"Secret" Family History- How Much Do Kids Really Need to Know?

Hi C.! We have this same situation in our family. My sister's dad is not involved in her or her kids lives AT ALL and my dad (sister's step dad) is the only grandpa they have known.
I think that the truth is that your bio dad is not their REAL grandpa. Their "real" grandpa is the one they know and love. That can come much, much later if they are never going to meet him. He can be the "other" grandpa not the "real" one. :)
My opinion is to let kids be kids and not let them have to worry about the dead branches of a thriving family tree.

Good luck! I know you will make a decision that is right for your family.

3 moms found this helpful

Here is my experience. My grandparents on my mom's side were divorced and remarried before I ever came along. I grew up with two sets of grandparents on my mom's side and a grandma on my dad's side. I never knew any different. I of course realized the ligistics of it all when I grew up, but it didn't really matter any. My grandparents are my grandparents. When my "step grandpa" passed away, it didn't hurt any less and now that my grandfather has passed away, my "step grandma" is still just my grandma and I love her the same as I always have. I just don't see the big deal about it. Your son's grandpa is his grandpa no matter the "secret" behind it.

2 moms found this helpful

It's the same as "ANY MAN CAN BE A FATHER BUT IT TAKES A REAL MAN TO BE A DADDY."

Your DAD is the one your son needs to know about. NOT a man he will never meet. There is no need to tell him. What would be the point. Perhaps when he's way older. (Like 18 or so in my opinion......)

2 moms found this helpful

If your biological father isn't in the picture, why even bring it up? Your son is never going to meet him, so why add the confusion? Your "real" parents/grandparents are the ones who love you, raise you and care for you. I'm adopted; I know this first-hand.

If you want to talk about this with him in the future, wait till he's a teenager. Seven is far too young, in my opinion. Make sure your mother is on the same page so she doesn't take it upon herself to tell him and make a mess of things.

2 moms found this helpful

I would say at 7 he does not need to know the details. My biological father has never been a part of my life and my married my step dad when i was in 6th grade. To me he is my dad and my sons grandpa and thats all there is to it. My son is only 2 but explaining that to him down the road has never even crossed my mind. My step dad is his grandpa and always will be. If my kids want to know details when they are older and ask about it then i will tell him. But at 7 he is a kid and there is no reason he needs to know any different. It is not a big deal and all that matters is that he is loved. Kids have enough to go through and learn growing up. Details like that is not one of them. He loves his grandpa so leave it at that.

1 mom found this helpful

You got a lot of great advise. I dont rememeber when I was told that my grandpa was not my "real" grandpa must have been young cause I know I have known for a long time. But anyways whenever you tell him you will feel it is write just pray about it and it will come to you. I know that my Grandpa is not my "real" grandpa but that has never been the feeling in my heart. Also my biological grandpa was not a nice man when my mom was younger and thats why my grandpa adopted my aunt and mom and he is all I have known and he a agreat man and I am still very close with him. He will love your dad the man you call dad and thats all that matters :-) Take care hun!

1 mom found this helpful

I have a similar family history myself - only when I was 28 I met my bio father and introduced him to my now 2 oldest children. My dad abandoned us when I was 3 yrs old. Literally, he drove my mom to work that morning and that is the last time she saw him. My dad is an alcoholic, something I will never understand is how anything in the world could keep you from your children, but alcohol is a drug to some people and it has that effect. My mom remarried when I was 5 and this man adopted me. So..... I'm not close to my bio father - I learned he wasn't capable of the relationship I was looking for. My kids know Grandpa Frank as their Grandpa. The older ones know the story about my own father; however, we never dwell on it. It's always just been a story. They know we get christmas cards from their "new papa", but even now my 11 yr old doesn't really remember him. He simply knows it as a story and only knows Granpa Frank. My 14 yr old understands it the most, but it just doesn't effect him. I don't think he really cares.

Your son might be too young to really understand your family history. My daughter is 7 and she doesn't get it and I don't push it. I don't even think she would remember that he exist because he's not part of her life. Honestly, it sounds like your mom feels the need for them to know the secret, but it's not really necessary for your kids to "know" just yet. You know your kids best and I would follow that intuition.

My mom never spoke about my own father and so when I met him I learned that she had years of unsettled emotions with him. He really hurt her - not me. She feels a need for my kids to understand that SHE didn't divorce him, it was HIM that left her. I think it's all baggage and i don't dwell on any of it.

Your kids have no connection to this man and it sounds that you really don't anymore either. I would just leave it at that. You will know someday when the time is right.

1 mom found this helpful

I don't have an exact experience as you but if it's not an issue then why bother? I think you run the risk of their relationship going south if you said anything. Why ruin an attachment he currently has with a man who plays the role as Grandpa?

My mother gave birth when she was a late teen and I found out about it from her when I was 18. I did feel hurt that she kept it from me but there was really no reason for her to tell me sooner. It would have done me no good. At least at 18 years of age I had processing skills and although my initial reaction was shock I could process her reasons for not telling me sooner.

At seven years of age I wouldn't break up an intact male role in his life. It will be of no benefit to him. I'd hold off and either wait until he asks you questions or when he's an adult. Make sure your family members respect your wishes and keep their mouths shut should you decide to tell him later in life.

1 mom found this helpful

C.,

You already have a lot of great responses but I just wanted to add my experience as well. I grew up in this same exact situation. My dad's dad left hiim when he was really yoong, my grandma remarried. He had 10 kids in the family and half of them have different last names. My parents never told me when I was young, I figured it out by my cousins having different names then me. When I was in high school my dad contacted his real dad and only him and I got to drive 500 miles to see him. It was weird because he looked like me and my dad, but I just thought of him as a just a guy, not my grandpa. He had his own new family and didnt seem to care about us. We havent spoken to him since and my step-grandpa is all I know and all I care to know. Now that I am in my 20's I do ask my parents about what happened just for curiousty.

I agree and say dont tell him unless he asks. When I found out it was no big deal I knew my step-grandpa is my "real" grandpa.

M.

1 mom found this helpful

I think you are right. There is nothing to be gained by him knowing. It's not like he came to you and said "mommy is that my real grandpa?" I don't think it needs to be revealed until much later. It might confuse him to find out that his grandpa isn't his "real" grandpa; "so then he's my "fake" grandpa? Can I still call him grandpa? Where's my "real" grandpa?" Etc. Wow this is giving me a headache! Poor kid! Leave well enough alone. All that matters is they have a wonderful grandpa that loves them!:)

1 mom found this helpful

divorce isnt that big of deal anymore..why does your son need to know about grammas personal buisness and at 7 yrs?? why confuse him?? he has granparents that love him..leave it be..the divorce has no meaning at all to him...

1 mom found this helpful

You are right he doesn't need to know until he is much older if he needs to know at all. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

i dont have personal experience, but my thought is...i agree with you...you dont even consider your dad a real dad anymore...your kids love your step dad as grandpa...let him discover on his own and when the time comes just be honest and open about it...if his grandpa is active in his life your son will realize he is not missing out.

it may come up if your son does some kind of family tree project (i think usually in jr high). in a few more years he may want to know the truth and make contact...cross that bridge when is may/may not come up.

1 mom found this helpful

I actually have very similar circumstances - my bio dad hasn't been a part of my life since I was young and my mom remarried to a great guy that my kids call Grandpa. My oldest two girls are 21 and 19, and I didn't tell them until they were early teens, and my youngest 4 (all 12 and under) still don't know. We don't keep it a "secret" per se, I think the older girls found out by something being mentioned in front of them by another family member, it just isnt' worth specifically discussing. Neither one of the girls were mad when they found out, but I will say that neither one of them really understood the circumstances until they were 16 or 17.

Ultimately, it is up to you (not your mom) to decide when the time is right. I agree with you that 7 is too young to have to deal with all the issues surrounding something like this. I think that you will find that you will know the right time to address this . . .

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

He doesn't need to know. I am a domestic violence survivor and kids don't need to know about a parent or grandparent who will not treat them right. If the question ever comes up answer him then. Who knows you may meet a family member from your biological father's family during an outing and that person may say something like 'hi honey I'm your cousin' then maybe some explaining is necessary. But I would keep it simple.
My opinion unless you need to get a medical history or something like that he doesn't need to know.
He has loving grandparents and he is lucky to have them.

1 mom found this helpful

A "real" grandpa is someone who really loves a kid. Who wants what's best for him. Who spends time and give attention to him. Seems to me your son has a "real" grandpa. Leave it at that.

1 mom found this helpful

My mother's mom died when she was 16. My grandfather remarried a lovely lady who helped to raise my mom's 4 younger siblings. The two youngest always called her mom while my mom and my uncle (who is closer to my mom's age called her by her first name. My mother told us that she was our step grandmother when we were about 7. I didn't really know what to think other than that she wasn't my actual grandma and started to refer to her as Lila. My mother later took me aside and explained that I was hurting my grandmother's feelings.

Your son is too young. Your "Dad" is his grandpa. Don't change that relationship. He can learn when he is a little older about your biological father. Since he probably won't meet him and he will already have a strong bond with your father knowing about your "biological father" probably won't make any difference. So, just wait.

1 mom found this helpful

I have a situation similar to yours. My parents divorced when I was in 4th grade and my mom remarried about 4 years later. My stepdad has been more of a father to me than my biological dad whom I have basically no contact with. We have seen him a few times over the last few years, usually for Christmas, where he's been able to meet 2 of my 3 children. The last time we seen him I was pregnant with our 3rd who is now 2 1/2 years old. I haven't figured out how to truly explain to my children (ages 6, 4, & 2) who he is and how it works to have an extra grandpa. I'm kind of just waiting until the kids are older and more able to comprehend the situation. For the time being, I'm honest with them if they ask who he is, but they haven't asked for more information so that's where it stands.

1 mom found this helpful

I don't think you need to tell your kids anything. No good would come from it. No harm will come from them not knowing. Your dad is the one you consider your dad...end of story. I think telling them anything would just confuse them. Tell your mom that your kids know who their grandpa is and it's the same guy that is your dad. He adopted you, so he is your dad. Your biological father is out of the equation in my opinion.
Hope this helps.
S.

1 mom found this helpful

i think all familues have thier secrets. my son and two of his friends call each other cousins even though they aren't related. the story behind that one is my husband was once married to their grandmother. the kids don't know the past and dont' need to know just yet!!!! use your own sense as to what you think your kids need to know and when!!! some secrets are left best alone for a while!!!!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi C.,

Both my husband's and my parents are divorced and remarried. So my kids have 4 sets of grandparents. So for us, it is just that is my dad - your grandpa, and that is my step dad - your other grandpa. I talk openly about it to my daughter who is also almost 7. She knows a lot of kids in school that have parents that are divorced or are getting divorced. So she has lots of questions.

I guess I wouldn't bring it up like it was a big deal. I would just be prepared for what I wanted to say and wait until the time is right. If he brings up divorce or family history or who do you look like more - your mom or dad or something like that. Then just tell him about it openly. Don't lie or try to cover it up. He will remember that when he finds out later on and that could cause him to feel betrayed. Reassure him that you and your husband are still very much in love and that his daddy is here to stay.

Good Luck - it is a tricky spot to be in. But I had two step-grandparents and I didn't feel any differently about them because of it and I don't remember not knowing about it - so I must have found out pretty young.

1 mom found this helpful

We have the same scenario, except it's my dh's dad we don't see. We aren't going to tell the kids why we don't see grandpa until they're much older, and ONLY if they ask. We do know there is a chance he could just show up, or someone else in the family might say something. Once again, if this happens, we'll deal with it then.

Right now we don't even bring him up. The kids don't even really care or know to ask because we've never made it an issue. So we'll keep it that way. They do not need to know. It's better for them. But in your case only you can really decide on that as you know the seriousness of your situation.

1 mom found this helpful

My daughter was 4 when my husband and I got married, we told her that she could choose to call his family family or not. For example, my husband's grandfather - Mr. Dick or Grandpa Dick, and she always chose family. Also, I met my biological parents when I was 22, my daughter chose to call them her grandparents as well. For future generations they will just not know, there is no reason unless medical purposes, if there are no medical issues then there are no reasons. If the people that are not in the situation have nothing to do with the family and the non-family is doing a wonderful job why say anything that could disrupt the family bonds that were made? Makes no sense to me. If it comes up, don't lie and make sure that everyone involved knows that no matter what this is your family that loves you, family or not.

1 mom found this helpful

I agree with Starr. There is 'no' special time to notify your child of this situation. Many families have very complicated histories and most kids are pretty confused by the logistics of it all. At some point there will probably be an opening caused by something beyond your control. It is up to you to be honest and open when that happens. I doubt you will want your child to think that "Mom is hiding things. What else is she keeping from me?" Answer ALL his questions and concerns honestly. My adopted kids know they have half-brothers/sisters, they know the difference between a "bio" parent and a "real" parent. They will probably never meet most of these "bio" relations. It is SO confusing, but they know we will be honest with them and answer their questions. We have nothing to hide.

I found out about another family member when i was 13 and it was very upsetting to me - i felt like my life was a lie. So I think the sooner the better, but maybe talk about it in more positive terms, ie: your stepdad is still your "dad" and his "grandpa" so just explain you have a biological father somewhere and he has a biological grandfather somewhere, but that you didnt grow up with him and don't know him. He might ask questions, but you never have to say anything about about the "dad" that loves you and you all love not being the "real" grandpa.

I also have a father that was never in my life. He left when I was 2 years old and called every 6 years or so. I have 3 children the ages 13, 11, and 5. Two years ago I went to a family reunion and was told my father was going to be there. I had a talk with my kids at that time and told them the story. I also explained to them that they will call him by his name and not grandpa as he has never earned that right and I didn't want them to get hurt like I did.

The man that adopted you and your sister is more a father than your mother might realize. He raised you as his own and is your dad. There is no reason in my opinion to take that away from him by bringing up someone that is not in your life. My stepfather never adopted me, but my children call him grandpa and that is exactly what he is. No question.

I wish you all the luck with whatever decision you make. Neither decision is wrong it's a matter of choice.

I vote no on telling him. I was about that age when my brother informed my that my grandma was not my real grandma (my mom's mom died before I was born and grandpa remarried). Something that I will never forget.

Tell him/them when you feel it is right and not make a big deal about it. I would trust your own feelings as you know your child best. This wonderful man is their "real" grandfather, and just as you stated he is the only father you know. Biology is my opnion does not make a father or grandfather that is why we have the wonderful thing call adoption. When he startes to to the family tree activities in school it will come up and at that point you can tell him about your biological father. It really isn't a secret, nor should it be. You are very lucky to have a father and grandfather who loves you and his grandchildren. What does grandpa say about this? You seemed to have forgotten that his role in this is most importance.

I would say your 7-yr old already knows his "real" grandpa. Being blood related does not entitle someone to being a grandpa or being called one. I honestly think it's a non-issue. He already knows who your dad is, leave it at that.

Hi C.,
I think you need to do what you think is best for you and your child, but let me share a little of my story with you. I come from the other end of the spectrum - the step-parent/grandparent role.

My hubby came with two boys, age 2 and 4 when we married. They had little and finally no contact with their biological mom. I loved and cared for "my boys" into adulthood and now have the honor of playing the role of grandmother to the daughter of my oldest son. (the pre-fix, "step" is rarely in our family vocabulary)

Although we do not have the "secret" in our family, we do not make any issue of the fact that I am not the biological mom of my boys. They call me mom and call their biological mom by her first name if they refer to her at all. She is not part of their lives. My granddaughter, emphasis on "my", will probably never know her. That is OK.

Family relationships are about RELATIONSHIP, not biology. Your step-dad is your dad and he is your children's grandfather. If you make the issue of your biological father and step-father a big deal, if you hide it, if you keep it a secret, if you tell the secret, then it will have an impact on your children. If you just act like it is normal - because it is pretty normal with all of the divorce and second marriages in society today - then it will have little if any impact on your children.

Here is one idea - some time when your kids are around you with your dad (step-father), give him a hug and thank him for raising you, loving you, adopting you and being a grandfather to your kids. It just might make his day. If your kids have questions - just answer them in a positive way about how wonderful it was for you to have a good relationship with your step-dad, so much that you don't even use the word "step" and he has just become a wonderful dad and grandfather. There are many positives to bring out of the pain of your biological father's absence and that is what your children need to know.

Remember the REAL parent (and grandparent) is the one that loves and cares for you through the thick and thin of life.

C. J.

Take a look at your own feelings. Why are you wanting to call this information a secret? If you could get yourself to a place where it's "oh, yeah, that happened. So what?" then you could easily slip it in, maybe when you're looking at a book about families. "Did you know I used to have a different dad?" or something of that sort. Then just wait to see if he asks questions. If not, that's all he needs to know for now. This does not need to be a "Sit down, Son. I have something I need to discuss with you" kind of presentation.

I don't think it should be a secret. It's nothing horrible. He's his grandpa and nothing can change that. Life occurred and that's how things landed. Your kids will only make a big deal out of it if you do. I don't see why it's so taboo. I'd tell him now rather than later, that way he can grow up with the knowledge and it will always be a part of him. If you act weird about it then your kids will pick up on that and think it's bad that he's not his biological grandpa. They'll eventually find out and wonder what the big deal was and based on your uncomfortableness with it they'll make it a big deal and worry about it too. Kids follow our lead and react based on our reactions.For example, during one July 4th season when my daughter was two she heard a loud firecracker. She immediately looked at me petrified like she wanted to cry. I smiled and said wow that was a cool sound and she smiled and went about her business. If I had reacted the other way she would have cried and been scared. Life is too short. Enjoy your family without unnecessary stress.

Both my daughters were adopted at ages at which there was no "hiding" the fact from them (one was 4, one was 9).

My parents were divorced and both remarried before my children were born/we adopted, so they have both grandparents and step-grandparents. My oldest son was adopted by my husband when he was young, so he's technically only a half-brother to my youngest son and neither are, of course, "blood related" to their sisters.

We don't hide anything from any of the children. The use of the term "real" is what's damaging in these situations, in putting too much emphasis on blood relationships that, in my experience, are really quite irrelevant. Use the term "blood related" or "biological" but never, ever use "real" to describe a biological relation to a child when you're trying to differentiate relationships. That's what's damaging and confusing. "Real" relations are those that are involved in your life, that have an impact, that act in a manner you expect of that role in your family.

Eventually your kids are going to be asked to make a family tree in school. They always are, for some reason. You could wait until then or you could just explain it now. For some reason some children feel very betrayed to find out in their teenage years that some relative isn't biological. I don't know why, but some do. Given that it's almost always best to explain earlier rather than later. You might want to start by finding some interesting story about an animal that's adopted a different animal - dogs and kittens, cats and puppies, ducks and X...there's tons of them out there. And use that as a starting point to discuss family relationships and how sometimes a mom or dad just isn't able to be a mom or dad and that someone else is.

You don't think it's a big deal because you've lived with the knowledge all your life. Remember it's new to them no matter when they discover the situation and that it can be a lot more complicated than it seems with the perspective of experience and age. So yes, I think earlier is better simply because when it's discovered in their teenage years they equate it with lying and hiding information. That's not the case, of course, but teenagers tend to be paranoid, egocentric creatures that are certain whatever you're doing revolves around them personally.

Just my opinion, but I'd tell them sooner rather than later. My youngest is 20 months, but when he's old enough to understand - 6, 7 - then we'll explain all the crazy relationships in our family to him because he deserves to know what everyone else knows. As you say, it isn't a big deal, so why hide it?

*** I asked my oldest son about his feelings on the subject and he agreed with most of the posters - there's no reason to ever tell your son "the truth". He says it just doesn't matter, but if you were going to tell him to wait until he's older. He thinks it would be better as a teenager to find out if he was going to find out again.

The only other factor in this is medical history. A lot of disease/problems are genetic, so knowing an accurate family medical history is important. If he doesn't know the truth, he's giving an inaccurate history that may lead doctors down the wrong path in the future. ****

L.

C.,

We have a very messy family history, too, and my children don't have any contact with my father or my husband's stepfather who adopted him and most likely never will. Actually, I am surprised it hasn't come up already. My kids ask things like who was in whose tummy as a baby and when and where someone met and married someone else, etc.

We were just very direct, factual and "no big deal" about it without giving ugly details. So and so married so and so and adopted so and so. So and so got divorced and they don't live together anymore. As far as the no contact thing, that's a little trickier.

When a father just didn't want contact with anybody, we just said so. "So and so just chooses not to have contact with anyone in the family. Everyone gets to make their own choices. We may not like them, but we have to respect their wishes anyway. It has nothing to do with us, it's just his choice." With my father, it was even trickier because I had to tell him he couldn't have direct contact with my children until he had seen a professional counselor who could confidently tell me it would be safe for my children. My father responded by cutting off all contact with me, signing cards my mom sent with gifts to the children on some holidays and refusing to sign cards my mom sent to some of them on other holidays, but trying to be chummy and sending very personal gifts and letters to my husband.

Things like "Why did both Grandparents sign so and so's card, but your dad never signs your card?" came up a lot as well as "Why does Grandma visit but not Grandpa?" I just had to sit them down and be factual and not emotional and use all my self control not to demonize him. I answer questions, but never go into what he really did to me as a child. I talked to a professional counselor about how to word it and got good advice. Conversation went like this: "You know how we have rules in our house that we need to show respect to everyone and try our best to be nice? Well, my dad doesn't like those kinds of rules and so he chooses not to come to our house and chooses not to talk to me or give me gifts or sign my cards from Grandma. It has nothing to do with us or what we do or who we are. This is his choice and what he wants to do and we don't need to worry about it."

Lots of people are adopted - whether it be through death of a parent, divorce, abandonment, open adoption, whatever. All the research I have read is that the sooner you tell them, the better. Focus on how you feel about having such a great adopted dad. Don't go into details about why your parents aren't together or bad experiences you had with your biological father. Focus on what your family has, not what is missing.

Once after seeing presents and cards come to everyone in the family for Christmas but me (my mother was mad at me for who knows what reason and decided not to give me a Christmas present that year) my oldest daughter asked, "Doesn't it make you sad that your parents treat you that way? They don't even act like they love you." My response was, "It doesn't matter what they think or do. I have your dad and you and your brothers and sister and it fills me with so much love and happiness because you are in my life, I just don't worry about them."

This is a tough one. I hope it goes well, no matter how you decide to handle it.

Best wishes,
S.

First of all you are worrying about this way to much. When you talk about your childhood, tell him then but in just an informing way like you would about learning to ride a bike. There is no reason to think it would confuse him or make him feel any less towards his grandpa. Your remark about his "real" grandpa bothers me since a real grandpa is the one who is there, either in heart or in person. My husband was adopted when he was a baby and never concidered his parents anything but his real parents. He adopted my oldest child when he was 2 and never thought of him as anything but his real child and my son never thought anything thing but that his grandparents and dad are his real family members. My daughter called him her "half" brother and I asked what half was her brother.. top half, bottom half? When she told him that grandma and grandpa wasn't his grandparents because dad adopted him, I wasn't happy. I told her that if that was the case then grandma and grandpa didn't have any grandkids because dad and his sister both were adopted. That really bothered her since she has always been closer to her grandma then to anyone. I explained family is more then someones genes, it is the love shared, the being there for each other and that is what we are. She never said anything again. Now my oldest son is adopting his wife's 3 year old daughter and we are her grandma and grandpa, no questions asked.

One thing we never did was hide the fact or worry about mentioning any of the adoptions. It is part of who we are and there is nothing shameful about it. My son has no desire to have anything to do with his biological father who hasn't been in contact since he was 6 months old and hasn't seen him since he was 3 weeks old. To my son, he is a stranger, someone he never really knew. If you act like it is a family secret, it puts a shameful twist to it and will make your son think something is wrong with people who are adopted.

there is no need in telling him.

is your dad not his real grandpa just because he isn't blood? does your dad love him less because of this? is he not your dad just because he isn't blood? or love you less because of that?

NO

you were adopted by him... he is your "real dad" and his "real grandpa". the rest is all legal stuff that kids don't need to know about until they are adults and can understand it if even then.

if you tell them then they are going to ask alot of questions about your bio dad and want to know when or why they can't meet him and its not something i'm just guessing it isn't in their best interest if you have nothing to do with him! do you really want to go into even vauge details with him as to why he isn't a part of your life? I think it will open a whole new can of worms!

your kids have two wonderful grandparents that love them... they are luckier than some kids out there.. leave it at that. :)