Help with a Weird Situation

Updated on March 04, 2011
J.M. asks from Fox River Grove, IL
11 answers

Ok I feel like I am in high school posting this problem but here it goes. I bartend at a small non-corporate ,very casual restaurant at night. I have a degree and am working towards my master's degree but I chose not to put my youngest in daycare so I work nights, my husband works days. I have been working at this restaurant for almost 2 years. Everything was great until a few months ago. For whatever the reason my manager - who is also the girlfriend of the owner so there is no going over her to talk to anyone else -seems to be targeting me. Everyone there knows she has no tact and snaps at people constantly and she has done it to me one too many times. She yells at me for the most random things, refilling condiments on the “wrong” table (which was never communicated), tipping out bussers extra money above the tip pool (which I feel is my right but she told me I am not allowed) etc. She is 40 years old and seriously is the most miserable person I have ever met. I can HONESTLY say that I do MORE work than 90% of the people who work there, I am never late, I really am a great employee. Every other bartender, server and the one other manager will vouch that I am a total team player and I get along with everyone. I have seen other great employees (always girls, usually ones who are educated and have their lives together) get fired because she seems to be on a mission to get rid of them. She drinks while working so some days she is sweet as pie and other days a raging B*TCH. Last week she yelled at me in front of everyone (like she always does to people, never tactfully pulls them aside) and I couldn't take it anymore so I just looked away and sighed said "whatever" and continued to work. I know, not the best response but I can't stand the way she treats people and I have been pushed to my breaking point. I am 30 years old and this is catty drama to me since her animosity cannot possibly be about my work performance even if she tries to say it is. I now have to go in early to “have a talk” with her about my behavior. I was a manager for 7 years and am fully aware that saying “whatever” to her was insubordination but I am not sure I can go in there and kiss butt and pretend that I am sorry for my response. The reason I have not just quit is because I am starting my own business in about 4 mos so I don’t want to start a new job only to quit after just a few months. What would you mamas do? How do I handle this “meeting” today?

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S.B.

answers from Houston on

I would request that the owner be present as well. If not, get another manager to be present. Do NOT go into a meeting alone with her. You need to have a witness to this "meeting". If she asks you to sign any type of discipinary action do NOT. That is admitting that you agree with whatever is on the paper. Have her write "refused to sign". Get a copy and respond to any allegations that are in this corrective action. Be professional and non confrontational. I would not apologize for the whatever comment. You can get around that but again be professional and non confrontational. If she becomes hostile or unprofessional, cut the meeting short.

Document document document!!! If she fires you, you can give documentation to the Unemployment board. Also, if other employees will sign statements to her behavior I would get those as well. Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful

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M.V.

answers from New York on

Sorry if I'm repeating, but my first thought was that you should request that the owner be present for the meeting, too. Contact him directly, if necessary. It might be an eye-opening experience for him. Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful

L.W.

answers from Detroit on

I would ask to meet with both her and the owner so that way she can not twist anything that is said. I would apologize for the part that you played in the situation and then I would say to both of them that you enjoy your job and the people you work with I would look at her and ask have you ever done anything to her and allow her to understand that you are uncomfortable in the manner that she will speak to you at times even in front of customers. She may think you want her man!

2 moms found this helpful
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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

You may be dealing with someone with an alcohol problem, so it's quite possible that any advice/strategy/tactics will fall on deaf ears.
I'd just be honest--apologize for the flippant remark, re-state your dedication to your job and pass her the ball.

1 mom found this helpful
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M.R.

answers from Chicago on

The idea of asking both managers to attend the meeting is a good one. Also, I'd ask her for specific examples of any behaviors she may accuse you of during the meeting. Also, it's not just her meeting to address your behavior either. Since she wants to talk, why don't you bring some talking points of your own. Think about them in advance, make a list (with examples). When you go in, be upbeat "I'm glad you wanted to talk to me today. I've wanted to talk to you too."

Good luck. Let us know how it went!

1 mom found this helpful
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K.I.

answers from Oklahoma City on

well if she fired you at least you will be able to get nonemplyment check for the next few months..

1 mom found this helpful
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R.J.

answers from Salt Lake City on

I would go in and offer up your apology for the "whatever" then in some way without insulting her ask that if she needs something or if she feels you have done something wrong that she not yell or belittle you in front of customers or co workers, that it makes them and you uncomfortable- I think the mediator idea is a good one she doesnt sound like the kind of woman you can trust. Good luck

L.M.

answers from Dover on

Hard to know until you see what she has to say.

Go to the meeting, be completely professional. If/when she brings up your "whatever" comment, tell her that you are sorry that you responded so unprofessionally but felt if you said anything else it would have caused an argument and a bigger scene.

In the course of the conversation, touch on the following: Ask her that if she has a problem with you, that she address it in a more private setting....the rule of thumb should always be "praise in public, correct in private". Explain to her that although you are an employee you are also a mature, responsible adult and would like to be treated that way.

I just read the other comments and I agree that maybe someone (owner, maybe) could be present.

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J.S.

answers from Boston on

Oh that sucks. I worked in retail dining for many years, and then was an admin assistant when I started at my current company and constantly ran up against the type of person you are describing. Miserable people with no opportunities of their own seem to take out their misery on those who are happy or on the onward and upward track.

Given that you already have an exit strategy in place, I would just grin and bear it and say whatever you have to say to smooth this over and keep your job. Yes her to death, apologize even though you have nothing to apologize for and just play contrite employee. You'll be outta there and in a much better place soon enough - grin and bear it for a few more months to get what you need out of the situation and then leave in good standing with your head held high!

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K.P.

answers from New York on

Honestly- I would love to think that I would go in there and let her have a piece of my mind, but in all reality, I would probably just apologize for blowing her off and go to work. No, I'm not a push-over and generally this behavior would make me insane, but you're not going to win this one.

Her boyfriend is the owner, so you know which way the pendulum will swing on this one. Not only that, you have a set "end date" at which time you can tell her to "kiss it" and walk out. If you do it now, you may very well get canned on the spot for the insubordination and be w/o income for the next four months!

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

Sounds like my husband's boss. I think she's insecure and/or she's insecure in her relationship and thinks you are a threat. I think it would be wise to have a joint meeting, or meet with the owner, too. I would also request any disciplinary action or results of the meeting to be given to you in writing, but only sign if you are in agreement.

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