Helping Teen Daughter Deal with Her Father Living Out of State

Why did they quit counseling? Would they consider family counseling?

If they do not help themselves, how can you help them?

I am a child of divorce and it took me many years of counseling to get to a place I could quit thinking about everything. And trying to place blame, taking on guilt and feeling so helpless.

Your husband not only had an affair on you, but also his children. That is pretty selfish and when a child totally adores their parent and thinks that their parent will always be there for them, this is totally devastating. I used to think "If he REALLY loved us, he would not have done this to all of us."

It also took a good 2 years of being married to then understand what a marriage really is and how hard it can be. That I had all of these expectations and plans and in reality, it takes a whole lot of work and commitment.

I highly encourage you to sit with your daughter and once again explain.. this entire situation is not her fault. That you are sorry she is so hurt, but as parents we will always love our children with so much love, she will never understand until she is married and has children.

That her father made poor choices, but you all are going to move on. That your daughter can have her feelings, but when it begins to interfere with her every day life, she needs help. Just as if she were physically ill, she needs to heal herself.

She is also a teen and so you know her hormones are all over the place. Teens also tend to really think highly of themselves and think no one else understands. But you do not want her to waste this time in her life. They are only teens for a short time and she should not used this time only focusing on what she feels she does not have.

Will their father be able to see them over spring break? Could that be planned? How about this summer? Is any of that time scheduled yet?

Start helping them make plans so they can get through each week and then each month. Maybe for your daughter it needs to be each day.

But do not let them pity party for too long. Teens love to wallow in their emotions.. Sometimes you need to offer your hand to pull them out, because they are missing out on so much.

Talk to her and especially listen to her, and mirror her feelings. Unfortunately this is a grief she has to endure, and there isn't anything else you can do to change the fact that her dad lives far away.

Be open with her. If you don't know if "she's afraid to tell her dad that she misses him and that she's hurt by him or what it is," then just ask her.

I know it's extremely hard to see your kids emotional pain, but grief for loss is normal.

She is just at that right age that having her dad is extremely important. A girl's first love is her father so I am sure she is devastated. There really isn't anything you can do, other than be there for her and be understanding and simply tell her that you know she misses her father, you know her heart is broken and you are very sorry that she feels this way and just hold her. You can't stop her pain, you can only hold her while she feels it.

Good luck! I know how hard it is to see your child in pain and know there is nothing you can do to ease the pain.

Hypnotherepy worked for me and my parent's divorce - I only got to see my dad two weeks a year growing up, that is how far he moved away. Hypno gets to the problem and helps resolve it faster than therepy - therepy helps you talk about it until it does not bother you any more. Most insurance covers hypnotherepy just like they would anything else - make a deal with your daughter two visits and she will get something she has been wanting or get to do something she has been wanting to do. I know you may not want to "force" her to go but you do not want to her to turn to things like cutting, anorexia or bulemia to deal with her stress and control issues. Girls tend to deal with situations like this in those manners because they have lost control of everything else and need something they can control. I suggest you try hypnotherepy vs standard therepy and yes, in this case bribe her.

I do not have any good parenting advice. However just an idea I got from another divorced parent living out of state. He recommended and now I use every time I can - FaceTime. It is a video call (much like Skype) but it works from photo/video enabled iPhones, iPod Tiuches and iPad 2s. I bought 2 iPods last March. I have one for the kids (mine are 3, 4 and 7) and one for me. We call each other on FaceTime so we can see wach other when we talk. The kids can show me stuff like projects, homework, owies, etc. I can also see their facial expressions so it helps me as a parent better gauge their verbal responses. My oldest might say he is fine or had a good day at school, but I can see by his face or body language he is not being honest. I use FaceTime because it is mobile on a small iPod, rather than Skype which would have put me at a stationary computer or bigger laptop. The iPod Touch is about the same size as a cell phone. It won't change the fact that he lives away or that she misses him, but it might add a dimension of connection, that eye to eye connection, that would be just something a little more.

Good luck.
D.