How to Show Support, Without Pestering.

Updated on August 23, 2013
M.C. asks from Louisville, KY
24 answers

Last night my husband's cousin's 2 yo son was kicked in the head by a horse. He was life flighted to the Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake, where he is now in a coma. (Not induced... eta... Sorry, I guess the coma IS medically induced...) He will be going into surgery about the time I finish writing this. They don't know if he is going to make it.

This cousin used to be my husband's closest friend. They have drifted apart somewhat over the last few years, with the both of them becoming parents and us moving across the country... But are still pretty close.

I feel like we should give them a call... Just to let them know that we are thinking of them. I have posted such on Facebook when their mom posted updates on their son's condition, but I feel like FB is so impersonal. BUT, I imagine that they are probably extremely stressed and on edge. I don't know how many people are calling. I don't know if a call from us will be a welcome distraction and our support appreciated; or if it will be an annoying interruption during a terrifying time.

My husband feels the same way.

What would you do? If you were ever in a crisis situation like this with your kid, how did you feel about the calls?

Also, if you are the praying type, I imagine they would appreciate if you could include their son today. He needs all the help he can get, poor little guy. :(

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R.M.

answers from San Francisco on

Call and/or text and/or message in some fashion. They can choose to ignore a call but you can leave a message offering support.

2 moms found this helpful
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E.E.

answers from Denver on

Call, and send a note. A meal could be good, but you can't deliver it, so yes, call and send a card. Not a text, not a FB.

And if things change for them forever...remember that the barrage of good will at the beginning of a crisis can be overwhelming, but it's still appreciated. And the good will and support that don't disappear when a crisis lingers on...or time has passed since a tragedy...is most valuable of all.

More Answers

S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

i wouldn't want a call. a text or FB message is best.
praying all goes well.
:( khairete
S.

5 moms found this helpful

L.A.

answers from Austin on

I am so sorry. This sounds so frightening

Call or Text..
Leave a message.
Let them know you are thinking of them.

Make any offer of help you can actually offer.. if you want to.

You know you are always family first. No matter what happened in between now and when they grew apart.

I have friends and family and the moment we reconnect it is as though no time has passed.

Good or bad outcome, this family is going to need support. Hopefully for rehabilitation and therapy for this child.

If you can help them at their home or send them gift cards for food, groceries, balloons to the hospital once this child is out of the coma..

There is always a way to show them you all want them to know they are in your hearts and prayers without bothering them. It actually can give them hope and strength to know so many people are keeping them in their thoughts.

4 moms found this helpful
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M.O.

answers from New York on

Oh, what a terrible thing! I am so sorry for the family.

I know texts are informal, but a text really might be best right them.

Send them something like, "You are in our hearts and prayers. We are standing by to do anything and everything we can. Just let us know. With so much love, [husband's name] and M.."

Honestly, if texts are spelled correctly and well written, they're entirely appropriate and right.

3 moms found this helpful
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G.♣.

answers from Springfield on

Oh, how frightening! Of course he is in my prayers today!

I think a message on Facebook will definitely be noticed. If the mom posted on Facebook, she will likely check in throughout the day. If she's anything like me, she might check it 3 or 4 times during the surgery just in the hopes that it might distract her.

You might also send a text. A text is a lot less invasive than a phone call. I think I might have my phone in my pocket (or even in my hand - again, nervous energy), but I don't think I would want to answer a phone call. I would probably feel obligated, as I know people would be calling to be supportive. But I would definitely appreciate a text with a message of support.

3 moms found this helpful

L.M.

answers from Dover on

I would call and leave the following message (or say to them if they even answer)..."John & I hear about little Joey's accident. We are so sorry and worried for him and you, we will be praying. We won't bug you because we know you are probably very overwhelmed with it all. We just wanted you to know that we are here for you and ask that you PLEASE let us know if you can help you with anything."

Maybe also reach out to family or friends that are near them and see if there is anything they need that you could do (send a gift card for food...like the grocery store or take out places or for gas traveling back and forth to the hospital). Drop a card in the mail with or without a gift card.

Then just monitor what's happening based on updates from those others.

3 moms found this helpful
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K.K.

answers from Iowa City on

From recent experience with my then 5 day old in the hospital for 2 weeks: They may not have access to a computer (FB) if they are staying in their sons room. They may not be able to use cell phones in the hospital or his room depending on what equipment is in use. I would still call and leave a message if they don't answer. They will know you care and can get back to you when they are put together enough to do so.
Praying for his recovery and their strength.

2 moms found this helpful
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E.M.

answers from Phoenix on

I will definitely keep their little one in my thoughts today. How awful for anyone to go through, my heart goes out to that family!
I think this may be a great time to use a text. Tell them that they are in your thoughts and prayers and that you love them. Then say that you are available any time if they would like to talk, even if they just want to talk about the weather. I would leave it in their court for now to avoid any unwanted distraction while offering an open door for support.

2 moms found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

Call their house and leave a message. They will be at the hospital and can call you back if they want to. It is a shame you don't live closer to them because the day can be very long hanging out at the hospital and a quick visit is often very appreciated. I will say prayers.

2 moms found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from New York on

Call and just say how sorry you are to have heard. And ask if there is anything you can do. Keep it brief unless he wants to talk. Besides, if they don't want to talk, they won't answer. So leave a nice voice mail and include your return phone number. End it by saying you'll call in a day or two but don't want to be a pest. Then follow through.

It's much better to call and be a pest than to have someone assume that you are thoughtless and uncaring.

That poor baby/family. Good luck!!

2 moms found this helpful
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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

Don't call and bother them at the hospital. If he makes it and is recovering then by all means call to say how glad you are he's making a great recovery.

While he's in the hospital comment on every post by the one posting. She will let them know when the conversation goes to people are praying "Your cousin XXXX and M. said if there's anything they can do to let them know and they send their love". That will not really sink in but it will be in their hearts.

Let them have their peace, ask the one posting if they need anything, make some calls to other family, help out in any way. Stuff you can do from anywhere.

2 moms found this helpful
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P.K.

answers from New York on

They would never remember a call at this point. Praying for them. FB is a good way to communicate this way. Maybe send them a private message.

Keep us posted.

2 moms found this helpful
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S.G.

answers from Los Angeles on

If it were me, I would just send a text message. Let them know I am thinking/praying for them. And ask them to keep you updated in anyway that is easy - FB, text, phone call, whatever. And let them know you'd welcome a phone call if they need to talk and have time.
This way they know you care, but aren't burdened by having to answer and talk if it's not a good time.

2 moms found this helpful

P.H.

answers from Washington DC on

You should call. Especially your husband.Its hard for men to share emotion with anyone other then a close friend.It might help alot.

1 mom found this helpful
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D..

answers from Miami on

Call and tell them you and your husband are praying for them and if there is anything you can do, just tell you.

It means a great deal to people to just know that loved ones and friends care.

I'm so sorry.

1 mom found this helpful
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J.K.

answers from Kansas City on

So sorry to hear, but any calls are appreciated, and if they can't talk, leave a message. That's probably what will happen anyway as they are probably busy. But knowing that you care and are reaching out will be very important to them. I'll pray for them.

1 mom found this helpful
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D.E.

answers from Cincinnati on

I would call. Chances are they won't even answer. Leave them a message if they don't just telling them you are praying for them, and
thinking of them.
If they do answer, tell them the same thing. And that if there's anything you can do, you will.
How heart wrenching. I am so sorry for your family, and that little guy is in my thoughts and prayers!

1 mom found this helpful
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M.G.

answers from Seattle on

Call if you would like but understand if they're not available to take your call or feel like talking as well. I was in a similar situation with myself and my family loved the outpouring of love from other family members and friends but they did not like having to keep giving people updates on how I was doing either.

Find ways to help and be there if you can(physically)and understanding emotionally as well. In times like these no help is too small and please resist the urge to want to know all the details unless the parents are more than willing to share.

Also, focus on ways you can be there outside of what is currently going on. Support for after no matter the outcome is going to be needed by all across the board.

1 mom found this helpful
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J.T.

answers from Dallas on

Any update on the little guy? Ive been praying for him and all that know and love him...

1 mom found this helpful
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F.B.

answers from New York on

You are in my prayers. You've gotten good advice on what to do now, down the line, if you want, instead of offering a generic, invitation of call us if there is anything we can do to help; offer a few concrete but broad options.

i.e. we'd like to pay for a few take out meals to be delivered to your home to make dinner easier for you, is there a favorite restaurant at which we can give you an $XX credit?
we'd like to offset your gas costs, for your trips to and from the hosp. is there a gas station we can buy you a gift card for?
we imagine this time is stressful for the other kids, can we pay for an outing to the local zoo or movies?
you and hubs have been under a good amount of stress, can we pay for a babysitter, a night at a hotel so you two can just have some time to yourselves?

its hard to call and take up a generic offer of help. sometimes this sort of targeted help can be easier. if you don't feel comfortable asking them, choose any of the above, send the gift, together with a note of support.

good luck,
F. B.

1 mom found this helpful
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S.R.

answers from Kansas City on

Oh I would for sure call them! It doesnt have to be a long conversation as i am sure all of their time is focused on their son and their time is very precious to them ATM. They will be forever grateful and truly know that you really do care because taking the time to make a few mintues for them, picking up your phone and dialing their number would mean the world to them! I would just call and say we love you, we are praying for you and we want you to know that we are here for you and we are praying for your baby and your family. This is so very awful! I am praying for that little baby, how truly sad is this. That happened at a local fair close to my hometown. They had a petting zoo and they had some miniature horses and one of the moms asked if her little girl could walk behind the horse to the other side and the horse owner said that was fine, so when the little girl walked behind the horse... it kicked her! straight in the chest! I think she made it but it was a horrible thing for them! Please keep us updated.

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B..

answers from Dallas on

I'd call. Be brief but let them know you are praying.

I said a prayer for his complete healing.

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M.M.

answers from Boston on

So sorry..I'll be praying for them...
but I would call the house and leave a message...chances they're not home... or perhaps send acard/note via snail mail...this doesn't strike me as an emailing situation

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