How Much Family Time Does Your Hubby Spend with You?

I work 8 am to 5 pm and get home around 5:30 pm. My husband works 10:30 pm until 7 am and gets home aroud 8am. We usually get to spend from about 5:30 pm until 9:30 pm together except on tuesday nights because, he has therapy and thursday nights because, I go to the chiropractor. On Friday night after work we do something as a family becuase, he is off work on Fridays. We go to a movie or play games whatever as long as it is a family thing. Our family is great right now. HE does help with some of the house work but, not nearly as much as I do but, it is getting better. He is a great dad as well.

Honestly you situation sounds like mine used to. For a few years our marriage was not very good. It was horrible. I felt so alone. We hardly did anything together although he did still spend time with our kids. I could not figure it out. Then I found out that he was having an affair and it broke my heart. He had ended the affair a year before I even found out about it. He was very sorry for the affair and just could not face me so he avoided it and me in the process. After I found out we went through 2 years of marriage counseling and seperate counseling. Now I am done with mine but, he still does therapy. Our marriage is so much better.. We are IN love again and we spend every chance we can together. We work oposite shifts so that is not alot but, atleast a few hours a day.

I had to throw mine out 3 times before he 'got' it, and even then it's tenuous at best.

He's making a HUGE effort to be around, (about 10 hours a week while kiddo is awake) and it's largely "too late". At this point I really don't want him around.

I'm really "good" about my partner being gone. I have no issue at all with distance, because distance doesn't mean separation. I was raised military with my dad gone at least 6mo a year. BUT he wrote, phoned, and when he was home we were his everything.

Over the past several years my husband has gotten worse. His sulks about being at home (HOW INSULTING is someone sulking about being with you???), gradually turned to rage. Over the past couple years, the ONLY thing that has kept me from divorcing him during the bad times (because of course, there are good times) is that I don't trust him with our son. I'm combat trained, I can handle his rages and throw him out on his ear before he lays a hand on either of us... how can I possibly ask a 6/7/8 yo to do that??? I can't. And I can't just let him rage to get the police reports that would deny him unsupervised visitation. But honestly... the sulks and having to TRY not to be mean I suspect are *far* more damaging than his dabbling with physical aggression/intimidation.

I am NOT a burden, door prize, or a thing to be suffered through. He's finally making an effort (both with his temper and in not seeing us as obligations... and *finally* being in counseling), but I honestly fear it's far too little, far too late.

What breaks my heart the most is that my 8yo DOES worship him, and as expected, when dad is around a lot, he starts treating me just like his father does. It's heartbreaking. Absolutely heartbreaking. You don't suffer through the people that you love.

Am I a hypocrite? Yup. I've turned into a woman I do NOT want to be.

Some Men, are like that because they rather not do the mundane or irritating household or children related responsibilities.

A friend of mine, had a Husband like that. But he wanted more kids.
He was hardly home, did his own socializing and golfing all the time. She did everything.
She told him NO MORE kids.
She said, confidentially to me, she will NOT have more kids with her Husband, because he is an absent Father and NOT participatory. And he was an absent and inattentive, Husband.

Kids, NEED their Dad around. They need interaction with their Dad. Or they grow up thinking that that is what a "Man" is. And this is NOT a good example, for the kids. When a Dad, is like that. And a boy, will grow up thinking, that that is what a 'Husband' is. Just selfish and not around.

Why don't you both go to Counseling or something?
It is a problem.

It does NOT matter, if a woman is a SAHM or works herself. BECAUSE... a Husband and a Dad.. has RESPONSIBILITIES. TO their family. It is their kids too. It is their family too. They are not exempt.
Everyone, HAS TO take part IN the family. It is called, responsibility.
It is the ROLE of a Husband and Dad.

A Man... will either step-up and be a Man and be responsible... or they will just revolve around themselves and act like a teenager.
It is about them not making family/kids/the Wife, as a "Priority." For them, they make other things, the priority.

Why have a family and kids and a Wife... if a person is going to spend all their time, trying to avoid it?

Maybe your Husband needs a "Wake-Up" call.
TELL him, what you told us. That you CANNOT imagine, living the next 40 years... with him like that.
Just TELL him.
AND tell him it is going to impact his Sons.
Some kids, get resentful toward their Dad for being "Unavailable" so much. THEY lose out on their childhood too.
AND they get "disconnected" too, from their Dad.
How sad.

IS that the 'legacy' your Husband wants to leave on his kids, and Wife?????

all the best,
Susan

We spend all the time he is home, as family time. He gets home from work between 5:30-6:00. We spend the time together until my son goes to bed and then we have time together alone. He works very close to home and comes home for lunch every day, which we eat as a family. On the weekends we spend all our time together. We do some things separately, too. My husband works on fixing things around the house some weekends. I'll take my son to the park while he does that. Or, he will take my son out while I clean something or finish a project. For the most part, if he's home we're always together. I don't force him, or even have to ask. He chose to have a child, so he chooses to be an involved father. He is a wonderful father and husband. Our cleaning duties are pretty much split down the middle. I hate washing dishes, so he does that. He hates laundry so I do that. We both do equal amounts of housework. Again, I don't have to ask. That's just our marriage. We do everything as partners. I realize I am very lucky to be married to a man who desires and loves family time and wants an equal partnership.

I think he is fairly common for a male. (I do realize that many of your husbands are not like this.)

You can't spend your married life like this, though, so I think you need to very calmly and matter-of-factly reiterate that this version of "family" life what not what you signed up for, and he will either be willing to work out a compromise with you, probably through a counselor, or the two of you will have to start deciding how you are going to live your lives apart.

I believe in staying together when you have children, but a man who won't listen when you tell him you are hurt and just walks out of the room, needs some serious intervention. He's being a jerk. He might just be tired of hearing you get pissed off, and that's why he walks away, but that's why he needs to understand what is happening sooner, rather than later. Before there's too much water under the bridge. (If there isn't already.)

Most men are passive-aggressive withdrawers and avoiders (sorry to generalize, but you moms out there who don't have one of these -- consider yourselves lucky.)

Time for counseling.

I am sorry you feel this way. Do you know WHY he makes these choices? It is his value system - how he was raised? Does he know it hurts you? The kids? Does he care? My point is to try to get some answers to the reasons behind his behavior. Then you can try to determine if he will change. Once you know that, you will have to make some decisions. I know many men/parents have to work long hours. However, what they do on the 'off time' is what tells me what they value. The concern you have is that he doesn't seem to value time with you or as a family, and that hurts of course. I'm sure it's hard, but can you really talk to him? Best of luck

I started doing and getting my kids involved in Dad's things. We have 2 businesses, 3 kids, horses, dogs, a racecar, 4-wheelers, and Dad hunts. IF I didn't just start getting them involved with him, I would still be in your situation.

So, Dad takes them, or us now with him. If he has to work on the weekend, the older kids go, if they want to. If he's hunting, unless he wants to hunt alone that morning, the kids go, or we go as a family. They all love to ride the 4-wheelers/Ranger. We can stay at our property here and make a day of that! The horses are a great family day.

It helps, you just have to start inviting yourself and the kids to his hobbies.

As long as Dad gets to do what he wants to do, (the biggie is the racecar), then it is easy to get him involved in the kids' activities. He has no excuses to miss dance performances because he had his 'man' time. He better help with getting the oldest to softball practice because he had 'his' time.

It works! And, it keeps our relationship in tact also. I don't have much to nag about so he enjoys coming home more. ;)

I get your point, my husband is something like that with the difference that when he gets home from work he will go straight to tv and lap top at the same time and weekends if I'm not ready and have a plan we can stay home in pajamas 2 days!....he doesn't do chores or help on anything in the house but the yard and cleaning the garage ...maybe if you are not always upset about it and trying to arguing all the time will be easier for you, or if he goes with friends one night , next day you can have plans ready and just say to him; we are doing this all together let's go! Most man are like this, if you have a good man in your life try the best to work around him, ( sometimes I get angry too and always say that I will make my plans with the kids and let him be at home all by himself ) so is not easy ...once you learn how to manage this everything will be fine....

Wow, I feel for you and your children, your husband is missing out on so much. My husband works 12 hour shifts, days/nights/weekends and overtime once a week or so. He isn't the greatest family man but not certainly not the worst either. He is there when needed or asked to, and does enjoy time with all of us. We also have date nights every month or two, and we need that. We didn't do that for many years but we have been trying harder to find the time now that our kids are a bit older and can stay home by themselves.

You need to have a serious talk with your husband, how you are loving now is not good for any of you, talk to a pastor or seek counselling. I know you tried talking with him a few weeks ago, but he obviously didn't take you seriously. You are already living the life of a single mom, you shouldn't have to continue on with the life you have, you and your children deserve so much more. Take the next step, get things in order so if you decide to leave, you will be prepared. See a counsellor, get a separate bank account, keep a journal or what is going on in your life, document things for lawyers to see (should it come to that). Stay strong, get the life you deserve.

"The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." This was on the wall in my parents' bedroom, and I am so lucky that my dad lived it.

It sounds like there are really two things you want & need. Time with your husband, just the two of you, and for him to step up as a father. First, I think you guys could really use a date night. The two of you have to be a married couple first, and parents second, if you want this marriage to be a good one. When my husband and I first became parents, he had trouble really spending time with us because he was so used to his time being his own. Also, it wasn't what he saw growing up. I told him a wife is more than a maid and a nanny. If that's all he wanted out of this marriage, then I wasn't interested. I was really mad at the time and not at all interested in getting a divorce, but he got the message. It took awhile, but as our B. have gotten older, he's starting to realize that they need him now. I need him now.

I don't know if any of my thoughts have helped, but you are not alone!

My hubby works 18 hr days. Til he does travel time and sleeps--we see him only on the days he's not working...usually 2 days out of the week. It's been on-going like this for the last 9 years. He works to support us because he knows we can't survive and pay for someone to watch the kids while I work. I am my own boss. I work when the kids are in school. Otherwise, I HAVE to be home to take care of them. We simply can't afford otherwise. He pays the bills, I do EVERYTHING else--including taking care of yards, and scheduling & seeing the vehicles get in for maintenance.