How Do I Get My Ex to Follow-through with Important Things W/the Kids

C.,

Here's my two cents for what it's worth. When I divorced my son was 2 and now he's 12. I likened the experience to empty nest syndrome that parents go through when kids go to college, I just had to start very early in his life. I'm not sure what kind of relationship you have with your ex, but there are many things that I had to let slide because I didn't have control anymore. We all have different parenting techniques and granted the father has different ways of dealing with things. I spent so much time worrying about how my son was being raised and treated and finally I had to let go of certain things and just get along.

Things are never perfect in divorce, but I'm sure your children are smart enough and with the guidance you give them on your time they will be fine. I would try not to worry so much and give yourself a break. Let dad be the kind of father he is and know that you are doing the best job you can when they are with you. Letting go of certain aspects that we had control of is difficult but it helped me finally get my life back although it took many years.

I don't want to be long-winded, but if I realize that some things I just can't control it puts me more at ease. Getting upset is normal but take it each step at a time. I just try not to let 'him' know that I'm upset and usually things blow over.

Going with the flow is what helped me.

M.:)

I am really sorry to say but there is no way for you to get him to do anything. I know what are you are talking about same thing for me. The only suggestion that seems to work for me is not to call. If the kids want him somewhere let them call or even send an invitation in the mail to him or e-mail which ever you think that it would get to him, if he does not show then the kids will learn that there dad is not realiable. That one is really hard however sometimes can not be prevented. I have this issue with my 3 year old, I have older children however they are nto his and not an issue. He will tell the 3 year old that they are going to do something together and then just not show or call. so I had to tell him that I refuse to have the baby know how flakey his dad is and if he wanted to do something with him to tell me and when he does not show at least the baby will not be disappointed since he never new that he even said that he is coming. It seems to work for me, however sometimes there is nothing taht you can do to get these men to realize that they are hurting the kids when they are not around. Make it the best situation that you can, I am not sure who;s idea for divorce and or the situation surrounded it however sometimes us as women will hold on to the fact that we have children together and sometimes make it worse since we still love the man in our hearts and want them to be around the kids so much so they do not loose out for our guilt or what ever it may be that now the parents are nto together, don't let this get you down even though he flakes the kids, because once he sees that he is not invited or speaking with the kids he will infact come around eventually hopefully it will be as fast as with my ex.. only took 30days for him to realize that he missed his son. we are working on a friendship although we will never be back together again I believe that is very important for us to be friends and have our son know that mom and dad are friends even though theya re not together that is very important to me. Evaluate the situation and make the best of it. I ahve the most wonderful friends and one is a great help in dealing with this situation she really guided me through so much of it. I wish you all the luck and remeber, even though he is not there you are, and YOU are important too.

Since you say he gets a lot of help from his parents, and if you are on good terms with them, you can call them up and ask them to help you. Tell them your concerns in a non-confrontational way and give THEM your kid’s schedule. Then ask THEM if they would be so kind as to help remind him so the kids don't miss appointments or assignment due dates. In effect asking them to "parent" your husband and remind him about things the kids need to take care of. He’ll probably take it better coming from his parents than from you since they are already helping out.

Then take a deep breath and hope they come through for you.

C. ~ So, you really don't need help dealing with your ex. You can't make him do anything. He is grown and responsible for his own actions. My advise to you (for what its worth) is to help your kids at your home. You can help the kids get their school projects done at your home and tell the kids to hand their school projects in while they have their time with you. Getting school work turned in on time or early is a good thing. Don't have them put it off until they are with their dad because obviously, that's not working.

Also, I would suggest not scheduling important things on dad's time. I understand activities they may be involved in happen on his time, but if at all possible, make them on your time. Dad is responsible for his time and its not up to you to tell him what he needs to do with the kids on his time. His opinion of what's important is different than yours and you can't change that. Many people in a divorce want to control the happenings at both homes, but that only creates drama. Your kids are suffering through the divorce along with you. Don't add extra drama where it's not needed.

The fact that your ex has the luxury of help from his parents has nothing to do with you. Divorce is not fair or fun and there is nothing you can do about it. I know I sound harsh but that is truly not my intent. I'm trying to be helpful. When divorce happens, we as individuals must accept that we don't always have help with the kids, which by your own statement, did not happen during the marriage, so why expect it to happen after the divorce? Just know that your ex will be held responsible in the eyes of his children for his failures and he will have to live with that. They will in time see the strength you have and will appreciate it and respect you for it. Be strong and do what you can do while they are with you and don't hold yourself responsible for what does or does not happen at your ex's home.

Like I said, try to arrange things for your time with the kids and help them to get their school work done and turned in early so they do not have to suffer the consequences of their dad's irresponsibility. And whatever you do, don't speak negatively about your ex in front of or to your kids. Talk to your boyfriend or girlfriends or post it up here, you definitely need to release your feelings, but never within ear shot of the kids. Remember, they love both of their parents and don't ever want to hear negative things about either parent. They know how their dad is, but don't necessarily want to hear it out loud.

Good luck and best wishes during this difficult time. It will get better.

I hate to tell you this but nothing you do will probably make any difference. Have you tried talking to his parents? Are they willing to take them where they need to go? I know its not their responsibility but if they are with them alot it might at least get the children where they need to go. Just remember if he didnt change and do the things when you were married why would he do them now? Good luck, Ive been there I have two of my own also.
R.

Hi C.! I just wanted you to know you are NOT alone with dealing with the ex thing!! I have been divorced for almost 5 years and it seems like things get worse as time goes on. What I did (and you might try) Was got my kids cell phones.. I know that some people think they are to young but it really works! My oldest is 13 and he has a phone on my cell account so all the calls from me or to me are free and he is able to send and receive text messages to remind him to work on a school paper, or remind him of an appointment or football practice, etc. The ruel is.. if he leaves the house he has the phone in his pocket! My daughter is only 9 and I wasnt ready to try this with her yet, but at xmas she got some $$ and REALLY wanted to buy her own cell phone. So I let her get a pre paid one. She does chores to earn a 20$ card that gives her about 60 min of talk time or about 3x that in text messages. I put a few numbers (Mine, dads, grandma, brothers etc.) in her phone and she is only aloud to answer calls if the name comes up with a number. She has also figures out how to text message and sends them to me almost every day. I think it cost me about 40$ a month on average and I have not had to talk to my ex in 2 or 3 months!! It's worth every penny to me!!!! Good luck! T.

It sounds like he has some issues about being an adult. You know by now that you can't change anyone but yourself. You may want to get some sort of mediation to change the custody situation. He doesn't seem to be able to show up. It's a shame for your children. When he has his children, he works? I am sure the kids would much rather be with him. So I'm sure they are happy to be with you on your days. It sounds very frustrating, but be grateful that you don't live directly in it anymore wishing you didn't.

Good luck,

M. Dawson

Dear C.,

I feel like I am writing to myself, that is my name too.

You are right about him not changing, so that is problem number one solved.

If I were you, I would make a little 'calendar' and send it with the children. Does he have them for more than a week? Anyway, do not make it for more that the exact time that he will have them for that particular time. It is a try anyway.

I don't know if young mothers know this or not, but this, now, is the hardest time in your lives. Oh yes, later on there will be problems, but this time is the worst. That is my opinion anyway. You are learning about your 'voice and job in the world', you want the very best life for your children, and you are trying to do it, many times, by yourself. They say that every Mother needs a 'Mother'. So if your mother is not near or easily available, then chose another woman to talk with. Notice I said, talk with, you do not have to follow directions, you are the captain of your own ship. But it really helps to hear another way of handling things. I ask my sister what she thinks sometimes and she says, "You are not going to do what I tell you" and I say maybe , but I want to hear your thoughts. She truly has helped me over the years.

Also, slow down and do not be so hard on yourself, or your ex. Things do not have to be perfect. Be honest with your children and love the heck out of them.

C. N.

Hi C.

I am almost in your exact situation. Except I only have 1 child. My ex has a lot of help with his parents and I like you do not have that luxary either. It is so frustrating. I have learned to manage by keeping a good realtionship with his parents. When my daughter is with him, his parents keep me in the loop of whats going on with her. I have learned to remind his parents of her activies or special evnents. I gave up on trying to remind him. I know its hard but this is how I manage. Good luck!

Hi! My name is B.. I don't have any wonderful advice to give you to get your ex to follow thru, unfortunately! But, I too have issues with my ex not being consistent and not always making the best decisions. But, I found after getting much advice myself and just years of having to suffer through it at times, that there really is NOTHING that you can do! I have had to do the best that I can as mom to raise them with lots of love, caring & discipline. I also have a step daughter that I raise as well (who is one of my babies). Unfortunately, you cannot change someone's behavior...he has to get it! The only thing that might work...I'm not sure what kind of communication that you two have...but, I have had talks with my ex (which we have a pretty good relationship...mainly for the kids and it took a lot of work on my part) and tried to get him to understand that he is only affecting his relationship with his children. I said, "they may not understand now...but, they will. Is that the kind of father you want to be and the kind of relationship you wants to have with them?" He seemed to get it. He still hasn't changed much, but I can't change him. So, again...just be the best parent that you can be! For the kids sakes...because this wasn't their decision to be divorced...unfortunately, we have to do whatever it takes...even if it means that as moms...we have to suffer through it for a while. :0) I'm sorry if this sounds so negative...or...no hope for us...but, there really is...our kids will grow up better kids because of us! Good luck! I hope things work out for you! If you would like to talk further...you know where to find me!

Hello C.,

It seems as if I can relate to all of the divorce questions in the world. I have been through so much with my divorce and child custody ordeal.

I was in the middle for years. My children would report to me like I was the referee or something. I got to the point where I had to throw up my hands and tell everyone that they would have to deal with life's situations. Life doesn't always deal you a good hand.

I use to have to call and tell the teachers to give me two copies of everything that they handed out. He would not be responsible enough to follow through on anything. You won't believe this, but my ex did not go to a few of his sons' graduations. He will have to deal with those issues when they approach him, later in life.

You can not be the middle woman. Your ex will never take responsibility if he knows that you will be there to remind him of every important event. You will have to allow him to grow up and take interest in his children's lives. The children will be hurt at some of his actions and they will understand when all is said and done. Start excluding him from events that he doesn't need to attend. Tell his parents and let them relay the message. Ask the grandparents to help you as well. What difference does it make if they are with you or him? Use e-mails and leave it alone. You can document your actions that way, if it comes down to the fact that he says that he did not know about the event. Also, tell your ex that you need a clothing fund. Start a savings account for the extra things the children needs, with the child support money.

My children now just take things in stride and they are resilient to the disappointments they have encountered. They just say that they know how their dad is and leave it at that. I still feel that they come to me for everything that they need. I just tell them that they have to start asking their father. I am spread too thin and I can not supply them with everything on a silver platter like I tried to do out of guilt and out of wanting them to have what I did not have as a child. They eventually got the concept of working for what they wanted. I supply what they need.

You don't want to see them hurt. We need to allow them to experience all aspects of life. They will grow from these difficult time and know how to handle the feelings if they arise again.

You can never stop being supportive of their desires(unless they are detrimental to their well being). You should just do your part on whatever you can control. Your children will never say that you were not there for them. That will reflect on their father.

They will get to the point where they are not going to want anything but the car keys.

Be patient and breathe deep. Sometimes I would appologize to my boys for having a father like they have. They are not to blame for our dicisions.

Peace to you and yours,
D.

I think that a lot of people have given you some good advice from the divorced mother side. However, I am a child of a divorced family.

From my own experience, I learned that there is nothing one can do to get a man to be a real parent. He has his priorities in line already... work! I don't know where his kids fit into his priority list. If your kids were on the top of the priority list, he would be responsible and take the initiative to do what needs to be done.

My only real advice that I can give is that you can't force him to do anything. Don't yell at him about forgeting things. It only makes you look like the bad person or the nag.

Do what you need to do to take care of your kids. Let your ex have enough rope to hang himself with. His children will learn that he is not dependable and when they need things, they will come to you and your boyfriend.

My "father" was not very responsible. I did not see him on a regular basis because he would forget when his visitation was. He never showed up for school functions, sporting events and things that were important to me. The people that were always there were my mother and my step-father (I call him daddy).

To this day (some 30 years later), I still don't have much of a relationship with my father. I had my step-father legally adopt me when I was an adult. He is the father that I've always wanted. He never missed a day in my life. He was at every important day that I ever had. He will be the one walking my down the aisle this fall and doing the daddy daughter dance at my wedding.

Things will work out for the best. Don't force anything. Try to make your children happy. They will appreciate you more in the long run.

How would you feel about buying a calendar and filling it out for him as far as you can and giving it to him, then when you send your kids to his house put a note in the bag reminding him of new events or meetings so he can post it on the calandar. If he just doesn't care there is almost nothing you can do. You can't control his actions and if the kids have to suffer it is sad but all you can do is be supportive and the kids will one day see how it was and who caused them to miss out.

You don't. Remember you can't raise a man. As much as it might hurt the kids; it has to happen. He has to take responsibility. I used to do the same thing. It's almost as if you prolong your contact with him. Remember your divorsed now. So now he's not your job anymore. just your kids. It's gonna hurt; I'm not going to lie. But remember you & your kids.

You cannot force anything on him or make him do anything, that you have to accept. If he was like this through the marriage than this is him, something you accepted in the marriage and have to accept now also. I would send letters of reminders, and keep a copy for yourself each time and put them in a file, keep a log book of when you talk to him and ehat about, they are useful later I promise. Your children are not that little anymore, they see more than you think, if they see you forcing their father into being a parent they will find this normal later, their father will develope the relationship he wants to with his kids when he wants to, all you can do is be there for yor kids and do all you can do and what ever the case never put down or alienate the other parent no matter how hard it is, because it will only make you look bad, your children will come to their own cnclusion and form their own oppionions about their father and the relationship they have on their ow, in their own time, Hang in there, the only person you can change or control is you. Be the best mom you can be everything else will fall into place.

Ask his parents for help if you are on good speaking terms with them, maybe they can remind your ex about important matters, and with them on your side he might clean up his act. You can't change him, or you would still be married.Remind the kids,they are old enough to remind "forgetful" dad. If dad makes a mistake atleast your kids know that you and they tried.Good luck.

Hi C.! I know what your going through. Ive been separated from my husband for 6 years now because he's blocked a divorce however he does'nt always come through for me concerning our 2 children which leaves me a little frustrated at times because i have full responsibility for them. He will from time to time help in small ways but the burden of doing what we need for our children is with me. The way i have gotten through this is with the help of my friends, who mind you are single mothers or single women themselves and the help of my church and the church members. You need the support of others around you whom you trust if you cant depend on your ex-husband. After all that's why he's an ex. My church pastors and friends and certain loving, trusting individuals have helped me when i left my home with nothing but our things and my car to sleep in, they made sure that i never had a day without a roof over my head, clothes on our backs, food to eat, and even when my finances looked impossible God always through something happening or someone else he always made sure to meet my needs. I also did what i had to by looking for help through different agencies or non-profits that offered assistance or services that could benefit me and the kids, there was no room for pride. I was able to keep it together with financial assistance which also provided free health care for all of us, car insurance, food benefits, child care and rent subsidies and child programs like summer fun which they waived or reduced the fees and after school programs too. I also had the help of some awesome people from church who helped with transportation and fixed my car when it broke down. They also blessed me at times with monetary gifts for me and my children even though i never said a word. Your ex probably wont change so you need to surround yourself with resources around you. Im sure that if you ask you shall find. Sometimes strangers can be angels in disguise. I applaud you for the determination and the courage you have shown thus far to keep the communication and the needs of your children a priority. You also need nurturing and a simple hand up. Write if you need help and i'll try my best. Take care and God Bless you. C. G.

take his flaky but back to court and put all the things in your change of orders and if the judge agrees to it then he has to do his part and follow it,,

my thoughts anways.............

When my ex got flaky and he calls didn't work I would right a schdual on the computer and give it to him when I saw him next that way he could say "oh I forgot" cause if he did then I woulds say wheres the schdual that I wrote, if he said he lost it I would print another. It's unfortunite that some men are not responsible for their actions and thats why there are women to make up for their lack of responsibilty. lol