how your husband/boyfriend/significant other feels about what you see as the inevitable "she must live with us one day." He may not feel that way at all, and you don't want to end up with this issue damaging your relationship and family. Please be sure you and he are on the same page about the future and where your mother does or does not fit into it.

Don't wait -- call social services and a planner today. Many banks offer financial planning, and so do many "women's centers" -- often totally free.

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Don't offer housing until it becomes absolutely critical to do so. At her age, reality is that it will not be a temporary solution. She will be there to stay *permanently* and because she is still so very young and mobile, she will expect you to cowtow to her way of living. She will want and expect to rule the roost because she is your mother. She will spend all of your money and create discord in your home and with your family by putting her needs above your family's needs.

When truly elderly parents move in with their children because of bonafide physcial and financial limitations it is a very difficult transition for all parties involved. The parents are learning to deal with the fact that they now must rely on the help of others and are in the decline of their heallth and quite possible their life. It's a painful emotional process. But an important one because it is nature's way of preparing families to say goodbye. There is a lot of giving up of power, freedom and roles. And with this situation, the solution is usually not a long term one, considering age, health and circumstance.

What you are describing is a woman still very much in the prime of her life who is choosing to live dysfunctionally and will in effect take you along for the ride with her, if you let her. Your instinct is right. She should remain on her own for as long as possible. Under the circumstances you describe, if she were to move in with you, the circumstances wouldn't be what you are expecting. I suspect she'd continue making her mistakes and would then attempt to spend up your finances and peace of mind to continue on with her dysfunction at your expense. You would in effect become an enabler to her bad choices.

Your best bet is to support her from a distance and continue to encourage her the best way you can to be self-sufficient. If possible, tell her to seek a finance counselor to help her streamline her life and get spending under control so she can live within her means.

If she is on disability, has she explored if there is any government program she may qualify for? She should explore every option available to her before you ever consider having her move in with you. She has many years of youth ahead of her, disability and all. She needs to plan accordingly. If for some reason something were to happen to you, what would she do then? She needs to put her ducks in a row, and not at your expense.

Do not feel cold hearted doing this. Real love can be tough too. You wouldn't be of much help to her if you wound up just encouraging destructive behavior and your own emotional and financial demise in the process. She needs to get help from the appropriate resources. You should be the last stop, not the first for that help. Worrying about her coming to live with you now will only set you up for uncessary trauma and troubles. You would be doing yourself and her more of a service helping her to care for herself now, than just resigning to the fact that you're going to be her crutch down the road. It is best for everyone to be self-sufficient as long as possible. Most people DO NOT want to be subject to someone else in their old age....that is a total giving up of independence and freedom. If she is independent minded...help her to stay that way. Tell her she needs to make better decisions starting with getting help from the right sources.

Yes, some parents must come live with their children because of money and health. But it's not their first choice...for them it's their ONLY remaining choice. No one wants to give up autonomy. She's young and still has many choices left to spend. Don't forget that. Set yourself emotionally free from feeling accoutable for her choices and subsequent mistakes. She's only doing it because she assumes you'll be there to pick up the pieces. If you don't make yourself available in that way, you will be amazed at how resourceful she'll become and will find a solution on her own.

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I've never been in this type of situation or known anyone who has. I don't think you should let her move into your home. It will disrupt your entire household and put a strain on your marriage. Let her try to figure it out for awhile until it becomes absolutely necessary for your to take her in. Do not feel guilty about your choice.

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It doesn't sound like she's eyeing your extra space, so try not to borrow trouble. Your mom may very well enjoy the madness in her life and may not be seeking a change. Unlike previous posters, I don't believe counseling and guidance are going to suddenly show her the way. She's in her 50's... old enough to have made a change if she wanted one. This comes from someone who will willingly take in any of our parents, should they need it and be willing to live with us. It just doesn't sound like that's where your mom is.

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Be very careful of taking your mother to live with you. My Mom filed for a divorce in 1999 and it was final in 2001. My dad was an abusive --mean --drunk. With her settlement Mom bought a house, an upper lower duplex, that we have shared now for 10 years. 10 years ago Mom was 84 and able to get her own breakfast and do her own dishes ect. I thought promising to take care of her involved helping her with cleaning and laundry and making dinner every night and for about 5 yrs it was, then she fainted, fell and broke her arm. When she got out of the hospital she moved into my apartment and hasn't done any self care since.
Shortly after we moved into this house I tried to get her to take out long term care insurance, she refused. She also refused to put the deed to the house in my name or transfer her bank accounts to my name.
Now she is 94 dying from heart failure and I had to litterly give up my life to care for her. I can't work, see my friends, even take the dog for a walk because she can't be left alone. If she goes into a nursing home the home will attach any money in the bank and the house; so at 56 I either give up my life until she dies or I end up homeless and broke. NO ONE should ever have to make that choice.
Before you take your Mom in contact social services and talk to a counselor from the Aging and Elderly Care Department about what services are available for her. Since she has no money or property Medical Assistance should be available for her and that will pay for a nursing home or assisted living apartment. Social Services will also be able to set your Mom up with counseling and life skills training.

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You didn't say what her disability is, and that could make a difference. I think it's reasonable to let someone live with you for a couple of months if absolutely necessary while they are getting their life together (looking for a job, an apartment, whatever).

But since I'm about your mom's age, I think mid-fifties is WAY too young to start falling apart and having people take care of you.

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Lol, this post could almost be what my daughter would post about me. Please bear with this long background explanation. For my example, my 5-1/2 year relationship with, who I thought was a good man, just ended with no warning. Believe me, the circumstances regarding this still don't make any sense as to why he chose to end it. Anyway, I have not worked since October of last year, so I have no income until I get a disability retirement from my previous employer, and/or Social Security Disability. It was only with his agreement that I stopped work. He had taken on the responsibility of payment of the bills, the house payment, insurance, etc. Well, with his abandonment, the only bills he is doing now is the phone, and the car insurance. Both of those are in my name, but he's paying them because he still wants to drive the car he has, and wants to remain on the phone plan that we have. Right now, I am facing the reality of losing the house and trying to get the things I will need when I do lose it in a storage area until I can be able to be somewhere on my own. A difficult task since I have many health problems and limits to how much/what I am able to do. Along with that, I am very bad on financial decisions, and the ones I make, sound like what you said about your mom. On the other hand, my daughter is amazingly good at financial matters (lol, except that I was there, I would not believe she was born from me).

With that, my daughter and her fiance have just bought a house that is a pretty good size. She brought up to me that I could live there for a short time until I can get on my feet. Her idea of a "short time", in her words, is "for a year or two". If she agrees to one plan, I could live in the area of the house that has two very large rooms, and is downstairs, so it is out of the way of the rest of the house. The other plan that she has in mind is for me to have one bedroom in the main part of the house. If it goes that way, quite honestly I would rather not stay there unless there was no way I could get anywhere else to live. In either case, my "contribution" to the living arrangement, would be to basically do what I did before my kids were grown. I would be doing the laundry, dishes, housework, and cooking meals, as well as watching my grandaughter when they go to work. When my retirement comes through, I will also be able to help with the utility bills until I get my own place. From what you describe of your mother, I see many similarities to myself. The only one that I don't see as similar is the "drama" part of it. Pretty much, when I get into a relationship with someone, I try to make sure that it is someone who will be compatible in "the long run". The thing that I believe as far as your mom's situation is that she will probably not be any better on her own than she was before. Your idea of "tough love" makes complete sense if she was actually able to get by on her own. For your mom though, it would probably be more like being cast adrift at sea. She is mid 50s, and it would be difficult, if not impossible, to make a behavior change. That you and your husband were able to work through your tough time, is because your personalities are such that you could. It is not necessarily a matter of taking "the easiest path" that she would need to be allowed to live with you, it would be the best way for her to feel secure, and be looked after. You said that her income is not really enough for to live by herself. That's not going to change. Generally, if you have a retirement income, it stays at a set level, unless an allowance is made for higher costs of living. There would be an increase, but proportionately, it still wouldn't be more. Rising prices on everything will still exceed what the increase would be. It isn't "giving up on herself" either. I'm sure that there would be many ways she can contribute to the household dynamics. As far as your privacy goes, if she butts in to much, or you and your husband feel she is interfering with your business, then explain the problem to her, and let her know that there are boundaries. Explain that if you two lived under her roof, you two would respect her boundaries. You said you had no grown children, but you referred to a teenage daughter. Any worries you might have about your private privacy should be equivalent to those you have for your teenager. If she is wanting to have a guest, I would also make it clear that if her guest is just visiting, that is fine, but if she wants to have a guest overnight, then they would have to go to his place, or get a hotel. If she stays out later than your routine bed time, I would also make it clear that when she comes in, she needs to do it quietly, and not disrupt the house. When my kids had grown, my son had moved out, then moved back in for a while. What I said above was the way we handled the situation. My house is bi-level, so basically, my living space was the main part of the house upstairs, and his was a bedroom, a common area, and the half bath downstairs. My daughter also had her bedroom downstairs, and she shared the common area with him. That actually worked out pretty well, and privacy problems weren't an issue.

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I let my mom move in with me after leaving my first step dad. I knew she was making a mistake by marrying him, but she was an adult. She found out the hard way she made a mistake.
She had nowhere to go and left with her clothes and a few heirlooms.
I got her a job where I worked and she later found a different job she really loved. She saved her money and got herself a darling little trailer house and did just fine.
She later married my step father who I adored and they let me move there with my baby daughter after a domestic violence incident. They watched my daughter and I worked until I could save up for a house.
It's not ALWAYS a bad thing to help someone out, but in your case, it might be best to hold off on your mom living with you as long as possible. She IS still fairly young.
Contact a Senior Resource Center in your area. The one in my county is amazing. They have resources and referrals for all kinds of things.
They may know of someone who is looking for a good roommate situation...someone honest, etc. They may also have someone who can help your mom with budgeting and making safe and sound financial decisions, things of that nature.
Many, many people who need some help have no family or anyone to assist them with things. And, sometimes people don't want to listen to their adult children any way. Sometimes it helps if it comes from someone else. Since your mother is disabled, she may be able to get help with housecleaning and meal preparation.
It really is worth looking into.
Do what you can to help her be successful and happy on her own before deciding to make a different decision. Many Senior Resource centers also offer assistance to families who deal with the struggles of having a family member in your mom's position.

I really wish you the best.

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Quick question: how is she disabled? Just trying to get a good understanding of her and your situation...

My MIL asks to move in with us a few times a year, once we strongly considered it. She has been unstable financially- had her house foreclosed, then living with different friends, etc. (with her teen in tow!)

ALSO: My 34 year old brother who is having waaaay too hard a time settling on a job (he is NOT willing to do just anything for money- he's picky), moved back home with my mom 2 years ago. It has not worked out well, and he's no better off at all, and he's driving my mom crazy. She cannot say no, but she doesn't like him there. He is very able, yet not willing! He had his own place years before... now he doesn't pay a dime for anything, and searching for his dream job so he can start over at the top. yeah.

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My dad and step-mom have a "No living with us" policy. It's a good policy. They learned the hard way after letting my sister and her hubbly live with them for "just a month".

Since they instutued that policy my son and I did one stent in a homeless shelter and the other sister who "caused" the policy has been in a shelter twice. Guess what? It wasn't the end of the world and probably hooked us up with resources we couldn't have found otherwise.

Your sanity is NOT an endless or easily replacable resource-- SAVE it for when she REALLY needs it!

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Maybe she has ADD or some other undiagnosed learning disability that makes her not able to make good choices. Even though it may not be her fault I would not take a mother into my home unless it was set up as an independant apartment, separate entrance, separate kitchen and facilities. Look at it this way: is you marriage and sanity more or less important than your mother.

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There are so many variables to any situation like this...we really can't give you specific guidance...but over all impressions. First of all...don't do ANYTHING without your husbands agreement and approval!! This is not just your home that she would be moving into..it is his home too...and he has a right to some major input on this.
I would set some definite house rules before she moved in...does she have a job? Is she capable of having a job? How much, if anything would you want her to contribute to household expenses and house hold chores? Are you going to allow her to have "friends" come to "cohabit" with her?
I would also require her to put a certain amount of money into savings each month...maybe in a savings account that has your name on it too...and has the stipulation that it takes BOTH signatures to make a withdrawal?? It could either be used as a nest egg for her to eventually move out on her own...or for her care when that day comes that you have to take total care of her because of her disability.
Personally...I do not think I would ask your Mother to move in with you...it just sounds like she is going to be making those "bad decisions" and undermining your home and family life....I would look into other ways to "help" her...look at govt. programs that are out there for the disabled...look into the Senior Programs in your area...see what is out there to help her help herself.
Good luck to you!!!

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I would do this, pay for her cousiling or a life coach to help get her on the right track and help her see her self destructive actions for what they are. Some people are just co dependant and those who are co dependant to a fault will always sink.

First, what is her disability? Is she handicapped in some way? A mental illness? so many of these have solutions, meds, wheelchairs, etc. If she is making bad, bad choices she probably is suffering from a mental illness and this should be out in the open with her. You sound like you worked hard and want your privacey and would like to have her own peace. I am in my fifties now and while it would be wonderful to live with my children (well, one just moved back here), it is also going to have to be very clear that the bad decision making comes before the sheets are put on the bed. She really should have learned by now. If she is suffering from early alzheimers, yes it clearly sounds like an eventual turn of events will take place. But if she is supposed to be on meds for something and wont or if she won't go to counseling and should, then yes I think you are right to a little tough love. She is a grown up and has been for awhile. It is sadly time for her to act like one.

Such a tough place to be in. Obviously, you love your mom and want to be there for her, but it sounds like a hefty amount of responsibility to take on because the boundaries are skewed. Loving someone like this means you have to determine where the boundaries are, even if that means making some tough decisions like letting them stand on their own two feet and dealing with the consequences of their actions. Otherwise it is just enabling the bad behavior. How will this affect your family if she becomes an integral part of it? Do you have young children? Is this an example of a person you want them to witness in their daily lives and possibly take on some of these bad traits in their own lives? Our pastor recently spoke about God's love is for every single one of us and He wants His children to love each other as well. However, there is a thing called free will that allows each of us to bask in that love...or not. On that same token, you have the choice to step away from a person like this if they violate your integrity or moral values. Sometimes it is the only choice you have and sometimes it turns out to be the best choice. I would pray on it and ask for God's guidance. Even speak with a trusted friend that gives solid advice like a counselor or clergyperson. I hope this helps.
Good luck and God Bless!
A.
P.S. There is a book called Boundaries and I think it is the one by Dr. Henry Cloud. It might be a great resource for you to check out for more guidance on this issue.

I wouldnt let my mom live with me unless I thought she was in danger. I'm pretty sure she wouldnt want to move in with me until she knew she had no other options.

Would it help if you gave her, as a condition of staying with you temporarily, that she get mental health treatment with the goal being that she learn how to make better decisions?

You will find peace making a decision by praying about it.

Are you SURE you really want her to live with you? My Grandma moved in with an Aunt and almost caused my Aunt/Uncle to divorce. Eventually they got her into a home, and she was mentally better being there (granted, she was in her late 80's).

If you guys are willing to do it, I wouldnt' let her move in now, or even give her the idea that you are willing to do it. If that is the long term plan, before you do it, make sure she understands the conditions you and your husband set (make sure he's on board here), like no strange men staying with her, she has to contribute x amount to rent (save it for future disasters), behaviour expectations, health expectations, etc. If she fights it, tell her that you're sorry she can't understand that you're trying to help her and save your marriage, but if she's expecting help from you, she has to understand the limits.

Right now, is there any way you can start to manage some of her finance (assuming you want to) so her life can be better structured?

In the end, do what you need to do, but protect yourself, your husband/kids, and your marriage. Remember she did bring all of this onto herself and while a good child does help, that doesn't mean you have to ruin your life doing so.

GOOD LUCK!!!!

PS It might be a good idea to enlist an attorney. ReverendRudy brings up some good points about money management/power of attorney, etc. Also, do you have any siblings? Are they going to help at all? Will they inherit when she dies? Should you receive some financial compensation for this set up? Just somethings to think about.

By allowing her to move in now, you are setting yourself up for more drama on an every day basis, and you would be enabling her to keep not taking care of herself and making good decisions for her life.

Would it be temporary or is this open ended? I cannot imagine that it would end well either way. You said she was mid-50's - so she could live another 25+ years. Are you ready for that? You need to do what is best for you and your family first, and if that means saying no, so be it. There is always retirement homes that she could look into, and if she cannot afford it alone, maybe that could be the way you assisted her.

Good luck!

I'm not good at managing money either. But I do "get by" as you say. I have a so so credit rating, mid 600s. I have no lates on my credit reports. I pay my bills. But I do miss payments by a day or two and have to pay late fees and it's been YEARS since I paid my van payment or any of my utilities on time. It's life ya know?

Frankly, when my mother came to stay with me, when I was on the heels of leaving an abusive situation, I didn't even consider saying no and she didn't ask. I was staying in a hotel room with my daughters and she just showed up with some clothes. I found a place for us all to live that was big enough and she's been with me ever since.

I understand your feelings. I often say she's like having another teenager in the home. Some of the things she does drives me batty. But the word tells me to walk in love and that overlooking an offense is good. I'm TRYING to learn how not to get on her case about so many things. She's stubborn, rebellious, and selfish.

But you know what? Someone on here recently told me that my life is full of drama and it's hard to read about it all. I just shut her down mentally. I did NOT read one more word of that drivol. If a person can not be nice and supportive, they should keep their mouthes shut. It was a private pm by the way.

We are all way too judgmental. You are also being way short sighted. Would it not be better for her to move in and you two to agree on a budget where she puts some of her money into savings every month? If she lived with you for 10-15 years before she goes downhill, you would have some of her money put aside to use towards her care when things get rough.

Honestly, we don't have to live that way and sickness is NOT for born again believers. If neither of you are born again, that's a good place to start.

As one of my favorite pastors says, "I've not arrived, but I've left". I've received a lot of healing this year and learned a great deal. I'm working on my behaviors myself. The better I get, the easier it is to see when others are being unloving. We have a truly messed up world and it's time to change that!