I Don't like You Mama...

Don't think about your mother when your daughter says things like that. It isn't at all unusual for a toddler to try out new expressions and see what happens. She's learning how to express herself verbally. Admittedly, she's not doing it beautifully right now. But she'll learn. It takes several years.

Your answer to such a statement is, "I love YOU." If you have given an instruction, such as, "It's time to go home now," and DD says, "I don't like you, Mama," your answer is, "I love YOU very much, and we are going home." Be matter-of-fact, firm and friendly. Don't react strongly. It doesn't call for a strong reaction.

Your daughter may bring statements home once she starts preschool. You can always talk to the teacher to find out what it's really about. Teachers hear everything from kids - probably more than parents do!

6 moms found this helpful

If you shut down now over those 5 little words uttered by a 3-year-old, I have no idea what you'll do when she's a teenager! Teenagers can be really, really mean.

She's 3 K., and she doesn't mean it. You probably did something she didn't like. I would have asked her why she was saying that to me. And then there would have been a discussion about that. You simply can't shut down with a 3-year-old. Those are teaching moments, and times when you can learn a lot about how she is feeling about the world.

Kids don't love us unconditionally. But we love them that way. Open the dialogue and talk to her about her feelings. And ready yourself for 10 years down the road when she says really mean things. It's coming, I promise you. And you can't shut down! You're the mom.

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My parents said it to their parents, I said it to my parents, and my son has said it to me. I either ignore it or just tell him that I love him. Usually he says he doesn't like me or hates me when he is in trouble or has to do something he doesn't like. Trust me, she doesn't mean it. I'm not against making her apologize, but I don't make my son. Just don't let her know that it bothers you.

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Ah, I have a 16 year old.
I can no longer count the number of times he has told me

You are mean
I hate you
You hate me
etc
etc

I always, always, always, respond(ed) with "That's okay baby, I will always love you".

Not much he can say back to that. And it reinforced to him that no matter what he said that I do love him.

They do this for many reasons, depending on the age. Toddlers, because they do not have the cognitive nor verbal skills to express their feelings, Tweens and teens, because they want to get a rise out of us and are going through the push/pull phase.

Best bet is to tell her simply - "I love you, but we do not say mean things to each other in our house?

Rinse and repeat and don't let it hurt your feelings.

Remember she is not your mother
Remember that she loves you
She is not your mother

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When my son was 3 and he did not get what he wanted he would say the worst things he could think of to me. I don't like you mama, I'm never going to play with you again, you are mean, you are not my friend, and he even had his own made up cuss word, "gut gut". He would yell to us, "You gut gut!" Just tell her, well mommy loves you, but mommy does not like it when you have bad behavior. Tell her she is not to speak meanly to you. Don't take it personally! It is a 3 year old trying to let you know they are unhappy or mad at that moment.

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If thats the worst thing youve heard, you are doing pretty good. My 3 yr old told me a was a bad mommy and a mean mommy because I took a water bottle away from the baby that he was playing with. She said I made him cry, which was true, lol. She yells all kinds if stuff from her timeout corner, she wants daddy, she misses daddy, Im mean and bad, she just wants to say shes sorry, I dont love her, she didnt mean to shove the baby down and take his stuff, it was an accident, she doesnt like me, Im a stupid mommy, ect, you get the point. Just let it roll off you, we all get angry and say things we dont mean, even 3 yr olds.
The new thing is at our house to say that Im a bad mommy because I wont let her get on the schoolbus with the neighbors, hello, shes 3 and they are in middle school. She packed her little bag and tried to go right out the door. I told her if she wants to run away, it might help to be wearing pants, and not be in your underwear :)

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She does not mean she does not like, you. She means she does not like your rules.

Or she is frustrated because you do not let her do whatever she wants. .

She is a bright child to realize that when she is frustrated and does not like the rules.. and since you are the rule maker in your home, she does not like the words..

She is a young child, she will always love you..

I am sorry your mother used to say this to you. It is just so cruel to say to a child..

Your daughters will not even remember she said this to you.. Get a hug from your husband and your daughter.

Look into your self and love yourself..

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K. it's VERY important to remember YOU are the adult and SHE is the child. She is not abusing you like your mother did. She was probably mad or upset because she didn't get her way or something, and at those moments she DIDN'T like you, and that's okay! Being a parent is so much more important than being "liked" all the time. I know it's hard, but if your child never says things like you're mean, I hate you, you're the worst mom ever, then you must be doing something wrong :)

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Get a hug from your DH and move on. This won't be the last time she says she doesn't like you, doesn't like what you said, doesn't want to do what she's told, or you embarrassed her in public and she'll just sink into the ground so she doesn't have to face being 15 with such a mother.

I'm not trying to make light. I"m trying to offer perspective. Please don't take your 3 yr old personally because your mother didn't know how to be a parent. I would just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I still love you" and move on. My DD used to get up in my face and tell me I was mean because I told her no about something. "I'm sorry you think I'm mean, but you did x and you need to do y now." If you don't make too much of it, it won't last. If this really stabs you and you can't get past it, consider therapy to deal with your mother's behavior so you can be an effective parent for your daughter.

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At that moment, she may have not liked you; however, I assure you she always loves you.

My daughter went through a phase if that and I would just tell her that I loved her anyway.

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My daughter would tell me she didn't like me and worse. It hurt! Gradually I learned to not take those statements personally. I now have grandchildren who say the same sort of things. I'm amazed that the statements roll right off my back. Don't bother me at all.

I've learned that children haven't yet learned socially acceptable ways of expressing their feelings. They say the first thing that comes to their minds when they're unhappy with us. This is a teachable moment. Tell her that you love her. Remind her of the most important feeling. Teach her that you have unconditional love, no matter what she says.

It will take years for them to learn to not say those words. There are two theories of thought on teaching them how to verbalize their feelings. One is that you tell them that their words hurt and give them different words to use. For example when she says she hates you because you wouldn't let her do something say to her that you know she's angry because you wouldn't let her do x. Then tell her you love her.

The other theory is that you don't let her know that it hurts you. The idea is that if she knows she'll use it to get even or to manipulate you. I don't agree with this theory.

I do believe that when you give her words to express her anger that you must remain calm and appear to be mostly unaffected by her words.

I suggest that you find a way to deal with your hurt and angry feelings over your mother's lack of understanding and use of those words. Counseling would help if you've not had it before and learned how to deal with deep seated feelings.

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Normal words from a 3 year old. the truth is, in that moment, she didn't like you. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you or that she thinks your the worst mommy ever. She only means that she thought you were being mean, sometimes your job as a mom means you are going to have to mean.

At some point along the way you will also hear "I hate you!" and " You are the worsest mom ever". Take it with a grain of salt, don't take it personal, because it isn't personal. It's just how they are feeling in that moment, and like most kids...10 minutes later and you will be the bestest mom ever.

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She did not need to learn this from somewhere. She is three. She has learned that there are things she likes and things she doesn't like. Since you don't give any context as to when she's saying it, I am going to assume it's when she is being redirected and she's not happy about it.

Assuming that she does know what she's saying, don't take it too personally. There was recently a post on here about how even though we love our kids, we don't always LIKE them. Maybe that's where she's coming from. She loves you, but there may be times that she doesn't like you.

Again, don't worry about it or take it personally. They say that if your kids don't like you, you are doing something right!

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All kids do that, especially if they've been told no to something they want. I just told my daughter that I was sorry she felt that way and to be sure and let me know if she changed her mind. She always did.

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Do you realize, K., that most kids say this to their parents when they are little (or when they're smart-mouthed teens)? Maybe you aren't aware of this. However, MOST mothers don't talk like this to their children, and you happened to have a mother who did not act like a mother, talking this way to you.

I wanted to tell you this so that you would hopefully see the difference, because the difference is VAST. She doesn't HAVE to hear it anywhere - she is learning about feelings and how to express them. Children wear their emotions on their sleeves and she said what she felt. Later, it might be "I hate you mama" because her feelings are even stronger.

What I did when my little ones said it was say back to them "Well, I love YOU. Now let's put on your shirt" and ignored it. However, if they would have found a chink in my armour because I had had a bad day, and they realized it was a button they could push, and kept trying to push it, I would have sent them to their room for a little bit and removed me from their presence so that they could miss me. If they had said it when they were older, I would have told them that it was disrespectful to say that to anyone, including mama, and I would have told them that they weren't allowed to say it.

So, stop worrying about this, stop projecting your mother on your 3 year old, and you'll both be fine. When she starts school on Monday, she'll be so happy to see you when she gets home, she'll forget all about not liking mama!!!

D.

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K.,

Boy do I know how it feels. But, you have to keep in mind that she is 3 years old. She doesn't know how to tell you ---Im upset, Im mad, Im angry with you etc. She is using her words to tell you she is really upset about something.

The way I deal with it is: Kid: I don't like you mama
mom: ouch! wow, you must be really upset to say something like that to me. That hurts. Lets talk about it. What are you upset about?

Kid: you didn't let me eat ice cream. so im mad at you. I don't like you.

See its not personal, its the way they know how to communicate. You have to teach her that when she is angry/upset etc. to use her words and tell you what is going on. Then, together you can see if you can fix it.

I am so sorry you were treated badly as a child. I know how you feel and you need to let this go so it doesn't eat at you.

Take care,

M

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You're going to have to develop a much thicker skin. It's totally normal for kids to say that around that age...not only is she testing you; she's testing how her words can impact others. She's also going to start telling you that you aren't her friend anymore, you aren't her best friend anymore, that you make her cdry, and that she doesn't like you anymore. The more reaction you have to it; the more effective it is for her. The less reaction it gets from you; the less she'll want to say it.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, she may also tells you regularly how she loves you, is your friend, is your best friend, etc. I've often gone from best friend ever status to not being my daughter's friend anymore in a matter of seconds.

Some things that help are to remain calm and respond calmly. When I am pronounced to be not liked or not a friend, my standard calm response is "that makes me very sad because I love you very much" followed by silence. I also use "well, I'm sorry to hear that, but it is more important for me to be your mom than your friend sometimes. I love you very much and like being your friend." That lets her know that her words had a reaction, there's still unconditional love for her and that I won't change my requirements of her just to avoid conflict. If she goes as far as to try to say she "hates" me, though, I do tell her "we do not hate people. It is ok for you to be angry with me, but you do not hate me and are not so say that. I love you very much, even when you are mad at me."

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Testing her boundaries. I would say something like: "Honey, even if you do not like me right now, I do like and love you, and always will, but your words hurt my feelings". Or make a joke out of it and say: "where did you learn to say something silly like that?" with a smile in your voice. Or just show her your love by spending time with her and paying attention to her. And my mother told me this, that if your kids do not tell you at least once in your life that they hate you, you are not doing things right. I think she meant more the teenage years, but who knows. Don't take it personally and don't be mean back. Just hang in there.

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Totally normal. In fact by 3 yo I would have expected it sooner and worse! I wouldn't react with sadness or hurtful feelings at all. Just tell her we do NOT act mean toward mommy or anyone. If you do that again you will get a time out (or whatever you do for discipline).

If it makes you feel any better, I have a 22 month old who says mean things to me too sometimes. When she does I give her a stern warning. Today after I delivered one of those stern warnings she said "sorry, mommy" out load but then right after she leans her head down and whispers to herself "go away"! Hmmmm......she is going to be crafty!

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Kids will be kids. Toughen up and move on. My 5 year old tells me I'm the worst mom ever when I won't let him do something he wants. Not always, but when he's tired and I've upset him, I am the worst in his little eyes in that moment. I know he loves me, and is only speaking out on his feelings...didn't you tell your parents they were awful at least once in your teenage years? You probably did it when you were younger too and just don't remember.

When my kids say things like that to me, I tell them they can not like me all they want to, but I love them like crazy. That normally makes them a little more upset, but it's the truth. Hang on mama, it's going to be a bumpy ride with kids until the end of time!

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My 4 year old tells me I'm a "bad Momma" on a daily basis. Usually when I don't let him do or have something that he wants. But, then he also tells me everyday that he loves me and I know that he does. She may not really know exactly what she is saying and how it makes people feel. I tell my son that I don't like when he says that because it hurts my feelings and makes me sad.

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you cannot let a 3 year old crush you. she needs you to be strong and confident so she can learn to be the same. she's barely learned the language and now she's testing it. you're a safe place for her to do so.
if your dh realizes she doesn't really understand the implications of her words, why is he insisting that she apologize? apologies shouldn't be social sops, they should mean some degree of genuine remorse. if you want her to be honest, don't teach her to be otherwise.
when she says that to you, beam back at her and say 'do you not like me right now? well, i like YOU. in fact, i like you so much i might just have to blow raspberries on your belly!'
if she seems genuinely angry, say 'boy, i can sure hear from your words and your tone that you DON'T like me right now. i know you don't like it when i tell you it's time to pick up your toys. sometimes i don't like it when i have to do things either. but it's still got to be done. let's go!'
there are lots of good responses. don't fall into the trap of allowing a tiny person to be the boss of your emotions. she's too little for that.
ETA i thoroughly disagree with the advice to instruct her that she's not allowed to 'say mean things.' saying you dislike someone or something is not mean, it's expressing oneself. children should never be trained out of that. i wouldn't dream of punishing a child or telling her she's wrong for saying what she's feeling. she's only 3. she'll learn more appropriate ways of sharing her feelings as she becomes an adult, if she lives with people who are kind and courteous to each other. you don't punish that into a tiny.
khairete
S.

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oh honey....i don't mean to trivialize your pain but really, you've GOT to get over this. get into her head, and on her level. she has NO idea. except she probably saw the gut-wrench on your face so now she will try it a few more times and see if she keeps getting a reaction.

hey at least it wasn't "i hate you" or "i don't love you" (which will probably come, so be prepared!) -she is perfectly within her rights to not like you from time to time. she SHOULD dislike you at times. that means you're doing your job. did you really think you'd get through this parenting gig and never make her unhappy? use "NO" - use it with no guilt and use it often. that's what moms are supposed to do. and yes, it will make her not like you. just because she said it instead of internalizing it - actually is a good thing.

get over the idea that she is your precious little adoring angel. that's not what mommy-ing is about. (ok most of the time it is - but you have to be the "boss' too!)

:) good luck! you'll be fine. (and fwiw, i don't believe disciplining this is the best way to handle it - first because she does have a right to feel however she wants to. she's not calling you names or being hurtful, she's stating a fact- she doesn't like you. you wouldn't put her in time out for disliking pretzels, would you? she isn't being hurtful deliberately, she's just stating her feelings. that's actually good. second, because disciplining for these kinds of things is just going to call attention to it, where if you just let it go, she will see it doesn't get her any attention or reaction and she will stop doing it much sooner.)

i love my child and my husband more than anyone else on this earth - but heck, even i don't "like" them sometimes. there are times they just annoy me and i don't want to be around them. i wouldn't punish my child for having honest emotions. it's how they deal with them that counts. stating them is fine. having a temper tantrum, throwing things, acting hateful - that's where i draw the line. everyone has theirs. if you insist on her never saying these things and disciplining when she does, i guess she'll quit saying them eventually. but she'll quit saying other things in the process. when my son tried this (yes, granted, he's a boy so likely there was a lot less drama involved when he did it lol) i just looked at him, said, "okay if that's how you feel, but the answer is still no." and moved on. you'd be surprised the things he confides in me now. i would never tell him he should not feel a certain way. it's all in how you handle those feelings. squashing them or telling them it's wrong to have them just causes all kinds of feelings of shame and failure when the child can't control them and feels like they are "bad" for feeling that way.

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Try not to let it bother you. Trust that your daughter loves you. She's just 3. If you are a good and caring Mom, and do what is best for your daughter and your family, you'll hear a lot worse from her. My daughter is 6. When she doesn't get her way she tells me I'm the worst mom in the world and that she wishes I wasn't her mom. Some days it bothers me. But I know she loves me and doesn't really mean it. She always apologizes for it later or gives me a hug. When she's a teenager, it may be different. But when they are this young, they don't really mean it. Let it go. If she finds out she can hurt you so simply, you're in for a rough ride later on. Good luck and enjoy your daughter.

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Hurts, doesn't it? Wait till she tells you she doesn't love you and wants to move out. My 6yr old went through a phase a few yrs ago like that. I just told her - well I still love you. But it broke my heart to hear!!

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What I don't see is did she say this in reaction to you telling her no, taking something away? What were the circumstances behind her saying this.

I know the first time I heard similar words I was having to be "mean mommy" with my daughter and telling her "no she is not going to do this or that"...

I have learned that if I hear "I don't like you or your mean"...then I feel like I'm doing something right. I think back to when I was a kid and said or thought that stuff about my parents and sure enough...I can now see they were doing it for my best interest. So if I hear the words now I proudly know "I've got one thing right so far"...means I'm doing my job!

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Hard to hear but OH SO NORMAL. Now that you know she is entering this stage, start to prepare yourself mentally. Decide how you want to handle the "I don't like you" and "I hate you" statements that are a natural stage for kids. With my son it has worked best to not make a big deal out of it when he says it. I just tell him I love him no matter what and I acknowledge that he is feeling angry. When he is calm later, we talk about better ways to say he is angry. He says things like that much less frequently now.

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Don't worry! Your child does not really FEEL that way, don't read too much into it and don't look for the CAUSE, or take it personally. ALL KIDS try this. Even mine who would NEVER do it now at their ages (6, 4 and 3) thanks to IMMEDIATE explanations and FIRM discipline the second time anything disrespectful was said. They all say "I love you" 50 time per day to me (and vice versa) and they're eyes are as big as saucers when they see other kids say mean things to adults.

If you want a kind child who does not say mean things, do NOT ignore these first little natural comments. You need to swoop in serious as a heart attack with a calm, firm, CONCISE (at three, don't get wordy or explain your "feelings" they're too young to care) warning that they should not say mean things like that and a FIRM consequence the very next time. Don't leave it to modeling nice behavior on your part (thought do continue that of course) and trying to display how nice you are etc...NIP IT so they know it's serious and they never get in the habit. As they get older, you can rely on sympathy and understanding and explaining hurtful stuff. but to be honest, I didn't even have to because that behavior was long gone by then and they have learned to be kind on their own by watching me be kind to people. But I SURE did not let them talk that way to me. Nope. I know too many little kids running around saying mean things to parents. Not cool.

Mine may try it again as teens, but they won't get away with it. I never talked that way to my parents (or if I did I was sorry). It wasn't worth it. Don't let the seed sprout. The nicest kids and teens I know are the ones with parents who cracked down on this big time.

No offense to the loving moms, but do not reward this behavior with "I love you" if you want the child to know it is absolutely not OK to say that. You can say "I love you" all day long, and I'm sure you do, and you should continue, but when SHE SAYS something mean, it's discipline time, not reward time or "see how mommy lets you say mean things" time.

That's my advice. But don't worry about it. All kids do it. Or "try it" I should say. Lots get away with it and it gets worse, but ones who don't get away with it do not continue.

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Just wait until she says she hates you or that YOU hate her. :(

She's 3 and doesn't have the maturity to verbalize her anger at you rationally. In actuality, she really didn't like what you asked her to do/not do/your discipline, etc...

Don't take it personally, but correct her when she says this by guiding her by telling her that you think she meant she's MAD at you for ...(insert problem here)... You need to teach her the difference between being mad at, and not liking someone.

Good luck! As I've been told, it only gets worse once they hit the teen years. (Lord help me) :)

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I would ask what she meant; she probably doesn't even realize what it means and then I would just fluff it off.

Wait till she's a teenager and tells you she hates you!! It's at that point you know you're doing something right!!

Good luck!!

Excuse me if I am repeating someone else's response.

Kids say things. They speak before thinking, without knowing how it can make others feel. It's a learning process. My daughter said basically the same thing to me when she was 4 and it crushed me, as well. I told her that when she said that, it made my heart hurt and to please don't say it again. She never has since then.

She loves you, and you know this to be true. She's just learning how to express herself. Consider this a learning moment for both of you. Let her know that if you do something or something happens she doesn't like, to use her words to let others know without hurting hearts/feelings.

Best of luck with the beginning of school. :)

L.

Just wait ' til the teen years.....when she looks straight at you and says it. I still get a lump in my throught thinking about it. UUUGH! Your little one is 3 and excercising her individuality and perhaps you were dishing out some rule she totally hated and she just lashed out at you because you were delivering it. Do not be overwhelmed by the relationship you had with your mother. DO NOT bring that toxicity into YOUR relationship with YOUR daughter. She has nothing to do with you and your mother, so do not shut down and retreat! Make the difference you always wanted with your mother, don't follow the same cycle. Ask her....."why would you say that to me, you are hurting mommy's feelings" and she might be mad enough to give you an answer or immediately feel remorse and apologize.