How to Feel Good About Who You Are?

Hey K.-
I'm glad you're reaching out to others and trying to find some answers to these questions. I'm in a similar situation in that the town I live in is mostly seasonal/elderly and I don't really have any friends! Have you tried to get involved in your son's preschool - maybe meet famillies there? What about looking for a mom's group, lessons for your kids, other activities that might get you out and involved more? I think it's completely normal to feel like being a mom has completely consumed you and the rest of the world is having a great time - and passing you by! It sounds like maybe if you had other moms to talk to who are going through the same thing it would help? Have you talked to your husband at all about it? Maybe time to yourself (take a class, go to they gym, take a walk...) would help too? Just know that you certainly are NOT the only one who feels this way. Keep reaching out!!

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Yoga. I'm telling you, because it's important to find balance. Sometimes we want to start externally--with our house, our family, etc. But we should start by looking inside of ourselves, and by harnessing the penned up frustration, sadness and self-doubt and turning it into something that can help us be and think healthier.

1 mom found this helpful

I feel like this too! I feel like I lost myself somewhere in the motherhood process. I joined a local moms group and am in the process of trying to make friends. Getting out of the house has helped me and the boys a lot, but I am still battling the feelings. Try joining some kind of group and making friends and getting your kids involved in activities. Good luck! I feel for you.

Hello! I am also 26 and I have a six year old and one on the way. When my daughter was born I fell into a depression that I had to get help for. Anti-depressant medication worked for me but I also had to find things that I could get involved in. I started going to church more and got involved in classes with people that had kids my daughter's age. That was my time "out" where I could relate with people. I also sold (although I don't anymore) Princess House crystal, but anything like Tupperware or Home and Garden would get you out with people you can meet. I'm not a doctor by any means but if you do have depression I know mine didn't go away until I went on medication, at least for a short time so you can get your chemicals balanced. I promise, this will get better!

First of all-congratulate yourself on being a great mom and wife who takes care of your family! Then, make sure you find something just for you- something you enjoy- and make sure you take time out to do it. Talk to your husband and let him know that some 'me' time is important to you and that you would appreciate his help with the kids so you can have that time occassionally. Just spending time on yourself an hour or two here and there will make a huge difference. Whether you want to find a hobby where you can interact with other adults or a job where you can meet new people- do what you think is best for you. I work at home and take care of our two month old and then I also am a consultant for Arbonne International and it is a wonderful, flexible option for me to make good money and meet new people all the time.
Good luck to you! Always remember that you are a great mother and wife but spending some time on you will make you even better!

Regular exercise can go a long way to improving one's mental outlook & sense of self-worth. Could you trade off with another mother or work something out with your husband, family, or friends so that you can get out & do some type of physical activity that you enjoy? Or at least do some exercise tapes at home or take walks & play outside with the kids? Exercise is a great stress reliever too--sounds like you have plenty of it!

First, try to find a local MOMS club or MOPS or something like that. You can find other women in the same boat! You also need to surround you with some happy positive people. Call a local beauty consultant to give you a personal makeover. (Mary Kay ladies do this for free - and you will feel good afterward - you are not obligated to buy anything!) Do a little something for you so that you can feel better about you. I have four sons and started my in home business when the three older ones were 5 1/2, 3, and 1.

I felt the same way as you are... I didn't feel like myself and didn't know what to do. I started to get Avon stuff from a gal at work thinking maybe if I would get some new make up or somehting that would help. Then I talked to her and then I started selling Avon. I feel like I've found myself again! I can make extra money on the side of my full time job, and I get to meet new people introduce them to new, fun products and get stuff for my self. I love it!! Maybe that is something that may help you.

I also am a younger mother. My husband and I got married and had our daughter when we were 22. I worked for awhile and then once our son came along I have stayed home. It is really hard to be home all of the time and I think that is normal. It's also hard when none of your friends understand. I joined a MOPS group at my church. There are women there from all over and not just from my church. It was really nice to meet other women, even if they weren't my same age with the same problems as me. The children get to go in the nursery and the women get to hear a speaker and spend time with other moms for about 2 hours. My children have liked going and it is nice break for me. I also made my best friend by getting to know someone at preschool. My daughter is in second grade and I just try to be involved so that I can meet other moms. You never know who you just might click with. I learned that age doesn't always matter no matter who you are there are tough times raising children! This is silly, but I also find if I get dressed and do my makeup even if I'm not going anywhere I feel better about myself. Find something you like to do and don't feel guilty about spending time for yourself. You are doing a great job. It can't be easy raising children that need a little extra. I do think we all feel like we have lost ourselves at some point.

First, I'd like to say that you are doing a wonderful thing staying home and taking care of your family. My mother was a SAHM and I was always grateful for that -- even through high school. With that said, and after being honest with myself, I've realized that I will never be that person.

Since becoming a mother, I've struggled with the guilt of being a "working" mom. Due to our current situation there is NO other choice than for me to work full-time. My husband's job/schooling allows him to be home 3 days a week with our son.

What I've learned in the first year and a half of our son's life is that I am a better mom because I work. I know that may sound funny, but for me it is the truth. I have found that I enjoy my work and that during the day I get to be productive and be doing something that makes me feel good about myself. Working also encourages me to do other things like have nice clothes for the office and to get up and do my hair and make-up eveyday. At the end of the day and on the weekends, I am then ready and happy to devote all of my time to my son.

Hopefully in the future I will be able to work part-time. But one thing I know is that I will ALWAYS work.

Maybe if you'd like more flexibility than what a part-time job could offer, you could find a regualr volunteer opportunity? Depending on your background and motivation, you could help a nonprofit agency with marketing/fundraising at home -- I do this in the evenings when my son is sleeping.

Good Luck!

Time to get out of the house! Again, time to get out of the house! Catering is the perfect mom job, I've been doing it for 18years. Hubby needs to be home ALONE with the kids on a regular basis so that he realizes how demanding your job (yes, it's a job!!!) is. Working part-time saved my sanity and opened my husbands eyes to the exhaustion of full-time parenting. No job = no money = no power. If you really want a voice in your marraige, get a job!

I think that most moms go through this at one point - even those who return to work afterward.

I've had a history of PPD - do you think it's a possibility you could have developed it? Sometimes Post-Partum Depression doesn't start until 6 months or more after the birth of your baby. I didn't have it at all with my first, but severely after my 2nd and moderately after my 3rd. I think it's important to be open and honest with yourself and your doctor. The last thing I wanted to do was take medication, but it turned out that even a minimal amount helped a lot.

You're young, and I know what it's like being a younger mother with so many children. All of my friends are single and childless. Try doing things that make you happy. Start a hobby (mine is painting pottery and drawing) and a fun exercise routine (mine is Dance Dance Revolution! The kids love getting involved - even the little ones will 'pretend dance' on a blanket you've laid out on the floor for them).

These are just suggestions. I hope you can add a little fun in your life. :)

Also - While I agree that you shouldn't depend upon your husband to make you happy, I've been in enough bad relationships to truly cherish the good one I have now. Your partner can really help you through tough times.

Hi K.~

Please go see your doctor. It sounds like Post Partem Depression to me. Please please put yourself first here and get to the doctor now.

R.

That can be a tough question. I think a loss of identity helps to create these feelings. Not that you arent a great wife and mom, but sometimes you and a lot of us tend to forget that we are actually more than that..especially if you stay at home. I have a hard time with this myself on occassion and I believe that moms need to join a group or aclub or something that they can do on their own as well as another outing everyweek with the kids. The "mom" and the "woman" need to be seperate at times. If you cant work outsie the home a little bit, maybe volunteer at something you enjoy, or take a class, meet other moms? A great way I hear is to join a congregation or something. I have heard yoga classes are great too. I have yet to try many of these things myself, but am in the process of looking also. Good luck to ya.

K.,
I agree with the person who said, get up in the morning, get dressed and put on make-up! When I lounge around in my pjs all day I feel depressed. Other things you can do are exercise when able (easier said than done though--I know!!). Ask your husband for a day off every now and then (even if it needs to be a Saturday) and go shopping by yourself (you don't have to buy anything, just window shop if you don't have money). Find a local mom's group and join it. I also became a consultant for a company called Heritage Makers. If you are looking for a home-based business to get involved in, this one is GREAT! You meet a ton of wonderful people through it! http://www.frommemoriestobooks.com or ____@____.com for more info.
Have you also considered that you may be going through some post-partum depression? It can happen even a year after your child is born. If things don't feel like they are getting better after the simple things you try, you may want to see your doctor. Good luck and feel free to email me if you need to chat or have questions!

K.~

My heart goes out to you... I do understand how you feel. I came to the realization last December that I was kind of feeling the same way about myself. So, I dedicated the year 2008 to the year for T.! I started off journaling to get down to the root of what was truly bothering me. It's amazing how many issues a person can have and not realize it! Honestly, within days of hashing out some of that stuff, I felt at peace. In addition, I have been reading the book "The Secret" over and over, along with "New Earth" and I am literally watching my life line up just how I want it to. It may sound crazy, but true.

I do hope you find the answers to bring you at peace. You deserve it... everyone does! Being happy with yourself, and taking time for yourself truly will make you a better wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, etc. Good luck!

I am 28 and the mother of two boys..2 1/2 and 7mo. Everything you said...I thought wow...that is exactly how i feel. I haven't found anything yet to feel good about. All i know is I find my self exhausted and frusterated with the same old...diaper, change, clean, laundry... every stinkin day. I too love my family and all that. So I don't have any advice... but I am right there with you!
~T.

I am 33 and have 3 kids 4, 3 and 1. I have felt the same way of losing my identity, being left behind and feeling invisible to my family. I feel like all I am there to do is serve and take care of everyone, get no recognition and have no time for me. I read a book called The Invisible Women by Nicole Johnson. That book helped me recognize that I am not invisible. The book does not tell you how to deal with it or change it. Just that you have recognized it and understand it and can work through it. Nicole Johnson also has other books out there to about getting in tune with yourself again.

Also talk to other moms and I am sure you will find they all pretty much feel the same way. I know I have talked with other moms about feeling left behind and invisible and they all agreed. It helps to talk about it with other moms so you don't feel like you are the only one who feels this way.

I am currently reading another book called The Invisible Women I can't remeber the author off the top of my head. It is written by a Dr. and has a picture of sand and the ocean on it. Check it out as well and you will be amazed at how this will open your eyes and make you realize you are not the only one who feels inivisble.

Hope this helps.

-Amanda

Well I know you have had a lot of advice, but what has helped me is MOPS-mothers of preshoolers. I really enjoy being with the other moms and the kids are in a seperate area where you don't see them and they have their own fun time. It is great. We deal with topics that every mother has gone through or going through. We have speakers too which is nice. You can check out the web at Mops.com(I think, it might be .org).

I also have a home-based business with Tastefully Simple. Very easy to get started and I have parties maybe 2-3x a week.
You can be full or part time, it all depends on you. I pray that everything goes well.

I agree with just about everything the other moms have said here, but I have one more bit of advice: Join the YMCA in your community. They have childcare while you work out! (Or at least, all the Ys that I know of do....) At our YMCA (we are in La Crosse, WI) you can work out, join a class, or even just sit in the hot tub for an hour. It's fantastic. My son is one and he LOVES playing with the other kids. It gets me out of the house, gets me doing something useful, and it didnt' cost a lot of money. Also, they have financial aid for families who qualify. GL and I hope you find something that works for you.

Hi K.
Wow you have alot on your plate. Don't feel bad about the way you feel. Anyone in your shoes would be feeling the same.
It sounds like you need some time for yourself away from home. Sometimes when we put ourselfs in the care taker positon, we loose track of who we really are. You are so busy taking care of everyone else in your life you have forgotten to take care of ourself. Your family can only benefit from having the real you back in their lives.
Have you considered taking on a part time job? It would give you the opportunity to find yourself and contribute to something that isn't a part of your family. Its amazing how good it feels to use a different part of your brain. I'm guessing you would feel more energized when you walked in your house after being away. You may even volunteer for an organization that you feel pasionate about. Or you might think about going back to school. The most important thing is that you take a chance and find yourself again. Don't be afraid to ask friends and family for help. I'll bet you feel better just talking to us about your feelings.
Try to get some time for yourself and tap into the old K..
Good luck and God Bless

K.,

I can completely relate to what you're saying. I feel very much the same way. Ever since my daughter was born (almost 4 months ago) I just don't feel very good about myself either. My body image has gone down the toilet (even though I'm pretty sure I look the same as I did before I got pregnant with my daughter...) and I'm also struggling with feeling like I'm only good for taking care of the kids, cooking, and general home maintenance. I haven't found the cure yet, but believe me when I say you're not alone. I think it's easy to feel as though you've lost yourself when you stay home with your kids full time...no matter how much you love it. I've always wanted to be a SAHM, but there are just some days that I feel so overwhelmed with how much falls on me, and it's hard for me to feel like there's more to me than the house-keeper/nanny/cook of my home. It's easy for most mothers, I think, to neglect themselves, their wants, their own needs. Life as a SAHM can be pretty lonely sometimes. Sorry I don't have better advice. I hope you're able to find something to make you feel better soon. Maybe join a group of some kind, talk to someone (even if it's just your mom or a friend - even if they can't really relate) about how you feel. Let your husband know that you're feeling under appreciated...maybe he'll be able to help you feel better about yourself or find something that does. Either way, just remember that you're not alone - there are many of us who feel this way!

K., this is an age-old issue for moms, and especially stay-at-home moms. Dad will get a promotion, or a raise, the kids get a gold star, or move up from a B to an A, and no one gives mom an award for keeping the toilets cleaned! At risk of preaching a bit, do you have a faith relationship? I know when I was a military wife and mom, the only sense of worth I felt was the reminder that I had eternal value to something a whole lot bigger than snotty noses and vacuuming. As a working mom now, with mostly grown kids (still two at home out of seven, with a great new husband who appreciates what I do), I still find the most reassurance of my value and worth in knowing God didn't make junk! :-)

K.,
Looks like a lot of great responses already. Just wanted to echo the sentiment that you are doing a great job and I wish you all the best! I guess I would just add that sometimes it helps to talk with your doctor about these feelings----they often have great resources. Take Care, R.

Sounds like you havea bout of post partum depression. I would see a psychologist....I felt the same way for a while and I went to see a shrink and got on Wellbutrin XL. Great stuff, didn't take long to kick in and I feel much better. I'm 27 and pretty much in the same boat as you, and while everyone says that you have to find "me" time I know how hard that can be when you're busy raising kids and being wife/mom. Sometimes it just feels better to talk to someone other than a child. :)

Honey, you deserve a medal of honor! You are doing some very tough work and understandably yuo are feeling low. I am almost 51 and have gone through many tough times having to do with kids. You need a support system, whether it be a grandma or neighbor or group that you can just be with. Don't worry about age because you are the exception. You will not find many in your age group that are willing to take on the responsibilty you have. You are amazing! Doing little things for yourself is good. The very cool part about your age is that you will have your kids raised before a lot of people send theirs to school! Hang in there. You sound like a very awesome person!
J.

I just read all the posts and instead of echoing all their sentiments (which I agree with), I'll cut to the chase. It sounds like you could use some support. Check out your local MOMS club www.MOMSClub.org and also look into ECFE classes. I know there are some that still have openings, even though it's several weeks into the session. Plus, there are other activities (like family play time) than just the weekly classes that can help you get out and meet some other moms like you. Hang in there; you will get through this! *hugs* ~S.

I can relate K. & the best thing I can say is to to find something for yourself that makes YOU happy. Whether it's a hobby or a job, find something that you enjoy & that makes you happy. I am on my 2nd marriage & I have made the mistake of putting my marriage/husband ahead of my own needs all the time. I think I have been a great wife to both husbands, and now I am left feeling underappreciated & lost because I have nothing in my life that is mine or that I truly enjoy. (I love my daughter more than life itself, but that is not enough.) I have a full-time job that I keep only because it pays the bills, while I am supporting my husband as he lives his dream of owning a restaurant. It is soooo much work and I don't enjoy it all because it is not MY dream, it is his. I have a BS degree & will be 39 soon and I really, really regret not putting more effort into my own career & happiness. I know your family has to come first, but you shouldn't have to lose yourself. If YOU aren't happy, the rest of your family will suffer to some degree as well. Hang in there.

Hi, you sound really overwhelmed and maybe feeling kind of isolated. I wonder how much of your "worthlessness" stems from the rather low-status our culture seems to assign to at-home moms. How sad. I am a stay-home mom, too, and personally, I can't think of a more important "job" in the whole world than being that secure home-base for my girls (5 and 3 years old). Especially when they were littler. Just remember that exactly what you're doing is *so* valuable, even if nobody else around you recognizes it. On the isolation factor, I wonder if you could maybe search Yahoo Groups or Google Groups for a stay-home moms group near you? I hope things turn up for you soon. You sound like a really dedicated person and that the world needs more people JUST LIKE you!!! ;-)

Peace,
Angie

Consider all the changes your life has went through and think about what you used to enjoy. Do you still enjoy those things? Do you devote any time to yourself? Do you exercise, eat healthy, and get sleep? Feeling good about yourself starts by taking care of yourself and getting your own downtime as well. You can't be a good mom if you aren't taking care of yourself. If you are doing all these things and you still are struggling, you need to talk to your Dr. about your potential depression. I find we typically know what we need to do; we just want to ask someone else to confirm our thoughts. Life is too precious to walk around in a constant funk and depression is more common than we like to believe. Also, this winter has been horrid for those with seasonal affective disorder.

K.- I just want to say thanks for talking about this. I go through phases of feelings just like you describe. I don't have any real advice other than to take pride in how you have shaped your children. My husband has found that it means alot to me when he says how awesome our daughter's personality is and he's sure it's cuz I'm home with her.

I am not sure where you live, but I seem to have the same problem during the winter months. It is so hard to get out of the house in the cold and snow. I get pretty down and need to take some mental health days. A few girls and I have a game night once a week. It seems to help.

It might not be a bad idea to venture into your kids classes and scope out the other kids and moms. Maybe you could make a connection with some one. I would also look to your community for a support group for Mom's and maybe even Mom's with children with ADHD. If you are truly feeling down in the dumps for more days than you are feeling good you may want to speak to your doctor about being depressed and they can help you with refering you to a counsilor and possibly some medications depending on the severity and your own personal needs.

Just know that you are not alone and you need to take care of yourself so you can care for your family. Good luck to you.

Hi K.,

I too am a 26 year old mom with three kids. Joey, 6, in kindegarten; Lexi, 3, in 2 day preschool; and Isaac, 2 home with me all day. And we are expecting number 4 in early october! I struggled a lot when my son was 2 and I was expecting my daughter with exactly the same things that you are feeling. We live in a rual area so parks and fun places to go are always a trail to even get to and takes 15-20 minutes to drive to the closest park. My mom was a working mother and didn't understand what I was going through. And my husband, god love him, just didn't get it. I loved staying at home with Joey, and still love being a stay at home mom, but I just felt that I couldn't recognize the person who was in the mirror anymore.
I wish I had had a place like this to reach out then. Sometimes it feels better just to know that you are not the only one in the world that feels this way. And from all your responses I'd say that you are not in any way alone.
I found my "escape" by finding a home based direct selling business that worked for me three and a half years ago. I am a Mary Kay Beauty Consultant, and I have friends that sell Partylite, Lia Sophia Jewelry, Tupperware, Discovery Toys, and Pure Romance. There are tons of Direct Selling businesses that give women like you and me the flexibility to work from home, make extra money, and meet some awesome women. Some of my best friends have come from starting MK. If it is something that interests you that is an awesome option and you don't get stuck working someone elses hours like a part time job. Take your time and research the different companies and find one that fits with you and your personality.
I would love to offer you a facial and makeover as well. I know from personal experience that sometimes a new look can lift your spirits up. And you already started that with a new hair color. :) (I did the same thing and my husband thought I was crazy! but hey, it worked.)
Just know that you are not alone in struggling with your feelings, and every one of us are understanding what you are going through.
I wish you all the best,
S.

OH HONEY, YOU NEED TO SEE A DOCTOR YOURSELF. YOU ARE DEPRESSED. I JUST WENT THROUGH THIS MYSELF. MY DOCTOR (a woman) PUT ME ON A SEROTONIN REUPTAKE INHIBITOR. I FEEL MUCH BETTER NOW. I HAVE THE PATIENCE FOR MY CHILDREN AND FEEL OVERALL MUCH BETTER. THIS IS A MEDICINE TO TREAT DEPRESSION. I THINK YOU SHOULD SEE SOMEONE, YOU NEED TO GET BETTER YOURSELF. YOU NEED TO FIX THE INSIDE AND THE OUTSIDE WILL SEEM MUCH NICER. PLEASE GET HELP. J.

Do something for yourself like join an exercise class, go swimming, run on the treadmill, whatever you want. Even if you don't want to lose weight you will feel much better about yourself! The YMCA in my community is very reasonably priced and has free babysitting for 1 and a 1/2 hours every day. I've been taking my kids since the oldest was 2 and the youngest was 5 months. My kids enjoy going too - different toys, different environment, other kids to play with, etc.

K.,

Went through the same thing (BTW...40 is better than 26..I am 50 now and lovin' it!)

Anyway, I found that I needed to go back to work. I felt I was a better mommy that way. I worked part time and went to school part time. I was good to have "adult" conversation again.

If work is not for you, why not trying volunteering? Check with your local church or other charitable organization. You may find some enrichment there. Besides, with volunteering, you only have to give a few hours. May be easier to find than a job.

Good luck!

L. ;)

It is hard to leave a career & be at home. Winter months are the hardest too! Who isn't sick of this long winter?! When I am feeling like I am doing "nothing" (when actually I am doing ALLOT) I take time during nap or movie time to make cards for other people, make phone calls, scrapbook, pray, read. So something for someone else, or for just me. If this becomes more like depression, please seek out your doctor! YOU are special to take care of YOURSELF too!

Hello I,m R. I kind of feel the same way I too am a mother of three 6,4,2 all girls I am 33 and feel I am out of the loop. I try too take the kids to play groups.Then they can play with the other kids then I get some adult time with their moms,which helps. I also try to sub at the school were my kids go play ground, kitchen .If your able Just remind hubby that you need you time or a girls night out movie or just dinner with the friends Hope this helped R.

This is something society is telling you about stay at home moms. Did you get used to being defined by your paid job? Now you are doing the absolutely most amazing job in the world & you are not getting paid for it & your "bosses" are not giving you encouragement or a pay raise. That can be hard when you don't validate yourself. Staying at home is a wonderful thing & I can't tell you how reassured & safe I felt knowing my mom was there. Not to mention all the she did for the family. Make you are getting enough time for yourself & have activities for yourself.
Brekka

Hey K.! I think we have all been there!!! I found that the first thing I do in the morning is put on some Make Up! Sounds wierd,but I feel better about myself when I look good. Even though I'm a stay at home mom we need to look good too!! My new favor is Bare Minerals makeup! I love it and it's awesome! Even though we are at home who knows who might stop by :0)

Also, I started selling "At Home America". So I get out of the house a few nights a month to do parties. I love the product and meeting new people is always a plus! The adult interaction is a plus too!

Hang in there! Have a good day!

K.,
I agree with what the others have said. It is just a season, but it is hard and even on medication it dosen't solve the problems. I am new to my community and was in a really depressed state - and then in January I went to the Libary and found out that they had a story time for 18 - 36 month olds, so my son was 17 months but they let us join. It was the best thing I have done for myself. I have met some great moms and through it met a mom who intraduced me to her MOPS group. (it helped to have someone you know the first time - but I got there before she did, and started talking with other moms- they are all in the same boat!) And I am sad that our story time is over - they do it every other month - but I have made friends from it and even have another mom wanting to join MOPS.
The other thing that I found that works for me is flylady.net it may seem weird at first - but it helps. She talks about getting up and getting dressed in the morning. Also her FLYing - stands for Finally Loving Yourself. I don't follow her completly, but what I do has changed my life for the better.
Good luck and look up flylady.
Hugs!!!

I only have one little boy who is 10 months, but I know that if I am at home all the time, I get depressed. I was so happy to return to work after my 6 weeks. You should try to get a part time job out of the house. Your husband can handle the kids two or three nights a week. You need to interact with adults on a regular basis. Talk to your husband and tell him how you are feeling. And get yourself a massage once a month! A pedicure is fun too but not as beneficial for your health. Being away from your husband and children will allow you to become more independent and re-establish yourself. You will become more independent. You will find a sense of accomplishment which will boost your self esteem. If this is not an option for you at this time, just try doing different things. Keeping things fresh and interesting is key. Go to new places with your kids for entertainment and try new places to eat. It's just like dating. If you don't keep it fresh, it gets dull and same old. And exercise. A walk outside will do. And healthy food as well. You will be feeling better soon!

Hi K., my name is K. and I don't have three boys but I do know how you feel. I am 28 and I have a eight year old boy who is ADHD and it is very stressful. Just having one makes me feel old and I don't know if I could imagine three boys. Sometimes mine acts like three boys. I love him and my husband to death but I feel the same way you do. 28 going on 45 somedays. What I do is I try to relax by going out with my friends once in awhile, but most cases thats not the case. My husband is always busy and it seems like I never have anytime to myself. Just one day is all I ask lol.. But like you, I lovem to death but I just need a break. Hey anytime you want to talk just to get things off your chest email me at
____@____.com
I am always more than willing to listen or just be there.
Good luck
K.

Hello K.,
I'm sorry you're feeling a low self-esteem. Being a stay-at-home mother is a TOUGH job! I have moments and even days where I think about going back to an "office" job just to leave the chaos of home for many hours during the day. But in reality, I like being home with my children, especially while they are young(4 & 2) before the begin school. That doesn't mean I enjoy all the tasks that come with staying at home. What I have found that has saved my sanity is...
1. MOMS Club - great activities for daytime with the kids and a mom's night out once a month. Most of my closest friends I've met in MOMS club since I moved to the area 3 years ago. I also enjoy the chance to volunteer in our community through activities I do with the club.
2. MOPS = Mother's of Preschoolers www.mops.org This is based on Christian principals but the women can be anywhere in their faith from little to lots. It's a good mix and I am really enjoying my first year with the group.
3. Girl Time. I love to go to movies so I try at least a few times a year! If you enjoy reading, look for a book club. Or Bunko, or some other "routinely getting together" group. Having a regular scheduled activity can get you to participate more than you would several one time activities. Ask friends, neighbors, churches where some of these girl groups might be.
4. Part-time work. I started my sterling silver jewelry party business almost 2 years ago. It is given me the "adult women" comroderie I was looking for. The business is lucerative and parties are fun. There are many different home party rep options so anyone can find something they can be passionate about. I'm in a networking group with about 15 different rep from other companies if you would like information on some options.
5. Getting my husband more involved. It took me going to work at my parties but my husband is now more connected with the boys. He's figured out how to give them baths without me to help. He takes them to Dad's nights at a local kids fun zone. He takes them to the gym with him. We still need to work on more help on "household tasks" but we'll get there!

You've already taken the great step to recognizing that something(s) are missing and now you have a lot of ideas to consider. Keep searching and trying things until you find some that work for you.
When you have a really bad day, just remember, "this too will pass". The kids will get older and life will change. We just have to keep up with it!
I welcome you to contact me for more details on any of my ideas or where to look for information.
I hope you find yourself again soon. Hugs!
J.

Haven't we all been there?!?! I have to echo the sentiments of the Arbonne gal. I started a home based internet business with Arbonne when my youngest was 4 mo old (I had a 2 year old at the time as well). I have met SO many wonderful and supportive women in Arbonne as well as the people I've reached out to in my community. It just really helps me to feel connected to people, and helps to want to make a difference in the lives of those around you. (When you feel good about yourself-you can help others!) It also forces you to go out and connect with other people and that is so powerful. Not only that--the company really aids and supports you in setting goals for your life, becoming a positive person, and leaving your mark on the world! (the extra money is nice too!) One of the best decisions I've ever made so I had to let you know. If any of that appeals to you-give me a jingle!
All the best!
E.
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K.,
Sometimes finding a home based business that you like is a great way to get out of the house for a bit each day or just a couple times a week, which ever works for you. I sell Mary Kay Cosmetics and I get to work from home. I get together with women to have parties, which is so much fun. If you would be interested in this I could help you get started or give you some suggestions for other business. Our business is great because we have no quotas, so you don't have to worry about ordering so much each month, you can just work at your convienence. All your training is free, and you will meet tons of fantastic women who will have so much in common with you!

Hi K.
We have all gone through this stage. What helps me is quality time with my husband (No children)
a new hair do and time to do my hobby (Scrapbooking)My husband works very weird hours and they change every week. So this is hard but we BOTH make it a proity. If mom is not happy no one is in this house LOL. Do you have some place that does playgroups, so you can get out of the house and meet new moms that are struggling with this same issue.It breaks up the day and gives the kids something new to do. Good Luck hang in there it will get better. :) T.

It is amazing how so many of us SAHM go through this no matter what. It can be hard to get out of it but we all just need to do whatever it takes to save ourselves and our family. My son is 9 and daughter is 5; he's in school all day and I enrolled my daughter in preschool which gives me a couple hours a few days a week for me to take care of me. I get my hair done, work out (or try to), shop, tan or have coffee with friends. Maybe you can setup play dates with some of the Mom's from preschool since they might have a little one like you do. You can even take turns having the kids and it could give you just an hour or so to do what you want to do for yourself. When its nice I also suggest going to the park or indoor play area if you have it in your area. It's a great place to meet other SAHM and just have some adult conversation for a few minutes. Other friends of mine have found the MOPS very helpful and I wish I would have looked into that when my son was little.
What I found a few years back that really helped me was becoming a Tastefully Simple consultant. At first I really didn't think it was for me but I really enjoy being social and it was a great way to get out of the house and not feel guilty for spending money we really didn't have and this way I was out and actually making money instead. I found a great bunch of other consultants on my team that have helped me through a lot of roller coaster rides. We are always there for each other. We also have monthly meetings so that is always a standing GNO (girls nite out). TS and my family are my life and I can't imagine my life without either of them. TS really has boosted my self image and confidence. If you are looking for a home-based business of course I would suggest TS and please contact me for a great support system. Mainly you need to find a product that you enjoy or feel you can stand behind and just take a leap of faith and try it. If it's not for you oh well.... keep looking until you find what it is. Just do your research so you don't end up in a bad company. Also ask your family and friends if they know of any.
Good luck and remember we Moms are the most important people in the world to our families. Give yourself a hug everyday because you are very much appreciated even though you don't always feel it. It will all come full circle someday.
if you are interested check out Tastefully Simple at tastefullysimple.com/web/bwiebusch feel free to contact me if you have any questions. Best of luck to you and finding your light that'll make you shine.

You are not alone! You are so brave to post a question like this. I have been a stay at home mom for almost 10 years. My husband has a demanding career and travels a lot. I have not lived near family since 2001. Almost 2 years ago, I started a home based business as an independent consultant with Arbonne International that has changed my life! The company is a Swiss Health and Wellness company. But.... the President of Arbonne, Rita Davenport, will tell you it is an personal development company disguised as a health and wellness company. So true! I have never felt better about myself as a mom and a wife. I am so proud to have my daughters watch me build a business, set goals and bring in an additional stream of income. This business allows me to have something for myself, but doesn't take me away from my family. I'd love to share more. There are so many women who are part of Arbonne who are feeling just like you. Contact me anytime.
M.
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I had to write because your story sounds so familiar. I am a little older but t seems when you have kids age doesn't really matter. I also have 3 boys ages 7,5 and 9 months. My oldest is also struggling at school and they are trying to get him diagnosed ADHD. My second child has a genetic syndrome called Noonans Syndrome. and Austins is just a cute baby ;) can totally relate to how you are feeling and it has been a struggle for me at times. I think I could wrtie on forever but I know you have received tons of advice and t is hard to keep up. For me I did a lot of research and found and awesome nutritional supplement that has really helped me and I also think we all need to have a passion in life. If you would like to talk further let me know ( ____@____.com ), it is hard enough just with 3 boys let alone throwing "life" into the mix.

Hi,
I am a 39, soon to be 40 ( but i feel like 26!), married mom of a 3 yr old girl. I had been feeling very down in the dumps for the past 3 years.....not really depressed but feeling like I need to better myself and find more to life. I was working full time and felt my life was get up , go to work, come home, take care of my daughter and go to bed. Same thing every day...very dull. My friend introduced me to a home business that i got into but never did much with it. It was not until the start of the new year 2008 did i decide to do something! So I statred going to the Y on a regular basis, kick started my home business and dropped hours at my other job. I also started reading books to help boost my confidence....I read "See You At The Top" by Zig Ziglar (little old fashion but lots of his ideas are still very valueable), "Life Strategies" by Dr Phil, and am now reading 'The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne... I also bought "Eat Love Pray" and "A New Earth" I follow Oprah's suggestions!!
I think the key is getting out of the house (no kids) As much as we love them we need our time. Do you have anyone to watch the little one? You could take a day to do things you want without kids. Or is it feasible to do part-time daycare 2 days a week while Emmett is at preschool???? I admit I don't get out and do alot but even going "thrift shopping" is fun for me on morning off. The "home business" has alowed me to meet new people and boost self confidence because there are always seminars and trainings to attend that get you around positive people and make you feel better and that you can do whatever you want with positive energy. I would look around to mom groups to join if the daycare thing doesn't work out....but if the hubby can watch the kids at night then maybe you can get out for a couple hours, work out, go fun shopping, join a mom or other group, or whatever you like.
I hope this helps, you can email me if you want at ____@____.com
Take care!!

Hi K. my name is L. and even tho im older then you i have the same problem about feeling good about myself. I believe my problem is that im scared of getting older, but we all have our issues. I see that you would like to find something to do from home. Well recently i started a home based business with a wellness company thats been in business for 23 years and i love it. im not able to stay at home right now i work two jobs have two kids and my husband works 3rd shift. But i started this business for the hope that soon i will be able to be home for my family and kids. If you are interested Please contact me i would love to give you all the info. and maybe to help you on feeling better about yourself. my email is ____@____.com drop me a note and let me see if i could help.

Hi K., I am 28 years old and Married with 6 kids. I know how you feel, but you've got to not think that way. I received an email from a friend sometime ago and I would like to share it with you. I hope you can take something from it.

“A Make-Do Woman”

When I was preparing to get married, I started getting all sorts of Advice especially at bridal showers and things like that from family and friends But one of the most interesting "lessons" came from a woman I met for the first time, just a few weeks before the big day. She said, "Honey, whatever you do, don't ever let yourself become a "make-do" woman" I had no idea what she meant, but, of course, she was about to explain she continued, "Men" don't deny themselves anything. Whatever they want to buy, they buy. Whatever they want to do, they do. Meanwhile, there is the wife, making do with her hair not being done, her clothes from yesteryear, her nails in need, never had a pedicure, scraping the bottom of her tube of lipstick! Oh, I could go on and on with how "we" make do. And why? Because the car needs fixing, this bill is behind, we have to use our time to take care of this, or take care of that; we're saving for this, working, cooking, cleaning, raising, etc." She warned me to never become a make-do woman, because she says if you start, it is hard to stop and one could easily find themselves making-do for the rest of their lives. I vowed it would never happen to me. I didn't think much more of the conversation until one day, I began to take notice, she was right. Men are a lot better at being good to them-selves. Some call it being selfish, there has to be another word for it. Tell me if you know. Whatever you call it. It does have it's place. When they want to play ball, or golf, or fish, they go! When they want to buy clothes, or equipment, or video games, or whatever their "thing" is, they buy! Have you ever tried to stop one? Has anyone ever been able to stop one? Let me know! When I look around, I see a whole heap of make-do women, married or not, with or without children, they are all over the place!

I have decided that I am going to make my best effort to become a "make-time" woman! I will make the time to do what I need to do to be good to myself, whether that's a trip to the salon, or the gym or the mall. This time I'm gonna take a lesson from the guys!

I hope you enjoyed this and hopefully you will take something from it.

D.

You gotta get out of the house. Even if you just go for a 30 minute walk every night after dinner. Or find a book club, or go to a gym- Curves, the YMCA, whatever. Book club was an awesome way for me meet new women- and many of whom are not in my age range. try your local library for one if you don't know of one now. I know it can be hard for some Dads. My otherwise lovely husband is still a littly crabby on wed. nights when i leave for my soccer games. the house is messy, dinner is cooking, then he has to do bath- ya know just hectic. but i love it so much- i just don't care. Good Luck

Just remember that God's plan for you is to be wife and mom just like you are. Life is an ever changing puzzle. Right now you are a lot of mom and a little of you. This will change. Make it a priority to find time for you. Even an hour once a week to go have coffee by yourself. Are you taking your vitamins, getting some exercise, drinking water? Do you feel depressed and need to get a physical from your doctor? Being mom is stressful! We need to take care of ourselves and make time for not only us, but our husbands.

Look at the POSITIVES! I don't know you but I'm sure you could come up with a huge list starting with Jordan, Emmett, and Anthony. Sometimes it's hard to look beyond our troubles but you've got to see how much you've accomplished in your 26 years! Wow! Can you imagine anyone doing a better job with those three boys than you? Remember, God only gives you what you can handle and he definitely thinks the world of you! Don't forget to also lean on your friends from time to time. Since they're older, they're probably also experienced and can help you with many of life's issues. Hang in there and take it one day at a time.

On to your stay at home job search: do you want to go out and party sometimes? If you want to set your own schedule with unlimited earning potentials, check out Let's Do Tea. I've been an Independent Consultant for them for 3 years and love it! I stay home with the kids and my husband watches them a few times a month while I'm out having tea parties with the ladies! If you want more information, check out my website www.huskers.letsdotea.org and/or let me know.

Take care - X.

K.--

You sound overwhelmed. I have been through this myself. I was probably your age (I'm 33 now). I have 2 kids (9 & 6) and have felt like this when my youngest was 2 and also after my first was born. Perhaps you should see your doctor. It may be post-pardum depression. It can continue for several months and possibly longer after the birth of a child. I never went to see my doctor because it finally went away, but maybe you should talk to him. I would also suggest having date nights with your husband, or possibly going away for a weekend if you can. These are little things, but they get you away from the day-to-day stuff. I also found that just getting a PT job in the evenings (after my husband came home from work) helped get me to feel better about myself and got me to talk to adults, not just kids. I worked as a hostess for a restaurant, and it was nice easy work. Hopefully these ideas will help you out. Take care.

A. W

There will come a time in your life when you aren't always changing diapers. (I can't say that the cleaning and cooking will go away, especially with 3 growing boys.) However, if you could realize how fortunate you are to be able to stay home with your children, instead of sending them off to daycare for someone else to witness all of the new and exciting things they discover every day, maybe you can change your perspective. If you can view it as such, this IS your job for right now. And you won't always have the opportunity to be with them, all day, every day. I remember having those feelings. I think they are perfectly normal. But this too shall pass. You will go through many more seasons in life. And then all too soon they grow up and are gone. Treasure the moments you have...it won't last forever.

Sounds like you've already gotten a lot of good advice. I just thought I'd add my two cents. When I got married my mom told me not to depend on my husband to make me happy. I'm a stay at home mom and I do daycare out of my home. I try to remember her advice when I start to feel down. I think you are already trying to take steps to help yourself feel better just by writing something on here (which by the way took guts so good job you!) We don't have a ton of extra money laying around so pedicures, manicures, etc. are a treat but not a part of normal life. So I started walking at our school here in town in the evenings. It's free and I noticed that I started to feel better. I'm not sure if it's the excercise or just getting out of the house that helps, but it does! I guess the theme I'm seeing from what everyone wrote, and I totally agree, is to take time for yourself. Do whatever you have to to give yourself a break, because in the end it will help everyone (kids and husband included). Add some excercise if you can. And if that doesn't work after a month or so, maybe talk to your doctor about things. If it really is depression then that's a chemical issue and no ammount of excercise or time to yourself will totally correct the problem.

hey K....

i think most moms struggle with this exact situation at some point (or at a lot of points!). i know i have, although our situations are a bit different. i'm 30, mom to a 4 year old boy & have a daughter on the way (due 6.2.08), work full time, am married so sometimes it's like having an extra kid. :)

there was a time about a year ago or so that i felt really lost. i felt disconnected from my friends (they're all stay-at-home moms or kidless) & felt like i worked & came home & worked some more. it took me sitting down with my husband & explaining my struggle to him to make changes. with his help & support in scheduling, we worked out time for him to be with our son just the two of them every once in awhile, i've made time to get my hair cut regularly, i make time to get a pedicure every once in awhile, i make time to reconnect with my friends somewhat regularly, we carve out time that i can read or sew or do something that is just for me. it has helped tremendously, and it really is about the little things... at least for me. also, he started helping out more with kid stuff - baths, bedtime, playtime, etc. & that helped tremendously.

now i feel like i have some more control over my life & i don't spend all of my time working. i feel like instead of coming home from my "real" job to do my mom job, i just get to spend time with my family. of course there are still times where i feel pulled in a million directions, none of them desireable but it's more manageable.

good luck & *hugs*...
J.

K.-
Hi- and you're not alone- trust me. Many docs ask mom's about depression- thinking antidep. will help. About me- 47yo mom of 6 yo twin girls, med. prof now part time with that, wife struggling to keep marriage exciting ; ), home business gal now- loving it with herbalife who spend a great deal of time on personal development to find who you really are!!!, and just a gal pursuing her purpose in life and USED to feel like you. You need to put your needs up on your priority list and find something you love to wake up to that excites YOU. I found herbalife and working out again. What trips you? YOu might be omega 3 fatty acid deficient- can lend to tired, depressive feeling cuz you kids steal that from you and it takes 3 years to rebuild stores without supplements. Dying hair- great start.
I'm out of town at the moment but on email. YOu can check out my site at http://www.thinkslim.org and my email is ____@____.com if you want to talk more.
B. J

Well, I have nine year old boy and a 3 1/2 month old baby girl-- I do work part-time, and have also been feeling low the last few weeks-- being in "mommy" mode it seems like all the time. You seem to have a bit more on your plate though, and I would see a doctor if your mood does not improve. I am also wondering whether any of the older women in town could still be your friends, or maybe they have advice or knowledge to help you through this; it sounds as though you haven't spoke with your husband about your feelings? If yes, and he is helpful, great. If not, I always try to explain to him that , "What if the shoe was on the other foot?" He may get tired of work, but at least he's out of the house interacting with people 18 and over-- it's a lot of work trying to take care of kids and the house and him and yourself-- and usually the priority is in that very order.

Also, if you need any resources for children or parenting for ADHD of developmental disabilities, try www.pacer.org

They should also have links and other help for your area.

Peace, C.

Oh, Honey, I hear you! There are days that just feel like you're running in circles doing the same thing over and over again. You need to get out - get away. I know that it's hard being stuck at home all day with the kids with no adult company. Even if it is going to a movie alone - it's just the idea of getting out of the house and not being on edge waiting to hear "Mommy!"
I'm active in our local UU church. It gives me something to do away from the house and helps me to get involved in community projects. It's also just a good way to be with other adults and let the children go play with other kids in the daycare room. It took some time for my 4-year-old to get used to being with other kids and away from me. After time, though, he learned to wean himself away from me for a hour or so. It's good for him, too, because he's learning social skills.
Another way to feel good is to get involved in a community project. I'm a cancer survivor and get involved with cancer walks. You don't have to try to hit up your friends for money if you're not comfortable with that. You can just pay the registration fee for most of them and go walk. It's great to push the kids, get some excerise, and feel good about helping a good cause. (And, again, you're surrounded by adults, too.) :o)

I am actually a new mom but have felt at occations the way you do even before I had a baby. I am a consultant with tastefully simple and actually go to peoples homes and they taste test what I am selling. This is the perfect job for a stay at home mom wanting more out of life. There are lots of different things out there if you arent interested in food products to sell but i think its the best thing for the resale part of it since there is only so many kitchen products one person can have in their house!! I also went to a sensaria spa party the other night and that would be a fun thing for someone to do and the person selling that was a stay at home mom as well. Hope you find what you are looking for.

Hey K.. I have definately felt how you are feeling. What I did and I am still enjoying is started a in home business. I am selling Pampered Chef and it has made me feel so much better about myself, my role as a wife and mother, and life in general. I would love to help you get started in that if you want and even if you just want to talk about having an in home job, even if it isn't the Pampered Chef I would love to help you get started or answer any questions you have. Pampered Chef is great because it gives you an outlet with something you already have to do- Cook! Even if you are sick of cooking, it can help you get the job done faster and more efficiently and everyone needs to cook. I never have to stock inventory either which is nice because I am not investing in make-up or other products which I do not know if people will actually buy or not. Give me a call on my cell sometime, ###-###-#### (it is a tampa number, used to live in FL). Hope to hear from you soon!
A. Bolin
Mother of Noah 21months

Hi K.,

I'm an older (42) married stay at home mom. I have a 9 yr old boy with ADHD and a 16 month old daughter. My hair is naturaly dark blonde, but I recently dyed it Red just for the fun of it. I work hard to keep the house clean and keep the kids on a schedule so we have some sense of order. I cook meal each day and feel sometimes like my life is full of laundry, cooking, taking care of kids...etc. Everyone is different, but I like to take on projects. On the little down time I have I'll refinish a dresser, or find interesting recipes to try, or sew something for my baby girl. Also, I'll take my daughter to the mall during the day, have lunch, let her play in the play area, get a pedicure, shop a little. We recently moved here from Arizona, so like you I don't know anyone my own age. But to keep from getting the bla's I get up early, shower, get dressed and try to keep life on track. In the evenings after the kids are in bed I exercise (vigorously) for 40 minutes while watching TV w/ my husband. I just tell myself "it is what it is" and I'm thankful I have this time w/ my children no matter how trying it can be.

It sounds though, as if you have your hands full! I wish you the best and sometimes if you try to pick your head up and smile, the smile sticks and life looks better.