Eart Breaking Right Now

Is there anything harder than than the fist three months of a new baby? You're already past the worst of it. I hope his sticks it out for a year. He also needs to find some time to bond with that baby so he can see how shameful his leaving is to this person. Drop some baby responsibilities in his lap so he can bond and start to understand that a new baby takes all you've got. I also want to say what a creep.

Lots of men freak out when they witness thier wives give birth and become mothers. It is very humbling and intimidating to them..

It is also a completely different set of worries men end up having when they become fathers..

This is very normal, but not a reason to divorce.

The 2 of you need to go to marriage counseling.. he will be able to express and discover where all of this is coming from.

Hang in there. He is just freaking out.

Totally agree with Cheryl O. Your husband apparently never learned to be a loving, helpful, supportive husband or father. You just had a baby three months ago! That is no time at all. I think I basically ignored my husband (except for barking out orders at him to help me get something or other) for the first year. Seriously. He needs to get over himself and figure out what help he can give to you. If he's not willing to go to counseling or at least talk through with you what things you AND he can work on together to improve things, then he is a big jerk. I don't know how you can force him to see your point of view but I sure hope he comes around. Just having a baby three months ago, you must still be sleep deprived and emotional (at least I was)... I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I hope he wakes up and you can work through this. Don't stop being an awesome momma!

N.:

I'm truly sorry your husband is doing this. I would tell my husband that HE never learned how to be a father instead of just a D**K. (I read this to my husband and he said - wwwwwooooow. What a D**K.)

I would go to counseling myself, even if he won't. It sounds as if he had unrealistic expectations about fatherhood - the first year is the hardest.

You might be better off without him. Sorry. But do NOT let him and his words negatively affect you - I know it's hard. But really. This is HIS problem - not yours. He needs to come to grips with fatherhood and marriage....You continue being a ROCKIN' mom...go to counseling for yourself and let him go. You and your daughter will be much better off without him.

Added after your SWH - confused or not, N., please go get yourself ready in case he really does leave. If you have NO money, you are going to be in a heap-load of trouble. You have no idea if he would try to "starve you out" in order for you to accept a bad settlement. Only being married for 3 years, you won't get spousal support.

By the way, I doubt that he's all that "fun" either - he is using the dinner out as an excuse. He needs to be "man enough" to go to counseling to figure out what is REALLY eating at him.

Please don't wait for your house to fall on your head. Though you say you don't EVER want your daughter to go through this, you may have no choice. Get to the attorney now.

Original:
N., get yourself to a divorce lawyer QUICK and get some solid advice on how to proceed. Get all your ducks in a row. Don't tell him you are going to seek legal advice.

Do it NOW. You need to prepare. Maybe he'll decide not to leave, maybe he won't. But you need to get your ducks in a row.

I'm so sorry. But I have to say that any man who would leave his wife 12 weeks post partum is a terrible husband, and a worse father.

Dawn

I'm sure it's been a huge adjustment...but I think he's throwing in the towel too soon! Could he possibly have been thinking of this for a while, but didn't want to leave a pregnant wife? I think you need to dig a little deeper. ((HUGS))

My guess is that this is his attention-getter. He didn't tell you he no longer loves you, but he told you that he misses you. He just doesn't know how to say it. When we have children, it's so easy to forget that our husbands need us too. In those early days, how many of us wouldn't even notice if he just got up and left until we needed him to do something for us? In those early days, how often did you have to really sit and think about when the last time you were intimate was?

I'm going to take a wild guess here.

Has it been since the baby was born that you've been intimate? Or since weeks before the baby was born?

How long since the last time you asked your husband about his day?

How long since you had conversations that weren't baby related?

How long since you left the baby with one of the grandparents or aunts/uncles to have a dinner and movie together without the baby tagging along?

How long since you made a dinner to sit down to together that is a mutual favorite, made sure the baby was sleeping, and tried to eat it together? And had a conversation to reconnect?

These things are so important, all the time. He's not being selfish. He sounds concerned and desperate about his marriage.

N.,

I may be in the minority here as I haven't read your replies but....I would have said don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya! I mean come on, could he be any more self centered??? Hello....he needs to grow the hell up. Of course your life is going to change once you decided to bring a baby into the world. The world no longer revolves around him. Hells bells, my hormones weren't even settled down by month three let alone the rest of my well being. At this point he should still be taking care of both of you.

If it was an "attention grabbing" idle threat that would tick me off even more. Marriage is not a chess match to be played with pawns and ploys. Again I say he needs to grow the hell up. What exactly did he hope to accomplish by throwing the "D" word around? I mean seriously, if he's so willing to throw the towel in and it's only been 3 months what the hell do you need him for anyway? I personally need a man beside me that has my back no matter what may come our way, not a spineless spoiled brat.

If on the other hand he did it as a scare tatic, I'd still say grow up you selfish spoiled brat. What kind of a person intentionally says something that they know will devastate their spouse??? If he is feeling insecure about his place in your life then he should have come to you like a grown up and discussed his fears/doubts with you as your husband instead of throwing a child like tantrum.

Having a baby is a huge adjustment for the entire family. I'm sure you are exhausted from round the clock feedings and tending to your new bundle of joy. Any decent husband/father would EXPECT you to put your child's needs before his wants/needs. My husband certainly did and still does. Our oldest just turned 6 and our baby is 2. Both of us know/expect that we come second to our children. What I mean is we both make sure all of our children's needs and most of their wants are met daily as a team. By working together we ensure that we still have time left at the end of the day for each other. Marriage and "family" take a lot of hard work and are a team effort. Perhaps if he pitched in to help with the baby and house you would have more time and energy to spend with him.

It all boils down to communication and validation in the marriage. If he is unwilling to work with you on saving the family then you go to counseling for yourself.

I'm sorry if this came off as harsh but this just set my blood boiling for you. My heart breaks for you and your baby. I can not imagine any decent human being doing that to their spouse and newborn. You are in my prayers.

Peace and Blessings,
T. B.

Sorry, but he's not telling you the real reason he wants out of the marriage. That you "forgot" how to be a wife is BS. I would just about bet he's having an affair or at least found someone else he's interested in and just doesn't have the guts to tell you.

I have no advice other than to pack his clothes and put them on the porch for him to pick up. If he won't go to counseling that tells me that he's made up his mind and that he's not going to change it. It will be best for you and your daughter to accept that fact now and start the process of moving on.

So very sorry for you and your LO. What a jerk!!!

No advice, just sending hugs your way. Hang in there mama.

Is there truth to this? Its hard when you have a new baby, to make adjustments, keep up with the house and work (if you are) and still give attention to your husband. You have to understand that he probably feels like he isn't getting any attention any more and his quick response is to run (divorce). That isn't the answer. You need to truly look at yourself and see if you can do something to improve your marriage. What is he exactly asking you to do? If its reasonable and you can do it, you should. Like are you cutting him off from sex because you're "too tired"? Is the house going to hell and you arent cooking anymore? All those things can be worked out. And HE needs to help you too. Is he doing that? You guys need to sit down and talk it out and see if you BOTH can make it better. I would say the whole first year is hard after you have a kid. But do EVERYTHING possible to save your marriage. Maybe start with counceling. And buy The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr Laura Schlessinger. Its good insight on how a man thinks. Good luck!

Not to be rude at all, but have you? Are you giving all your time and attention to your baby? I know you're tired. I know your baby is your world right now. But, if you don't also take care of your husband, your baby's world is going to go drastically down hill. Read the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr Laura. Let him know you are reading it.

My ex asked for a divorce when my baby was 4 1/2 months old so I understand. Do what you can to save your marriage.

You need to find out if he truly means it or if it is just something he said without thinking...That first year is SO HARD for everyone...Yes, I said it...So many people keep that part of having a baby quiet, but it's the truth!

Once you know if it was a cry for attention or if it's truthful, you can sort out what to do.

I have friends who had husbands leave them within months of the baby being born and now they are so much happier without a man. I also have friends who stuck it out and made it work...I'm one of those myself. My marriage went through a really rough patch for a few years due to a miscarriage and then having our daughter. We made it through because we loved each other and we just needed to be reminded of that when all the other bs got in the way.

Whatever happens, you will survive! Good luck to you and yours!

What did he think was going happen? He'd still be #1? Either he wants your attention & went to extreme measures to get it, or there is another HUGE reason for him saying this to you. I think there's probably more to this story.

Go to counseling FOR YOU. For your child. Even if he's not willing to go. Either you can change yourself or you can find the strength to move on without him.

ETA: Pulling out the divorce threat as a threat and not "being serious" (if he says later he isn't) is cruel. If he won't go to counseling then he's being selfish. Get a good lawyer.

Also, what does he MEAN? I'm assuming this is your first child - did he realize how much work a newborn is and how, temporarily, a mother's attention goes to her child (especially if you are nursing, but just the general getting up at 2AM and being tired and trying to be there for someone who can't do anything for herself)? I have to wonder what his expectations are and if they are reasonable and what he's doing to help.

I have to disagree with the moms who ask well did you forget?
Obviously...you have a 3 month old..if this was a year or 2 in I;d ask the same thing...but seriously you're 3 months in. He's a big baby and a jerk! If he was concerned or feeling neglected he should have brought it up in a conversation like an adult...as in "Honey I feel like we're losing us and drifting, we need to fix this..."and so on.

He already checked out and I highly doubt its because you forgot how to be a wife. Possibly he was never in the reationship, or met someone, or decided he doesnt want to be a dad and husband
If he already stated no counseling...it's not you forgot to be his wife, it';s he doesnt want you to be his wife
sorry=(

"...he wants a divorce because I have forgotten how to be a wife as well as a mother...He won't go to counseling. "

He's blaming you but has no interest in trying to work together to repair the marriage. That means there is likely more to this story than you know.

It is not simply a wife/mother issue. Particularly not after just 3 months of parenthood!

It takes two people to make a marraige work, but only one to decide it isn't worth saving. That person is him, not you.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I think you should seek legal advice. Also see your own counselor, by yourself.

I am sorry, but I have to say good riddance. You deserve better than a fool who leaves you three months after you have a baby together. He is behaving like a jealous sibling, not a grown man, husband and father.
If he won't go to counseling, call a lawyer tomorrow and be happy to be rid of this looser. At least you will be able to go on and find a MAN to love you and your child like you both deserve.
Good luck!

the first year - not just couple months - but YEAR, of having a new baby is the hardest, imo. especially the first one. i think three months is NOTHING in the grand scheme of things, and i'm sorry, even if you have barely looked his way, he is super super jumping the gun saying he's going to leave. he sounds to me like a giant spoiled child having a tantrum because he's not the center of attention. i could be way off base of course.

you say he won't go to counselling (sounds like he's really committed, huh.) but is he willing to even try? or is just giving up? again, sounds like he's way jumping the gun.

he doesn't sound committed at all. to being an adult, to being a husband, to being a father. there are times you put others ahead of yourself, and a mother with a new baby is one of those times.

of course this is always salvageable but if he has left or is determined it's over, unfortunately all we can do is lend you some support :( i'm sorry he's putting you through this with a new baby, either way.

Honey, I told my husband to leave at least a half dozen times in the first year of our son's life......
I didn't mean it. He probably doesn't either.
He needs to realize he's not your only baby anymore.
His statement is childish and selfish.
A new baby is a pressure cooker for all relationships.
It will get better.
Hopefully he will realize that very soon.
Good luck!

NO NO NO no no no no.... No way is he telling the truth after THREE MONTHS of "baby stuff". 3 MONTHS? Is he HIGH??! There is either more to it, or he extremely stunted as a human being and you will be better off without him.

Kids are difficult for YEARS. He's ready to cut and run after a couple of months with low sleep and extra chores? At age 51??! Has he had a super easy life or something? So he thinks a little baby difficulty is unbearable and not worth being a FATHER TO HIS CHILD OR A HUSBAND TO HIS WIFE??!

Again, if this is the whole story: Let Him GO. But he may be up to no good, so don't do anything rash. Get your ducks in a row. Be smart in your actions. Put on your spy glasses, etc. You're still young enough to find a good man to help you raise your child.

If you had been negligent in your wifely duties for years, this would still not be OK, but you could try to improve or whatever, but a three month old baby? Get rid of this guy.

Sorry for your heartbreak, but he's really way way way out of line.

I'd love to give you some advice, but you haven't given us enough info. Why did he say he wants a divorce?
What happened just before he said that?
What has he told you over the last 6 months that indicate he is not happy?
Did he have a bad day at work?
Did you have a bad day with the baby and he is reacting to that?

Please give us more info so we can actually give you good advice.
Good luck to you and yours.

As you can see all of us our sympathetic and we feel your heart break. Was it a good marriage? If you really want to save the marriage, if it was a good marriage before, start going to counseling alone. Have you read about the Five Love Languages? this will help you figure out what your husband needs. Read a Mars and Venus communication book to help you communicate with him. (I do NOT recommend "the care and feeding of husbands" because you are not a stay at home mom) Let him know you plan to make saving your marriage a priority, but quietly do some planning to protect your self if divorce happens. Do you have friends and family around to help you if you need to raise a child alone? If the marriage wasnt great before child, it will never get better after having a child (been there!)

What is happening is happening to ALL 3 of you. There is more to your story. If you can provide a little more information, you may get some better advice/suggestions. In the meantime, may God bless you, your baby, your husband and find a way to bring you back together as a family.

I will be praying for all of you.

Blessings....

Hang in there and take a deep breath.

Before he actually goes through with it (and he may or may not), try talking with him. To appeal to his senses. To try & see where he feels
"forgotten".

Most women do change with the birth of their children. Men can't see or
understand getting lost in the shuffle.

If he won't go to counseling, you go. Get an appt for yourself right away.

Let him know while you understand what he is saying, it is very difficult to maintaing the Wife and Mother role. Many, many women go through this. However, you can BOTH come back from this.

Most men feel this way. They can't comprehend or stand being second.
what you have to do is work AROUND this.

hang in there!

My best advice, if he can't be convinced to work it out is to move in with family. It's very hard trying to deal with new motherhood and all of the financial strain all by yourself.

Has he always been this insensitive?

Im so sorry that he said that. Having a baby is such an adjustment for a relationship and really tough esp when sleep is scarce, not to mention an absent love life or time for eachother.
I would encourage you to ask a relative for babysitting so that you can have some adult time to spend with your husband. You'll find more balance in time, but when the baby is so young it makes sense your focus is there and not on your hubby.
Is there a male friend your hubby could talk to, to gain some perspective?
Hang in there

Fight fight fight for your marriage!!! My best friend has been going through the same thing the past two years. They had a 2 yr old and a 3 month old when he said he wanted a divorce. He wouldn't do couples counseling, but she did get him to do his own counseling. A big lesson to her was they didn't do date night and have time for just the two of them. Before baby 2 came along, she, her husband and first child would go out to dinner on Friday nights and she thought that qualified as "nights out".

Anyway, he moved out for about a year and a half, and they tried separation, and "schedules" with the kids (he had them every other weekend and a night each week, etc.). She even went so far as drawing up and delivering divorce papers, even though she was also fighting do hard to keep the marriage. It turned out he did have an affair, but I guess she did find it in her heart to forgive him. They're working on it now...

So the point is to keep fighting for it, both for yourself and your DD. Get out for date nights and time just for the two of you. This may take a while, and a lot of tears, but I pray you can turn this around!!!

Read The 5 Love Languages and The Four Seasons of Marriage. He's asking for a divorce... most likely to get your attention. He needs you to change something. You don't necessarily have to get divorced. It really depends on how you handle this situation.

what kind of advice is there to give. Think about it, is there credence to what he is saying? Why would he feel this about you and your daughter. What makes him think leaving you and the child will help in that situation. Counseling is always a good ideal, even if he doesnt go to it. IT can help you make sense of the situation you find yourself in. Thats a big bomb to just drop on somebody. You had to have a clue things were not working right? Let things calm down and have a long talk with him. See if you can get him to join you in some therapy. Not trying to be mean, or make you feel worse, but this seems to sudden to me, unless there is a lot more you have not told. I think its a cry for attention on his part.