Help with 4 1/2 Yr Old Boy Who Will NOT Potty Train

Hello,

I know there have been several responses suggesting that getting upset is not a good idea. I have to agree. I know of a girl who did not fully potty train until about 6 years old because her mother got mad at her when she messed up. When someone else helped her and kindly explained things to her, she didn't resist nearly as much. It didn't change over night, but she did finally potty train.

I know it is the hardest thing to keep your cool when all you feel like doing is screaming, but it is so important. When you want to yell or get upset it may help to think that if you do it will end up taking longer for him to get it right. That might be enough incentive for you to keep an even temper, but still let him know that we go in the toilet and not our pants.

good luck, I know it is hard as I am currently trying to potty train a little one myself. We'll both get through it. :)

He may not be ready yet. I know that's frustrating but my oldest, who's a little delayed in some areas took forever to train. He was over five. When he finally did learn, there were no accidents. You're right getting mad does no good. I think with all the family problems that you should just let it go for a little while, that's what I did, and then try again. If he's even a little bit constipated he may have trouble sitting to go. He may feel like it's easier to stand to go. Good luck!!!

It does sound like you have had a difficult year! I have no idea if this will help, but one of my sons was driving me crazy with this same issue. I finally discovered that he just wanted privacy when he used the bathroom. As soon as I just walked away, the problem resolved itself. Good luck!

Potty training is one of the hardest things for young kids and parents. Some do it really easy while others it seems will never get it. But they all do eventually. I have had all sorts of different experiences with my first four and have one more to go. I would not make going potty a struggle, the more you struggle the longer it will take. Being able to potty is the last thing kids have absolute control over and with everything that has gone on in his and your lives the past year he is probably feeling like that is the only thing that he can control. I would not recommend bribery or taking toys or privleges away as this just makes him resentful and in my opinion sends the wrong message. I would make him responsible for cleaning himself, with help if needed and don't make a big deal out of it. Acting nonchalant helps him feel like ok no one is getting mad so maybe I should just go on the potty. Eventually he will get there. God bless you and your big family and good luck. : )

One other idea, though you have many awesome ones! When my own little guy was potty training, I discovered that he didn't like the feel of the underwear. I bought him a pair of boxers...and he loved wearing them, and was more willing to go to the bathroom. Where as before, I couldn't get him to wear the underpants, so he wouldn't sit on the toilet, because it was to easy to just do the duty in the pull up. Now that it has been over 1 year, he will wear the underwear if there is nothing else clean, but it took about 6 months before he would put on the underwear...and the boxers were plain, and the underwear was his favorite Disney brand....go figure!

My son is 3 and 1/2 and still not potty trained. He always pees in the toilet but never pooped. I understand how you feel because I am going through the same thing. He always poops in his pull-ups. Once he didn't poop for three days and when I asked hios doctor she said that I have to stop potty training him right away. I tried all kinds of treats. I even got him three diffrents potty toilets! Nothing seemed to work. I asked him why he doesn't want to use the potty to poop and he told that he was scared but does not know why. I think we just need to be patient and try again! Good luck and let me know who it goes with you.

My son was a late "bloomer" in the potty training area. He was almost 5 where as his sister woke up one day at 2 used the potty and never looked back. What I did is I explained to my son that school was coming up when he turned 5 and his teacher wouldn't change diapers at school, in fact they didn't allow diapers at school at all. It was a long summer for me, but having the goal to be a big kid and looking forward to school seemed to do the trick for him.

I like what Annie J said. I would drop the pull-ups and go to underwear. I did this with both of my kids, one boy and one girl, and it really is the best thing you can do for them. Pull-ups are a convenience for us mommies, but are really just glorified diapers. They are good when running errands when your child is not trained, but at home, I say stick with underwear. I would also take my kids to the restroom when we were out and about when they were wearing a pull-up. That way they didn't think that just because they had one on they could go in it. I even had my kids help put the poop in the potty and help clean their underwear when they went in them. I know it is frustrating, but this is something that kids really control, and they will if they see it bothers you.

i have a 4 1/2 year old who just barely got potty trained. THe thing that finally worked for him was switching to underwear in the day and only pullups at night. During the day(he too goes to preschool) he has to go sit on the potty when all the other children at school do. He got it down in about a week. every now and then he still has an accident, but not it's not that bad. good luck. my son is deaf so i think it just took him awhile to get caught up with everything.

Have you tried putting him straight into underwear. I have a sister that says pull ups for her kids were only diapers and confused them. It might help him to associate underwear with going potty in the toilet. Also it feels a lot more gross in underwear. Every kid is so different you might need to change it with him.

Hi C.! Wow - I'm sure you've been through it all with 7 kids so I'm not sure how much help I can be, but here's just a thought -

My niece is almost 4 1/2, is also speech delayed and is also a reluctant potty trainer. My sister-in-law tried all the tricks you are doing with few consistent results. She just learned that kids with speech delays are often late potty trainers as well.

It might comfort you to know that it might be a developmental thing rather than any kind of trick or method that you need to be doing. I encourage you to keep on with all the great things you are doing with the understanding that your 4 1/2 year old son just may not be developmentally ready yet.

Your speech therapist at the pre-school or an occupational therapist may be of help in this area.

best of all things to you and your family!

There was a book I read (25 yrs ago)I think it was called Potty train in a Day, or How to Potty train in a Day. Anyway, if you can get a copy it was the only useful potty training book I remember reading. I have potty trained 7 children, only 2 were boys, the oldest boy was 3 1/2, and there were no such things as pullups in those days. What I would do is put the little guy in Cloth diapers, they feel more like underwear on the skin, and like underwear they are VERY uncomfortable if the child goes pee or has a movement... Also, do not under any circumstances have anything negative associated with potty training. For every scolding, or punishment you will have to have 10 positive experiences to balance it out.
My oldest daughter thought she was the only person in the world who had to poop, I never did figure that one out. Maybe your son is thinking the same thing. There is a book for kids called Everyone Goes Poop. I also got a book for my grand daughter at Walmart that talks about using the potty & makes the sound of a flushing toilet.
~Abuelita Ramos

C.,

I am a B. and SAHM of 2. I think you have a leg up on me! I know that we only went through a fraction of what you've gone through this year, bless your heart. It is true, though that when we have even a slight change in our lifestyle, that most children will digress or stop potty training altogether. I'm sure that my story and yours are not exclusive. My daughter was potty trained at 18 months and when I gave birth to our son, she stopped. It's something that should never be forced. My husband tried to force her to go to the potty and it took me 2 more years to train her to not wear a diaper to bed at night. I think the correlation is not separate there. When we try to control them, the harder they fight to not be controlled. Just be patient with him and maybe just ignore the behavior for a little while. Since you have other siblings around who wear underwear, maybe buy him some really cool underwear or allow him to hang out with kids his own age who are potty trained. My son started wearing his underwear backwards because he saw another boy doing it. Peer pressure can be a great tool sometimes. I hope that I have said something that hasn't been done already. Hang in there, we're rooting for you. Just remember, he will be potty trained before he's 16!
-K. Littau
____@____.com
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My heart goes out to you-- my first son was very difficult to train and it was frustrating to see my peers be so much more successful than I. At least you know it is not your meathods scince you have been successful, but maybe he is enjoying being a baby with you. Maybe instead of treats his love language is time. Read to him while he is on the potty etc to make that your time togeather. Reward him with a story?
Have you had his bowl movements analyzed by his doctor? He may have an allergy or medical condition. I also think some children are not able to relax and have more accidents because they do not empty thier bladder, and they tighten up thier mucles instead of having a bowl movement so by the time they realize they have to go it is too late!
Hope this helps--

It sounds to me like bribery does not work with him. In fact I don't think it works with kids in general. If you truly feel like he understands the whole toileting thing and does have control over himself then why keep putting him in a pull-up? I'd stop the pull-up thing immediately. Understand that he'll have MORE accidents than normal for a few days while he tests you and resists the change in his comfortable routine (I believe that is called "extinction outburst") but then when he sees you keeping steady he'll comply. You are right to not get upset. Keep it all matter-of-fact. But give him choices that are within reason. It helps a kid feel respected when he has choices. Only two choices at a time. Ex: Do you want to wear the blue undies or the green? Do you want to go to the bathroom in the upstairs bathroom or the downstairs bathroom? Do you want my assistance or do you want to do it on your own? Do you want to walk backwards to the bathroom or skip to the bathroom? The pull-up is not an option. The pooping in the pants is not an option. Teach him to clean up the mess if he does make one--insist (respectfully) that he does, and make sure he understands that kids who deliberately mess their underwear don't get to play at friend's houses, or have computer, TV and Nintendo privileges. It's not a punishment (you teach him this matter-of-factly, without being upset), it's just part of being responsible.

Also increase his chores. Make him an equal to his older brothers in certain household responsibilities so he feels pride in being older, needed and responsible.

No suggestions here but I can commiserate. My oldest did not potty train til very near 5 and then suddenly he did within a couple days time. We found out about a year later he has Aspergers.
Well maybe one wee suggestion, ask his teachers. Sounds like you are tired and have your hands full. Are they willing to help? If he does it at school then he could move to doing it at home too. I used to teach preschool and I could always tell the difference between a child that was truly struggling with a skill and a behavior problem.

hang in there. sometimes delayed pottying and pooping is a sign of jealousy, attention, or just not ready. one other idea is to use "big boy" underwear as a bribe. Good Luck!

I think you have answered your own question. Sounds like you guys are going through a rough time. Your son's lack of interest in potty training does not reflect upon your parenting. He will do it on his own terms. He WILL potty train. I would let go of wanting him to do it on your terms. I especially wouldn't punish him for not potty training. And I wouldn't compare him to the other children. It's not fair. Each child is an individual. My oldest son didn't potty train until he was 3+. At 5 he still has troubles wetting the bed at night. I understand your concern. I've questioned the pediatrician, researched the internet, and read books. All it does is stress me out. It doesn't affect the potty training. So, my advice is to ease up on yourself and your son. It will happen. If it will set your mind at ease, visit with your son's doctor to confirm or deny in physiological problems.

I know you got a bunch of good advice, but I wanted to suggest you may want to talk to the doctor too. Most likely it is a developmental issue (and he fact that he has other delays may corroborate this). But to be on the safe side, you may just want to rule out medical/anatomical issues. I would just call your ped (hopefully you have one who knows your son well enough) and let her know what you are concerned about and see if she thinks it warrants further investigation.

I would just put him straight into underwear. Messy for you, yes, but also VERY GROSS for him.