23 answers

How Do I Comfort a Mom Who Just Miscarried?

Well my best friend called me up the other week to let me know she was 4 weeks pregnant(this is her first pregnancy). I was really excited and told her that I would be sending her a pregnancy goody package in the mail. Well last night she found out she was miscarrying and is quite sad about it. I still want to send her something to let her know that I love her and am thinking about her. Does anyone have any suggestions?

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I miscarried almost a year ago. I didn't like it when people would tell me sorry and baby me. I wanted people there and to know I was not alone. But at first I wasn't ready to talk about it. I recieved gifts, and appreciated them, but I really didn't want anything to remind me of the misscarriage. So I kept them out of sight, not out of rudeness but because I was not ready to deal with it at first. My best advice is to be there when she is ready to talk. And when you do talk/hang-out with her talk of other things unless she brings it up. My mom did that for me. She would talk to me on the phone about all the postives that were going on and what we could do that week. And when I was ready I opened up. So I hope this helps!

I had a miscarriage a couple months ago in my 13th week. The best thing someone sent me was a gift certificate to a spa so I could get out of the house (where I'd cry) and have some time to myself, away from everyone.

More Answers

I'm so sorry to hear about your friends loss. My best friend went through a miscarriage over a year ago (and sadly hasn't been able to get pregnant again) and I know how heartbreaking it is to have a friend go through that. Having miscarried my first pregnancy, I know there is nothing you can say or do other than to say you're sorry and offer your shoulder to cry on and ear to listen.

Send her some flowers or a small gift with a note stating just what you said - you love her, am thinking about her and offer her your shoulder/ear. She may want to talk about it, she might not, but just knowing that you truly care is what makes a difference. Let her know you're there whenever, if ever, she needs you!

She's lucky to have such a great friend.

N.,

As a woman who has miscarried myself, the most helpful thing for me would not have been a care package but time with my best friend in the coffee shop just to grieve and let someone listen to my plight. So many people do not know what to say or do after something like this and the couple who miscarry just feel like it makes others uncomfortable so they essential deal with it in silence. Ultimately it just feels like it never happened because no one ever talks about it despite how deeply it wounded you. I would also encourage you to know I was not resentful of my friends who had children so don't carry that burden with you. Just listening is the best thing you can do for her and being sensitive and asking questions helps. I remember we miscarried very early on and people kept saying at least we did not have time to get used to the idea of being pregnant. Actually, we had been trying for 11 months so we had a long time to hope for it. The one year aniversary just came up and while I really wanted to spend the day with my mom she had other things planned. If you can try to remember the anniversary and just let your girlfriend know you are thinking of her that day it will make her feel like what she went thru did actually happen and you care about her and her suffering. A miscarriage is VERY difficult because it will change how she is able to view all future pregnancies (ie with fear and constant evaluation about all that she does and whether that is what caused the miscarriage or not). Just give her time - your time and your listening ear. It was the best thing my best friend gave me. One other suggestion, I often wondered what the baby would have been like and was it a boy or girl and my best freind asked me those things when no one else did and although it was difficult, I felt safe talking to her about it. It gave the idea of the baby more than just "how many weeks along we were" when we lost it.
SIncerely,
K.

Hi N., I know that your friend is feeling sad. I had a miscarriage the first time I was pregnant after trying for 8 months. I was 8 weeks along and 5 days before my first appointment. It is a hard thing to understand. But I was able to have 2 other normal pregnacies infact the last one I had twins(full term). Just tell your friend that you are sorry to hear the news and if you feel sad it is ok to tell her that. Tell her that you are there if she needs a friend to talk, cry or vent. Do let her know that she did nothing wrong and unfortunately sometimes it does happen. Please don't tell her that you know what she feels (unless you have had a miscarriage) or that it is God's way of taking care of a problem with the child. Both of these remarks really don't help. If you want to send her something then send her something that will make her feel good about herself or make her laugh. It is ok to talk with her about the baby and possible future babies if she is ready or wants to talk. She will usually give you a clue when ready.

Hi, I am new to the board. My name is T. Joe, I am 29 and have a degree in biology. I have two children... and thank heavens that I have them because I have miscarried more times than I like to count. Even then my body serves the evicition notice at 33 weeks gestation.

Misscarriages are more normall than you would think. Aproximitly 1/3 of all pregnancies miscarry with in the first trimester. Many happen before people even accept that they may be pregnant. So, this does not mean there is anything wrong with your friend. Often it is a sign there was something wrong with the pregnancy, poor attachment... there are thousands of differnt reasons... but I would recomend she be checked out just in case.

In my case I found out later that I had uterine polups. Her Dr. may want to do a D & C -> which really means scrape and collect. IF HER DR. DOES THIS she will need someone to drive her to and from the Dr. and take care of her for awhile and she will want some apin killers and dang good ones. This is a invaluable proceedure but HOLY COW it hurts. So she will need someone to bring over a few meals, etc.

As far as being a friend all you can do is love on her. Take her out to lunch or soda and just let her talk about her feelings. She was abviosly excited to be pregnant... so encourage her to give it a bit of time (use protection) for at lest three months to give her body a chance to heal. If she tries right away after a miscarriage she is likely to have more problems, just like with anything.

I personally like getting pregnant in the fall so I deliver in the spring and do not have to suffer through summer pregnant.

I hope this helps

I have miscarried twice and also have 2 living children. I miscarried once before each child. Just encourage her that she will get pregnant again (you are very fertile after a miscarriage). I didn't want to harp on it and appreciated friends that just talked with me once about it and told me that they knew it wouldn't be long before I would be pregnant again and that a miscarriage is usually b/c something would have been really wrong. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me or baby me over it. I would just send her some flowers or a plant and tell her you love her and are happy she is your friend!

Hi N.:

Sorry to hear about your friend's loss, being a friend who will listen and talk about everything else while occasionally making her laugh is a wonderful gift.
From someone who recently miscarried, let your friend know that you are there to listen to her when she needs to talk be that in a day or in 6 months. It has been 3 months for me and I find myself needing someone to talk to more now then when I miscarried. I fortunately have a friend who is willing to just listen to my insecurities and issues.
The most thoughtful gift I received was a small angel ornament from a co-worker. She had suffered 3 miscarriages and her mother had given her a crystal angel to remember each child by. At Christmas every year she hangs each angel on their family tree and explains to her two boys that they represent the three babies that are in heaven watching over them.
I am not a very religious person, but I found comfort in this idea. My ornament is still hanging on our Christmas tree.

I had a miscarriage approx 3 yrs ago. The hospital gave me a small remembrance box with a little prayer book and a place to put an ultrasound picture, but your friend may not have been far enough along to have recieved any pictures. It was a nice place to keep everything to remember the pregnancy. The other gift that I recieved was a small plant. It was a miniature rose bush that I enjoyed inside my house for a while, and then was able to plant outdoors. It was a nice gesture to know that someone was thinking of me. I also think that the idea of the book, something inspirational or about friendship, is a great idea!

I suggest just sending a card saying just that- "I am thinking of you." Early term miscarriages seem to be pretty common, and everyone seems to handle them differently. I know the words "I'm sorry" didnt' seem to help me during my time of loss- but hearing " I am here if you need me" meant a lot.
I also received several angel pins in the birthstone color for my son. He was born May 10th. The one that meant the most was actually sent from a total stranger-another mother who understood.

I went through two miscarriges, and the best gift I recieved was a frammed poem. I still have it, and it has been 15 years. I will treasure it forever! She is lucky to have a friend like you--always be available to listen. Check on her often!

One gift that I found very healing and helpful was a box. It was a beautiful box that was filled with calming herbal teas, a gorgeous candle on a holder, a journal and pen and a note. My friend told me that the tea was for me to take some quiet time for myself, I could burn the candle and remember my baby and the journal was for me to have a safe place to unload all my feelings. It was everything I needed to occasionally take some time for myself and focus on my healing. The baby I lost that time was at 19 weeks... but I imagine a similar set up would help your friend.

I got tons of sympathy cards and flowers... and they are nice. People in general often just dont know how to respond to a miscarraige.. especially an early one. Something that signifies that she is not alone and offers support or tools for coping will likely be the most helpful to your friend.

L.

I have a friend who has lost 5 babies before she finally was blessed with her #2. The best thing you can do for your friend is be there for her, let her vent, let her cry, let her let it all out. I had my friend call me at all hours of the day just to vent. My friend told me it was the best thing anyone ever did for her after a miscarriage. I didnt know her for the first few.

All the ideas that you have gotten are wonderful ideas. Just let her know you are there is the greatest gift. I suffered 2 miscarriages after 10 years of infertility. One of my friends got me books on grief and miscarriage. She wrote a wonderful note on the inside. She also gave me a plain gold band baby ring, I wore it on a necklace until I had my daughter. Now it has a special place in my jewelry box with the girls' rings.

Hi N.,
I am very sorry for your friends loss. I had two miscarriages before I was able to deliver our daughter (now 3). I took the loss very hard (I was 10 weeks along) and did lots of research on the internet. I was surprised at how common it was and since talking with friends found out how many had miscarriages themselves. I don't know if your friend lives close or not since you said you were mailing her a goody package, but my husband and I went out and purchased a take home outfit. Our first child did wear this outfit and it was a nice rememberance. You could always take your friend on a shopping trip. Also, I found just talking about it made me feel better. Finally, when the due date of the baby rolled around, someone suggested planting a tree. We didn't but it is a nice idea. Just some suggestions.

Did your friends doctor prescribe progesterone suppositories and baby aspirin? This is helps is the case where women have repeated miscarriages. I was put on this with a high-risk pregnancy as well as other people I know.

I had one about 3 years ago and it still effects me. However, I talked to my brother not to long after I had mine because I knew that my sister-in-law had one too. Something they did to help ease the pain was right a journal. They each added something to it that was written to the baby just about the pregnancy and how they would miss her. So anyway, if you want to send her something you could go out and by her a nice journal or something like that.

yes, i have a sister-n-law that recently miscarried from invetro-fertilization. ($10,000+) she was carrying twins, but lost the first one within a week of the process, then at 12 weeks the other baby died, but she didn't find out until her 14 week check-up. They were devistated...and wanted to have a baby soo bad.
They decided- rather than to abort, the baby- she delivered (him) and they held & kissed him, named him, and had a little baptism and funeral/burial for still born babies- it was free, and i did not know what to do or say, so i went online to this website www.labelledame.com and found some encouraging pendants, bracelets, etc. i also found a few nice poems. So what i did was, bought a little baby picture frame, with a place to put 3 pics or whatever you want and I typed his name, gestational age, date he was brought into the world and then typed up a couple of the poems, and put these in the frame and THEY LOVED IT!!!!
it's something they can set in/on thier furniture or in a room or hang to remember and keep him close to thier heart forever!

i googled miscarriage and thats how i found that website.
Good luck!
Hope this helps,
R.

I just went through this with my best friend. I sent her a book about friendship and a card about how much she meant to me- with just a line that told her to call when she was ready.

She told me it was the nicest, most thoughtful, and unobtrusive package she has received.

S.

I had a miscarriage a couple months ago in my 13th week. The best thing someone sent me was a gift certificate to a spa so I could get out of the house (where I'd cry) and have some time to myself, away from everyone.

I think that is so kind of you to want to send her something. I would say send her some of her fav things, lotion, candle, goodies...Just being there and listening when she needs to talk is the best thing.
Your a great friend.
A.

I miscarried about 3 years ago and for me I preferred not to talk about it for the first month or so. Really all I wanted to do was to be held. I think that it really depends on the person, but when your first pregnancy miscarries, as mine did also, all you can think is "will I be able to have another child" so if you do talk about it let her know how common it is, and that all it means is that the child had something wrong with it and a miscarriage was the best thing. But I would be very careful at first but in time and as she talks to you just be there for her, that's the best thing that you could do for her.

From my experience having 3 miscarriages, I really wanted to know everything I could on why this happened, how/if it could be prevented and what I could do next time I got pregnant. I think a good pregnancy book like "your pregnancy, week by week" would be a nice thing to send her. They have chapters on miscarriage and preparing for pregnancy that can be very comforting and encouraging.

I miscarried almost a year ago. I didn't like it when people would tell me sorry and baby me. I wanted people there and to know I was not alone. But at first I wasn't ready to talk about it. I recieved gifts, and appreciated them, but I really didn't want anything to remind me of the misscarriage. So I kept them out of sight, not out of rudeness but because I was not ready to deal with it at first. My best advice is to be there when she is ready to talk. And when you do talk/hang-out with her talk of other things unless she brings it up. My mom did that for me. She would talk to me on the phone about all the postives that were going on and what we could do that week. And when I was ready I opened up. So I hope this helps!

You have heard a lot of great ideas. Another idea if she has any ultrasound pictures is in scrapbooking/ craft stores they have scrapbox page frames and you could maybe get one of those for her to put her ultrasound pic(s) in and I love the spa gift certificate idea. I wish my friends and family would have read this board and done this stuff for me when I had mine recently. Also the journal is great. I think the most important thing is acknowledging it is a loss & being there for her. Best wishes

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