For the first time today my eight year old told me she hated me and wished I were not her mother!! I was heart broken. We were at the park and to make a long story short, I made her leave since she was having a huge screaming and crying tantrum. Her brother was not screaming and yelling, so he was allowed to do his "last favorite thing". As we got into the car she announced that she hated me and wished I were not her mother. I pretty much ignored the coment, and we left the park. How do other moms handle this type of situation. I wanted to cry, but kept my cool and acted as though I did not even hear what she had just said!!
I have had that at various times from all the kids. When they didn't get what they wanted or wanted to do. My response has always been the same. I love you but I don't love your behavior right now. Hate is a word we don't like used in our home. So when they would say they hated something they had to come up with 2 nice things that they liked. it usually moved them along from that to a different topic.
Don't ever take this personally. I have only had to handle this once. I was cool and calm, looked at my daughter straight in the eyes, sadly shook my head and acknowledged the comment by saying, "Wow, that is hurtful. I hope no one ever says anything that hurtful to you. I KNOW, I WON'T." ... Be swift, turn around, and be done! (Find a good song on the radio and sing!) Don't engage her in a conversation like, "OHHHH you don't mean that, DO YOU???" I've heard parents say that. Normally the child has done something wrong to begin with and it's just a way for a child to turn the whole situation around so that their "pain" was the result of your fault, instead of their ill behavior. Try not to let that happen.
My daughter was about 6 years old and she cried all the way home, then drew me pictures all afternoon. Never said it again. She's a teen now.
You can follow up later on, when the heat of the moment is gone. Just tell her to please never say it again to anyone because it is hurtful. Talk about the temper tantrum and how you won't accept that behavior because it is a privilege to go to the park and she needs remember how to act because you enjoy her company at the park. Then tell her how she CAN respond to bad news - and what you think is appropriate.
And just as a side note, "hate" is one of those words that I will stop my children when they are just using it in a sentence that doesn't warrant such a strong word... (i.e. "I hate homework!")... .It's hard to keep it out of their vocabulary but I do my best.
<hug> Hang in there. I can imagine how much that hurt. My 6 year old told me once he hated me and didn't love me anymore. Out of instinct I chose to reply with "That really hurts me that you say that. Just so you know, I love you and no matter what- no matter how mad I am, I always love you. It's OK to hate me though if you want to- but, I love you." He didn't respond, but he never did say that again.
I think just combating that crazy spell they get under with total love and devotion "might" help? Though, I have not yet been through the older years and will admit I am scared to death!! (-;
I haven't personally dealth with this yet...but when I told my mother this years and years ago, she told me "You need me more than I need you." And you know what, she was right.
Oh, that does hurt, doesn't it? I think all kids do that at one time or another.
I think it's important for them to know that no matter what they say or do, our love never goes away. On the other hand, we also need to show that you don't get to say whatever you want all the time, as they get older.
When my little guy (5) says that I know he's feeling overwhelmed by his emotions. I don't spend a lot of time discussing and I keep it very cheerful, but I say something like, "I'm sorry that you're feeling that way right now, and I will always love you."
When my older son (9) said something hurtful not long ago I felt like he is old enough that he needs to exercise some moderation. I didn't get angry, but I did say something like, your feelings are important and it's good to notice when you are angry or upset. But your words are also important. It's ok to be angry with me, but it's not ok to hurt my feelings.
I think it's one of those things that depends on the child. But whatever seems right, don't let it hurt your feelings - I think it really means that she is feeling safest with your love because yours is the one she is testing.
I am a mom from Rolling Meadows. I have a daughter who is 7 yrs old and she says it at least 5 days a week. I try to block it out because she says it out of rage. And then comes back after the temper tantrum is done and apologizes. But it is just because you hurt them so they want to hurt you back.
I do like another mom and tell my son (10). I am sorry you feel that way right now but I will always love you.
Later when things have settled down I talk to him about how hurtful that comment was and while he has a right to emotions he does not have the right to say or do hurtful things.
