How to Deal with My In-laws

L.,

Take a deep breath, realize it is not forever, be thankful that they aren't staying with you. While it seems like a slap in the face, count your blessings. Also, remember that when you get uptight so will your daughter, she will likely act out causing you more stress etc. Remember too, that they raised a pretty remarkable guy that you married, so they can't be all bad. Smile when can, take a break in your bedroom, the bathroom etc., anywhere you can find when you can't smile any longer. Try and see the good in them. Turn TOWARD your husband when things get rough, and not away.

As for their comment when you miscarried: People say things that are not always right when they don't know what to say, when they are dealing with their own grief, or when they are faced with an uncomfortable situation. I'm sorry that you miscarried, and I am sorry that their comments hurt you. You will get through this two weeks. Keep the faith!

I'll be thinking of you. I too have stressed over company.
T.

Hi L.
BRAVO Mary M.... That is the response I love to see. I agree with Mary and yet I do understand your reluctance to confront. There are not always tackful ways to handle situations like this but we can take a stab at it! It is really quite simple, your house,your rules,your way of doing things and they can always stay at the nearest Inn if they are truely that displeased with your accomidations. Mothers like to rule the roost so you may have some luck if you give her "busy work" that you just can't seem to "get done right" or "it just never turns out the same as when she does it" that way she is out of your kitchen when you need to be in it. Most inlaws that fall into the catagory that this one does are the knid of people that are never satisfied unless it's done their way. If you want to compromise then bite your tongue and treat her like any three year old that needs constant projects to occupy them. If you need it to end then talk to your husband and see if he is willing to have a family meeting to let the inlaws know you are hurt by their words and actions. Sometimes people don't realize that they are hurting others. They tend to see their actions a being helpful or just tring to make themselves more at home for a long visit and don't mean to come off as bossy. This can be used in a conversation when confronting the issues that way they don't feel as if you are the one being mean. Start by stating that you would like to settle some things that seem to bother everyone and you don't want anyone to feel bad when it just seems like they are just tring to help.(Even if you know better)this will help defuse the nastiness before it starts.I hope this helps and please read the private message for more. Smiles B.

Sometimes these things can be a blessing. I understand that you might be insulted by their decisions and you are probably insightfull enough to come to the conclusion that they are not staying with you because of their judgements about you (which may be wrong, wrong, wrong). That alone is insulting.

On that note, let's just think things through a little bit more. What's the worst case scenario?

... they judge you harshly as someone who isn't worth a damn. ~ insulting!

... they think you suck. ~ insulting!

... they have opinions about you that are NOT TRUE but there is nothing you can do about it to change their minds because they are bent on pre-judging you how they wish, based on nothing... almost seeming as if they enjoy looking down on others because it just plain makes them feel better about themselves. ~ well that's just sad!

I say, 'So be it!' and 'So what!' about their choice to stay elsewhere and I say '~whatever~' about their judgements. Not being around that toxic emotion means all the less worry and anxiety for you. If "people pleasing" is a temptation for you, a struggle for you, within your sweet heart... than you can consider yourself spared from the intense observation.

You have been given a lot of breathing room now. And in that breathing room, you can keep focused on who you truely are, you can remind yourself that they won't be here forever, your anxiety will decrease, and you can have your own home and live in it as you see fit. And if they don't like it they can go back to the other house.

My only tender advice is this: Stay true to yourself. After they leave, if you stay true to yourself, you will feel so good. Just be welcoming, pleasant, and a calm relaxed host when they are there. Have an aire about you of peace, carefreeness, and represent that nurturing side of yourself well with an attitude that everything is going to be alright.
And honestly, take a Prozac (or whatever other anti-anxiety medicine your doctor can prescribe) if you need to give yourself a break from struggling to maintain or cope through it. These things are perfectly OK you know.

If they bring their own food (my neighbor for example eats only organic -labeled- food) cook it up for them, or let them cook it themselves. Be a servant type help to them, getting out the pots and pans they need, asking them what you can do to support their fine cooking time. And praise them for being so smart about food, for learning the food facts that they may share with you (to try and educate you), and tell them how nice it is to actually have such wonderful cheffery in your kitchen. What it a treat it is for you to step aside...

The silliness or the reasons why they do it, don't matter. Don't be insulted. It's really not your issue or probably not meant to be a hint about how uneducated your food IQ is or how unskilled your cooking skills are.

"Food issues" are an obstacle too big for you to deal with. Your job is not to change them, only to love your husband, their grandchild, and smile sweetly.

And when they go just take a big breathe in that moment and let it go... It will be over and you can give yourself a big pat on the back for not letting anyone (or any judgement) creep into your heart causing you great grief.

What a great example of integrity you can be to your husband and daugther... that's the cleanliness that counts. A clean and clear heart. Everything else just falls short compared to that and is almost unworthy of any further thought or consideration.

It really is the HEART that makes the home.

God bless, YM

Oh my,

I don't even know what to say to this - but just wanted to wish you good luck!

After similar situations with my ex- in laws - my son's grandparents - I decided to tell them that they were welcome to visit / stay with us any time as long as they could learn some basic manners. I told them I would show them the same respect they showed me. I also told them that they knew where the door was, and if they would like to use it i wouldn't stop them.

Haha! My mother in law definitely did not like to hear that, but after a bit of an awkward spell she decided that being a part of her grandson's life was worth biting her toung a bit.

I think alot of times people somehow really do not have ANY clue just how rude they are being.

So..... my advice would be not to beat around the bush too much about it, because until you say something nothing is going to change and you'll just become more and more resentful. If they can't deal with it, they don't need to be around you or your kids to begin with. Easier said than done right!?

Good Luck!

Years ago when I was very young I too had abusive in-laws to deal with and I did not know how to handle the situation. You will need to take charge of the situation and it is not going to be easy, but once you set the ground rules for your home, you will be a very happy person. Your family is your family now. Your in-laws need to understand that your husband and your child are your business not theirs. You will have to gently tell them, when they make unflattering comments or complain, that they are guests in your home and they need to be polite and respect you and your choices. You may also need to tell them that you have a child that hears every remark they make and you do not wish this type of infuluence upon her. You are not too young to understand that these people are bullies and they take joy in belittling you. It is what they do, but you can stand your ground and tell them they need to respect you and if they cannot they may not visit. I believe you will win this one if you stand firm. They will be very fussy about you speaking up, but they will get the drift and begin treating you better...or they will refuse to visit. Either way, you win. Don't let them bully you. Your family is much more important than the relatives and if you want your marriage to last you need to step up to the plate now and let the relatives know where you stand.
Good luck!

Oh honey!
In laws from hell! I am SOOOOO sorry! First of all...it is YOUR house, YOUR family and YOUR life. Frankly their oppinions do not matter one bit. I used to let my mother in law tell me how things should be done and when Emily Grace was born (7 months old) I have gotten much stronger in my reactions of what she thinks is the right thing. Start saying stuff like, thanks for showing me ____________ (fill in blank). But I prefer to do it _________. or You know I don't think that is really necessary. Or Thanks for the offer of helping, but I would rather do it myself. If she doesn't like it let them go to a restaurant! Your house does not have a blinking light on it does it *** EAT HERE *** OPEN!

If they start to put down your husband...stand up and say I really don't like your tone and insults in front of our daughter. We don't let that kind of negativity in our home. Be polite but firm.

I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage...I too lost one actually before Em. It was the week before Christmas (my m in law is a nurse btw) and since she sees these things it was no big deal...plus their 1st grand baby was due in a month so our pain didn't matter much. It hurts and it sticks with you. These are the things that make us stronger. Lifes lessons of how WE will not be and what WE will not do.

Take the time and just BREATH! I would be more than happy to give you my phone number and you can call me if you need to walk away and vent! You don't know me, but I am glad to help you! trust honey, I could tell you some stories!

In the end you are a family and that is all that matters. Be the person that you would want your daughter to become. You can do this...I have faith in you!!

Good luck!

It is a PRIVALIGE that they get to spend time with your family. Do not feel obligated to make them happy, and to cater to all of their demands. You can let them have as much involvement with your family as you and your husband choose.
I would say that if you can't stand to be around them, then don't invite them to stay with you. It isn't worth all the trouble and anxiety that you feel. Family time should be "fun" and not a time for people to pick you apart. I would think that your husband needs to tell them to back-off, and to not pick apart your house and the way that you do things. If they don't like it, then they don't have to be there. That's my take on it. I never shy away from telling anybody exactly what's on my mind. And I wouldn't give people the power to make me feel inferior, and not good enough. You have your own family now, and you guys can do things YOUR way, not theirs.
Good luck with their visit. You should feel good about the way you live, and proud of your skills as a mother, wife, housekeeper, cook, etc... Don't let them make you feel like you're doing a bad job at anything.

L.,

I am so sorry to hear that it's been shakey with the in-laws. My advice to you is that you only focus on what you can do. Changing your in-laws is just not going to happen. Your own family is all you need to worry about. You don't want your husband to feel like he is in the middle of a battle that he needs to fix. You can be better than them. Don't give in to them or let them control your life. You and your family come first, so think about what is best for your family. Your husband married YOU! He loves you for who you are. You and your husband set the rules for your household. Include him in what the plans will be and decide together. I think the true frustration of getting together with any family whether it be you in-laws or friends relatives, is that you are not IN on what they're talking about. It's like a secret family code. All families have them. Just remember that your family has one and you can tell his family how you all do things.

Take Care,
G.

PSS>
After reading another person's advice, I stumbled at the words, "see the good in your in-laws". I found this a missing thought in my message that I would like to mention. You see, many times the focus is on us and our needs. Thinking well of our in-laws or the good in them, keeps us grounded in their true identity and ours. It may not change them, but it will allow you to stay true to what is GOOD or real to you.

This business of telling you how they feel about everything in a negative light is a lie and you don't have to accept it and you don't have to accept their idea about what they believe to be good or right about themselves. People that generally try to focus on what is good in a situation tend to take away the attention from themselves or from the situation at hand and focus on a much deeper sense, a sense of love for man-kind.

I believe that people all have the make-up of good. Not in a genetic sense, or even bodily sense, but a sense that is of mind that doesn't function from brain matter. All of us have experienced some kind of ideal situation that seems to be beyond the thinking of your typical self. I had this feeling when I had my baby, it's more than we understand to be possible, but it's there. Good, working through us in an innocent child coming to presence in our lives.

Your husband has this greater sense, this sense of good. Therefore it can never be lost because of someone's else's idea of him. The same goes for you. When writing the rules for your house, remember to write them with a this sense of good for one another and all that enter. Understand that these rules are for YOUR FAMILY, not for others, but you can tell them you are working on them and you would appreciate their support. If they love you enough, they will support you. If not, maybe it's best if you meet them outside your home, but also remember that your home extends outside of your walls. Your family rules should apply always.

Also, you are all growing just as people do all throughout their lives and rules are subject to change once and a while if they're not working or you've mastered them and are moving on. Give yourself the right to change them. Always remember to grow in the direction of good because if practiced, all else will vanish into thin air.

Have a great day!

WOW! I've heard stories, but have had amazing luck with in-laws (I've had one set, divorced and soon to have another). I know you're young, but you need to be comfortable enough in your own skin that you stand up to these people! When they say that they are staying at another person's house, gently reply with a 'that's probably for the best'. If it finally gets out in the open, be honest with them, ask them why they treat you and your husband so horribly!? You are one-half of that household and you are one-half of the rule-makers. They have NOTHING to do with it and have NO RIGHT to even make a comment! Maybe you can even find the courage to tell them that you don't appreciate their comments and they can choose to be civil or they can choose to not stay there. Offer to visit with them in a neutral place such as a park, going out to dinner. Make it obvious that you want to have a relationship with them (they are your husband's parents, after all!) but that you are not interested in being degraded in your own home! If you are doing something illegal/dangerous for your children, then fine, they have a right to step in-- If you're not, then it's just a difference of opinion in household life and tell them so!!!! Good luck! I feel for you!
--E.

I had ur problem once. I finally couldn't take it any more. So when they came i cleaned like i do every day. (other people thought my house was always very clean). When in-laws started nick picking i said theres the door and it runs 4 ways if they didn't like the way we lived. I told them this is ur sons house and he has no problem with the up keep of it. My mother-in-law took over the kitchen like ur's so the next time she did i fixed my own meal and ate not one bit of hers. She asked why and i told her i didn't like what she fixed or the way she fixed. It. (either too spicy r under spicy.) it was not worth my sainty to put up with it any more. My husband backed me all the way.he even pitched in a few comments himeself once i started in. We are treated alot difference now. Sometimes you just have to get a backbone and stick too it. I was never a person to speak back. They are just wanting to control you and they are.

You've been sent a lot of good ideas. However the suggestions that you fight back by telling them such things that mean, "love it or leave it" this is my house won't work. They'll feel attacked and fight back to prove that they're right and you're wrong.

However, it is important for you to know your boundaries. The list of rules of the house is great! And when someone wants to cook their food in your kitchen you have two choices. 1) tell them you don't let anyone else cook in your kitchen. Or 2) let them cook and graciously eat what they've cooked. If being in the kitchen with them makes you uncomfortable have something else that needs to be done and do that leaving them to cook and clean up. Another house rule, the cook cleans up.

The whole idea is to show enough confidence in yourself and your boundaries that you can let them do what is OK by you and find a way to direct them away from what you don't want them to do. YOu don't express any harsh words and negative judgement yourself. You behave in the manner you would wish them to behave while understanding yourself and your needs.

I learned a most helpful phrase when I acquired a foster daughter. It is "this is the way we do this in our house." or "that isn't allowed in our house." said in a firm but non-confrontational tone of voice. If the other person tries to start an argument don't get hooked. Stick with "that doesn't work in our house." and change the subject or activity. Do anything that will help you keep calm and not get pulled into an argument. One of my favorites is to start a movie and sit down. That way its easier to not even hear what they say.
Keep in mind that this is your house and they are guests. Because they don't live there they have no standing (authority) to change anything that you do. There only recourse is to do as you want or leave. I wouldn't ask them to leave unless they've been totally outrageous and you don't want anything more to do with them ever. When they decide to leave on their own they cannot as easily blame you for kicking them out.

Keep everything low-key and go about your day as you want it to go. Relax! Don't argue! Perhaps have a mantra that you can say over and over to yourself so that you won't react. One my mother taught me was "this too shall pass." She had difficult inlaws and she made it work for us.

In difficult situation I sometimes plan something fun to do the minute they leave. This has helped me. I think of that later activity instead of focusing on the present.

These difficult people will not change. There is nothing that you can do to change their relationship with you. And that is difficult to accept when we want to have at least reasonable relationships within our family. Once you stop trying to find a way to change them and focus on a way to help you manage it their visits will be less stressful over time. good luck!

I find that killing people with kindness works the best. What I mean by that is get a backbone and politely remind them that they are in your house as your guests and as such they need to abide by your rules, the polite rules of society otherwise they are welcome to leave. If they start to say negative things remind them where the door is and that you won't stop them from using it or use the good manners they should have been taught as a small child "If you don't have something nice to say don't say anything at all." or some variation of this. Tell them they must model good manners for your daughter or they may leave because you don't want her to copy any kind of bad etiquette. They are welcome to visit with you anywhere outside of your house but you will not be bringing your daughter if possible since they don't know how to act properly (Only truly horrible people would say that a miscarriage is for the best to a new grieving couple). Have your husband go visit with them alone if you can't get a sitter for your daughter(away from your house). Do not allow them access to your house, this is your domain. They may visit in the Portland Rose garden, or the rose garden in Peninsula park. There are lots of parks in portland they may visit in, or they may eat and take in a movie at certian McMinamins restaurants, Saturday Market or at any of the malls Clackamas Town Center, LLoyd Center, Washington Square, Mall 205, Eastport Plaza or any shopping area. Keep them out of your house if they irritate you or your husband. Hopefully you can get your husband on board with this. If not maybe look it up in some books at a book store or online look up the subject. No matter what keep your calm and do not give them the satisfaction of seeing it upset you. These two weeks will feel like and eternity but, they will only get worse in their behavior if you let them see it bothers you and you allow this behavior around you. You can remove yourself from their presence if all else fails but, it is better to remove them from yours to get your point across. Hope this helps, please call me if you think I can help you further. ###-###-#### H.

PS: Count your blessings that they are not staying with you and tell them "It is probably for the best that they are staying with someone else." if they try to be nasty.

PSS Afer what happened: My mother has a habit of doing this kind of beavior. Do not wait around for them, in fact make a point of being out of the house to do things. Make sure no one waits for them. They will get the hint that they need to give you an approximate itineray and stick to it for the privilage visiting with your family. If not it's no sweat off your nose.

Ok me, I have a big loud mouth and I would simply explain this is my house, You dont have to come visit here we can meet somewhere else. As for putting your husband down, it sounds like he needs to stand up for him self and put a stop to it, or Im sorry to say it just not allow them to come over. These are negative people and you dont need them in your lives. Yes I understand that they are his parents and your daughters grandparents, but you dont have to put up with anything you dont want to or feel comfortable with. You are a person with worth and feelings and if they cant respect this then Im sorry they dont deserve to be in your presence. Be strong, at least for your self and maybe your husband seeing you be strong will help him be strong also and stand up for himself. I hope all goes well and good luck