How to Help DD8 Socially?

while i'm a huge fan of natural consequences, i also think it's okay to discuss recurring problems with our kids too. so long as you're not interjecting yourself into the relationships, it IS our job to some degree to help our kids develop tools to work through issues, isn't it?
i really like that you take a good clear-eyed view of your girl and don't try to pass off her issues as negligible or the other kids' fault. seriously, that's a rare and wonderful trait.
what i'm not seeing in your post is how it's affecting HER. does it bother her that she can't seem to keep a posse around her where she lives? or is she sailing on oblivious to the reactions she's getting? and that's important- if she's not actually seeking solutions, that explains why you're not getting through to her.
perhaps it's a matter of presenting the same information through different channels. while i prefer a direct approach, including role-playing a little if a kid is having trouble coming up with responses, it doesn't work well at all with a kid who doesn't see a problem in the first place.
it may require a little ingenuity on your part to read with her or find a movie or discuss a situation in which the protagonist is getting plowed down by another bossy kid. keeping the touch light, you can then say 'if you were the one in this story, which character do you think is most like you?'
and resist the impulse to help her.
then if the situation arises IRL you can just remind her of the scenario, and let it go.
but you have to stay pretty subtle about it, which is a paradox when you have an unsubtle kid<G>.
might not be a bad idea to have a quiet word with the teacher and see if she has any suggestions.
i applaud you for looking for ways to help her without getting too wound up in it yourself.
khairete
S.

Less neighborhood playing and hanging out; more activities where she's sharing specific interests with other kids, and more play dates where she's one on one with another kid she already knows.

It sounds as if the issue is happening more when it's the loose, roaming kind of play with neighborhood kids; isn't it possible that she and they aren't really getting along because they just don click, so she feels the need to control things? If she does fine with play dates with kids she knows better, and/or would enjoy being in an activity and meeting other kids who share that interest, then I'd provide more of that kind of play and not worry about her being part of the neighborhood group quite as much. She may need some time to mature before she can mellow enough to just go with whatever other kids like to play, or just walk away and not try to direct the other kids.

It's nice if a neighborhood group gets along and plays well but it's not required that kids who live near each other be friends based just on proximity.

One thing to keep in mind, though -- You said she does fine in school but you might want to check in with her teachers (especially whichever one sees her at recess) and maybe the school counselor, to assess whether your daughter tends to be controlling of other kids in school at times as well. Some visits for her with the school counselor could be helpful if it does turn out that she's perceived as bossy at school. The counselor should know how to talk with her about friendships and letting others decide what to play at times, etc.

Okay first of all, I get growing up in a small town and kind of expecting the kids to all get along, but REALLY? Can you imagine as an adult being expected to be friends and socialize and play nice with people just because they happen to live next door?
Of course not.
You are friends with people YOU like and have things in common with.
Your daughter is no different.
I am friendly enough with my neighbors but these are not people I would call friends.
Probably your daughter feels the same way. She's a kid for crying out loud, maybe she feels like she NEEDS to be in charge, who knows. The point is, she needs to be spending time doing things she actually wants to do. Maybe that's reading or drawing or playing video games or being on a sports team or taking music or art classes, I have no idea because I don't know her.
What I DO know is that neighbors are not necessarily family or friends, and expecting that just sets everyone up for disappointment :-(

I'd sign her up for taekwondo and maybe a few other activities so she has a chance to develop a wider circle of friends.
I think especially in taekwondo the kids learn about respect and control (especially controlling themselves) and I've seen quite a few mature in some very nice ways over the years.

I think they mainly learn through consequences but you can gently guide them.

Our doctor said that kids figure it out by about grade 4. Then they learn to sort of tone it down to get along with their peers more.

I found that to be true.

Neighbor kids aren't always the best fits. It's still a learning experience. They will take that and put it to use with say better suited friends down the road. So don't despair. It's all good learning experience, and all kids go through this :)

Some are doormats, and we worry about them too. They do figure it out.

My son can be like this. This is a behavior that has natural consequences. Other kids do not enjoy being bossed around...it is annoying. With my son, I do remind him and he has gotten much much better as he has gotten older (he's almost 12 now). In the past after his friends leave I would ask him how would he like it if his friend said x to him? That it is too bossy and he needs to be a better friend. I noticed that friends would call him out on it and he would back down...and now that he's older and more mature he hardly ever does this anymore. As an adult you can be a leader and have a strong will but you still have to treat those around you with respect and you have to use a kind tone of voice. If a kid does not learn this basically they grow up to be an a**hole! She will get it...just keep teaching her and reminding her. Go through some scenarios with her and let her know the proper thing to say versus what she would naturally say. And, yes, let those natural consequences happen because they learn a lot faster from their peers!

My almost 8 year old is similar. I'm letting natural consequences handle it, and I'm also reading a lot of books with her and working on her social skills.

Look up social skills camps or classes in your area and see if that might be appropriate for your daughter.

Being controlling of others is not OCD so I am not really sure why you went there. Still, no one wanting to play with her should teach her that no one likes someone who tells them what to do all the time and then you need to be there to confirm that is true. The worst thing you can do, and I have seen this over and over, is to comfort your own child by saying the issue lies with the friends. Nope, it is you, you are too bossy, work on that.

Kids who aren't disciplined and taught don't learn rules and morays and social interactions. They fail. Because they don't know what they're doing wrong. They can become bullies and mean kids and worse.

She has to learn/be taught. Take a more positive role in this and discipline her for her actions that hurt others feelings. Then work on how to do it differently.