How to Tell Someone They Have Awful BO or Do You??

My husband is a first generation immigrant, but before he came to the US his uncle had lived here for a few years and was doing research at a prestigious university. One day his colleague and mentor told him, "In the US we bathe every day and use anti-perspirant and deodorant." While it was tough for him to hear it in that moment he has often said how thankful he is to his mentor for telling him that. They became best friends. The uncle now has a very high level job where he comes into contact with top-level scientists from all over the world, so this bit of hygiene advice was very helpful for him.

I had a co-worker tell me, gently and out of concern, that I had a problem with this when I first moved out on my own. Not sure what it was, but I changed multiple habits, deoderants, and detergents. It hasn't been a problem.

If he brings it up, he could frame it more as - body chemistry change/try a new deodorant/this happened to me once; or detergent isn't effective/may want to switch brands/this happened to me once. Whatever works, and a bit of "yeah-been there" attitude as a guy might help.

I wouldn't assume one way or another that it's a medical condition although it very well could be. Even so, honesty is the best policy because he very well may not be aware of it and other people may not have mentioned it at all.

"Hey, Joe. There's something I feel I should tell you because if the situation were reversed I would want someone to let me know. I think that you should be aware that your body odor is often quite strong. Something similar happened to me when I was [playing sports/in college/living single] and I had to be really careful so I know how difficult this can be. I have some products that really have helped me out, and if you're interested just let me know."

EDIT: Please, please don't even consider an anonymous note or a note at all. A note is cruel, no matter how kindly you write it. This is something that if you're going to say it to someone you need to have the courtesy to say it to their face giving them respect. Don't turn it into something shameful for them by hiding it in a note.

Tough one. Some nice wording in other responses regarding a direct, simple approach. Please do not encourage an anonymous note route. While it saves the "teller" some difficulty, it leaves the receiver wondering every time they look at every one on the team, or even in their life, if that's the person. Very unsettling.

If it were me I would want to know.

oh geez, this is the WORST, isn't it? i'd rather hear that i had toilet paper on my shoe or my asscrack was hanging out or that i had a floppy booger than 'you smell bad.'
i hate the suggestion to do an anonymous letter. being honest is sometimes terrible, being cowardly is always worse.
i think your husband just has to steel himself that this is not going to be pleasant. there's just no good way to do it. so direct, and kind, is as good as it's going to get. i do agree with him that it's necessary.
i think OPO's 'good good bad' is the best way to go.
good luck! and please SWH this one. i'd really like to hear how it works out.
khairete
S.

He could try the old "good, good, bad" approach.
"Bob, you're a huge help to me with XYZ, and the kids enjoy your leadership so much, but I can't help but notice you have an odor like a gift that keeps on giving long after you've left the room. Try this (hand him deodorant).

Keep in mind, it might be his clothes not being washed properly. I saw this happen with a coworker. His wife wasn't properly laundering his clothes. Someone told him about the smell ( using good-good-bad ). He had NO idea. He was grateful yet mortified. Took all of his clothes to the dry cleaner. Never another unpleasant whiff.
Good luck!

Why doesn't his wife tell him? I probably wouldn't say anything...I could see there being too many hard feelings.

I would start with something general such as 'wow Bob I guess you didn't have time to grab a shower before practice'. If that doesn't work then it has to be more forceful. Something like 'Bob, as coaches we set an example for these kids. We need to be well groomed, clean and smell good."

I am interested in the answers you get, because you are describing my mother in law! She has horrible BO sometimes. It's so bad the whole house will smell like her when she visits. I think she just does not put on deodorant some days. My husband used to do this...and he would just reek. I would flat out tell him he needs to put on deodorant. He would be really insulted every time and take it really personally, no matter how sensitively I tried to tell him. But he has learned...he always wears deodorant now. Thank goodness! I can't bring myself to tell my mother in law though. Since this is not a family member I think your husband should bite the bullet and just tell him...in the nicest way possible.

Odor comes from the inside out...take into consideration anything from not being able to afford anything but Ramen noodles to being on chemotherapy. Of course bathing initially relieves it but it never gets rid of the cause.

Telling someone sometimes helps but not always. Weigh the consequences as to how he might take it. Hate to be petty but some people are and it might come back to bite your son. If it's not a competitive activity, it might work out fine. I personally would appreciate it if someone told me but I would hope it would be a friend. If he has a good friend in the group, it might be better to ask him to do it.

Just an opinion...don't think there is any rule of etiquette on this one!

M.

Is there any apparent reason for the BO? I mean... does he work an outdoor job and comes to the activity straight from work (without an opportunity to get cleaned up)? Is there a medical condition? Are they a different ethnicity that perhaps cultural foods change their body odor?

If there is nothing completely obvious that is the root of it, then I have no idea... but I'd not want to be your husband having to figure it out. If there is (say the work thing), then I would mention that you understand that he may be pushed for time, but the residual odors of the work day might be off-putting to some of the kids, does he think he can figure out a way to squeeze in a quick shower to rinse off "the day"... or something.

Tough situation.

He needs to be told. But it is very difficult to have to tell someone.

Could someone send him an anonymous letter? Not email, but an actual letter through the mail? Have it typed out and sign it "Concerned friend".

That's a tough one. What about an anonymous note? Kindly written. My personality I tend to avoid confrontation so I would just not say anything but on the other hand if it were me I would want someone to tell me.

Good question! We had one in my son's old cub scout pack (and he was my assistant for a while there)...I wish I had an answer for you

Good luck