November 03, 2009,
N.G. asks from Omaha, NE on January 08, 2008
How Do I Comfort a Mom Who Just Miscarried?
Well my best friend called me up the other week to let me know she was 4 weeks pregnant(this is her first pregnancy). I was really excited and told her that I would be sending her a pregnancy goody package in the mail. Well last night she found out she was miscarrying and is quite sad about it. I still want to send her something to let her know that I love her and am thinking about her. Does anyone have any suggestions?
2 moms found this helpful
A.G. answers from Salt Lake City on January 09, 2008
I miscarried almost a year ago. I didn't like it when people would tell me sorry and baby me. I wanted people there and to know I was not alone. But at first I wasn't ready to talk about it. I recieved gifts, and appreciated them, but I really didn't want anything to remind me of the misscarriage. So I kept them out of sight, not out of rudeness but because I was not ready to deal with it at first. My best advice is to be there when she is ready to talk. And when you do talk/hang-out with her talk of other things unless she brings it up. My mom did that for me. She would talk to me on the phone about all the postives that were going on and what we could do that week. And when I was ready I opened up. So I hope this helps!
A.Y. answers from Boise on January 09, 2008
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K.D. answers from Salt Lake City on January 08, 2008
I'm so sorry to hear about your friends loss. My best friend went through a miscarriage over a year ago (and sadly hasn't been able to get pregnant again) and I know how heartbreaking it is to have a friend go through that. Having miscarried my first pregnancy, I know there is nothing you can say or do other than to say you're sorry and offer your shoulder to cry on and ear to listen.
Send her some flowers or a small gift with a note stating just what you said - you love her, am thinking about her and offer her your shoulder/ear. She may want to talk about it, she might not, but just knowing that you truly care is what makes a difference. Let her know you're there whenever, if ever, she needs you!
She's lucky to have such a great friend.
K.M. answers from Lansing on January 09, 2008
As a woman who has miscarried myself, the most helpful thing for me would not have been a care package but time with my best friend in the coffee shop just to grieve and let someone listen to my plight. So many people do not know what to say or do after something like this and the couple who miscarry just feel like it makes others uncomfortable so they essential deal with it in silence. Ultimately it just feels like it never happened because no one ever talks about it despite how deeply it wounded you. I would also encourage you to know I was not resentful of my friends who had children so don't carry that burden with you. Just listening is the best thing you can do for her and being sensitive and asking questions helps. I remember we miscarried very early on and people kept saying at least we did not have time to get used to the idea of being pregnant. Actually, we had been trying for 11 months so we had a long time to hope for it. The one year aniversary just came up and while I really wanted to spend the day with my mom she had other things planned. If you can try to remember the anniversary and just let your girlfriend know you are thinking of her that day it will make her feel like what she went thru did actually happen and you care about her and her suffering. A miscarriage is VERY difficult because it will change how she is able to view all future pregnancies (ie with fear and constant evaluation about all that she does and whether that is what caused the miscarriage or not). Just give her time - your time and your listening ear. It was the best thing my best friend gave me. One other suggestion, I often wondered what the baby would have been like and was it a boy or girl and my best freind asked me those things when no one else did and although it was difficult, I felt safe talking to her about it. It gave the idea of the baby more than just "how many weeks along we were" when we lost it.
L.K. answers from Omaha on January 10, 2008
Hi N., I know that your friend is feeling sad. I had a miscarriage the first time I was pregnant after trying for 8 months. I was 8 weeks along and 5 days before my first appointment. It is a hard thing to understand. But I was able to have 2 other normal pregnacies infact the last one I had twins(full term). Just tell your friend that you are sorry to hear the news and if you feel sad it is ok to tell her that. Tell her that you are there if she needs a friend to talk, cry or vent. Do let her know that she did nothing wrong and unfortunately sometimes it does happen. Please don't tell her that you know what she feels (unless you have had a miscarriage) or that it is God's way of taking care of a problem with the child. Both of these remarks really don't help. If you want to send her something then send her something that will make her feel good about herself or make her laugh. It is ok to talk with her about the baby and possible future babies if she is ready or wants to talk. She will usually give you a clue when ready.
T.J. answers from Boise on January 09, 2008
Hi, I am new to the board. My name is T. Joe, I am 29 and have a degree in biology. I have two children... and thank heavens that I have them because I have miscarried more times than I like to count. Even then my body serves the evicition notice at 33 weeks gestation.
Misscarriages are more normall than you would think. Aproximitly 1/3 of all pregnancies miscarry with in the first trimester. Many happen before people even accept that they may be pregnant. So, this does not mean there is anything wrong with your friend. Often it is a sign there was something wrong with the pregnancy, poor attachment... there are thousands of differnt reasons... but I would recomend she be checked out just in case.
In my case I found out later that I had uterine polups. Her Dr. may want to do a D & C -> which really means scrape and collect. IF HER DR. DOES THIS she will need someone to drive her to and from the Dr. and take care of her for awhile and she will want some apin killers and dang good ones. This is a invaluable proceedure but HOLY COW it hurts. So she will need someone to bring over a few meals, etc.
As far as being a friend all you can do is love on her. Take her out to lunch or soda and just let her talk about her feelings. She was abviosly excited to be pregnant... so encourage her to give it a bit of time (use protection) for at lest three months to give her body a chance to heal. If she tries right away after a miscarriage she is likely to have more problems, just like with anything.
I personally like getting pregnant in the fall so I deliver in the spring and do not have to suffer through summer pregnant.
I hope this helps
A.G. answers from Salt Lake City on January 09, 2008
I have miscarried twice and also have 2 living children. I miscarried once before each child. Just encourage her that she will get pregnant again (you are very fertile after a miscarriage). I didn't want to harp on it and appreciated friends that just talked with me once about it and told me that they knew it wouldn't be long before I would be pregnant again and that a miscarriage is usually b/c something would have been really wrong. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me or baby me over it. I would just send her some flowers or a plant and tell her you love her and are happy she is your friend!
L.M. answers from Milwaukee on January 08, 2008
Sorry to hear about your friend's loss, being a friend who will listen and talk about everything else while occasionally making her laugh is a wonderful gift.
From someone who recently miscarried, let your friend know that you are there to listen to her when she needs to talk be that in a day or in 6 months. It has been 3 months for me and I find myself needing someone to talk to more now then when I miscarried. I fortunately have a friend who is willing to just listen to my insecurities and issues.
The most thoughtful gift I received was a small angel ornament from a co-worker. She had suffered 3 miscarriages and her mother had given her a crystal angel to remember each child by. At Christmas every year she hangs each angel on their family tree and explains to her two boys that they represent the three babies that are in heaven watching over them.
I am not a very religious person, but I found comfort in this idea. My ornament is still hanging on our Christmas tree.
S.M. answers from Omaha on January 08, 2008
I had a miscarriage approx 3 yrs ago. The hospital gave me a small remembrance box with a little prayer book and a place to put an ultrasound picture, but your friend may not have been far enough along to have recieved any pictures. It was a nice place to keep everything to remember the pregnancy. The other gift that I recieved was a small plant. It was a miniature rose bush that I enjoyed inside my house for a while, and then was able to plant outdoors. It was a nice gesture to know that someone was thinking of me. I also think that the idea of the book, something inspirational or about friendship, is a great idea!
S.S. answers from Omaha on January 09, 2008
I suggest just sending a card saying just that- "I am thinking of you." Early term miscarriages seem to be pretty common, and everyone seems to handle them differently. I know the words "I'm sorry" didnt' seem to help me during my time of loss- but hearing " I am here if you need me" meant a lot.
I also received several angel pins in the birthstone color for my son. He was born May 10th. The one that meant the most was actually sent from a total stranger-another mother who understood.