Helping Sis-in-Law

Let her get some distance on the situation, and hopefully get pregnant again. I had 2 misses, then 2 boys. It was a horrible raw time, and I didn't even want to look at a baby on tv. Hopefully she knows you are there and love her, (or just send a note to that effect) and let her heal.
Good luck, and congrats to you.

It has nothing to do with you personally but I would give her some time she is probably devestated. Just be sensitive and try not to take it personally but let her know you sre there for her.

i kinda had the same situation with my last pregnancy. my sister had a miscarraige and then a few months later we both found out we were pregnant (about 4 weeks apart) then she miscarried again, and then a third time while i was pregnant. this would have been her 1st too. i had a bit of a hard time too, i didnt talk much about my belly because i didnt want her too feel any worse...she didnt ever touch my belly til right at the end cause it was too painful for her, but she did end up in the delivery room when i went into labor to help me out (which she had done with my 1st also). we didnt talk about it a lot, but i found the best thing was too just give her some extra love, and let her talk about it at her pace, and ask how she was doing and be a good listener if she did want to talk. she is now pregnant again, and has "fixed" what had gone wrong the previous times so we are really excited for this new little one! i hope you can have that happy ending too. miscarraige is a hard thing.

J. let me tell you from her perspective. I have delt with infertility for 21 years our entire marriage. we have adopted 5 children but the feeling never go away. She so desperately wants what you, seem to have so easliy. She is not angry at you, believe me. It sound as though you have a good relationship otherwise. I was the last one in both my husbands and my family to have any children and it was extremely hard watching everyone else get pregnant when I couldn't. She is overwhelmed by grief and yet she does not want pitty. that only makes it worse. She doesn't want anyone to "fix" the problem just a listening ear but at the same time she knows that no one can understand what she has gone through. Do cottle her and try to hide your excitement I'm sure she is genuinely happy for you but she needs to work through her own grief. But at the same time don't talk about your pregnany alot. talk about other subjects. when you talk about all your fears and stuff with your pregnancy all that does is amplify the fact that she is not pregnant and right now she doesn't need that. If she wants to talk about your pregnancy or her misscariages she wil bring up the subject. Don't offer hope like "don't worry it will happen soon" because you don't know that and it will only make her feel worse. Just let her know that maybe you don't understand but you can empathize that it must be very hard for her and let her know you will be there for her any time she needs. If you have any questions you can e-mail me. A good thing for her would be, and maybe you could help with this is to find someone who has gone through what she has gone through for her to talk to. I never had anyone like that and I know I really could have used it but I have been fortunate enough to be that person for many women. Good luck and just love her. J.

I want to say that I am sorry for your sister-in-law's loss. It is VERY difficult to miscarry...emotionally, physically, psychologically...you are never the same...I lost 4 times...all right as the second trimester started!!! It is so over-whelmingly awful!!! And, no, you do NOT want to hear one word of complaint or joy out of another pregnant woman's mouth...esp. after you just lost your baby & would give anything to feel that same complaint or joy that the other woman is feeling. I was truely happy for my friends but, I couldn't bare to hear them chatter on about morning sickness, feeling the baby kick, etc. this may seems selfish to some people...mainly those who haven't miscarried...you can truely NEVER know what it feels like unless you have been there!!! Selfish or not, this is just how a person feels when they miscarry! So, my advice to you is to tell her how very sorry you are for her loss, you are there if she ever wants to discuss her feelings (sounds to me like she wants to keep it to herself...I wanted to share my loss with whoever I felt would support me & this helped me, personally, in the grieving process...but, everyone grieves differently & we must respect that!), and then find other friends whom you can share your joy & complaints of pregnancy with. I don't know what pieces of advice from my letter or other people's letters you will follow but, PLEASE do not try to force her to talk about it if she doesn't want to & DO NOT "tell her however they need to work on getting rid of these horrid feelings of loss of their children from the past. Let her know that she needs to rekindle with her husband...etc" If anyone, friend, sister-in-law, or mother said those things to me after miscarring...I would be EXTREMELY hurt to say the least...saying those things are NONE of your business!!! How your sister-in-law & brother deal with the losses is THEIR business...you are there to offer support not tell them how to handle their emotions!!! I can not believe a person who has miscarried suggested that you say those things to your sister-in-law...those are some of the most insinsitive things I have ever heard! I mean it is one thing to have a complete stranger or not so close friend say, "Oh, you are young, you still have time." "When are you going to have a baby?" "it just wasn't meant to be" "You are too stressed out" "There was something wrong with the baby, it's better this way" You can forgive their ignorance. However, a close friend or relative should only be saying, "I am so sorry for your loss, I am here for you." Now if someone out there miscarries & they truely ask for emotional or psychological help then and only then can you give it...buy a book for them about miscarriage...there are so many different types...medical ones, explaining why it may be happening; support ones, stories from various women & men (they experience the loss too..do not forget to tell your brother how very sorry you are for his loss as well!); religious ones, offering prayer & meditations for grieving parents. So many choices. I do however agree with the spa idea...buy her a spa gift certificate & say, "I know you are going through a tough time and I am here for you & this is my little way of showing you how much you and my brother mean to me!" Do not give her the card & say, "This is so you can relax & therefore be less stressed in order to get pregnant again"
I wanted to pound people in the face when they said "don't be stressed" during any of my pregnancies...I am fortuanate that I do also have 4 beautiful, healthy children...but, during their pregnancies I worried EVER single day for their survival...you can't change that...you miscarry, you see pregnancy in a whole new way...not a happy, joyful thing.It is scary & you are nervous every day until you hold your prescious miracle in your arms!!! Ok, I rambled enough. Please feel free to e-mail with any questions or advice. I have felt it all, heard it all, etc. And please do not take it personally if she isn't all giddy wanting to hold your new baby...in time she will heal & she will want to be around your kids again...but, let it be on her "healing" time clock...it is HARD to recover from loss!!!

I'd take her lead - this must be so much harder for her than you can imagine since not only are your pregnant but is sounds like there was some overlap in pregnancy. Please be there for her but don't expect her support and such right now. Imagine if you lost three kids in one year how heartbroken you would be. In time she'll be able to adjust - but it may take a long time.

J.:

It seems to me that there are hard feelings because you are pregnant and your sister-n-law is not and hasn't been able to successfully have a baby. There seems to be tension due to the miscarriages and her not wanting to face the feelings that she needs to.

My thought is to pray about it and really work hard at knowing that even if she is resistant to you right now, in time, it will all work itself out. She seems frustrated at the fact that you are having a little one and she doesn't yet.

I would gently offer her advice on how you and your husband did not tell anyone that you were expecting until well into the pregnancy. Let her know that she is loved and will soon have a baby if they keep trying. Tell her however they need to work on getting rid of those horrid feelings of the loss of their children from the past. This way, they can go into a new situation of having a new baby with great feelings of love and caring and not be so scared to death that THIS baby will miscarry. Stress could be a factor in the miscarriages. Your sister seems extremely busy and maybe a little stress relief would be a great way to get her and her husband back on track to having kids again.

I know it's the holidays and many people just want to stay at home, but maybe the 2 of them should be spontaneous and go for a vacation away to some tropical place and enjoy each other while they heal together. I know that my husband and I did not see eye to eye and I did not even want my husband to touch me after I miscarried. It's h*** o* the person who carries the baby and the husband.

Let her know that she needs to rekindle with her husband and talk with him about the situation and maybe lay off of the topic as far as getting pregnant again until they are emotionally ready.

Also, offer to your brother that your sister-in-law needs a spa day and have him give them spa day gifts together. This will also help reconnect the marriage and the healing process will begin.

I'm sure this is an emotional roller-coaster for the whole family as I know it was after we miscarried. Just try to give her space and let your brother take care of her at this time. Offer suggestions to him on how he can help her cope-and things that will help them both cope.

As for you confronting her, don't. Just tell her that you love her and that her time will come when it is the right time. Let her know that you still need her help with your kids and that the wait for another child will definitely pay off in the long run because she is a great Aunt and she will be a great mom when that time is right.

I hope this helps. I'm sort of a rambler, but understand both sides of the issue.

Hope all works out and keep me posted.

Kim B.

I tend to think that she might be a little bit envious of you as well as still hurting over her loss. She might feel like you are rubbing it in when you are innocently talking about your pregnancy.
If I were you I would ask her in a caring way if she feels uncomfortable when you talk about it. And let her know if she needs to talk about her feelings she has an ear and a shoulder if she needs it.
If you are uncomfortable talking to her about, it then avoid the subject until she brings it up. If she starts talking about her feelings, let her.
Hope this helps.
K.

I would be really open and send her an email or a card or letter and sort of tell her what you told us, "I'm afraid I may have hurt your feelings and I didn't mean to..." and explain...

I think the more open and honest you are with those you love, the better.

You clearly didn't do anything intentional if you feel so bad about it.

Take care,
S

Talking to you about your pregnancy is about the hardest thing she could do. She is trying hard not to be mad at you because your baby is fine and hers aren't, but she cannot find it in her right now to be happy for you. Expect the birth of your baby to be even worse on her. Once she gets pregnant and is able to carry her child successfully, it will probably get easier for her, but right now she is probably dealing with too much. Half of it is probably just fear that she'll never be able to have kids, and confusion about why this is happening to her. Try to share details and such elsewhere and just be there for her. Talk about other things unless she brings up your pregnancy, and remember how to have a conversation with her that is not dominated by your new baby. This same thing has happened twice in my family with 2 sisters getting pregnant at the same time and only one baby making it. In one case, she got pregnant again shortly after and everything was fine, but in the other case, she still gets very upset every year at the time that her baby would have been born and finds it very hard to attend the living child's birthday parties.

Hello,

As a woman who had multiple miscarriages, multiple failed IVF's and just a difficult time getting pregnant, I totally understand where your sis in law is. My sister and sis in law were having babies left and right. My husband and I tried for 10 years before the little girl I have today "stuck" - we used superglue. I was miserable around family and my pregnant, new moms around me. I hated going to baby showers, I hated talking about my IVF problems, miscarriages, etc. I hated all of it because I felt like I was failing as a woman....my family gave me my much needed space and let me grieve, and talked about other things, always letting me know, if I did want to talk about the hard stuff, they were there for me. And in the end, the only person in my family I talked to was my sister. Everyone else kept telling me it was going to be okay, I could adopt, blah, blah, blah. My sister was the only one who I could hear that stuff from - I was more tolerant of her I guess - still am.

I would still call, email, but for me I didn't want to rehash it in every conversation. Let her grieve. Now, 5 years later and with a heart operation to stop me from getting pregnant ever again, I can talk about it. The issue has been closed for me - I'm NOT allowed to have any more children (I wanted 4 kids and I got 1 VERY special girl).

Take care and enjoy your family - definitely don't complain about them to your sis in law.

Positively,
M.

I would let her lead in the area of talking about your pregnancy. I had a friend who lost her first pregnancy after trying for years to get pregnant. She said it was hard to see other women who were pregnant because it was a constant reminder of what she wanted, but had lost. Your sister-in-law is probably struggling with the same issue. She probably doesn't begrudge your happiness. But talking about it is a constant reminder of her sadness.

You can't avoid the topic of your famiy life, but if you are talking about it and she tries to change the subject, let her do it. She is going through a hard time and needs to deal with it on her terms.

Your sister-in-law is probably extremely frustrated by not being able to get pregnant herself, and trust me, I know, it's very difficult to be around pregnant people when you want so badly to be pregnant yourself. When she was pregnant, you had a connection, but now that she's trying again and you're successfully carrying your fourth, she's probably not into discussing pregnancy the way you were when she was pregnant too. That connection is gone now and you've got to find something else to connect on. Maybe try to keep your communications brief and ask her how she's doing with her job or whatever and talk about things other than children.... Infertility is a very emotional and frustrating experience and not something you can really understand unless you've been there. But you can be there for her, of course, if and when she's ready to talk.

Hi J.,
Many times we do overthink things.

In the body of your letter to us, you answered your question.

Call her and tell her you feel terrible that your communication is much less, you don't want to lose her friendship and certainly don't want to be insensitive talking about your children and pregnancy.

Understand because she has had two miscarriages any personal fears expressed by you is very upsetting for her as she wishes to be in your shoes.

All friendships have boundaries. Perhaps thru this talk with her you'll come to realize that she really is not ready to hear about issues with your children but is perfectly willing to talk about other things. You may have to find someone else to share those particular issues.

Personal realtionships are too valuable to lose. Call her; notice I said call her, not email ^j^

Happy holidays. E.

I miscarried twice while trying to have my first. It is very hard and you start feeling like it's just not going to happen for you. (It did; I have 3 lovely children now)

It's funny, but when you go through something like that you don't neccessarily end up turning to the people you think you would. You go where you find the most comfort; notice I didn't say sympathy or understanding. Remember, we all grieve in very different ways. Give her the chance to grieve her way.

Also, it is near impossible to share this experience long distance.

Be a friend by respecting her need for distance from you on this subject. That does not mean distance from you on everything. Find other topics to discuss. And, yes, find another outlet for baby/child talk. When you are craving a baby and it's not happening you really don't want to hear how hard it is for thoise who actually are blessed with a family.

Yes, walk on egg shells. Doesn't she deserve it?

I lost a child 3 years ago. I find that honesty is the response that I most want from people. It might be good to just gently tell her that you know this is hard for her and is she wants to talk about it you are open to that but that if she doesn't that's ok, too. Let her know that it's ok for her not to want to hear about your children and your pregnancy. That doesn't make her a bad person. It just is part of the grieving process. Let her know that when she needs to she can share anything with you. And be honest that you don't know what to say to her. Ask her if she thinks you are being insensitive. Ask her what she needs from you. Grief is a crazy thing. It makes us act in ways we don't even understand. But, when we are grieving we need someone to tell us it's OK.

I dealt with infertilty for 3 years before I conceived so I can tell you the fewer reminders one has of not having children the better. That includes even avoiding people you love who have kids -- it is absolutely not personal.

Now that I have two kids and a friend who has not conceived in 4 years I can also sympathize with wanting to continue the same level of contact and the difficulty of not referring to your kids. My friend said she didn't mind hearing about my kids and that lots of her friends have kids, but my believing it has clearly taken its toll on her (and she was isolating herself more from friends esp. those with kids) and now I regret the pain I realize I've caused her. Pictures are the worst, by the way, from my recollection of my time B.C. (before children). I feel for your dilemma and ambivalence and desire to stay close. However, I would try to focus more on other people in my life for now, unless of course she is trying to contact you. I know it is not easy. Take care, and good luck.

I have a few friends who experienced at least 1 miscarriage. And then there is me...all my husband has to do is look at me and I'm pregnant. I would try at all costs to avoid talking about babies and pregnancy to those friends, because I felt so guilty for what I had that they couldn't have. I talked with one of my (above mentioned) friends about this and she told me not to feel guilty, that she was genuinely happy for me but that it was just hard for her. Since then, I still don't throw my good fortune in their faces, but I let them decide when they are ready to talk about those things. And if I mention my kids, I don't dwell on the subject. Good luck!!

I have never personally had a miscarriage, but I think I can imagine how I might feel. My suggestion would be to let her bring up the pregnancy related things and keep stories about the kids to a minimum. I know how as mommys we all want to share with others, particularly family what our little ones are doing, but my guess is that it is just one more reminder of her miscarriages. I would stick to letting her know the important things like when you have the baby (unless of course she brings it up). My guess is she needs a break from child related conversation. I don't think you need to avoid many other topics, but I would give kids a break for a while. Give her time to heal. She will tell you when she's ready to talk about them again. I also think things will get a little better after you have the baby. It sounds as if the two of you have had a fairly close relationship. My guess is that since the two of you were supposed to be pregnant at the same time (and I'm guessing have the babies fairly close together) that your being pregnant is just one more painful reminder for her. It will just take some time.

Hi J..

It definitely sounds like you're in a tough spot. Everyone handles loss differently and it's always difficult for others to know how to stay connected without crossing any lines. I suggest letting her know where you're at with being unsure about things and feeling bad that you're not as in touch as you used to be. I would also ask her straight out what she feels about your discussions. Would she prefer that you not talk about what's going on in your life with the pregnancy and the kids, etc., and really encourage her to be honest? She may say that it's all fine, but if so, hopefully you can read between the lines, if necessary. Overall, I might limit what you say about the pregnancy though.

Good luck!

Give her lots of room and let her lead the way in your relationship. Unless you've miscarried, it's impossible to know how someone feels when they lose a pregnancy and child. It probably is best to find someone else to talk to about your fears and give your SIL some room. I didn't speak to my sister for about 6 months when I miscarried and she was pregnant. It was just too hard to think about her healthy baby growing inside her while I had lost my child. After my first miscarriage, there was also the fear that I'd never be able to have my own natural child. I've never been against adoption, but there was still the strong desire for a natural child with my husband. I now have a beautiful little girl, but have miscarried again since she was born. My husband and I would like to have more than one child, and the concern remains that she'll be our only natural.

Miscarriage is very personal and maybe one of the best ways to keep communication open with your SIL is just to ask her what she wants. If she wants to know about your pregnancy and be excited about her new neice/nephew, then let her know the great new things going on. If she says it's too hard, then give her space and ask her about everything else in her life and tell her about everything else in yours.