5 Yr Old Back Talking and Sassing Parents, but Not Other Adults (Teachers, Etc)

Sorry to say a child that is sassing parents suggests there are issues with parenting. Boundaries need to be set between child and parent. Sassing should come with consequence. Behavior modification helps too.

Ignore him. He's doing it to get attention and he knows it will get you upset. My son did it and when I started ignoring that behavior and responding to him only when he was respectful it changed his behavior.

I have no words of wisdom, just sympathy. I know how you feel about being ready for Monday after a weekend of that...My 5 year old is doing the same thing and her best friend is doing it to his parents. (My kiddo doesn't back talk her friend's parents and vice versa...) I think it is just a boundary testing phase that will pass. We just keep being consistent in letting her know that it is not acceptable and the behavior does seem to be dissapating. Good luck!

KD,

Consider a parenting class. We just took a Love and Logic class and their recommendations are HIGHLY effective with our precocious 5 year old. They place an emphasis on (1) setting reasonable limits , (2) having consequences for violation, and (3) doing it in a loving way with empathy, not angry punishments.

Washing a child's mouth out with soap, for example, is not very loving. It is a parent's release of anger through a vile punishment. Punishments generally are discouraged by Love and Logic. They fuel distance, anger and resentment between parents and children. You don't want your kids to resent and hate you, or you will be very lonely in a nursing home someday. Rather they recommend consequences. This is more "real world" and teaches the child what to expect from the world. Consequences don't have to be immediate. If you are not sure what to do, you can simply state "there will be a consequence for your behavior when we get home." Then have one. Children learn to respect, not resent, you for this. There is a big difference. Earn respect from your kids, not resentments.

Check it out! www.loveandlogic.com

Good luck!

I agree with Alexis' comments. You've obviously already been warning and talking about it so the next time it comes out of his mouth, you need to march him to his room and tell him when he can talk to you like a respectful big boy, then he may come out and join the rest of the family. Also, I really hope that you and your husband are speaking respectfully to each other (no sarcasm or blatant disagreements) because that can make a lot of difference between a sassy child and one that speaks respectfully!

Consistency w/discipline is your best bet. Make it clear he will lose privileges/be disciplined. Give him a warning the first time, then act the second time. And always be consistent. Kids needs structure, and after a time he will begin to understand the consequences of his actions. This will not be an overnight remedy . . . you just need to be consistent. So if he sasses you, give him a warning such as "don't talk to me that way, and you need to apologize otherwise you will not be allowed to [play w/favorite toy or watch TV for the rest of the day . . . something he really enjoys]." If he doesn't apologize or just sasses you again, then do what you said you would do. Our 13 year old daughter's cousin was very much the same at that age. She was always great with other people but not with her parents. But they didn't discipline her well . . . just a bunch of empty threats . . . and to say the least the behavior has continued to this day!

My co-worker has 3 kids and they have a spray bottle of "sassy spray." It's just vinegar and water but the point is it tastes bad (but is not harmful in any way), eliminates backtalk, and really relates directly to the offense. They say each kid really only needs one spray and after that the bottle just sits around as a deterrant.

put him in time out or take away privaledges. He will figure it out.

It is normal for children to be on their best behavior when they are around non family members. Aren't you? Children feel free to sass their parents because they know that you love them unconditionally.Your best bet is to punish him for his bad behavior towards you. 5 min in time out might work. And most definatly do NOT give him his way when he is sassing!Both you and your husband must be on the same page so he realizes that you are a united front and sassing will not be tollerated at all! Be true to your word! If you say you are going to punish him if he sasses you, do it! He needs to understand that he has a 100% chance of being put into time out if he sasses you. It may take a little while but eventually he will catch on :-)
Blessings,
B.

We're having the same problem with our son, he turns 5 next month. From what I've seen with our friends, it's a stage that they're going through. That being said, we've stepped up the punishments. For example, this morning he threw a temper tantrum at Krispy Kreme insisting that he get more than 2 doughnuts. Full temper tantrum. We took him kicking and screaming out of the store. Then we drove through Jack in the Box and my husband and I got breakfast and informed him that he could have Cheerios when we got home. We were just trying to get him to understand that we don't have to be punished because he makes bad choices. He made the statement last night "I've gotten by with it before." that made us realize that we had to be super-consistent and make the consequences count. Not necessarily spanking, etc., but what works at that moment...no doughnuts, no chips & salsa with dinner while we eat them, etc.
If he was truly starving, it would be different, but this is a well-fed, cared for child...delaying one meal by 30 minutes won't hurt him...just his feelings.

Do you have a "Naughty Chair" at your house? at 5 they can understand right and wrong choices. We have a "Tommy timer" and a "naughty Chair" (Thanks to 'The Nanny') and it works well. You have to use the system consistently, but once they understand you mean business they will be less likely to push it.

Sit them in the "naughty Chair" for one minute for each year they are old. Another minute for every Sassy Word they say while in the Naughty Chair. Set the timer and reset it if they re-offend.

Remind yourself that anything they get away with NOW will be multiplied when they are teenagers and that should help motivate you to be consistent.

Just to encourage you: a child will act our where they feel the most comfortable. Although not a possitive thing, it is a form of complement for your son to do this.

That said, he needs to be more respectful.

It is hard to dicipline your own child because you do not want to hurt his feelings, but drawing a firm line between being your child's friend and his parent must be drawn. Decide on an appropriate consequence and use it EVERY time he is backtalking.

Important: Be CONSISTANT - it takes about 6 weeks for a child to break a bad behavior; when the child starts to do it MORE as a result to the punishment, you will know that it is working because he will be TESTING the new punishment. This is why you must be consistant; he needs to know that the same punishment can be expected EVERY time.

I hope this helps.

P. <><

When my little one acted out of normal I would just ask "so what is on your mind?" It was amazing what would come up. As she got older she wouldn't want to talk about it, but would write it on her magnadoodle. I would leave the question on the magnadoodle and she would respond. That is something we still do to this day! She is 18 now. I think teaching kids to discuss feelings while being respectful is key. I agree with some of the other posts that disrespect should not be allowed, however, we must teach our kids to communicate.

Try the talking and explaining how he and everyone else needs talked to (nice) and that it is unacceptable, and the next time that he does it he will be punished.Be sure to follow through. Then either take something away, sit on a chair, no TV or whatever, but what helps I think, since it is a mouth thing, is wash it out with soap. Ungly things have to be cleaned up, so guess we'll have to wash it sort of thing. And no more soap than is in their mouth isn't going to hurt them.

Yes, I agree with direct and immediate punishment. You can't flinch. But, I think it's also important that we teach our children why they shouldn't backtalk. Does your son know about God? I oftentimes talk to my 5 y.o. about God and that He wants mommy & daddy to teach her these things....that God said in the Bible (many times) that children should obey their parents. Do you read nightly Bible stories to him? I use these as teaching tools for my daughter. There needs to be more than just discipline. We are fostering intelligience in our children and they are beginning to think and reason and we need to explain that we are punishing their bad behavior because God has told parents it's their responsiblity in raising a child.

Time outs and take away privileges. Be consistent and try not to show emotion when you discipline. Kids want a reaction so just be stern and the boss. I watch Super Nanny every week and I almost always see that the problem comes from parents who don't spend enough fun time with there kids or there not consistent enough. I don't agree with spanking unless its the final resort because you will teach your kids that when your mad you hit. Jo Frost has alot of great books to help with this topic. Go to a Barnes and Nobles and read up and take notes if you can afford to buy the books! Good Luck and remember your in control. Take a breather before discipline if you have to. Use a reward system for good behavior also helps. Post the rules where he can see them and be reminded of what he needs to do and of his punishment if he doesn't obey. 1 min per age is suggested. So he would get a 5 minute time out.

State your case to your son one time. If he sasses back, punish him. Take away the television or something that he enjoys for the evening. If he continues... do not return the item till he can control his mouth. A friend of mine use to wash her children's mouth out with liquid dish detergent. One day one of the children said hey mom you missed a spot! hahahaha. What ever you do, do not give into his sass.... do not stand there and argue back/forth. This is giving him ammunition. Like I said... state your case once and walk away... tune him out. Eventually he'll get tired of arguing with himself... And remember if you do punish him, do not relent within minutes/hour/hours... Stand your ground. You are the parent and he's the child. You have permission to punish him. Good luck.

I think it is one of two things. First, he is going through a stage in which he is trying to assert some independence from mom and dad and this is his way of doing it. Secondly, maybe you and your husband let him talk this way to you in the past and now that he is older, he just thinks it is ok. Set limits and stick to them. If he is given a warning and keeps being rude, then take something away-privledges or a toy. Also, treat him with the respect you want from him if you aren't already.

I have a 4 year old that used to be my sweet and obedient child, who after being in MDO, starting showing some "attitude" much like this. I was apalled, as we were teenagers before we even FATHOMED talking back to our parents! We put him in his room (it is time out spot for us) and let him know that he can come back to play when he is ready to speak nicely to us. When he comes out we talk about the behavior and how disrespectful it is. He says he is sorry and we hug. The incidents have DRAMATICALLY decreased because we have been very consistent - and it is difficult to be consistent sometimes, especially when you are rushing to get out the door, but it was very imprortant to us. It is hard - I know first hand - but you have to nip it in t he bud or Lord only knows what they will be doing as teenagers! Good luck!

I am from the old school, have you heard of a bar of soap?

Hi K,
Perhaps he misses you. Is there any way you could spend a bit more time with him? And perhaps he misses his dad.

Where do you think he learned his sassy behavior? I sometimes fear that my daughter has learned her rare bad behavior from me. Could he be learning it from his daycare? Or has there been a change in his life in some way? Or a vacation? A new house, teacher, loss of a friend? Changes can sometimes affect a child's mood.

It seems that kids act up when they need attention. Of course, this may all just be a short phase and he will get back to normal soon. I just heard of a book called, Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool. I have not read it but perhaps it has some great advice for when you are at your wits end.

Lots of great ideas here. I would also explore any places he might be learning the back talk. For example, a friend of mine had to ban the TV show Raven from her house because of the sass it inspired. Another got rid of Caillou because of the resultant whining. Other sources are friends, cousins, etc. Finally, take a look at how you talk to each other and to him. Unfortunately, sometimes I have heard something horrible come out of my son's mouth and realized that it sounded just like me!

Ridding your house of bad influences, changing your behaviors, and discussing why actions by others are inappropriate (and yet not punished) can help a lot.

Finally, be glad that he is great with other adults and only sassy with you. As a friend pointed out to me, it would be much worse if it was the other way around!

As I was reading your note, what jumped out at me is where he doesn't do it. He is looking for boundaries with you. He has clear boundaries at pre-school of what he can and cannot do, but maybe not so clear at home.
I can remember when I had a little one in daycare - I tended to let her get away with too much because I felt guilty that she was there all day and not with me. I don't know if that is happening with you, but I'll venture a guess that if you make some firm boundaries, including consequences for crossing the line (like whining, disrespectful talk, etc.) you will see a dramatic improvement in his behavior and your family will enjoy their weekends together instead of praying for Monday to hurry up and arrive.
Blessings, S.

I think it is "normal" for a smart 5 year old to test his boundaries and limits with the people his is most comfortable with, his parents. However, how you handle it is critical. We use Love & Logic and as a parent and a teacher, I have found this to be the most effective parenting philosophy to raise loving, responsible children and make the parents life less stressful. There are lots of techniques you can look up on their website. I would remain as calm as possible and say things like, "Oh, how sad that you are chosing to act this way. You'll have to go to your room until you are respectful." I would also give a consequence the next time he wants to go somewhere or wants something, "Oh, so sorry, but I do not buy ice cream for boys who are disrespectful to their parents." I hope that helps.

The best advice I can give you is to ignore the behavior (not the child, though). A lot of kids pick up on the fact that something they do irritates us adults, so they keep doing it, and do it a lot. Let your son know that when he treats you with respect, then you can hear what he has to say. But when he talks back to you, you are unable to talk to him. The more you dwell on his behavior, the more he's likely to do it. Stay calm (I know, that seems completely unrealistic, but it will help). This is probably just a phase he's going through, and he'll get over it soon enough. Just be very happy and thankful that he's not doing this to other people, too! And look on the bright side...this is helping to prepare you for those wonderful teenage years!!

It may also be your sons way of being frustrated with you and your husband because he is not getting enough "good" attention or one on one time. I always notice a behavior change in my son when he is feeling he needs some extra time and isnt getting it especially when my husband travels by the end of the week he is being sassy and short tempered. If dicipline is a consistent behavior then just a little quality time may change the behavior. Also dont forget the reward system good behavior results in a trip to the treasure box. May I also add I always notice a change in behavior over the summer time I think the change in routine has the kids a little ancy right now.

i like the bar of soap idea, i've forgotten all about soap. i'll probably use it on my 6yr old daughter along with spankings that she gets. i recommend a good ol' fashion wooden paddle. it's hard when your not consistant, but it's exhausting when you are. but it works. but i think whenever i get tired of spanking i'll start using soap. hehe, thanks