Seeking Advice from Moms Who Have Been Through a Divorce

J.,

First and foremost, keep in mind that kids are extremely resilient. Also keep in mind that (unfortunately) divorce is much more common/accepted than it was when we were kids. Chances are good that they know plenty of other kids that are in similar situations.

Aside from that, I'll share some good advice that I received when I went through my own divorce:
1. Keep your kids sheltered from the details of the divorce.
2. Don't trash their dad in front of them.
3. Keep their routines as steady as possible.
4. Make sure you and your husband reassure them that you both love them, and the divorce is not their fault.
5. Start new, fun traditions for birthdays and holidays so they don't get sad about the way things used to be.
6. Stay positive. Laugh. Dance. Joke around. Kids are very intuitive, and they'll pickup your vibe.
7. If you choose to date, don't introduce anyone to your kids until you know for sure it's a long term thing.
8. Shower them with lots and lots of hugs and kisses!!!

I wish you lots of strength and patience as you go through this. Being a single mom isn't easy, but it's better than being in an unhappy marriage.

Not divorced but my parents divorced and mom has divorced a few times since. NEVER talk bad about dad, if at all possible be "friends" with him it will help. Sit near each other at school functions games etc, try to be friendly when and if new relationships evolve. It will help them except her if you are nice to her and talk nice about her and vice versa. My dad always had us on Christmas Eve and took us home Christmas morning and sat with us while we opened our gifts new spouses were included when they came into the family. Be consistent at both homes that way the kids won't play you two against each other (I always liked dad's better because he let me talk on the phone as long as I wanted etc). Introduce new people slowly and remember YOU are the parent not your new significant other (another grudge, mom let her new bf change rules on us that she previously had). Never let them see you fight and try to never let them see you sad and upset. Try and save date nights and other nights out for the weekends the kids are at the other parents. Good Luck!

I'm an "only" parent to 3 teenagers. This was a sudden and life altering event for all of us. My children are allowed no contact (court ordered) with their father. I have allowed them to vent their anger at the situation and their father although I have never "trash talked" him to my kids. The best advice I can give you is to do everything possible to avoid the arguements and fights that often occur during divorce and NEVER EVER put the children in the middle. Also, NEVER fish for information from the kids. If you want to know what the ex is up to call him. If the ex does something to upset you don't keep the kids from him. You will need time to yourself as much as you need time with the kids and he will also need time with them as much as they need time with him. I love my kids with all my heart but I also have them 24/7 which makes things very difficult. Luckily I have my family to help me. You should do things when the kids are with their dad...don't just sit home...you will only get depressed if you do. Join groups, get a hobby, go shopping, or even go to church. Just find things you can do with and without your kids. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with your situation. Just remember you are truely blessed to have your children and do everything you can to make them happy. However, you can't make them happy if you don't first make yourself happy!

I have some advice that I can share both as a child of divorce and the parent of a child of divorce. My parents divorced when I was 6. It was a bitter, ugly situation that seemed like it never ended. Both parents badmouthed each other. It was walking on eggshells if they ever happened to be in the same building. Sharing 3 daughters, they didn't speak for more than 15 yrs. My mother divorced again when I was 23 from a man I considered to be my 2nd father. The same ugly, bitter battles ensued now to include my younger brother and sister. My husband and I divorced a year later. Same pattern repeating?! I have taken quite the opposite approach with my ex. Don't get me wrong. We still argue occasionally. After all, we didn't get divorced for no reason!LOL! We talk several times a week. While almost all conversations do revolve around my son, they do include friendly chat as well. My ex-inlaws used to be unbearable to me, but we have made ammends as well. When the fighting went on between me and my ex, I realized how badly it affected my son. He was easily able to manipulate us against each other to get what he wanted. Grandma also felt as though she had to show extra attention to him to make up for it. We have all forgiven each other, and continue in a "united" front to raise my son as well as the other children throughout our families. My ex and I are somewhat friends again. I occasionally go to church with my ex-inlaws. We tell each other "I love you," give hugs, support each other, just the same as if we were still related. As the child now, our family gatherings include my bio-father(who now lives with us), my ex-step father and his new wife(who I am still extremely close to), and my mom and her current husband. Yes, all in the same house at the same time. It has set such a wonderful example of togetherness and love for all of our kids. I am one of 6 with 8 grandkids between us. I wish that my own parents had this "example" set for them when we were growing up. It would have made for much happier times. With the divorce being fresh, I'm sure it seems like an impossible task now, but your kids will adjust so much better and you'll be happier too!

Do you have any friends who's parents divorced when they were your kids' age? It might be good to have a talk with them and see if they would be willing to help advise you. My boyfriend, for an example, was 9 when his parents divorced, the same age that my son was when I got a divorce, and he's been invaluable when it comes to advice on how to handle specific situation.

My divorce, was final, January 30, 2008. So, for the past year, I have been living what you are about to go through! I am mom to 4 kids, 2 girls, 12 and 10 and 2 boys, 9 and 7. They definately are resilient and have done very well through this process. I think that once that anger and fighting was out of the house, they actually became better kids!!! Not that they were bad before, but they were much calmer and less anxious. So, for us, it was a very good thing. At first, their father didn't spend much time with them, he was hurt and angry at me. But, I did shelter them from our conversations, and would talk to him when they weren't around and that seemed to help. He started to understand that I wanted to be with the kids, so him not taking them, didn't hurt me at all, it hurt them. Now, he has a great relationship with them and he and I are friendly, on the little occasions that we do have to see each other. I did meet someone early on in the process of my divorce and I am very fortunate that he is a wonderful man, that my kids love! I didn't introduce them to him, until we had known each other for about 3 1/2 months. I spent my weekends with him, when the kids were at their dads or, had lunch with him on work days. I would just suggest, that you keep them in the things they love, ask dad to help out whenever you can (running 4 kids, becomes a challenge!!!) and include him in everything. Let him know when there are practices and games and recitals, etc... If he shows up great, if not, at least you know he was given the opportunity. I wish you the best and will say a prayer for you and your kids and the "new" life that you are about to start!!!

I put my son in Divorce Care for Kids - search local churches in your area and see if any offer this service -they also offer this for adults as well and you do not have to be of that religion to belong - it helps them to know they are not the only ones that have gone/are going through this and they are not alone -as well as it helps for the feedback from the DCK counselors to see just where your kids are

Get out and do things with friends. Meet new friends whatever, just don't stay in the house. Do include your kids. Make a weekly event special to them whether it is weekly movie night at home with all the fixings, ie: popcorn, pop, junk food. Or if you are of a healthier eating mind frame, low butter pop corn, juice, cut veggies. lol Just do something as a family, just you and the kids. Have them pick the event or if money is tight, give them a choice of more economical events. Where the kids are concerned they will at least feel they have Mommy time. Especially if you are feeling depressed about the situation. They look forward to your time together as they do their visits with their Dad. Then there is the whole, how come Daddy doesn't come get me times when he's suppose to have them. I truly hope that never happens to your children, it is heartbreaking. I can go on for hours with advice, but without specifics to address I'd have to just say make sure whatever you do include the kids. They will already feel a sense of abandonment since one parent has left the house, it will make them feel much better if you include them in a new tradition or an old one that continues at least once a week.

J.,

i am a mother of 5. first 4 with 1st marriage. my #5, who just turned 9 is with the second, whom i am also divorced from. i have two completely different experiences with each. from my experiences PLEASE remain as civil as possible..as though still friends. my 9 yr old little girl has experienced me and her dad dealing with things this way, and i think she came through things as well as any one could possibly ask one to. my 4 boys had the exact opposite to deal with. their dad talked me down continuously to them, put them in the middle, questioned them about me, etc, etc, etc. they will probably have emotional scars for life. none of it is easy for anyone. and at times it can be quite easy to put the kids in tyhe middle by asking then even the simplest of things about their dad(or mom). but it does so much damage. and to see the parents stay as freindsly as possible, to me teaches the kids to live without resenting, lashing out, etc. after what my boys had gone thru, me and tim both knew we had to make sure our little girl never had to deal with any of that. it was a sad situation, but we did our best to make what good we could. and no it wasn't easy, especially on my part. because though (supposedly) there wasn't any 'physical' relationship, there was another person in my then-husband's life....my guess, the fianl reason for him wanting a divorce. but somehow i have managed to get along fine with her, and have never made any negative remarks. heck, all my 9 yr old knows is what she needs to know. she doesn't know the "why" to the situation(divorce). i want her to be able to grow up and accept situations openly. there is WAY too much negative in this world. i know alot may not agree with me, and yes it has been very hard, but so far well worth it. good luck, and take care of you and those precious little ones. (oh, we also try to be VERY when it comes to visitation. never seemed fair to the boys when they missed out on things, just because it was the 'other' parents weekend or whatever. so alyssa has never missed out on anything, if there was a way we could work it out.)

hugs,

C.

The #1 most important thing to remember through this is the kids. No matter how hard this gets, how mad at him you get, whatever it is DO NOT trash talk or fight with him in front of the kids. They do not need to know any details. Yes, kids are resilient however, when you say and do too much in front of kids, it will affect them in some way. It is always about the kids. When you are determining whose turn it is to have them, holidays, weekends, etc. Remember no matter what you do will affect them, you will have to keep reminding yourself and then remind yourself more this is about the kids and not you and the father being mad or disagreeing about whatever. Goodluck