My Marriage Is in Trouble...

Getting married later in life is challenging for everyone involved, especially when there is a dramatic change such as suddenly relying on someone else financially. When I married my husband I stopped working so I could travel with him to where he worked (he is a consultant and travels to where the work is...)and the pressure on him financially was huge. Of course it was also a huge adjustment for me to be reliant on him. I found he was the one who handled it badly.(he'd say so too!) I think sometimes men just aren't equipped to handle such stress gracefully. It took a long time and many arguments until we worked out a system that worked for us. What we did was every two weeks we set up an automatic deposit into a separate account for me. That was my money to spend as I wished. As we had children, the amount increased so I could also buy for the kids (clothes, toys) without feeling monitored. The amount also varied based on his income and such. Groceries and other living expenses came out of our regular account. It really worked for us because I didn't feel like he was hawking over my every purchase and he always knew the state of our finances. I always sort of considered it like getting paid for my job as a mother(although I am sure I deserve more!!). Perhaps if you talk to your hubby about managing the money he makes as a team and set up a budget of some sort it will take off some of the pressure for him and make you feel more involved. I know that as soon as my husband realized that I wasn't the enemy and was on his team, he really started to relax. You should never be made to feel guilty for taking care of your self, especially when you have such an important job of raising a little boy. Try to keep him in mind before throwing in the towel. You could even try meeting with a counselor and/or a financial adviser who could help put things in perspective. I wish you the best of luck!

A.

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Hi Kay- I hope I can say something helpful.

Quitting work is definitely a sacrifice. Even on the tightest budget, there should be a small amount of "slush money" for each of you, and obviously he should be just as accountable as you for your family budget. If your budget is detailed, and you are both keeping within it, then there shouldn't be complaining on either side. I would be glad to send you a MS Excel budget that is really detailed that you could change according to your own needs if that would be helpful.

Also, this website gives helpful advice on family finances as this is an area where most people need to be careful, and also an area of friction for many couples. It is part of the Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints website wwww.providentliving.org . The helpful advice applies to all people, not just members of the church of JC of LDS: http://www.providentliving.org/channel/0,11677,1709-1,00....

When my first son was born, I had quit working. We went from a year where we had made around $85,000 together without children to a $30,000 income with just my husband working and starting a new carreer. We already did budgets. I worked up a new budget that I thought was as trim as it could be, and I realized it still had to be trimmed a lot. In fact, for 6-8 months we lived on a grocery budget of $160 per month that included diapers and other baby stuff. Obviously $15 is inexpensive for a haircut and manicure. But it also depends what your income is. If you don't make enough money, a $15 manicure will not be worth it in the future if it is causing you to go into debt.

As for the sex, I think it is an important part of a good relationship, not something you should have to dream about, but something that is a fulfilling part of married life. I guess for a lot of us, that also means a "budget" of time that includes time together. We all sometimes spend time watching TV or other relaxing activities at the end of a day, when time together would be a better way to spend it.

Marriage and children are SO challenging sometimes and require constant work and nurturing. As hard as it is, the alternatives are less satisfying. I believe if you talk and work together, and pray, you will be able to come up with the right solutions for your personal challenges. Issues change as time goes by and things really do get better (as a sahm with 3 kids 5 and under, I tell myself that every day : ) ...) You will be amazed what you learn from these challenging experiences you are having. Hang in there and God bless you. T.

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I think it would be a great idea for you to get out and work part time! Your son might enjoy going to a preschool or daycare one or two days a week (although I am right there with you about not wanting to pay for it :-) but the change in structure and meeting new friends might be fun for him. Good luck and you deserve a manicure and haircut!!! :-)

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Gosh, I dont know what to say, your story touched me, that's why I'm replying.
I'm almost 36, I have an almost 13 year old (next week) son. I raised him on my own for 10 1/2 years. Met my boyfriend when my son was 5, we started dating when my son was 7, moved in with my b-friend when he was 10 1/2 and things are pretty good. But I too have feelings of being glad I'm not married yet, that I've waited. I'm glad I got to know my self and became completely self sufficent. Its also hard for me to feel like I'm depending on someone. Even though its so nice to have the the help, its scarry to think how far I'd fall if someting happened to him. So I started college just to continue my claim for independance, I want to make more money and maybe even buy a condo. Just to rent out, then if something does happen, I'm not unprepared.
I just feel like I can understand your feelings of going from completely independant to dependant on someone, and having to ASK, or get permission? That would be so hard. I keep my own bank accounts, I have my own money, I only give him a set amount every month, and we stay out of each others financial business. I Dont think I'll be the kind of women who turns over her pay check to someone. I think age does that to us.

I have a bunch of work to do in my relationship too, we are ... or I am having a hard time with some of the realities in our relationship. Sometimes I think I'm still changing so much, I might change away from him, I dont know.
I think the only thing I thought of when I read your post as far as advice is I remember a time when I was financially in debit. Holidays and birthdays crept up on me and I was never prepared, I was always asking "Why does this keep happening to me, why do I never have any money for Christmas?" Silly as it sounds, I realized one day that its not because I have bad luck and was going to be SOL for the rest of my life, I realized that its because I had'nt learned how to manage money yet. But there are books and seminars to help me learn how to be smart with money.
With in a year, I had all my credit cards paid off, money in my checking and 4 separate savings accounts with money automatically transfering to them (one as little as 7 dollars a week, thats like eating out once a week but it going to savings instead) and now I have an awesome 401K with about 23% going into it every month. And a comfey savings for a rainy day. Pluss all my other accounts for Chirstmas, Birthdays, Car expenses.

Ok, that was probably TMI but my point is, Sometimes I feel like we are here to learn how to be our best self. To learn how to rise to the occasion, not just screach by, but actually learn about the situation, and how to be our best in regards to it.

Sometimes trouble can be an indication that you just havent learned that part of life yet. I dont think it means that your forever doomed (like I used to think I was) I see my son give up because he's not good at something the first time he try's it. He doesnt realize that he has to learn all aspects of it first, practice it, and in time, he'll get good at it.

So how does this help you? It probably doesnt. I'm just relating and sharing stories. Women like you are my hero. And I believe your doing the right thing acknowledging what's going on so you can find a solution to the problem. And reaching out getting advice. I know that I really like reading relationship books, I've never had a relatioship last longer than 7 months (that was one time), so when my DB came along, I had read so many (and actually started putting my information into practice) and we've been together for almost 6 years now. We're both happy and peaceful, we have our issues, but really, we're good. I just keep my own agenda, and stay out of his hulahoop, and he stays out of mine.
Maybe thats part of the challange when you wait to get married, sometimes I think I could have merged easier when I was younger but I'm too set in my ways now. Luckly, he is too so as much as we love each other, we kind of butt out of each other's business and just support eachother instead. I dont know..
Good luck to you, I hope you find what works for you to make your marriage work. Everyone has a different way.

BTW, paying for day care isn't so bad, for me, it was anoter sence of independance and controll over my life. And if you have a job that offers a FLEX Plan, you dont pay tax's on Day Care, And you get the tax break at the end of the year. Doubble Bonus! (Yes, I've learned alot about saving money).

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Your husband will lose his day off?? When is your day off? If money is an issue than go back to work around his schedule. As for your sex life it takes two in the bedroom. I can't stress COMMUNICATION in and out of the bedroom. Does he know what turns you on? Do you know what turns him on? One of the biggest reasons couples divorce is because of money issues. (my brother is a divorce lawyer) If you love each other and want to be together (not just because of your child) you'll have to work at it every day. Try and make time to go on a date at least once a month.

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read Fasinating womanhood. It will fix all your problems it is amazing.

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Money troubles are the pits. It sounds like we have similar financial situations--I have been a stay at home mom for a while now too. I never had the salary that you did, but I did have a little money that I contributed to the family income. I used to babysit, but the family I worked for just sent the last kid off to kindergarten, and I haven't found any new kids to watch. We, too, just moved into a new home, and the house payment is higher than our last one was, so my extra income would be helpful. I had the same discussion with my husband about working, because I think it is necessary now. I would have to work evenings or weekends (unless I found more kids to watch during the week). He basically said what your husband said--that he doesn't want to not have a weekend. He said he would rather be poor. So far this hasn't brought stress to our relationship, but he doesn't give me a hard time about where the money goes...I don't think 30$ for nails and hair is expensive at all! Does he have things he spends on, like beer or snack food or other "vices"? If so, remind him of that. You can have some "fun money" too.
I have some perhaps funny-sounding advice for relightning the sexual spark...to spice things up, my husband and I send each other sexy text messages during the day.(You could also do this with email). It makes things pretty exciting when he gets home--sometimes we can't keep our hands off each other!
Maybe counseling would be helpful if neither one of you can see the other's point of view on the money thing. Good luck. I wish I could help more~

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Welcome to the club, Kay. You are not alone. And it's not just YOUR husband who is being difficult. No matter how wonderful your husband is, men just don't understand what it takes to be a stay-at-home-mom. When we were a double income home without kids, everything was peachy keen. What was there to fight about?!?! Kids and lack of money definitely are a cause of stress. Here's my two cents. (1) Don't get a divorce. Children need a mom and dad. As long as the dad isn't abusive or an addict or something like that. (2) You've got to take care of YOU. Get an outlet. Everyone has a different outlet. Here are some of mine. (a)I take a bath every night and read a book. (b)I belong to a moms group. We have moms night out. It's a great place to vent, seek advice, drink wine, and eat chocolate. (c) Exercise. Yoga, Walk, etc.(d) Set aside time for just you and your husband. If you can't afford a babysitter, do trades with other moms. Go on a date. Do a getaway weekend. (d) Give your husband some responsibilities with taking care of the child(ren) and house chores. It will be good for ALL of you. (e) Do something that will feed your mind (because staying home is mind numbing). Whether that's a part-time job or volunteer work. Whatever. You need something. (3) Marriage counseling. Most people wait until it's too late. Seek the counseling to be proactive. It's an investment in your family's future. (4) Get a grip on your finances. Oprah website has great financial advice. Figure out what you can do without. For example, when I want to shop --- I shop thrift stores and garage sales --- instead of malls. It's like treasure hunting. (5) Sex. Just do it. Don't wait until you're in the mood -- because that just won't happen. You won't regret it afterwards. You take care of your children. View it as taking care of your husband. And actually --- it will feel good for you. Your husband wants to please you sexually. So be explicit about what is pleasing to you. He doesn't know unless you tell him. That kind of frank talk might be a kind of foreplay as well. (6) Communication. Men and women communicate differently. There's no way around it. No matter how intelligent your husband is --- you need to spell it out for him. He can't read your mind. And you can't say it just once --- over and over again. (7)Lastly, see this as a temporary situation. There's light at the end of the tunnel. It gets easier as your child gets older. That's what I've heard anyways. We have a 4 year old and 16 month old. We've been married for 7 years and have been together for 13 years. Best wishes.

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Oh, dear girl. I hear your pain.

I married my husband when I was 39 (he was 46) and we got pregnant right away. Yea! We both had been married before, but not for very long and neither of us had children.

Prior to me, my dh had made a LOT of $ in the medical industry. He'd left corporate life to be free of 'the man' and pursue his own bliss.

For the last five years, my very clever dh has worked very sporadically, has jumped around from this job to that and mostly hasn't worked at all.

We've gone through every bit of savings, borrowed more money than I care to count and are now barely scraping by. Like you, every penny I spend is scrutinized and counted. And, like you, I'm SO not accustomed to living like this!

It's horrible and unbelievably stressful.

But.

I still love the man I married. And our 4yr old son deserves an intact family.

So. I highly recommend counseling for you and your husband. Your son deserves it. There are all kinds of services and people who will work on a sliding scale, just start asking.

There is no such thing as a good divorce (believe me, I've been there) and the perfect man is only a figment of your imagination.

Hang in there and get some help!!!

Blessings,

M.

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Your husband needs a kick in the pants. Mine sure did! Mine was much, much worse off, though. I had to leave him (separation) to get him to listen to me and begin to appreciate me, and he's needing a lot of counseling to get over his issues. For example, I am a bargain shopper extraordinaire. I buy my kids' clothes at thrift stores. I cut his and my boys' hair, and work hard to save us money. Once I furnished a living room for $36 (bookcases, couch, 3 upholstered chairs, writing desk, rug, plants). When I told my husband how much I spent, he thought it seemed like a lot of money. Huh? Or when I spend $20 at the thrift store and get two boys a season's worth of clothing, he cringes that I spent $20. He just doesn't understand how much things actually cost. Or if he does, he takes me for granted and thinks I could spend less if I tried harder.
I have to remind him gently how much so and so spent on her hair cut or a price of something I saw at the store, then remind him how much I pay for a hair cut or how much I spent on that same item in the store.
And talk to him about how it's hard for you to feel so dependent on him for everything when for so long you were independent. Tell him that you are just telling him how you feel, and that when he talks about how much money you spend, you feel like...(fill in the blank. I would feel like he thinks you're taking advantage of him)
I can't promise he'll listen, but there's NO way he'll know unless you tell him.
Hope that helps!

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Hi Kay,

I am so sorry for what you are feeling. I married at what I thought was a late age and I'm very independent, so it is a big adjustment for me too. But I think it is like the military, it operates more smoothly if someone is the leader and as much as I hate it sometimes, my husband is more levelheaded than I am, so he is the leader. Sometimes my feathers get ruffled, but usually after watching things unfold, I find that he is right.

Regarding work, since you have children, I would agree with the ladies that suggested Direct Sales. I have been a part of the direct sales industry for many years and here are the things I like about it:

1. you are appreciated and encouraged to succeed
2. there is no limit or ceiling on your income
3. the products are superior
4. the people you work with are usually wonderful
5. you get to pick the people you invite to your team to work with you
6. you can choose your own hours
7. you can stay home and work the phone and internet or go out and do social networking (I do both)

There are more reasons, but these are the first ones that come to my mind. Since I have been involved for so many years with various companies, I would be happy to give you suggestions depending on what you are interested in.

It does sound like your husband is feeling stressed about money. I think the advice to send him a sincere love note might pave the way for you to have a heart to heart talk with him about your other feelings.

Sincerely,

K.

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My husband and I are in spiritual study groups which keep us geared towards being spiritually fit individuals. We are not perfect and have our issues, but this seems to help us as a couple so much. I have friends who have found great success in marriage counseling, also. My husband and I went through a lot of uncomfortable change when I stopped working to stay at home with the children...more me than him, though. My ego did not like depending upon someone else, either, and it never felt like my own money. It's taken a lot of work to look at the truth within me and make changes in my thinking and attitude...a lot concerned fear that I had to learn to let go of. I think I spoiled my husband in how thrifty a spender I once was (and still am...but I go out of the boundaries more than I once did). Once he joined a softball league and started listening to the other husbands talk about their wives, his appreciation for me grew and grew! As far as sex goes, maybe he's having some trouble...like ED maybe? For a man, there must be something going on beyond stress and work, etc., for avoidance of sex...that's where I wonder if counseling would be a good idea for the two of you. If he knows you are using a vibrator and that you do not have orgasms, his ego could really be hurting. I know my husband feels like he is to blame if I don't 'achieve', but the truth is, we are the ones in control of that. We have to learn about ourselves and share our knowledge with our husbands...they can't read our minds and just know what to do. One thing I did learn in a communication class my husband and I took together was to do something nice for each other when angry about something...if I'm angry at him, I might make him a special breakfast or leave a note in his car to have a great day, etc. It's such a small thing for the rewards it reaps.

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married for 15 years........1st baby due in april and 44 years of age! stopped working immediately when conceived -- only income is hubby's. i've ALWAYS held my part previously. howeverr, I realize that i am going to have to return to work because the challenge of one income will not work for us emotionally and financially....to be honest with you, what you are going through is unfortunately what i believe to be typical. some things are just for a season. you are not alone, and jumping ship if people are honest is not the answer -- My relationship with my God and active participation with Marriage conferences, books,and both a Mother and Mother n Law (both married for 50+ years) allow me to scream and holler when necessary!! I wish you the best!

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Although I do not have any profound advice to give you, I felt compelled to write after reading the reply from Bookie A.. No one can know all the details of your situation. It takes a lot of courage to be able to talk about intimate details of your marriage. You had a lot of time being a single person and developing ideas about how you wanted a marriage to be. For those of us that married young (I was 22), we go into marriage relatively blind. However, marriage is something that takes work. Love ebbs and flows and money issues definitely can be seriously stressful on a marriage's health. My husband and I have had many ups and downs over the past 12 years of being married. I also have had issues with losing my income when I became a stay at home mom. Sometimes I try to look at our marrige as a job that I love, but that sometimes stinks--including the sex! You typically do not want to leave a job that you love even though you hit a few roadblocks in its course. As for the money, you might want to consider sitting down and discussing the budget. Talk about what specifically goes to mortgage, utilities/services, gas, insurance, food, ...and so on. Make sure to include spending money in the budget for both of you. As long as you both know how much each of you have each month as "frivolous" money it doesn't matter what each of you chooses to spend that on--it's part of the budget. A sitdown also sounds like a good idea for your love life. Maybe try to set aside some time, (a night after puting to bed extra early or even a weekend getaway) to rediscover each other. Sometimes talking turns into fighting, but when you set a time together to focus on AND DO for each person what they really need and want, it can be incredibly rewarding.

I hope some of this helped!

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Kay,

Step back a moment and take a deep breath. Yes you are an independent women, but now you are in a partnership. I know how tough it can be. I am very independent also but you are not alone in the hurt you are feeling. I have been married for almost 26 years now and will be 44 in July.

First of all remember you are in control of your thoughts and emotions. You can deciede if you want to be happy or not. You can never depend on someone else to make you happy. On the other hand again you have a family now. You are old enough to know that life goes in cycles. This to shall pass, you can either grow through it together and come out stronger on the other side or give up and hurt not only yourself, your husband, and your sweet baby boy.

I know about the money and a husband that worries. For years he would not even help with the budget or bills, but worry himself to death about things. He told me since I was in banking way back it was all my responsiblity, but once a year he would get a hold of something than all heck broke loose. Each time i would ask him to help but there were always excuses. Finally the last two years he has gotten more involved. Unfortuneatly our money is extremly tight right now as I have started a business and have had to walk away from my steady paycheck also. But I know things will turn around. We have agreed that we will never talk about divorce, and I'll tell you that gives each of us such a sense of security. We both know this time will pass also.

Kay, there are two books I strongly recommend you read. They have helped me over the last couple of years. We were on the verge of calling it quits also. The Five Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman, and The Love That She Wants and the Respect He Desperately Needs. By Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

Try these teachings before you do anything. Please give your love and marriage a chance. Tell your husband what you respect about him. Even if it is one small thing, then see how he reacts. He probably thinks you have no respect for him right now. Which is more important to a man than love. Trust me I have asked lots of men. Then add to it let him know something just out of the blue.

best wishes

J.

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I personally use and often recommend the following resource to everyone I meet in such a situation: visit www.marriagebuilders.com and read the books from the site: His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters Good Luck!

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Hi Kay,
I am 43 and SAHM with my 9 year old and am going through similar trouble. I worked until my son was 5 but had a great job where I was out of the home only 6-9 days a month. When that job was over I did not want to go back to full time and my husband and I had agreed before having kids that I would be a sahm. He has held it over my head ever since I stopped bringing in an income. I actually cut my own hair now and said to him one day that it only cost us 6 dollar every 4 months for me to buy the highlight kit at walmart. His response was 'it sounds like your spending money not saving it.' Counseling is the only thing that has held us together at this point. I would recommend you each go to a separate counselor and then a separate couples counselor. The older men get the more obsessed they become with money, retirement... and for my husband to remember there is more to life is a struggle. At this point we are together for our son. We however would not be getting along at all if we were not in counseling. Men don't always like counseling, money out you know, however when compared to the cost of divorce and child support it is worth the try. Check your insurance and see if they cover some counseling, many do.
Good luck, I hope things work out but if they don't always remember you are a strong woman and can deal with whatever comes your way.
S.

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I think it would probably make you feel happier and better about yourself if you got back into the workforce, even if it's part time. I think because you've been out working and independent for so many years, suddenly staying home and not making your own money is just harder on you than you think. If you have your own money, then your H shouldn't beable to complain about what you spend, which isn't fair anyway!
I don't know, but is it possible for you to work from home with your career so as to not have to pay for daycare?
Really try to find ways to make your own money and see if that helps the way you feel and in turns helps your marriage. :)

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I have been married for almost 14 yrs. I think all marriage go thru a sexless or a low sex period. Stress on both sides can be factures for both people. Make an effort to have more sex. Be receptive to anytime and anywhere. I have 3 kids ranging from 6-11. At night and in bed isn't the right time. Sometimes that can feel a little robotic.

Financial advise: Both of you need to go thru your monthly expenses together. See where all the money goes, and agree on your own personal splurges. I handle all the money, and my husband didn't know where all the money went. It wasn't until we sat down together and both were enlightened on the household money. Both partners need some splurge $. Hair, makeup, and nails are important to woman. Men can have a hair style that lasts for decades. Yet both of you need to agree on amounts.

Don't sweat the small stuff in marriage. $ takes up too much valuable time.

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I agree with so many people that your situation is more typical than you think. Marriage is difficult but so worth the work in the long run. Statistics show that 5-10 yrs after people are at an unhappy place in their marriage, about 85% that stayed in the marriage & worked it out are very happy and 85% that divorced are unhappy. It is worth doing the work. There is no one answer for how to work things out. Counseling is good, if you have a good counselor. There are many good books. But the bottom line is that you only control you and not him. You can inspire good things from him, but you can't demand them. Changing your perspective can go a long way. Every day, think of the things you love about him - not just the things that drive you crazy. This doesn't mean you have to just suck it up & live with things that make you crazy. But it's amazing how treating him with a lot of honor & respect will inspire much more love & respect from him than complaining to him or telling him what's wrong will.

And just a bit of practical advice that has worked really well in my marriage: give yourselves a modest allowance (whatever is within your budget) weekly in cash to spend on whatever you want to spend it on - without having to be accountable to each other. It really frees you up to have some little bit to spend how you want - no matter how small the amount. When we first got married it was just $10 each a week. I would save mine up & spend it on lunches, hair cuts, manicures, etc. We both stuck to the budget & felt like we had a little something on the side just for ourselves. It has worked really well for us.

Good luck! Hang in there!

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Hi Kay,
I felt the same way a few years ago. I tryed to reconect with my husband. I went on a search of things to do together that didn't cost. Like skating,bike riding hiking,art gallery,local school fair,school plays etc. Keep thinking. You need to enjoy each other as a family, not as room mates.
Flirt with him, remeber to enjoy your family and the money problems won't seem as big!

I'm somewhat going through the same thing! I think the best thing you could do was to set aside time to sit with your husband and develop a budget that includes your "salary". You could either "inflate" your salary and use that to pay a portion of household expenses, or he could be responsible for all of that and your salary be "lower" but be yours to do with it what you want. Make sure to include things such as kids clothing, playdates and toys and the little extras and determine if those things will be in the household budget or if your salary would be taking care of those things. Then agree that what your husband does with his personal spending money and what you do with your personal spending money should be a NON ISSUE!!

Good luck!

Hello Kay, If you find reading supportive, I recommend, "Real Love," by Greg Baer. The author offers lots of ideas of things you can do for yourself within a relationship to find clarity and facilitate change. Hang in there on your journey. ~T.

Look, marriage can be hard work, especially when finances are difficult. Your 20 month old is costing you 30 dollars a month just for diapers and they're growing out of things every few months. Since you're an older mom who has had a lifetime of independent spending, this is a harder transition that it might have been.

If he was the perfect man after 40 years of searching, what has changed? Nothing but the stress of a temporary situation. There was a study that showed that when a couple divorced for financial reasons, five years later they were not happier. When they stayed together through the trouble, five years they were happier.

I've been married for 17 years. We've lost a job, had a year of horrible medical bills, and started out poor. There were stressful times with hardly had any sex, and generally my libido is bigger than his. Yeah, that wasn't fun. BUT, I knew he was a good man and his reasons for being stressed was because he was responsible and wanted to take care of us and it wasn't happening well at that time. So there were hard times and we worked through them and we are madly, deeply in love more than I thought possible.

It isn't his fault (though the decision to get into a heavier debt load didn't help you guys) and he doesn't know what to do to fix it. He's scared, and you aren't helping by complaining and splurging. Instead, figure out extra ways to save money. There are great websites out that help with budgeting. Help him. When he feels like you are on his side instead of the side of "money is slipping away and I can't do anything about it" then you'll find a different guy. It will be you two against the world, not each other.

Here is a hint: the baby could care less about what clothes he is in. Go to thrift stores and second hand stores like Kid to Kid.

This is not about your marriage, this is about money!! It sounds like you have a fabulous husband, and a great life. Every woman in the world (myself included) goes through the same thing you're going through. You are NOT alone! What you have to remember is that you chose to give up your job and take on an even better, even harder one (sahm). You need to choose: do you want the money you wish you had, or the ability to be at home with your children. "No success can compensate for failure in the home". Please don't give up on this, I know how frustrated you feel. If you're hurting that badly for a little extra, consider working part time from home or something like that. I would also add that getting some help from a professional financial advisor might not be such a bad idea. You've worked too hard and too long to get where you are, and you deserve a happy ending and I promise that if you're willing to work, there will be one! And about depending on an man for money, you'll just have to get used to that one. Realize that being a sahm is a choice, and your husband is making a choice too. Besides- think of all that you do that HE depends on. That's hard for a man. I also reccomend the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". Seriously, it made a lot of sense (pick and choose what you take from it :). You're marriage is great. It's your money that's in trouble. You can do this!!!

Dear Kay,
I am so proud of you being so honest about where your marriage is at. It is a huge challenge to go from a joint income to one that relies totally on one. Where to start?
There is so much that you both get to look at. Know that the best thing you can do is really express to each other what you are feeling. Make sure to take out any blame. Your feelings are yours and his feelings are his. I am a Life Coach, specializing in family relationship. I would love to assist in any way that feels comfortable to the both of you.
Please let me know what I can do to assist.
With Love, C.

Hi Kay, sounds like life is handing you all kinds of tests, eh? Well, here's the good news, if you didn't want a greater relationship with you these things wouldn't be happening. Now what can make sense is to find the value in your challenges because what's happening around you is a manifestation of what's unresolved within you. Judgement of you or your life only holds you back from your own comfort. Take some quality time each day to affirm what's "right" about you and your life so that you bring in a focus that supports you. Make sure to BREATHE........that's the big one. Breath is trust.
J.

I've been married almost 15 yrs and have 4 kids from 9 to 9 months. We have been through hell and back and most of our struggles revolve around the difference in our religious beliefs. We were married starting out believing in the same church, but he has since fallen away and is now reading Athiest books. Quite a change. I used to resent him for his choices and it really caused division. I have contemplated divorce dozens of times, but because we have children and I am a child of a divorce, I can't do it! In the last few years I have realized that I cannot change him. The more I get mad, the further I push him. So I decided to change my view and my attitude. I look for the good now and I don't focus on the bad. I remember Oprah saying that whatever you focus on gets bigger. It is true! We still have our differences, but our love for each other grows every day and I am happy as well as our family. We spend a lot of time together between my husband working from home and us homeschooling the kids, and we love it! Too many people just give up on their marriages because it's hard. You are used to having your own life and now you have to share it. I remember the first few years of marriage feeling like you do about money. I had some issues I had to work through from my controlling father and my submissive mother. My husband has been very supportive and we have worked through the issues. Ask your husband why he worries about money so much. He has issues he's been carrying around too. You can work this out and not jepordize the future of your child or yourselves. Tell your husband what you could be spending (I spend $65 on my hair every 3 months for cut and color) You got a great deal! Tell him your views on money and how you are trying to be frugal. Suggest that you both need a little money that you don't have to account for. My husband requires that I itemize every receipt! I hated this at first and resented him trying to control my spending. After we talked it out several times, I realized he just wanted to know where the $ was going so that if we needed to cut back somewhere, we would be able to see where we could. He very seldomly suggests that I need to cut back, and when he does, I've already done so, because I can feel when enough it enough. Suze Ormond has some great books out. Try one of those. Just remember that others have much more difficult issues to face with that what you are going through. If you can just do one simple thing and change your attitude and even get rid of the vibrator and turn yourself on to your man, things will get better. You can't change anyone but yourself.
Good luck!

Hello Kay,
Are you sure you aren't too demanding of YOUR wants and needs?
I am just saying, if you are used to working and doing your own thing, maybe you are finding more fault with him than he is deserving of.
I am 59 and have been married to this man 14 years and with him for 21 years.
He has never had much interest in sex, but I sure did and was very frustrated.
He told me I just needed to help him relax, and get him interested.
Well, it worked and we were fine until he had a heart attack 9 years ago.
And there is absolutely nothing now. My vibrator and I are on a first name basis. My husband feels very very bad about this.
So maybe your husband is tired and too worried about making a good home for you, his wife, and his child.
And it sounds to me like you are NOT, as happy being a SAHM as you claim.
Your used to being able to spend money and not worry and now you have to count every dollar.
Your frustrated also, it is not all your husband.
Be careful you don't cut of your nose to spite your face, you could lose big time in the end.
Give this a chance, and talk to him, don't accuse him.
Men are worse than our children, you must draw them a gentle picture in order to get them to understand.
And some good movies, I mean sexual movies often help a man really get reved up and it can be great sex.
Good luck dear. Really do some soul searching about yourself and your responsibility in your problems.

hold on!! marrage goes through ups and downs and really you didn't get married to get divorced. Remember why you picked him and hold on. A baby and new house are stressful and he may deal with it diffrently then you. He might even be going through a little depression. I have been married for 15yrs and I havegone through tough times thinking that I could leave about 3 times. I am so greatful that I stuck it out. There is something that makes it sweeter once you figure it out. The worse thing you can do for you, your baby and you husband is give up. you hate depending on your husband but it might stress him out, in a way, that you are now dependent. You may consider getting a book and reading it together about relationships. "Between Husband and wife" is a good one. Your frustration is an oppertunity to grow.

It is hard being married at a later age. Do you remember the reasons you did it? I have gone through a very emotionless marriage and ended up leaving after almost 10 years with 2 boys. I remarried 2 years later and have a wonderful daughter with a terrific man. No matter what the situation with your husband, you have to try everything. counseling for married couples isn't easy or cheap but I think it opens the lines of communication again. Marriage is work from both of you. I am also 45 with 16, 13, and 4 year old. I HAVE to work in addition to being a mom for my mental sanity. We worked it out so that I would work while my husband could watch the kid(s). Propose it to him. At this rate, you don't get a day off. Being a MOM is 24/7, so for him to have to spend a day with his son while you get some KAY time is a great partnership I think. D. L. ____@____.com

Hi Kay S,

Sounds like there is alot of other things going on other than money . You had your own life,money and freedom from a man for a good period of time . Everything your dealing with is normal . Men do not want to have to share their money (no matter how much they say they do ). You are going to have to sacrifice either your expectations on spending money or your time with your child .You have to decide what is worth more . The sex issue is a reflexion of other issues not being resolved . It sounds like you can already take care of that your self anyway .Being married and a mother --life will never be about what you want most AGAIN .Welcome to married life !!!

Good luck.

Wow you have had so many replies. I think this should tell you that you are not the only one that has been through this.

First of all, since it took you so long to get married, don't you think it is worth fighting for? I do. I have been where you are. Working part time might be good for you. When I took 2 years off work to go back to RT school, my hubby and I had most of our arguments and beleive me he was not my favorite person in this world. I know I was not a bunch of roses either. I beleive stress has alot to do with it. It is worth trying different avenues for you, hubby and your 20 month old.

Second, marriage is not always romance and bliss. Once you get passed this it will come back if you want it. You will probably look back and find some humor in all of this. If you got a part time job it will give you time to step back and see things more clearly. Counseling definitely may help, but give yourself a break, it is stressful to have a budget and have one breadwinner if the money is tight.

Third, as hard as it seems count your blessings. If he notices you being thankful and appreciating him...it will be contagious with time. Even though you may fantasize about other men, they don't talk back. If you were to divorce and remarry, that new relationship will have its headaches too. Why not try to work on the headaches in this relationship rather than trading in for a new set.

Good luck!

J~

Hi Kay, I'm J. and I thought that I would just make a suggestion. You may want to look into an At Home business and that way you would bring in some money, stay home with your child and help ease the stress for both of you. I went to a meeting last night about a travel agency business that two of my sisters are in and it sounded very good. It takes a small investment but the perks are great. I had to leave early before they were finished but I am going to contact them again because I am very interested. You can call me if you like. My number is ###-###-####.
Theres Hope Yet.

Having young kids is stressful on a marriage, period. Be patient and things will hopefully settle down.

Hi Kay, I am 36 and have been married for almost 17 years. We struggled alot at first, we were just babbies when we got married. my sugestion, is to go talk to a counseler either one you pay for or a clergy person. try and get your husband to go with you, if he wont go anyway, for you and your child. If you and your husband are not happy your child will not be happy. you should also think about giving in and just going back to work, that way if things do not get better, at least you and your child will have an income. my prayers are with you.

Dear Kay,
I agree with Amanda that going to therapy is the best choice right now. make sure you find someone really experienced in couple therapy - not all therapists are. I've noticed a few of us are listed here on Mamasource - I am and a few others. Ask your husband to come with you - tell him it will make his sex life improve - seriously, I mean it!! If the two of you work out your problems, your sex life will get better - it is a great incentive for men to go to therapy! If he still won't, go by your self to the marriage therapist - there is a lot you can do to help your relationship.

Honestly, this isn't just about money- it's about communication, feeling like equals, feeling cared about and respected. It's hard to work out all those issues on your own.

take care, S.

Kay,
First I am sorry about your situation, it sounds like you and your husband need time to reconnect as to why you married in the first place. I also know that there are lots of ways you can stay home and make "your own" mad money to splurge on those things you like and still be home with your son. Have you considered watching another child in your home, your son is getting to the age a playmate might be fun, that is not to say a daycare, but one other child would still allow you to take trips to the store and the park and not be to tied down. It sounds like you are also missing the socialization that comes with a job, I know that was huge for me because we lived
outside of town and I had 4 girls in 6 years so I didn't have much adult time. I know it is really hard when you have made your own money for so long and then someone is telling you what you can and cannot spend. Have you considered trying a
home based busniess that you could work around his hours so he could spend quality time with his son and you could have tome to make some extra cash...I am an Area Manager for Jewels by Park Lane, an awesome company that would allow you to do just that... I would love to give some information and
answer any questions you might have, it truely is an awesome company... I do hope and pray your situation gets better for your sake, your husbands and especially your sons...

Kay
Just as you are not used to someone else providing the money neither is your husband used to the burden of carrying the family financially it is scary both ways. So don't give up.
For the Romance. - Here is some advice that might help
This is going to take more work on your part but it is worth it. When he comes home set down your son or what ever you are doing and give him a big I love you welcome it is also nice to have his favorite snack or drink ready for him.
Make sure the little one goes to bed early enough so you can have some time with your husband. Slip in to something sexy and offer him a back rub or something to that effect and as you work on him, don't talk about the baby or money(you don't need to talk about anything) just rub those knots of stress away. Bombarding him with affection will get his senses going and he will remember how much he enjoys you.
As you know marriage is worth fighting for, I pray yours will be mightly blessed.
J.

Hi Kay....I too married later in life. When I remarried after being single and very independent for 13 years, I also had a hard time adjusting. I was and am determined to make our marriage work. It's not been easy, but we are much happier than we were after 3 1/2 years of marriage. Finances is the #1 reason people have marital problems. Your husband is telling the truth - he's stressed and he worries. You have the key to making a happy home, believe it or not. When your husband feels respected by you he will become a different man. It may take more time for him to respond, but he will, unless he has other huge issues you have not mentioned. You have a little child and a beautiful new home. Don't destroy what you have. Many women would give anything to have your life. You and your husband can work through "all the spending"...all couples go through that. Dr. Laura's book..."The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" will help you figure out how to make your marriage what you want it to be. It's full of other women's stories. It's worth every penny. Your sex life will improve...right now you have a man who feels overwhelmed too. This will pass....if you don't over-react too soon. Stay put. Read the book. Commitment, commitment, commitment will take you a long ways. It's easy to cut and run...I can tell you...it's NOT easier on the other side.

Been there, done that ... I found out it was best to look at myself. Find happiness within. When I changed, an amazing thing happened! My marriage changed. We've been married 15 years now. Look back to the love you had when you were first married. It takes both of you putting each other first, being unselfish, and life will be much happier. I'm not saying that it's your fault by any means. But I've found that if you start treating your spouse differently, more lovingly, he will reciprocate! Dr. Laura wrote a great book something like The Proper Care and Feeding of your Man. Parts of it made me want to throw up ... by there was a lot of good in it too that applied to me. It's hard to look inside yourself and be honest about things you need or want to change, but it will only benefit you! I wish you the best and happiness! Your little guy will reap the greatest rewards if his parents love each other and share that love with him. N.

Hi i was reading your blog and i can totally relate to your particular situation to a T!!! I have been going thru the same thing with my husband we only been married for 2yrs we have 2 kids. The only difference is that im younger im 24. I really couldnt give u any advice because i still havent found the answer yet. I thought that divorce is what he wanted but its not. He also says its not me but I still go thru the madness with him over me spending money when I spend it just on bills and like once a mo i treat myself and he has a problem with that also. I been asking but cant get a clear answer out of him on why he is acting this away. I also was making a pretty gd lump sum before i got married I worked at a military base for 3yrs making 1500-1800 every 2wks. He begged me to stop working and now it feels like he just want control over me. When he found out that I was going back to school he lost his mind! He was giving excuses on why its not a gd time cus we are also on a budget and cant afford daycare and he works all the time and will be too tired to watch the kids. But I really dont care what his excusses are im going back in May and going to finish. I really am sorry i couldnt give u any advice on this topic i just was so relieved to actually hear someone speaking on the exact situation that Im going thru and been holding in for so long.

my only and best advice is to see a marriage counselor. I went to counseling about this type of thing, money, thoughts of other men and so on, for about a year until my husband finally agreed to come with me. We found a couples counselor for us and went for about 10 months. It was expensive but to me, I was not about to give up on the marriage. I knew that I could do something to change my way of thinking and I knew once he went and talked it out, that he would see it too. We now have a beautiful baby boy and I don't think we would have been able to go through invitro and the pregnancy without the counseling that we recieved. I recommend Mark Burton in Foothill village area. GOOD LUCK!

Hi Kay -

I know that money can be a big stress on a marriage - speaking from experience. I was in a similar situation with my marriage when I had my kids. I was able to stay at home with my kids for about 3 years. During that time, we didn't have a lot of money - things were tight! I did get to stay home with my kids so that was a good pay off for me, but the marriage did suffer because of the stress of money. I decided to go back to work at nights and weekends, so we didn't have to pay for day care. Well that was stressful as well. My husband didn't want to take care of kids when he came home from working all day. I did find a legit job from home at alpineaccess.com. This helped us out tremendously. The hours were flexible and pay was pretty good for part-time about $9/hr and I was averaging 20-30 hours/week. It may work for you if you don't want to work out of the home. Having the extra income was nice and it did ease the stress a little. I also looked at home businesses and am currently working on one with a legit company. getmommyhome.com (may be of interest to you as well). Hang in there! Talk with your husband - not talking is the worst thing that happened to my marriage - once we were open and honest we have been able to work on our issues. It can be a roller coaster - we have certainly had ups and downs, but I think a lot of marriages are like that. We have been through a couple of really bad times, where I felt the same as you - wanting to leave. At that time, he had lost his job and we were living with his parents. I was forced to get a full-time job out of the house, which I totally resented! We are both working full-time now - I work nights he works days (so we don't have child care). It sucks working I won't lie LOL! - but we are really communicating with each other and working on a goal to get me home again and get us financially secure. We try to make sure that we do all decisions together, we slip once in a while - I spend way too much at the grocery store or he buys a video game - but it all seems to work out in the end. We always land on our feet and our kids always have what they need. We have been pretty well off money wise and we have also been dirt poor - we finally came to the conclusion that for us we need to stick together and focus on the happy times. Money comes and goes, but we got married to be together for the long run so that is what we try to focus on. So far, it has worked great for us. Our marriage has really been much better these last two years. I hope this helps you somewhat. My best wishes to you and your husband! I hope things get much better for you very soon! Take Care!

Understandably frustrating. He needs to reaslize that you are home doing your job and it is his job now to provide the money for you to spend- so he needs to deal with that. As long as you are being reasonalbe in your budget he has no reason to pester you.
If he is your age then that would account for his libido waning. If he eats properly and exercises- and gets regular sleep it can improve. Caffeine and alcohol contribute to low sex drive over time as does excess sugar and fast foods.
But, don't be afraid of being the one to instigate sex if he seems tired or preoccupied- they usually come around once turned on. The vibrater is probably only adding to your frustration and his feelings of inadequacy will increase- and he will feel less sexy and therefore less likely to be there for you sexually. Sex is 90% in the mind- so he needs to feel sexy and manly to want to do anything about it. Men are not as secure as they may seem. Being able to please their woman is a big deal to their ego.
And your marriage is new- give it time. I have been married 13 years and there are plenty of ups and downs. Try not to push it to a crucial point of ultimatums just yet. Sometimes we fool ourselves that it would be better with someone else- but in all cases our partners will be human and thus, fallable- the same problems will crop up. We need to be more flexible, change our expectaions and look into out partners happiness as well as our own and be a friend. A spouse is not somebody to fill our needs- but somebody to learn with, grow together and work together. The romance happens when we give each other slack and are loyal and loving and unselfish.
Everything you feel is normal - don't think it isn't. But you have a wonderful gift- a child. If you and your husband pull together you will be giving your child the most ideal start in life and you will prove to yourself that there are more important things in life thatn smooth sailing.
I tend to be a little saucier certain times of the month and in the first several months following childbirth.Self evaluate and find where your concerns are legitamate and when it is you. Then have it out with him in an honest way admitting where it is you and when you feel it is him- he is more likely to listen favorably and respond if he isnt hearing all blame and accusation.
Anyway, goodluck with all this. I can only give advice from my perspective- all I can say is- I am glad I didn't leave a few years back when things got bad. It got better, I feel stronger and we trust each other more. Plus i have 3 kids whose worlds wouldv'e turned upside down if I had bailed as planned. On our 14th year and expecting storms, umbrella in hand. Best wishes-

Well, I am no marriage consellor, but I would say that going back to work would be good for you. It would allow to justify the "spending money" issue at least. I would, however, suggest that you bite the bullet and pay for partime daycare (maybe at an in-home place so it is more personalized care), and still allow him to have a day off. If you take away his day off, the stress is only going to get worse. In my lowly opinion, the cost of daycare is worth saving a marriage and it REALLY is worth it when you start talking about sharing your child. Again, I don't pretend to know what is best for you, but stress is bad for the 'ole sex life. He needs a break as well as you, so pay some money to save the rest of your life.

Financial stress is the WORST in a marriage. It sounds like you're building up a lot of resentment towards your husband, and he to you, probably. From the outside looking in it seems that you returning to work may be the answer for a number of reasons. But noone should have to give up their day off. Your return to work should be a positive move for the family and your marriage, not a punishment for your husband. With a little extra $$ you can get your haircut once in a while and maybe go on a date with your hubby, and it would take some stress away from him. That would give your son a happy home. Find a way to make every move a positive. This is not an easy time but BELIVE me, the grass is not greener on the other side.

Sounds like you both have a problem. First of all...did you really need the manicure? couldn't you have done it yourself or with your girlfriends for free...I understand the haircut. If you have a budget do you have a spend allowance in the budget just for you? You should. That way, he can't say you spend too much and you still can splurge on yourself. Third, how much debt are you in? That could be the leading issue in a lot of this. you went from bringing home so much and now are only bringing home half. Third, get over yourself. You're a mother now and have no business getting selfish over petty things. Your priority is to care for the little one...you shouldn't be threatening to go back to work and let someone else raise him.

Yes, you were used to a certain lifestyle. Yes, you could probably go back, but at what cost. Marriage requires sacrifice, even of luxuries, and so does motherhood. Get over yourself. As for your husband...he needs to relax. You need to create the budget together and agree on how your money is being spent.

You really need to get professional help in this if you want your marriage to last. Don't just try to talk to friends because they're only going to tell you what you want to hear, which is probably to get out of the marriage. For you son's sake, find a marriage counselor you're comfortable with, even if your husband won't go and try to at least resolve your own issues. A clergy person, respected elder or trusted friend could probably help you find a counselor. Think of your son.

Not much to give advice but I think you should sit down and really look hard at what you want out of life before you jump to any drastic measures. Sounds crazy but there are a lot of people like yourself that are faced with this same situation. You have to remebmer you have a wonderful little boy that needs both of you. You said you were picky about men so you need to remember why you married him and had a son with him. Maybe you should sit down with you husband and let him know how you feel. Opening up together can bring out things that you never knew were going on. Being married is not always easy. I think there is something deeper that is troubling your husband that you may uncover and be able to fix. Believe me if I only spent $30 for a manicure and haircut my husband with throw a party. If you don't want to go back to work right away maybe you should look at selling your beautiful home and move into something more affordable that allows both of you to enjoy life a little more without being stressed about money. Remember the grass is not always greener on the other side. Aslo, speaking with a marriage counselor may help as well. I am no expert. This is just coming from my heart.

I have four kids and have been married to my high school sweet heart for 18 years. I worked and made a wonderful salary for 15 years and decided it was time to stay at home with my 4th. It was the best thing I ever did. He is 5 now. Getting ready to start kindergarten in the fall. I am struggling on what I want to do with the rest of my life besides being a mom. I believe life begins at 40. Stay strong, try to work things out first, and if all else fails you may be faced with a very difficult choice but it has to be right for you.

Aaaagh! Try reading Dr. Laura's book...The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.

Read "The proper care and feeding of husbands". It will change your perspective about every single issue you have in your life. I strongly recommend it. Good luck!

Your marriage will always be in trouble if giving up is an option. Everything you have mentioned in your letter is fixable. The only thing you have to decide is if you want to fix it. Being miserable is a choice, and the only person who can make that choice is you.
BUT, you did make a choice to have a child. A child that deserves a fair shake a a whole and healthy family. That is your responsibility. Your life is not just your life anymore. I know it is normal to get divorced whenever we are uncomfortable now a days, and no one would think anything of it. But if you think you will have a better time on your own, or with someone else, then think again. Or better yet, start thinking at all. Problems WILL arise. No matter what. Are you going to run from them your whole life? Stay with your husband and go to counseling (together).
I know this sounds harsh, but I went through the same type of thing. And I heard all of these harsh but truthful words from my best friend. Someone that cared about me deeply. You will never be happy unless you decide to be happy.
On the other hand, one thing that I did learn from counseling was that it made me a whole lot more comfortable about not making any money if I handled the money for our household. I pay all the bills, monitor spending, and create the budget. It is hard work and I feel like I am contributing more than just my vagina to the family.
You sound like a strong woman, be strong. But find your strength in love

Doesn't sound good. Bought a beautiful new home when it would cause/compound money worries? What were you thinking?

Look, it's really hard to go from the feminista mentality to the marriage mentality, and they don't work well together. Obviously you guys desperately need counseling, but getting a good counselor is a crapshoot. Go to the library and read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Don't pick and choose the advice you'll follow. Wait until you get to the chapter the most says to you, "That's our marriage!", and start by working on the key points from that chapter.

Also, let him know that you're reading the book because you desperately miss your former relationship and want to have that again.

Little pieces of advice from friends like, "Give him a massage," and "wear lingerie" are not going to cut it. You guys need to overhaul the way you understand and relate to eachother. Please keep in mind, no matter how bad it gets, divorce is much worse, but the child will be the one who bears that burden, every day, for decades, so do the hard work now to prevent that.

I am cringing here, and praying for you now, because the very last thing this world needs is yet another child from a single-parent family. Never underestimate how incredibly awful that will be for the child's development, goals & dreams.

Kay, I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. My husband and I worked out a budget plan that allows us each to have our own seperate spending money each month. As long as we don't go over the monthly limit, then we can use it for whatever we want, no questions asked. If we want something expensive, then we just save our spending money for a few months or whatever. Our budget also allows us to save $$ each month, even though we are students only working part-time. It takes discipline, but we have NEVER argued about $$. Please let me know if you want me to show you how it works. I love discussing finances and helping others with it. Good luck!

I second the comment that you should read Dr. Laura's book. It was marvelously helpful in my marriage. It helps us understand how men work and why they are the way they are.

The other thing is it sounds like you two need to sit down and talk and revamp your budget. Dave Ramsey has some great resourses on budgeting. You need to incorporate haircut and fun money into the budget, so that you can spend that without the guilt. Ramsey's system works very well.

My husband and I budget a specific amount of money each month for each of us to spend how we wish. We call it our "personal money" and we have both agreed to never comment negatively on how we each spend that money. I love it. It works very well for some of those extra fun expenses.

Most SAHMs that I know have some sort of extra work from home to earn a little extra money. Anything from piano lessons to cutting out fabric to bookkeeping for a company at home. Some jobs are out of the home that they can take their kids to, like working in the day care at a fitness center. It sounds like you need something too. That's okay and normal.

Also, know that women are not made sexually the same as men. It's not normal for us to have orgasms as frequently as men do because unlike men we aren't fertile 24/7 for the rest of our lives. So relax. Cut yourselves some slack in the bedroom and enjoy just being with him. Ever read "The 5 Love Languages" book. I recommend it.

Time for some reconnecting. Take a week or weekend away with your husband and make Friday night a date night again. The best thing we ever did for our marriage was to make the budget for date night as important as budgeting in food.

I applaud you for staying at home with your son. It is the best thing you can do as a mother. I worked most of the time while I was raising my family, and if I could do it over again, I would try harder to stay at home. I think I would have a stronger family if I had been there more. Marriage is an adjustment which requires both husband and wife to be focused on making it work. There will always be outside influences that will try to pull your family apart. You have to decide if having more money to spend as you wish is more important that being a full-time sahm. No one can decide that for you. Either way there are sacrifices. Do you want someone else to influence your child's life so that you can have more financial freedom? Think about it. I would suggest you and your husband find a good marriage counselor. He needs help adjusting to the stress of supporting a family, help with setting a budget that meets each of your needs as well as some of your wants, help with seeing your need for sexual attention and you need help accepting that he may not meet all of your sexual fantasies, that if you spend within the budget the stress will lessen, as well as any other underlying issues that bring these particular issues to the surface. Marriage isn't easy, it takes hard work and commitment. Too many "happily ever after fairy tales" have clouded our minds and given us unrealistic expectations. I've had my share of difficulties in marriage, counseling can help. Good luck.

The only thing I can suggest is that you both meet with a marriage councelor. If you are both willing to work on and try to save your marriage, it can usually be done. Good luck to you both.

The best this I ever did for myself was personal development work.

www.klemmer.com
This has saved my marriage and also my sanity. Check it out. And your husband will love doing this work with you too. I PROMISE

GOD BLESS!!

Perhaps you can look at an alternate way to make money, such as a direct selling business. A portion of the income could be contributed to the family and the rest could be spending money that he wouldn't have to even know about. If the stresses of where your husbands paycheck is spent were taken away, perhaps other issusues would be diminished as well.

I have personally found that running your own business can give you more self-esteem and independence as well as be a refresher from being a mom. There are tons of them out there to choose from. And because you set your hours there is the possibility that you could have a neighbor watch babysit while you go out and do shows, and if wouldn't ever have to interfere with your husbands schedule.