My daughter asked to "facetime" with her father. Should I initiate the contact with him, for her, even though he is extremely inconsistant with his schedule and communication. He hasn't seen or spoken to her in a month. She misses him, occasionally, and I sometimes text him to ask if he can talk to her or "facetime," with her because he lives 2.5 hours away. Our custoday agreement and parenting plan states his visition is every other weekend and a few hours on Wednesdays. He might see her once a month. He is still very angry with me about the divorce after two years and I hesitate to contact him because of his nastiness to me. But, my five-year-old daughter asked me to contact him. The last I heard from him was "I can't take her this weekend because an emergency came up... " that was two weeks ago. Father's Day is coming up and I have no idea if he is even going to see her. It shouldn't be my responsibility to ask him if he is going to take her on HIS weekend. But, if I don't ask, I can't make my own plans. In the past we have decided that if I do not hear from him by Thursday morning, he forfeits his weekend.
I dispise technology because accomodating a "facetime or skype" chat is very stressful. I do not want to see him any more than I have to and I don't like him having the opportunity to "see into our lives" via webcam. I have to find a location in the house where everything in the background is neutral, like a blank wall. If I don't he will tear apart everything he sees in view. Does anyone else allow facetime or skype chats? This may sound paranoid but I've learned I have to be with him.
Thought? Suggestions?
Hi Everyone, thanks for the responses. To answer a few questions. yes, I always meet him halfway for visitation, every time. He actually told me a few months ago he will be moving farther away and asked if I would still meet him half way. I didn't answer. Up until this point I have always contacted him when she asks me to. It hasn't been that often, but if she is missing him and asks, I contact him and try to arrange a phone call or video chat. Every time it turns into a stressful situation for me. She just asked me yesterday and my first instinct was to contact him right away - like I have in the past. But for some reason I didn't this time. I don't want to be that mom that tries to keep her from her father. I never have, in fact, it is the exact opposite. Whenever he wants her I try to make it happen because the visitation is so erratic.
Thanks again for the feedback. Much appreciated.
I don't understand why you have to "arrange" this, why can't she just contact him directly herself when she wants to?
I agree to get her an iPod, that way she can contact him directly. You can set parental controls pretty strict if you are concerned about that.
I would also teach her how to call him so she can call herself when she wants to. At the very least when she asks dial the phone and then hand it to her.
You have to do what is best for your daughter. If she wants to facetime him, let her. Put a blank wall behind the camera. You must have a blank wall in the house. Turn off the background noise.
Being the primary parent when the other parent is minimally involved is often a thankless task. We get all of the responsibility, and all of the blame. We have to suck up a lot, while the irresponsible parent has it easy in every way.
But you have to do what is right, and what is best for your child, and having a relationship with him is best for her. Be the bigger person.
She's asking to FaceTime her dad.
I don't mean this to be snarky, but I think you're paranoia about him "Seeing into our lives" is reaching. And misplaced.
As for Fathers Day-you've already said that if you don't hear by Thursday, it's not happening.
2.5 hours away is 5 hours out of his visit.
Ever meet him halfway?
Good luck.
wow he sounds like a winner.
I guess I have to be honest - if your daughter is asking, I feel like you have to try. :( Sorry. I have a similar situation.
But the last thing you want is for your daughter to grow up saying "why didn't you let me Skype with my dad when I asked?"
Is he nasty with you, or with her? If it's with you, don't talk to him. Just hit the button and get out of the way. If it's with her...*sigh*...she has to learn firsthand what kind of father she has.
One thing is I would quit bending over backwards for him, afraid to set him off. he's 2 1/2 hours away. what's he going to do? You have a life you have to live, too. It sounds like you're still being controlled by him big time.
Good luck, hang in there!
Does she have an iPod? If so, she could directly send him an imessage to ask if he wants to Facetime. Since interacting with you is not productive, maybe she can simply ask him herself.
I'm not sure what to do about the 'window into your lives'. Pick the most neutral room, and ask your daughter to only Facetime him from that room?
I agree with others that if you don't at least try, it reflects poorly to your daughter on you, not him.
Wow, that is really unfortunate that he causes you so much stress. Good for you for trying to give your daughter a relationship with her father, despite his behavior. That can't be easy!
As far as the video chats go, try to remember that they aren't much different from a phone call. What a great idea to have a blank, neutral background. How frustrating that he would criticize things based on what he sees on the computer screen. Try to remember that that is his problem. He must be very unhappy if he feels a need to critique and criticize you. I'm sure it's very hurtful, but this is his problem!
Arranging a video chat is going to mean scheduling an appointment with him. That's unfortunate, but it is worth it for your daughter. Can you schedule things via email or text? Those would most likely be easier than calling him. Are you concerned that he might agree to a time and then cancel? That would be tough, and you'll have to think about how to handle that. Maybe make sure you have him on the computer before telling your daughter? "Suzie, surprise! Your daddy is waiting for you on the computer!" If you are able to do that and get really excited for her he might realize that you really are trying to make this work for him and for your daughter.
Good luck!!! I hope you find strength just knowing how hard your trying for your little girl.
I would just have her push the button to FaceTime him, it's no big deal. I wouldn't care if my ex saw my kitchen, living room or daughter's room. Another man running around in his undies wouldn't be good. Just let them talk whenever they want, don't let your technology phobia get to you.
Communicate with him, ask him about Father's Day.
I skype with one of my brothers all the time. So easy. Just have your computer screen facing a blank wall with your daughter in front of it. Once you have it set up there's no reason for you to be involved during the call. She'll talk, he'll talk and when she's done she can come get you to hang up.
I think in this case make it clear that his daughter has asked for this and leave it up to him if he wants to chat or not. You stay out of it because at this point its not about you. He might need a reminder that in this situation its about his relationship with his daughter not about his relationship with his ex wife that's important.
I think a plain old fashioned phone call is fine.
I don't know about you but our data plan can't handle a lot of video calls or streaming anything.
Texting or email is also alright.
If he's moving even further away, it seems he's likely to back out of more visits.
Exactly how far away is he moving, a few hours further away, a few states, or out of country?
You might want to go over the laws that apply to your situation with a child custody attorney.
Can you take control of the situation a bit more?
Like what about setting up set times for them to Skype - would that cause you less stress? Why not try that first - that way you don't have to initiate it each time - daughter and father could pick a night (or two) that works for them, and just have your daughter ready to go on Skype when the time comes.
I would start there. See how that goes. After that, could she not call your husband herself? Sometimes I dial, but hand the phone to my young ones to talk to grandparents etc. I'm just thinking of ways you don't have to talk to him.
Sounds like you dread talking to him (if he's that horrible from the divorce) so best thing to do is take charge of what you can. This not knowing till Thursday morning business means he gets to call the shots about his weekends. I don't think that's fair and it means you're waiting around each time to see what he'll do. That gives him control. Not cool.
Tell him that you will be expecting him to take her on the weekends except in an emergency. That's the arrangement.
As for seeing into your lives through webcam ... I mean he could just as easily ask her questions to find out what you're doing. I guess I'm wondering how interested he is in all that you do and are you that nervous because of it? That's really a bigger issue.
Good luck :)
Since he's 2.5 hours away you need to go back to court to redefine the visitation. For him to drive 2.5 hours after work on Wednesday to see her then drive 2.5 hours home is ridiculous.
Same with every other weekend. He needs to pick her up for spring break, summer vacation for at least a month, pick her up for fall break, Thanksgiving break, and Christmas breaks.
He gets to come pick her up and take her to his house for days and days. He pays for child care when he works and he provides all her needs while there.
You will need to address child support of course. He won't want to pay for the months she's with him BUT her child support is supposed to go towards her bills and those bills happen each month whether she's there or not, such as her portion of the electric bill and other utilities.
Child support isn't blow money for kiddo to spend on junk, it's money used to support her and keep a roof over her head. So those monthly bills do happen whether she's there or now.
That child support can also be said to pay for gasoline to transport her to and from seeing him. He needs to pay for her transportation and either come get her and bring her home or pay you to meet him part way. It's his choice to move away.
He might now have an order to pay for those times she's with him but you might be surprised.
I'm very sorry you are dealing with this, and it sounds like you are doing all the right things. The only thing I can say is from watching friends go through this. The ones who put up with the bad ex for the benefit of their children have always come out better in the end. The kids are happier, the relationship between adults ends up better, and everyone is happier.
I know it sucks, but I would get her an iPod, tell her where a good place is to call daddy from, and have her initiate contact on her own. I would tell him this was coming, so that he knew when a call comes in it is from her.
I am with Gamma G on this one. Also do find a place in your home that you can hang a "white wall" so that he cannot see what you have in your home and avoid the stress from him.
Some people are just bitter when they can't have their way as you are finding out. Place nice with the visits so that your daughter doesn't think mean thoughts because you didn't let her speak to her dad. Overtime she may decide she does not want to speak with him as much.
Good luck to you. May she have a Father's Day talk with her dad.
the other S.
Set up a time for regular chats, and have her initiate the call at that time. If she asks at random times, say "You can call Daddy at 5:30 like always and that way you know he will be home and available." I don't think you need to be more involved than helping her push the right buttons.
She's not walking around with the computer so there's not much he can see in your house/life. You say he will tear apart everything he sees - do you mean he critiques the decor to his child? That's weak. If he's that shallow and uses father-daughter time to discuss what she has hanging on the wall in her room or what color the paint is, she's going to stop calling him pretty quickly and then your problem will be solved. Don't get involved in it, don't respond.
If you're doing half the driving, that's already a lot - you've got 99% of the child care because he rarely sees her, so why are you driving too? And he's moving further away? My friend's ex was "too stressed" to continue his teaching job, so he arranged a year-long "medical leave" at full salary, moved 2 states away, and he wants her to drive. She said no and it's written into the visitation agreement that she got by filing for a modification of the prior order. (The dad used to take the kids to his house Wednesday afternoon through Friday - taking them to daycare or the school bus) and then he had alternate weekends as well. Then he moved to a remote area in Maine from suburban Massachusetts, met a woman, got engaged, and rarely sees his kids. His choice.
I wouldn't put up with the Thursday notification of whether he's going to see her. He's controlling your social life, and he's only seeing her when he's got no other options. Forget that. He takes his daughter and picks her up at X o'clock on his assigned weekends. If he wants to switch now and then, he can ask you nicely. But he takes her. If he doesn't show and she's sitting there with her little suitcase, that's terrible for her. If you don't want to face him/deal with him, then you do drop off at the police station where all the other contentious or abusive parents get their kids. There's never any drama there in front of the cops, believe me. If he persists in not showing up, then you petition for a modification and he loses time.
If he's having more than one emergency every 3 months (assuming he's not a surgeon or a firefighter), he's not into parenting. If he moved away and wants to forfeit the Wednesdays, that makes sense. He can come take her every other weekend, and perhaps he can take her 11-6 on one of the additional Sundays to make up for the Wednesdays. Or, since that cuts into your 2 full weekends a month, you can switch to a system where you get 1st and 3rd weekends, he gets 2nd and 4th, and if there's a 5th weekend, you alternate or he gets a long day on Sunday (e.g. 11-6). But stop this business of him deciding whether he's coming and you just sitting there waiting. If you don't want to deal with him, have your lawyer contact his lawyer saying that the schedule isn't being followed, so either he straightens up or you'll petition the court for a significant reduction, but you're not sitting around waiting to see if he has a better deal for weekend entertainment. Let the lawyers handle it - it will cost you less than the gas money you're spending to drive her everywhere.
