A.H. asks from Lakewood, OH on November 18, 2007
hello ladies, im not sure what else i can do! my soon to be husban and i have been having big problems. i want to know if im in the wrong or not. he has been working at a liqour store for the past 13 yrs and only makes $9 and some change. for the past 2 yrs i've begged him to get a new job. we have one daughter and one on the way. i was working at a pizza place only makiing $5 an hour, meant to pay for our wedding. when i got pregnant i wasnt able to work there anymore because the smell was making me sick. so then my soon to be took my place at the pizza place, now working the two jobs. i guess i was a little better with the fact that we didnt see each other as much as i would like because i was working, getting out of the house, doing my thing. now that im in the house all day i want every moment i can to be spent with him. any chance he gets he wants to go out. i get a little upset but then i get over it. but then he doesnt come home because he got drunk or he's at his cousins house, which is a little far from our house. all we do is fight! now he's always saying how maybe he should just leave me, then i ask is that what he really wants and he says no. i dont know!! why would he say it if he didnt want to leave me? he says i pick about the small things. the other day i was gonna go get dipears for my daughter but i really didnt feel like leaving and getting her in and out of the car so i asked him if he could stop and pick them up. well i guess he was upset because i had all day to do it. i feel like im getting crazy, but at the same time i feel like he is making me feel that way. i just dont know if this i worth it. yes he is the father of my children, yes i love him, yes i want to marry him, but does he?? really, does he? how do i know? am i pushing him away? do i need to just shut up and clean? am i being as uptight, crazy? should i go?
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T.M. answers from Louisville on November 20, 2007
Hey A., I am 23 I have 3 children ages 1,2,&3 two boys and one girl. I was married at age 19. Age does is not the problem for me. We have had simaliar issues over the past few years. Your hubby to be is just stressed because he is trying to take the financial load on himself. My Husband went from working two full time jobs to just one really good paying job. Be an encouragement to him as much as you can. I know staying home can be tough too. I stay home full-time with my children and sometimes I feel tired and wore out at the end of the day too and don't want to go to the store. But what I do is I wait for my husband to call me on his way home and if he asks me if I need anything I will tell him. If he is too tired and does not ask I will ask him if he minds if I run to the store when he gets home. Try to keep the communication open. Talk to him about his day and as hard as it is not to complain about what the kids did today. Try to keep the time he is home possitive and enjoyable for him.
Here is another thing we do when we get stressed and start to fight. Alone time. Find a babysitter for the day he has off. Plan your day. Go to a movie or something just the two of you. Do this at least one time a month. every couple needs that date time together.
Here is another idea maybe dad's day out let him have a little space from time to time. I know that is not easy when you are waiting to spend just a minute with him. But he needs it. Most important YOU take care of you. Find some one to watch the kids one time a month and go shopping or out to lunch with a friend. Being a MOM is stressful at times and we all need time to be a woman.
Make Him cards and cookies. Write him love letters that make him want to hurry home from work. These are all the things we do that make our lives enjoyable together. Don't give up on a marrage that has not even had the chance to live. Good luck to you and your family. If you need someone just to talk I am here. I hope this has helped.
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A.W. answers from Lexington on November 19, 2007
Hi A....I am sorry things are so all over the place for you. Let me be honest, I think 21 is too young to be getting married and too young to be parents. But, you have one precious little girl and one on the way. They are the most important thing.
The reason I say this is because I married at 20. He picked at everything and always wanted to go out...H always made me feel so bad about myself. Thank God every time we got pregnant, I lost the baby. God was truly looking out for me. I was married for 7 years and that was the biggest mistake of my life.
How healthy is it for your child to see him speak to you like that? Love doesn't act like that. It sounds as though you are both still kids. I mean, it has only been, what, three years since highschool? Maturity takes time.
I also don't think you should marry just because you have a child with someone.
If this is truly meant to be, then it will be.
What about colleg? Are you all going to get an education? Do you really think minimum wage jobs are going to cut it? What about the future? What happens when your daughter wants to play a sport or take ballet? What about chilcare? Insurance? Vehicle maintenance? What about buying a home?
These are all a part of your responsibility to your children and to yourself.
I understand his need to go out. He works all the time. I think a compromise needs to be created. Time out with friends and time with family. I would say a 5:1 ratio. Five nights with family, one with friends. After all, family is the most important thing in the world.
Also, he should not be going out and getting drunk because at any given moment something could happen where you, a pregnant mother, might need his immediate assistance.
About the nagging, both of you need to be taught how married couples should communicate. I learned the hard way...seven years of hell. I am now married to the most wonderful man. He is 36 and I am 32. We NEVER fight. We talk about everything. He chooses me and our 4 month old son Reese over his buddies. In fact, I have to tell him to go out. We are his love and life.
But this relationship came from maturity. We both learned and now we are both happy.
If you truly want to see this through then get some help. Go see a minister or a family counselor. Go to school! Educate yourselves! If you are going to be poor...be poor while in school.
I really don't want you to make my mistakes. I messed up and didn't complete my degree until I was 29. I am now finishing my master's degree. (Trust me the pay is sooooo much better with a degree!)
Hope this helps. If you need an ear...email me.
Good Luck...and God Bless!
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J.R. answers from Cleveland on November 19, 2007
I just want to say "ditto" to everything Amanda said. Marriage is not going to fix the problems you're having. In fact, it will likely make them worse.
Understand that his problems are HIS; not yours. You are not pushing him away. If he says so, it's just an excuse. Your children deserve a confident, emotionally healthy mom, so please don't go into a marriage with a man (boy) that is dragging you down.
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M.F. answers from Detroit on November 21, 2007
This is totally normal. It's like the first few years of marriage only you aren't married yet. It happens to most people. You are living together and he's working while you aren't. He's not understanding what it is that you do all day and how you are feeling (being pregnant and taking care of a little on). I went throught the exact same thing with my husband. We have now been married for five years and things are better. You just have to work out the kinks. You need to tell him exactly how you are feeling. Be careful however that you aren't attacking him. You need to TALK not whine or yell or say things like "you always do this or that." Just let him know that you feel like there are things you need to talk about and let him know that you would like to change for him too.
If you are getting married you will both need to make changes and compromises. That's what marriage is. It's hard work. If you want it to work you have to be willing to put in the effort. You will also both need to grow up fast. I got married at 20 and he was 22. We were stupid and young and immature and a bit selfish. But we grew up and pulled our heads out of our behinds and have found a nice balance.
Being a stay at home mom is hard and exhausting. That's one of the biggest things we argued about. I would ask him to pick something up and he would get all huffy puffy.
Then one day it clicked. I realized that he's working 40+ hours a week and is on a screwey sleep schedule and that I chose to stay home with the kids. We are both stresseing about monay but he's probably stressing more...it's a guy thing. It's not that hard to do the dishes and the laundry all you need to to is find your "mojo" as I like to call it. You just need to figure out how to manage your time. Clean while your children are asleep. Or set your alarm and get up before they do so you can get a jump on the day. (that was short lived for me). Once a week I do the major cleaning...toilets, floors etc. In between I keep the place tidy...toys, dishes, grocery etc. I pick one day to do all the laundry and sometimes I will do some on an off day if I'm up to it. I will also try to save grocery day for when he's home so he can watch the girls. When it was just our first daughter I took her with me because it was easy. Now with two I try to wait for him to watch them.
You are entitled to feel left out and lonely. You are stuck in a house all day with no adult conversation. You are going to get a little crazy but he needs to understand that you are starved for attention! If you really love each other then you should be willing to make the changes neccessary to keep one another happy. Especially when there are children involved.
My brother and his soon to be ex-wife had a similar situation and got married anyway...They weren't married even two years. They never should have gotten married. They just didn't work. Now that they are apart...everyone including their daughter is much happier for it.
I strongly suggest you have a huge heart to heart. Maybe you will both grow up and change for each other and maybe you'll realize you just aren't meant to be.
Hope all goes well!
A.N. answers from Steubenville on November 22, 2007
I had similar problems too. It's not you. He is probably just nervous about having another baby this soon and getting married and so on. But there is hope. My husband owns his own business, we have 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 5 years, 3 years, and 2 years. The last two 11 months apart. Have you tried talking to him about all of this? If he is being a jerk then just give him the silent treatment any guy hates a silent woman. I know what you are going through. Just try and relax, get yourself wrapped up in your kids and he will come around. Some guys like my husband for instance hates to be asked what's wrong. Just let him go and he will come around I promise. There is hope and you don't need to stress while you are pregnant and caring for another baby. Remember babies sense when you are worried or stressing. When he makes you mad just take your little on in the bathroom with you and run a nice hot bath and just soak in the tub. Of course bring something in with you to entertain her. Hope everything works out. I will be thinking about you. And if you need anything in the meantime, just someone to listen, know that I will be here. Just an e-mail away :)
S.R. answers from Toledo on November 21, 2007
Wow! I must say that you and your soon to be need some pre-marriage counseling. It seems to me that there are some HUGE underlying issues. You mentioned that he works at a store for $9/hr for the past 13 years; seems to me that you have a problem with that since you mentioned it; maybe you feel he lacks ambition?? Also, working for $9/hr will NOT support a family (especially a family of 4) unless he is working 70 hours a week, which would then in turn destroy your marriage. You said "do i need to just shut up and clean?" ABSOLUTLY NOT; you are a person with thought and feeling weather you bring money into the house or stay at home you are still a contributing member of the Family and of Society. And (as a SAHM of 4) the house will NEVER be 'cleaned to perfection' no matter how hard you work or how many hours you clean with little ones running around. If you WANT to be a SAHM that is something you two must discuss, but remember, (when you are talking about anything you want) your wnats and desires and needs are EQUALLY as important as his; no matter what the conversation is about. You are EQUALS in the eye of the law and of God. And I strongly recomend some counseling for the two of you; being pregnant is hard enough without other issues adding to it. Congrats on the new baby!
J.W. answers from Columbus on November 20, 2007
Take it from someone a little older with the exact same experience--run-run for the hills!! No really, relationships get bad for a lot of reasons. Some couple fight over money, some over time, some over housework, etc. The fact in the matter is if you fight that much then you need to get away from each other, and I mean really away. When my boyfriend stopped coming home, I left the city for two months pregnant with my second child. I didn't call or anything for 6 weeks. We began to talk (really talk) and work things out and 3 weeks later he came and got me. It hasn't been the easiest time, especialy when you're pregnant and at home all day with a baby (it's not exactly the most stimulating conversation) but it is important to make yourself do things to pass the time and not think about him. I learned how to crochet and would often take my young son to the library when I was pregnant with my daughter. Fill the void, especially if you are able to leave. Give both of you some time to figure out if you are really ready for this because marriage is huge. Me and my boyfriend have been figuring each other out for five years. It took two years before anything bad happened. If you can get past the first bad time, then you are okay. If you can get past the second bad time, then you are meant to stick it out. Remember that your requests are valid as well, asking him to get another job isn't the worst request that I have ever heard, just take into consideration that it will take a while because he has been there for a long time. If both of you improve and you are still miserable--then leave. I know with two kids it can seem like impossible, however, your mental sanity is the best gift for your kids right now. Happiness can be found by yourself.
L.S. answers from Dayton on November 21, 2007
Wow! The whole situation has got to be super stressfull for you. I am not an expert, but I would suggest working these things out before you get married. Marriage doesn't fix things. I can certainly identify with being home all day, then wanting to spend it with your partner! It's also important that he knows how you feel. Is there any chance you two could get some sort of counceling?