Child with No Interest in Children

If she is wise, empathetic and happy then why worry? Is she an only child? Sometimes "only" children are like this. Both my best friend and one of my SILs were exactly the same way as kids (more comfortable with adults than peers) and they are perfectly well adjusted, thriving adults and mothers. Unless she is bothered or suffering because of it I wouldn't be concerned :)

Sounds like a great opportunity to show her how to treat others no matter how young or less intelligent they are.

"Gifted" is not the same as "academically advanced" though the two often go together. But really there is not usually any formal "gifted" designation until children are in about the second to third grade. All that aside, however, I would not focus too much right now on her giftedness; she is at the age when skills in dealing with others are crucial. And she needs your backup.

She is only "nearly five" and you're speaking of her lack of interest in her peers, "period," as if she is fully formed and fully fixed and will not change in this aspect of her personality. There is a world -- really, there's a whole universe -- worth of difference in who and how she is at this age and how she may be in six months, much less in six years. Peers become vastly more important to children -- even gifted ones -- as they get older, and she is not even elementary school age yet.

Please, talk to her teachers at her school and tell them what you have said here. Tell them, too, that you are thinking of homeschooling her apparently largely because she appears not to be interested in her peers. If they are wise and thoughtful and experienced, they will understand and not give you a knee-jerk "don't do that" reaction. They likely suspect that you are already not really satisfied with this school, because you're not, right? They would probably like the chance to talk about your daughter as a four-year-old, not just as a student. And please be open to what they say and receptive to the possibility that they may have some insights into her personality that a parent doesn't have. This is not a bash; this is just the fact that children behave differently in different settings, and unless you are present in the classroom every single day, you aren't seeing her as they see her -- interacting with her peers in class. It's normal for bright kids her age to be much more interested in adults and older children; those interactions are stimulating for them. But whether or not she's "interested" in her peers, she is indeed interacting with them, and the teachers may be able to fill you in on how she really acts with them when she's with them at school. They may not be on her academic level right now, maybe, and they may not play with her in the more fun and advanced ways that you or older kids can play with her. But they will catch up and she will need to know how to navigate friendships with children her own age, at every age.

It's interesting that you post that you're considering homeschooling "so that same age friendships aren't expected." Look back on Mamapedia for the many posts by homeschoolers saying how they work hard to ensure that their homeschooled children DO have same age friendships and do participate in group academics and other activities with other children their ages. Homeschoolers are very quick to say that their children are well socialized and have many activities with their peers, usually other homeschooled kids, through the many homeschooler groups and classes that exist.

And whether she is in a school or homeschooled: If same age friendships "aren't expected" at age four, when will they be? What is your longer-term plan for socialization and teamwork skills for her if you homeschool her?

Please be open to the idea that she will want her peers very soon. And please be open to the idea that she may indeed have more interest in her peers than you realize just now. She is barely out of toddlerhood and though she is mature, she is still very young. I had a very mature four-year-old too and she is still advanced, but she also is a little girl, and needs to be around other kids, in a world where adults don't always get to go.

My children are both what people might label as "gifted" and so was I. My oldest, who is six, much prefers the company of older children...10 and up to play with, and to have an actual conversation she really needs an adult. My 18 month old, while she "loves" babies and thinks they are so cute...she plays much better with older children. Both children were able to do "imaginary" play as babies, etc.

We home school, so it really isn't an issue. She's social with the children in her Sunday School class, but has never really asked to get together with any of them, etc. However, she gets really excited about the prospest of playing with her 11 and 12 year old cousins, and they play well together.

What kind of school has she been in since she was 2? Preschool? Is she not in K by now?

WOWWWWW...okay, update. I read some of your back posts. You are "upper middle class" and you have to apply for financial aid to go to a school? I'm not sure you understand what "upper middle class" is. People who are upper middle class do not apply for financial aid for school.

I also really don't like the sound of a progressive "toddler through eighth grade" school. Maybe that's part of the problem. You maybe ought to consider homeschooling...but looking further at another post, without reading answers...PLEASE don't "unschool" your child. Don't even get me started. There is a solid foundation of things your child needs to learn.

And do you really, REALLY think your five year old can "read ANYthing, with full comprehension?" I think that statement is a little extreme. I know we like to shine a light on our little ones' talents and gifts, but you need to be very careful that you aren't overestimating what she can do. I'm pretty sure if you lay down some theories of physics, etc, she isn't going to be able to read them, much less comprehend.

Don't forget about the basics. Part of "the basics" are teaching our children social skills, social cues, etc. You'd also be surprised what you might forget to teach a child (I was so proud that my child could add three digit numbers in her head at age five, even with carrying...whoops, I forgot, she can't tie her shoes and doesn't know all of her months in order.) It's easy to push them too hard and then forget about some of the "easy" things.

The latest research on child brain development shows that no child should be tested for special programs or labeled gifted until 3rd grade. I recommend reading the book "Nurtureshock" for more on this, along with other very interesting recent research on child development and behavior.

My daughter was tested for the Gifted & Talented program at her school in 3rd grade and scored at the 98th percentile on a well-known cognitive test designed to test thinking ability - not learned skills. In 1st and 2nd grade she was well below grade level in reading and well above grade level in math. She also displays the creativity that is necessary to be considered gifted. Gifted is a separate label than academically advanced, but most school programs don't differentiate between these terms. My daughter enjoys being with and plays with children of all ages, especially younger children, but has older friends, too.

I would suggest encouraging same or similar age friendships for your daughter. The ability to play and to build and operate within relationships is as important to a child's development and future success as academics.

Hello Jen,

My son was in the gifted program and fortunately he didn't have any issues with his peers. However, my daughter had a child in her class (mom was a school teacher in the school) who was extremely intelligent, and just did not connect with the children in his class. I was very close with his mom and the time so I remember the challenges he faced. All he wanted to do was learn, he wasn't into the same things as his classmates, so at times he was alone, or the teacher would give him extra work to keep him busy. I remember one time in particular, we went over their house during Christmas break for lunch. When we arrived this little boy had educational word search books he wanted the kids to do, and he had a tremendous interest in the weather channel, which he wanted the kids to watch. I remember my sons reaction like it was yesterday. He whispered to me and said "Mom, do we have to do this work??? My brain is on vacation!!! LOL!! As bright as my son is he just wanted to play, not do word search games. So I understand completely where you are coming from. Sometimes children with above average intelligence just do not connect with children their age, they simply have other interests. In our area we have a school called Bergen Academy, it is for extremely bright children. Children have to be recommended to this school by teachers, and have to be accepted into the program. It is the perfect solution for children like your daughter. It is amazing once this boy went to this school how much he connected with children that were like him!!! I would check into some type of program like that for your daughter. If she is not into the same things the other kids her age are then she isn't going to connect with them. If she wants to learn, and that interests her then foster it. I wouldn't homeschool her because, I don't think that will keep her stimulated and interested. Does the private school you are in have a gifted program??? Sounds like that is what she needs. I know kindergarten is young and they normally do not start these programs until 1st grade. Good luck!!

I was the same way as a child. I preferred talking and interacting with the adults in activity and conversations and had little interest in other kids, including those my age. As for giftedness, I believe there would be a slew of other signs and traits than this, so it depends.

Added: Yes, she's gifted then in every way imaginable. I am far too inferior to respond with any actual experience. I was in a gifted program as a youth though. And good job deleting your added snide remark. No one here gave you any knee jerk responses at that point.

My daughter has/had a lot of similar qualities. She has a brother 3 yrs older and ONLY played with older children (her brother, his friends and older kids at church or cousins) right up until the time she went to K4. She was reading fluently by her 4th birthday (which is in the summer, so she was also the youngest in her K4 class). She had a bit of a "superiority" type attitude around other kids, so I think I know what you mean. It wasn't mean spirited, just, well, she sort of seemed like she just didn't "get" the kids. She didn't understand their thinking or what interested them.
Part of kindergarten is learning social skills (also known as social "graces")... Grace is a HUGE part of it. My daughter is very friendly with kids now, but again, mostly her age or OLDER. But she learned how to adapt and find the fun with her same aged peers as well. She just doesn't look to them for academic challenge or her more "intellectual" humor---she does however, enjoy the "bathroom/body noises/silliness" type of humor with them.
She is 10 now, and I have been known to "speak to her privately" later about putting on airs or attitude (others don't notice it, but I do) when around some ADULTS even...

And yes, my child was tested as gifted and was in a pull-out GATE program. She always enjoyed it, especially the special claymation-stopmotion movie making summer camp she was invited to participate in last summer.
My daughter is 10. Even if your daughter is off the charts gifted, she still will need to learn how to function appropriately in society. So let her learn to navigate that. Guide her through it. But still allow her to associate with her intellectual peers as well. There is simply no reason to restrict her "friends" to a certain age group (one way or the other)... I think it is best for ALL children to have a wide variety of ages in their friendships. They can learn from mentoring as well as from being mentored.
:)

I'm feeling like you're being misunderstood with your question.
You're NOT trying to exclude same aged children...but rather offer her a broader age range, because it's what she seems to enjoy.

My son (just turned 7) IS very similar to your daughter, and was very much so at her age! He is also unique because he is so mature and empathetic. I call him my non-cookie cutter kid :) because he is different than the majority, but not weird or stands out...just acts like a cute little man. I've never had any behaviorial problems with him either. I know some day he and his peers will relate more, we're getting closer now that toys and little kid stuff aren't as big of a priority. I recently had him assessed for anything and everything because his teacher thought he might have A.D.D. The test came back and he did not receive a diagnosis of A.D.D. or anything neurological (Aspergers, sensory processing or learning disorders). We also had him tested for Giftedness and he is mildly gifted. He has most of the personality traits of a gifted child, the lady assessing him thought he was going to be off the charts, but he wasn't at this time.
If your daughter is happy, not being bullied and the teachers on playground duty haven't noticed anything...then she's fine. also, her school may not be the best one for her. From your previous post, it sounded like you had some acceptance issues with your mom peers and stressed about throwing a birthday party. I say that because I have had similar feelings...and it's not easy when you have a kid that isn't cookie cutter and you want nothing more than having the kids to like them, etc. I also know that I can have the tendency to over think and have to remind myself to mellow out :) I would also recommend the park with some parent guided play to help her along and offer suggestions for her without controlling. Get involved more and show her how much fun she can have.

My son always preferred adults or older kids because he liked their maturity.
He could play with other kids but he'd get tired of the petty peer game playing.
He liked elementary school, but he's really liking middle school a lot more now that his peers are thinking/acting more like he always has.
She may not be that interested in other kids right now but she still has to play and get along.
Get her involved in an activity so she can meet people outside of school - taekwondo, gymnastics, etc.

I was this way when I was a young child. However, I was extremely shy, and felt comfortable talking with older children and adults, then children my own ages. I can tell you that I felt very excluded in school because of this. It was only until high school where I began making very close friends in my class. The more she is exposed to , the better.

No, you may have a bright child. I had a boss once who had two children as you describe. His daughter could converse with 20 plus somethings but not one her own age (13). It didn't help that they were people in the medical field.

So no you are not alone. There are many children out there that have higher IQs and values many years beyond their chronological age. The doctor's son was another very high IQ person who was climbing the Teton mountains for fun.

You just have to try to get them interested in things that they like that might have interests of other children.

Good luck to you or you will have your child in college early just so that they can keep up with the thurst for knowledge.

The other S.

I'm curious what sort of responses you are hoping to receive. Maybe some answers have been edited in response to your updates, but very few seemed knee-jerk, superfluous, or ranting. They may not be what you want to hear, but no one person's situation is going to match yours exactly.

My son (5, also very bright – "gifted," in fact) had some difficulties socializing with his peers early on. We had him tested, because I was concerned that some of these challenges pointed to a larger developmental problem, and I pushed for services even though the tests showed nothing conclusive. He is my first, and I just wanted to be sure that my own denial or fervent wish for everything to be ok wasn't keeping him from developing into the fullest person he can be. Even if he isn't interested in certain children, he still needs to learn how to get along with everyone. It is more important for me that he be kind than smart (although I guess that’s easy for me to say since I know he is smart).

To me, there is a disconnect between a child who is "more empathetic" than most but who also says she simply isn't interested in children who have been her classmates for nearly three years. How exactly does this manifest itself? Is she rebuffing overtures of friendship? Completely ignoring them? Does she have any friends at all? Are her teachers concerned?

I have read your past posts. What stands out to me is that your daughter is the only child of a single mother who is an only child herself. You seem very proud of your introverted nature and proud that your daughter is too. I am just speculating, but your daughter seems pretty isolated by her giftedness, her own natural sensitivity, your decision to send her to a very exclusive school, and your financial status within that school. Could it be that this apparent lack of interest in peers is a defense mechanism of sorts because she feels she won’t be accepted if she were to reach out? And also because she knows that her introversion is what you, her mother and primary role model, are most comfortable with?

It's good to embrace who you and your daughter are, but as a mother, I personally would want to give my children the skills to make and maintain friendships so that they have an emotional support system as they grow up. Especially because it sounds like she won't have much extended family to fall back on. Others may not agree, but I think that will have a greater impact on my children’s future happiness than how well they do academically. Given that you are already concerned about this, homeschooling wouldn’t be my choice unless it was done under the auspices of a group situation where she would in fact be interacting with same-age peers.

I personally didn't expect to send my son to preschool until the year before kindergarten, so I think I understand the impulse behind your desire to at least consider homeschooling. But it was highly recommended that we do so two years earlier than I thought he or I was ready. It has made a world of difference. He is a much happier child; I am a much happier mama. Everyone who has known him through that time can see what a marked change it has made in him. He still is very bright and still loves to learn, but he is also a more well-rounded, mature, thoughtful person with people of all ages.

Just a question. You're thinking of home schooling her so that same age friendships aren't expected. How does that help her learn to interact with same age children? And what is wrong with preferring to play with older kids?

I was old for my age and preferred being with adults. I grew up to be a well rounded adult who relates well with all ages.

I suggest that if you continue to expose her to kids her own age that they will eventually mature enough to hold her interest.

Not all children/people enjoy social contact but yet they're normal.

Rather than remove her from an environment where there are kids, I'd keep her in it. She may never fit well with her peer group (I often hung out with kids 2-4 years older), but I don't think homeschooling is the answer. Many of us have work friends and home friends and maybe it would help to see it that way. I wouldn't discount peers just yet and at least encourage her to get along with them for the sake of working collaboratively, since people about her age are likely going to be her coworkers some day. And, maybe, this group of kids just doesn't have the right friend yet.

You might also get her into activities that have a wider range of people, say community volunteering or theatre or a hobby of some sort.

All kids prefer playing with older kids, it's the way it goes.